13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[Jennasis]

This'd fix his wagon...

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Wow, I hate to say it, but smart kid. Grounding doesn't work on smart kids. I remember being 6 or 7 and my mom trying to ground me from watching TV for a week. I refused to watch TV for 3 weeks just to show her I didn't care in the slightest.

If I were you (which means nothing really, it's all your decision and I'm sure you'll make the right one) I'd take the iPod away. It doesn't matter if you sell it or keep it for yourself, he can never have it back. It's not his, anyways. It's yours. He's a minor and nothing he "owns" is actually his. You bought it and you let him borrow it. This is something he has to learn. Then, make him pay you back for all that he spent. Do not let him work it off in chores around the house, it has to be in cash. If he complains, tell him that the second time he complains you'll start charging monthly interest. Do not buy him (or let anyone else buy him) a replacement iPod. Make sure he knows that the next time this happens you will go to the police.

Personally, I wouldn't take the doors off his room, I feel that's an invasion of privacy.

 

[horseshowmom]

If you have a use for the ipod yourself, it's fine to keep it for yourself. Otherwise, I'd sell it (the fact that I lost money on it wouldn't matter at this point). Bottom line, he would never get that ipod back.

Further, he would be grounded until he paid back the money he stole (if the only way he can get money is through extra chores, I'd make sure to come up with plenty of them that he worked off at minimum wage per hour. If he wanted to drag around doing the chores (wasting time), then I'd cut the per hour salary in half too. How soon he got "ungrounded" would be up to him ultimately.

If he ever wanted an ipod again, he'd buy it with his own money.

This may sound harsh, but what he did was serious, and he needs to get that point.

Good luck and best wishes, I know you're really disappointed in him.

 

[SydneyBristow]

Keep the iPod until he pays you back and since he used your credit card to steal from you make him pay you back with interest. That way he'll also learn the reality of using credit cards.

 

[HunnyPots]

Thank you all SO MUCH!! You have given me some great advice....as usual on the DIS!
As of right now, I don't think I'm going to sell it. It is locked up, and I have the keys on me. I'm going to let my DH read this and tonight we'll discuss it more at lenght. It's weird....I was mad last night, but I think I'm more hurt about it than anything. Damn kid!
He did go to alot of trouble to make this happen, so I feel that I have to go to alot of trouble to make him repay me. I don't like the idea of just making him do extra chores. I want him to know what it's like to work hard for something, then have to give it up. I would LOVE to find a farm around the area and make him go shovel cow crap for a month, get paid for it, then have to hand the money over to me. I want him to know how serious and stupid this was. The iPOD is gone indefinately. I will use it. I will use it in front of him. I will not feel bad about this. (i'll tell myself that over and over again!)
I went through the computers last night and they are all password protected now. He will not have any access to them without DH or I getting him on. He has no reason to be on the computer for anything. He will have NO privacy. I wanted to take the door off his bedroom, but DH said he would remove the lock today....I'm okay with that.

I'm just so disappointed. I hate this. I'm gonna go get ready for work and cry in the shower.
I'll update later tonight....thanks again ya'll!
oh...and thanks for the 's....they're greatly appreciated!

m

The bolded part: Yes! This is exactly what I was talking about! That is the kind of thing I would do. If you can't find a farm or dairy around willing to help you with this, rack your brain to find something equally labor-intensive. It works!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think I'd consider donating it to a good cause given the circumstances.

 

[Kath2003]

I'd tell Santa.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Lots of great advice. I don't have anything to add. Just a . Sorry for what you guys are going through. Those teen years are tough on everybody! Big kids, big problems as the saying goes.

 

[Sandy321]

The perfect teachable moment.Sell the Ipod. Hopefully you can sell it to another 13 year old. Make sure he or she gets a good deal. Sell it and don't look back. Sell it without remorse.

Grounding works for some kids, for others it just drives everyone crazy. Grounding a kid well is a fairly difficult thing to do.

But selling an Ipod is easy and a very effective punishment.

I'm also with the group that wouldnt sell it, but use it as a teachable moment indeed - - (I would be so tempted to use it, download some great podcasts~)

(oh and honestly, I would make sure to back up your itune account purchases, burn them on a CD - but I know many feel that the downloaded items should disappear, but just keep it in mind for future references - you really should have your own BLINGED ipod!!)

