-

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[momsoftwins]

tough call....maybe a letter? i really dont know. sleep on it? well i will sleep on it too and post bak tomorrow

 

[crzy4my2]

I might call to see how she is doing but NEVER say anything agreeing with the situation where she could use your name as an "example".

I had a friend who was killed by her EX. he used to beat her because of things her friends said and did. She often made the mistake of saying "so and so agrees with me" He used to say that if someone had something to say, say it to his face. None of our other friends would. they were afraid of him too. The only friend of hers he liked was me (Lucky me) and that was because at the time I was her only friend who was not 21 and I couldn't get into bars and certain clubs. So since he liked me, I was able to say things to him others wouldn't and he never got mad about it..but boy he would get crazy about the other people. He tried running one of our friends off the road..what a nut he was

BTW..he was killed 5 years to the day my friend was..Karma.

 

[bumbershoot]

It's really up to you.

My mom left her abusive husband, and after that was sort of an underground railroad for other abused women. She helped them as long as they were helping themselves. When I think about it now, I realize she might have put us in danger by doing that, but she was often the ONLY one supporting those women, even emotionally or with words or hugs.

For my mom, it was worth it. But for others, it might not be. Only you can make that decision for you.

 

[mom2aredhead]

What would you do, call and support a woman and her kids who could definitely use it or stay away from an extremely dangerous situation and keep your own world safe?

You don't know how dangerous the guy is, and admittedly you were not close with the family. I'd say pray for them but leave them alone.

 

[AuroraBeauty]

I applaud you for wanting to let her know you support her. However (and there always seems to be a however), if you do call her you may get yourself involved in a situation where you don't want any involvement.

First, you're under the belief that she had the legal right to take the children out of the state. Maybe she did but maybe she didn't. If she didn't you may be getting yourself involved regarding there whereabouts.

Second, if the father of the kids goes after her, your name maybe bantered about (as OP stated) or if he gets her phone records then he has your phone number. Only you can weigh that risk.

Third, if you want to show your support it might be better to do through a third party. Someone you know was her 'friend' may still contact her (in a safe way) and be able to share with her that others think she is brave.

There are a lot of unknowns here and you have to weigh the risks. The one I have concern about is whether the children were legally taken out of state. That can present HUGE problems and if you become involved in that by making a simple phone call it can become more than what you bargained for -- especially since you may then have a legal obligation to disclose her/the childrens' whereabouts (not to the guy of course, but to authorities).

It's hard to say 'don't get involved', but if you don't know what you could be walking in to I'm not sure I'd make the call.

IMHO though.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I agree with the say a prayer and leave it alone sentiment.

If you aren't that close to her, then it's not worth the risk. She is far away and he's down the street. You don't want to cause trouble for your family. My guess is that she has family and friends she is turning to right now. Maybe even if CA, if that's where she chose to go? If that's where she really is? It's possible that she won't even have a contact number...maybe she's changed that stuff.

It's normal to be concerned, and I think it's great that you care so much about their situation. I hope that this family makes it out of this alright.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Also have to agree with previous posters and say just pray for them. You do not want to get involved if this mom took these kids to CA w/o permission from dad (if they had shared custody). Parental interference cases can be very messy...mix that with domestic violence...and it's a recipe for disaster and potential danger. But do pray for their safety.

 

[d1gitman]

i have some experience on this topic and this saying comes to mind "first you rescue, then you are the victim". I would think long and hard before inserting yourself in anyone's situation.

 

[grlpwrd]

I just found out tonight A friend of my son's, through sports, with his brother was taken to Ca by his Mom. She took the kids to Disneyland and refused to return. We knew these people for a few years but, I confess, I wasn't particularly close. From experience, a necessity for survival really, I can read a dangerous man in 0 sec flat. When I see danger I walk away. As soon as I met this guy I guessed he was involved in crime in NYC (no profiling, his demeanor just screamed street fighter) and because I later discovered they sell 'fake' bags in NYC my gut was right. He was always extremely nice to me and my family but there was something there I never liked. He wanted his kids to be suburbs kids but they didn't fit. I never let my DS play at his house based on my 'gut feeling', no more and no less.

Well, one day we were all at a soccer game and the Mom ticked off the Dad, so he slapped her in the face... right in front of everyone. I kept on talking to her like I saw nothing... mostly because I know that men like this will blame their victim for their own outbursts and hurt them later to get even with imaginary slights. I figured if I could smooth it over things wouldn't be too bad later. Old habits die hard I guess. My gut feeling was further as confirmed.

