13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[TLSnell1981]

I'm probably way late on this & I didn't read through all of these threads,

Take the time to read through..you'll enjoy the posts. Mom came up with a brilliant plan.

 

[horseshowmom]

I can't speak exactly what you can do, only what I did with my dd when she was in 7th grade. She is 17 now and it worked for us.

Before school started we told her that we would ground her from the bus, I would drive and pick her daily from school, go in to her school on pickup and go through her locker, saunter through the school to look at blackboards, (sometimes her teachers were there and I would say HI), and we went over her homework (due dates) BEFORE we left the school.

Once we got home, I would go over every shred of paper AGAIN, look at her homework, go over with a fine tooth comb.

I would get her a snack and she would begin.

If she did not have anything due I would pick out work for her to do from her book.

This was to go on until the next grading period. In addition she was grounded from everything.

Now she was informed PRIOR to school STARTING that this would be the punishment for not turning in her work.
So...what brought this on you ask? She did not turn in a HUGE science project.

This was the worst punishment I ever gave because it was sheer torture on us.
However she learned how to calculate her grade percentage (keep tabs), study, organize, and plan.

As the quarter came to an end she was begging us forgiveness. And promised that she would NEVER do this again.

Well she is a Senior now and she never did it again. But she learned ALOT esp. how a ZERO drops your grade.

Now of course this may not work for you but it can give you something to think about.

Hang in there!

I see that the OP liked this idea, and I agree.

May I also add a big "thank you" from the teachers out there. So many mothers would go in to see the teacher expecting their child to be granted extra time, because the child "just forgot" (I heard about a parent just yesterday who was upset that their child had to take their 9 weeks test even though the child had "forgot" to bring home their notes. She wanted the child to have an extension. ) That's NOT doing the child any favors.

Good for you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mystery Machine~I do believe that will be my plan! I will tell him tonight that I plan on meeting him at his locker at 4:00 every day to help him get his stuff together to bring home. Then if he's not sure, I can ask the teacher before he leaves the school!! I think he would DIE if I did that!!
Thanks for the advice, I'll let you know how it goes!!

Thanks again! Talk later!
marie

Oh yea. My dd HATED HATED it. But that was what got her to do it right. No more punishing you for "forgetting".... The tables are turned when he can't remember.

I must warn you that it was sheer torture for us. Drained us of energy. But with everything going on with you I am sure you are already there.

Make sure you teach him grade calculation. That really helped my dd see how her 1 test grade affected her grade overall. It is a valuable skill as you know you keep a running tab in college. At least I did in my notebook.

Good Luck!

I forgot my MOTTO!!!!!! If you do NOT want me in your business then make sure you don't give me a reason. We stick by that one and it is reasonable.
We say if you are having trouble then you need help.

Now of course they come to us. But that wasn't easy to do. Asking for help is a life skill that has to be learned for some kids.

 

[kmp1191]

"Take the time to read through..you'll enjoy the posts. Mom came up with a brilliant plan."

I had help from some GREAT people!!

"May I also add a big "thank you" from the teachers out there. So many mothers would go in to see the teacher expecting their child to be granted extra time, because the child "just forgot" (I heard about a parent just yesterday who was upset that their child had to take their 9 weeks test even though the child had "forgot" to bring home their notes. She wanted the child to have an extension. ) That's NOT doing the child any favors."

I hope no one thinks that I'm trying to get my kid any "favors". God no...I'm trying to get him to think for himself! (It's not working by the way!) I have to be in touch with the teachers to TRY to make sure DS is bringing home the work and turning it in. That's all I can really do...that's part of my job as a parent. I check the websites online, but that only helps when the teachers update the site. I have one teacher that hasn't updated her site since Sept 3, and another who just updated hers tonight(Thursday)....FOR THIS WEEK!! It doesn't do me alot of good, and I can't really help DS if I don't have the information I need. Also, I asked the teachers to help me out and AFTER DS fills out the assignments in his agenda book, can they please sign it to affirm the fact that he has everything written down correctly. I found out tonight that one of the teachers doesn't even read what he writes down...just puts their initials down and shoos him on his way. The rest of them actually will add missing info if needed...ie: if he writes down review chap 2...the teacher will write lesson 3...just so we can make sure he is studying the right stuff.