We actually did that. When it happened to us I bounced between livid and devastated. As my mom says, "If there's anything I hate worse than a liar it's a thief."

It does break a mom's heart!! You raised him better than this HE IS BETTER THAN THIS>.... does not "honor" mean anything anymore?

The whole issue here is the trust....and he has broken this.

I would definately take the I-Pod back until he pays this debt back. This could be a VERY good lesson for him....and YOU. Even though he is 13....it is AMAZING how they still are at a loss with "consequences of action".

Even scarier now these kids are smart enough to cover tracks online
I would talk with him and make him understand that the money is nothing but you losing trust in him is the worst and he has to earn it back.
Good luck....sounds like you are a great parent
Kerri

Since he is so smart, maybe make him teach you how to be more computer savy? How do you figure out _____ (and also does he have facebook? Is he aware of the dangers involved in "gooofing" off online?)

I personally believe in tough love and I would do what ever I could to help prevent the stealing and lying from escalating. If anyone stole my credit card from me I would call the police. I don't care who it was, even my son. I'm not saying I would press charges, I would do it to work something out with the police so they could help show him where a life a crime can lead.

I would also inform his Tae Kwon Do instructor. Does your son's Tae Kwon Do school follow a code of ethics? I know in my son's Tae Kwon School they must follow a code of ethics in and out of class. The instructor has told parents that if the code is not followed outside of class he needs to know. They would not be able to participate in the next test.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really feel for you.

I'm also in the camp that would ask his Tae Kwon Do Instructor, honor should mean something, trust has to be earned, and when its broken, serious consequences do occur... you are taking this serious, and he knows it now - but does he (can anyone at 13) comprehend, understand the ramifications of lost trust?

Do you belong to a church? Is there a homeless shelter or a Habitat for Humanity Project? I would work on trying to get him less focused on "things" and the "NEED TO HAVE" aspect of the itunes, to try and get him to realize the world around him - I'm suddenly getting the vision of an Oprah show where a family went to AFrica and joined a tribe for a long time (I think it was at least a month) and how it truly changes your life to start thinking of others before yourself.... how is it our kids cant be happy with what they have, they have to cry about what they dont have?

Good luck! Thank you so much for sharing your pain, I have a 12 yr old with an itunes account!!

 

[Maryr1]

There is always the "pile punishment". Have a load of rock or wood delivered. The punishment is to stack it neatly. Every day when not doing homework, out to the pile until it is stacked where you want it, how you want it and neatly. When it's ALL DONE, you know what? You really wanted it in another part of the yard. Oh darn. Back out to the pile...... After you feel the child has had enough "punishment" to fit the crime, leave that pile in plain sight-because you never know when some behavior may create the need for that pile to get moved again and again and again....... Really, it serves a lot of purposes- it burns off energy, it builds character, it gets them outside in the fresh air and it gives them plenty of time to think. Good luck.

 

[DISUNC]

I'd tell Santa.

 

[dislal]

There is always the "pile punishment". Have a load of rock or wood delivered. The punishment is to stack it neatly. Every day when not doing homework, out to the pile until it is stacked where you want it, how you want it and neatly. When it's ALL DONE, you know what? You really wanted it in another part of the yard. Oh darn. Back out to the pile...... After you feel the child has had enough "punishment" to fit the crime, leave that pile in plain sight-because you never know when some behavior may create the need for that pile to get moved again and again and again....... Really, it serves a lot of purposes- it burns off energy, it builds character, it gets them outside in the fresh air and it gives them plenty of time to think. Good luck.

Wow I like this it is something my dad would have done when my kids tell me I am being mean about something I say Thank you that means I am doing my job.

 

[Amlee]

I'd tell Santa.