The last time I ran into her she was with her oldest DS and when I asked about her kids Dad (they aren't married, he married someone else while they were dating), the DS says with disgust "WE hate him".

So my question is this, what do I do? I feel like I want to call her and tell her how brave I think she is. I'm sure she is having a hard time and could use some support. TO be honest, I really want to call but my gut is warning me. I know abused women, I lived with one too long not to know, so I am worried that if I call and am supportive she will use me to strengthen her argument with him the next time she speaks with him. As in "Well L______ agrees with me. She said xyz". I know she won't mean to throw me under the bus but when an abuser refuses to validate what a victim is saying the victim often uses other peoples words to prop up their point of view. Then she's in Ca and I'm here with a very angry *(^$ down he street who sees me as a threat.

What would you do, call and support a woman and her kids who could definitely use it or stay away from an extremely dangerous situation and keep your own world safe?

If he is as bold as to slap her in the face in front of everyone, in my mind he can do worse.

This statement is very telling:

Then she's in Ca and I'm here with a very angry *(^$ down he street who sees me as a threat.

I would be very careful. Sounds like he is a walking time bomb.


Only you can decide what is best for you and your family, though....

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[Tammysue5]

I can appreciate your stance and can feel your struggle w/the right decision. First I commend you.... This is a difficult call and only one that you can make.

First I agree to start w/prayer...it hopefully will help you to decide what is the right thing to do. Your familys safety is first and foremost.

I will share this w/you: My DS16 has always been a great kid...AP classes...good to his sisters... I could go on....only one thing concerns me... He has always been someone who feels the need to 'step in' if someone is in trouble. Ex. Fight at school....arguing between 2 people..etc. Well, I would get upset w/him because I was so concerned for his safety... (we live in nice town but bad things can happen anywhere.) One day he had stepped in between a fight and sort of took the person getting beat up and 'walking him away' w/my DSs arm around his shoulder. I was SO frustrated when DS shared this w/me. I was asking him why did you do that...you could have gotten hurt! Someone could pull a gun or knife on you! I rambled for about a minute and stopped and ask him again why does he have to always get in between fights like that. (Usually the fights he steps in on are those he feels are not fair...or someone getting beat up or picked on because they are 'different'. ) My Sons reply... "Mom, if I were getting beat up wouldn't you want someone to help me?" "What?" I say...
"Mom, you have always stood up for others and have told me that in life we have to make choices and be there for others"...... Man why do kids have to listen like that????? I could not argue w/that. But since then I have talked w/him about the dangers and while he will try to assist people before they get to the 'fight' ....he assures me he makes wise choices. Recently stopped a fight by stepping in and putting his arm around the one boy and walking him away and nicely telling the other guy "hey, come on, no body needs this... " DS is pretty well-liked by most and so far that has been to his advantage. I still worry... I still pray for his safety. I have also gotten him to realize that some things he needs to stand back from and pray about them....

While I am all about helping others,,,I think that sometimes we need to think about the repercussions of our actions....
In this case you have a family and if this man lives close to you and you have justifiable concerns regarding this man... I would tend to NOT call her.....she sounds like she is safe and if she is truly running away/hiding from him, she may not have the same cell phone? If this guy thinks you know where she is, he could give you a hard time to find out her whereabouts?

Pray that someone close to her now can help her. Good luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thank you all for so many perspectives to think on. I am feeling a whole lot less guilty about not calling so far.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I agree with the others. Say a prayer for your friend, but don't do anything to put yourself or your family in danger.

He wanted his kids to be suburbs kids but they didn't fit.

What's the difference between kids from the suburbs, cities or rural areas?

 

[LuvOrlando]

What's the difference between kids from the suburbs, cities or rural areas?

I can't quite explain the difference, but there is totally a difference between the way I and my previous city dweller friends see the world (I came from a city) and how friends from the suburbs, and even my suburb kids see the world.

Thank you all for your thoughts on what I should do. I keep praying for them and that the right thing to do will present itself to me soon.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I can't quite explain the difference, but there is totally a difference between the way I and my previous city dweller friends see the world (I came from a city) and how friends from the suburbs, and even my suburb kids see the world.

Interesting

In my experience kids are pretty much the same. Parents may have different views/opinions, but the kids tend to do just fine together.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[disneyjunkie]

Don't bend my words to suit your agenda.

Oh please

I just asked a question and made a statement based on what you posted. Your statements seem very odd to me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-