Don't get me wrong....I'm not yelling or being snarky....I'm just tired. Like Mystery Machine said...I am drained. We have the same battle about homework every night it seems like. I did tell him tonight that I would be changing my schedule so I could pick him up after school. I told him that I would meet him at his locker at 4pm, go through his agenda book, go back to each classroom to make sure everything was written down, ask the teachers questions to make sure I understood everything, check his backpack to make sure everything we needed was in there, and then we could come home and do the work. HE WAS MORTIFIED!! He begged me not to!
I just don't get it....do the kids like to hear us yell? I'm so tired of being the bad guy all the damn time. I told DH tonight that maybe I should just lay off...let DS win this battle...then next year when he's in the 7th grade AGAIN...maybe then he'll realize I'm not so stupid after all, and that I was trying to help!
Darn kid...I have more wrinkles around my eyes now than I did last week, and I just boiled ALL of the water out of the Romain Noodles....hope ya'll are having a good evening!

Lisa...maybe I"LL come unload that hay!!

marie

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just want to say it will get better. My dd is watching the debate and was studying for her SAT test on Sat.
Don't give up. Once he is doing well in school you will see him improve.
With my dd when she was doing bad in school she didn't feel to good about herself. It is the one area that you can see some "instant success" and he will feel good for hard work there, just like baling hay.

It goes by fast!!!! Hang in there.

 

[Sandy321]

marie, I'm not brave enough to post my 6th grade dd's "drama'

went to the open house - and yes, they have a website for homework - and like you TOTALY WORTHLESS! and when I pointed it out at the open house, I was reprimanded and am humilated (I was unprofessional, I admit I got 'sarcastic' after awhile - I took offense to being lied to, to a few specifics (using the internet, having to do their writing assignments in a word document dbl spaced times new roman - we dont have a printer - and our internet goes down... a lot)

Like you I want dd to be accountable... and I have a 23yr old son - like others, back what 11 years ago I did go to ds school every day, then every week - because the teachers couldnt help me help my son fill out the dern assignment notebook... its a draining time consuming, necessary work -

good luck Marie

 

[horseshowmom]

"May I also add a big "thank you" from the teachers out there. So many mothers would go in to see the teacher expecting their child to be granted extra time, because the child "just forgot" (I heard about a parent just yesterday who was upset that their child had to take their 9 weeks test even though the child had "forgot" to bring home their notes. She wanted the child to have an extension. ) That's NOT doing the child any favors."

I hope no one thinks that I'm trying to get my kid any "favors". God no...I'm trying to get him to think for himself! (It's not working by the way!)

That absolutely was not my thought, and I certainly apologize if you felt that way (I'd say at this point you have enough problems without anybody else's help! ). It sounds to me like you're doing all you can to hold him accountable, and that's really what it's all about.

We have the same battle about homework every night it seems like. I did tell him tonight that I would be changing my schedule so I could pick him up after school. I told him that I would meet him at his locker at 4pm, go through his agenda book, go back to each classroom to make sure everything was written down, ask the teachers questions to make sure I understood everything, check his backpack to make sure everything we needed was in there, and then we could come home and do the work. HE WAS MORTIFIED!! He begged me not to!
I just don't get it....do the kids like to hear us yell?

I taught junior high for a long time, and I can tell you that at that age very few things matter more than their peers. AND they have no doubt that they are already grown and know more than adults.

That's the beauty of TMM's plan. The mere idea that you would actually come into the school and do all of that (in front of the other kids ) would probably be the absolute worst thing they could imagine.

What you're doing is making it their problem, because they're the one who chooses whether or not you do it. By the way, based on what you've done with him so far, I'd have to say that he'll take you seriously (some kids know their parents threaten a lot but don't back it up, so you're way ahead of the game).

I'm so tired of being the bad guy all the damn time. I told DH tonight that maybe I should just lay off...let DS win this battle...then next year when he's in the 7th grade AGAIN...maybe then he'll realize I'm not so stupid after all, and that I was trying to help!
Darn kid...I have more wrinkles around my eyes now than I did last week, and I just boiled ALL of the water out of the Romain Noodles....hope ya'll are having a good evening!