When my neice was around 4 or 5, she had these temper fits that were out of this world. Nothing would stop them from happening. Until Santa got told. Her parents had pre-arranged for Santa to know what was up. She was told if she didn't stop that she would find nothing but a bag of switches under her tree. Well sure enough she had a melt down right before Christmas. She recieved nothing but that bag of switches for Christmas. Any other gifts given to her that Christmas were also taken away from her and she had to earn them back. She learned to control her temper (some what).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There is always the "pile punishment". Have a load of rock or wood delivered. The punishment is to stack it neatly. Every day when not doing homework, out to the pile until it is stacked where you want it, how you want it and neatly. When it's ALL DONE, you know what? You really wanted it in another part of the yard. Oh darn. Back out to the pile...... After you feel the child has had enough "punishment" to fit the crime, leave that pile in plain sight-because you never know when some behavior may create the need for that pile to get moved again and again and again....... Really, it serves a lot of purposes- it burns off energy, it builds character, it gets them outside in the fresh air and it gives them plenty of time to think. Good luck.

That is freaking great! I will have to remember "pile punishment".

 

[nala87]

I would sell the iPod right away! You won't get all of your money back, you you will make some money on e-bay. I just sold a very old ipod-nano and make $90 when they can get a brand new one for $150.
The only advise i can give is start at a low price 10-20 dollars and people will bid it up high.
You could also keep it for yourself, but the only way he will learn is for it to be taken away and for him to pay you every cent back.
side note: if you sell it on e-bay it must be emptied of songs, videos, etc. or your item will be ancled due to copy right infringment.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My kids are 25yrs-31yrs. The Santa threat still works.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

The bolded part: Yes! This is exactly what I was talking about! That is the kind of thing I would do. If you can't find a farm or dairy around willing to help you with this, rack your brain to find something equally labor-intensive. It works!

I still remember when my brother came home drunk (very late at night -- 2 a.m. sticks in my memory) when he was 17 (he's almost 50 now). My dad got him up at the crack of dawn (about 5 a.m.) and had him pulling ivy off the house, cleaning the gutters and sealing the driveway that day. My brother was so hung over and felt horrible (sick to his stomach, etc.) but my dad just pushed him all day long. He also lost his car keys and was grounded for a long time!

OP, hugs to you. The worst job is parenting...but the best job is being a mom!

 

[lilmrsellis]

Wow I like this it is something my dad would have done when my kids tell me I am being mean about something I say Thank you that means I am doing my job.

Mom, is that you?

 

[lovesmurfs]

Great advice from everyone on the parenting.

From an iPod perspective, I found out the hard way (DS is now 14, but was 13 when "the incident" occurred) that there is a way to remove your credit card number from the iTunes account and makes you type in your credit card each time. Doesn't work if DS has the credit card #, though, so you might want to cancel your card and start over again. Also, you can remove the "automatic" login and require a password to get into iTunes purchase area.

To remove the purchases from his iPod (yes, "the incident" involved download of "explicit" content), you'll need to plug the iPod in, set to manually manage music, etc., remove the content from the iPod, delete from iTunes, and then empty your Recycle Bin. You have to remove the stuff from the iPod first, or else it won't ever get deleted from the iPod.

My statements from iTunes used to come to my junk mail folder, and so I nearly missed "the incident" as well. My DS just purchased stuff, because I had it set to automatically charge my CC -- he didn't go so far as to have my email login.

With my DS, I disconnected him from everything electronic (although usually I'm the one who suffers), including computer, texting, and games of all kinds, until he paid me back, plus 2 weeks.

and best wishes.

 

[agnes!]

1.Well I like the idea of taking his door off the hinges. He broke your trust and therefor cannot be trusted to be alone in his room.

2. The only time I would allow him to be in his doorless room would be for homework (if he has a desk) and sleeping.

3. If no desk exists for homework in the bedroom, he should do it at the kitchen table.

4. Wake up go to school, come home, do homework, eat, go to bed. Any spare time should be spent working to repay his debt plus punitive damages. I'd tack on an extra $100+ bucks for the aggravation.

5. No cell phone, no tv, no video games. MAYBE a book.

6. I'd keep the ipod and use it all the time, right in front of him. In fact, I'd bedazzle it with a sparkly jewel kit too, so that he couldn't use it anymore even if he wanted to.

7. No time limit on the punishment. however long it takes to repay the debt + damages AND regain your trust, so be it.

PINK sparkly jewels. LOTs and lots of PINK.

agnes!