One of these days, he'll grow up and may very well look back on this as a turning point when he could have gone either way, but you provided the direction to a better way. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[maymom96]

I told DH tonight that maybe I should just lay off...let DS win this battle...then next year when he's in the 7th grade AGAIN...maybe then he'll realize I'm not so stupid after all, and that I was trying to help!

Is this your sons first year at the middle school or high school? Last year my son was in 6th grade and at the middle school for the first time. We struggled with him turning stuff in on time, bringing needed material home, ect.
When he would tell me he left XYZ in his locker, we loaded up in the van so he could go back to school to get what was needed. Then to pay me back for the gas, he had to do a chore I usually did. We also kept extra books at home.
I also became friends with his 6th grade teachers. If my son didn't turn something in, they would contact me right away. I surprised my son a few times at lunch to find out where the missing assignment was. He swears I have a sixth sense. Once he learned that the teachers, counselors and me were on the same page, he started to straighten up.
He is now in 7th grade and is doing much better. It helps that he has a study hour. He has dyslexia and so the study hour is a given. It has helped him so much. He has to write everything in an agenda for points in the class. He hardly ever has homework and he is much more organized. Life is much easier.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's the beauty of TMM's plan. The mere idea that you would actually come into the school and do all of that (in front of the other kids ) would probably be the absolute worst thing they could imagine.

What you're doing is making it their problem, because they're the one who chooses whether or not you do it.

I did it for a WHOLE quarter. She never missed an assignment again.
ALL projects were done.

Her biggest thing was NOT BEING ON THE BUS. She survived me picking her up but she missed her buds on the bus.

So that was really more of my leverage.

 

[kmp1191]

That absolutely was not my thought, and I certainly apologize if you felt that way (I'd say at this point you have enough problems without anybody else's help! ). It sounds to me like you're doing all you can to hold him accountable, and that's really what it's all about.

Oh gosh no!! I knew that wasn't your thought...no apology needed! I agree with you! I don't believe in asking for any favors for my son....I believe in communication with the teachers 100%! I would be appauled....(sp??? ) if one of his teachers thought I was asking for special treatment! (I really hope they don't think I'm doing that!) What I'm asking for is from my son....not the teachers. I have asked the teachers for their help thru communicating with me and keeping on top of him....I am asking my son for accountability and responsibility. (and not to make me age any more than I have these past few weeks!! )

I hope none of you think ill of me for ranting about my DS. I love him dearly, he is a good kid....not the brightest star in the sky right now...but I think in time he will outshine the moon.

Love ya'll!
marie

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, just wanted to say I did this second quarter of 7th grade so that is why I did what I did. She had been through 1 yr and was going down the same path.

I have a 6th grader now and it is tough to assimilate. So he is still learning the middle school waters.
My dd uses her planner to keep it together but she is not a good example as she is a straight A student.
She says if you don't write it down you forget. Your son just needs a system.

 

[kmp1191]

TMM~How far away is your DD? Can she bring her knowledge & patience to TN?
I can't afford anymore wrinkles...or jeans!!!

The first 9 weeks are done next week....I think we'll start the 2nd 9 with a new schedule!! Won't he be surprised??!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

TMM~How far away is your DD? Can she bring her knowledge & patience to TN?
I can't afford anymore wrinkles...or jeans!!!

The first 9 weeks are done next week....I think we'll start the 2nd 9 with a new schedule!! Won't he be surprised??!!

Are you kidding me? It is the opposite. My 17yodd wants to kill the 12yo "middle schooler".
It is nice she is a straight A student but that means she is a perfectionist and SLOW.
Drives us nuts. So I don't see ANY rubbing off of any patience.

 

[kmp1191]

Are you kidding me? It is the opposite. My 17yodd wants to kill the 12yo "middle schooler".
It is nice she is a straight A student but that means she is a perfectionist and SLOW.
Drives us nuts. So I don't see ANY rubbing off of any patience.

Hey...it doesn't hurt to ask!!
How do you think I found the horse farm for him to work on!!
I'll make you a deal....if he doesn't turn it around here pretty soon, I'll ship him to you, and I'll take the 17yr old perfectionist!!

Can't blame me for trying, can ya? lol

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hey...it doesn't hurt to ask!!
How do you think I found the horse farm for him to work on!!
I'll make you a deal....if he doesn't turn it around here pretty soon, I'll ship him to you, and I'll take the 17yr old perfectionist!!

Can't blame me for trying, can ya? lol

It is the 12yo perfectionist.
The 17yodd was the one I had to punish.

 

[kmp1191]

It is the 12yo perfectionist.
The 17yodd was the one I had to punish.

ok...then I'll trade you the 12 yr old for the 13 yr old!!
No...wait a minute...the 17 yr old has already been through the punishment....the 12 yr old is still going to hit the "phase"....I stick with my original offer....my 13 yr old for your 17 yr old!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

ok...then I'll trade you the 12 yr old for the 13 yr old!!
No...wait a minute...the 17 yr old has already been through the punishment....the 12 yr old is still going to hit the "phase"....I stick with my original offer....my 13 yr old for your 17 yr old!!

Darn it, I would go for the other trade. So close....

You will get through it all. You have no choice. It is like when I was in labor and said, I don't want to do this anymore. They said too late for that.

 

[RUDisney]

The one thing that frosts me about middle school is that teachers, in our district, don't want to talk to the parents so much. It is their opinion that the students should be independent by MS. Granted, that's true, but this often times undermines our ability, as parents, to ensure that our children are meeting their potential.

You're lucky that most of the teachers are willing to help you to get your DS on the right path.

I tried going to my DS's teachers last year to find out what he should be doing to improve his grades. Since they refused to send home tests because they weren't returned (so much for teaching independence and responsibility), I had no way of knowing in what areas my DS was doing poorly. The teachers would say, "he has to study every night." GREAT! But, if we don't know in what he is struggling, we can't help him to study those areas. The teachers in 6th grade were utterly useless. The funny thing was when they had student teachers, my DS's grades would improve in whatever section had that extra person. Hmmm....

Oh, and to top off everything, meet the teacher night was cancelled in September because the principal was having surgery. Frankly, even though he's a new principal, I couldn't care less if I meet him. He isn't responsible for giving my DS grades. If my DS has whackos in any of his subjects, I want to know that early on so we can prepare offensive measures for that class. I also want the teachers to know that my DS is not an island unto himself. He has parents who care about his progress and who will be watching. Luckily, my DS is doing very well this year.

Oh, and the school district has after school tutoring for its students, 2X per week, free of charge. The catch? They only cover what is on the PSSA's. If your student is struggling in class, too bad, if that's not what is being covered for the standardized testing, your student will continue to struggle unless you help him or get him a different tutor at your own expense.

OK, my vent is over.

 

[kmp1191]

Granted, that's true, but this often times undermines our ability, as parents, to ensure that our children are meeting their potential.


I couldn't agree with you more on that statement!! I have a meeting set up for Wednesday morning...with my son included. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why he is doing the work, and just not turning it in! That just baffles the hell out of me!!

He did make the comment that in Science he can't see the board...so...me being the "ever vigilant parent", I made him an eye appointment for Saturday morning, and I'm going to request that all of the teachers move him to the front row in each class....that way there won't be any issues about vision. If he tells me one more time that he "didn't hear the teacher tell them" to do something, I will get his hearing checked....just to prove to him that he is a normal "pre-teen" with select hearing and that he better get his act together!
I am also pulling him out of Taekwondo for the time being. This has gone beyond the iPOD, credit card issue. If it had stopped there, then I wouldn't be as upset anymore. He did something stupid, and he is working off his debt. But now I am dealing with the homework/grades issue as well. The only thing I know to do is what I've been doing...work with him....help him stay on track....TRY to be patient....(which is the HARDEST part of this whole thing!)
I'm also going to talk to the teachers, and my boss about being at the school at 4 pm to "help remind" him of what he needs to have each night, and to make sure he has everything written down. (thanks TMM for that info!)
I'm almost wondering if I need to start the battle of getting an IEP going on him. He is ADHD and has been on meds since 1st grade. He is currently on Vyvanse.
Hell....I don't know.

Oh...TLS~he'll be late for work in the morning...I'll call you tonight! LOL

I'm done for now....I'll check back with ya'll next week and let ya know how it's going.

thanks!
marie

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Definitely check with the pediatrician, psychologist, etc. about his ADHD meds. My niece's meds had to be adjusted a few times when going through puberty.

Now...when my DS is 13 and does something stupid I'm confident that I can come here for advice too because Marie, you've handled this situation beautifully! Give yourself a pat on the back from me!