Yet another WWYD OT post

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I have an 8yo daughter. She's a little social butterfly and luckily we have plenty of kids(boys and girls) in our little neighborhood for her to play with. During the summer she would be off with the kids everyday, back and forth between houses. Except on Monday and Tuesday, when her 9yo male cousin would come over.

We have always had him over every week because he even though he lives in a neighborhood with lots of kids, he doesnt have a single friend. He isn't allowed. Yes, he has "the" helicopter mom, i'm pretty sure there's a picture of her in the dictionary. We feel bad for him, so he comes here. Of course when he's here they have to stay in our yard. his mom would have a stroke if he were to even ride his bike in the street(i'm the last house on a dead end cul de sac). So the neighborhood kids will come and go. There are boys and girls, so he enjoys playing with these kids.

So here's the problem. Now that school is here, my daughter has less time to play with friends. We have other obligations on week ends and on Fridays. That leaves Mon, Tues, Wed and Thursday for her to play. Usually the kids are out from 4-6, so it isn't even all that much time. With her cousin here, she's stuck here, and she doesn't want to be. They used to be close, and i can see her starting to resent him. She doesn't want him here. I do understand they will grow further apart because they are the opposite sex, but for now that isn't what is bothering her. she doesn't want to be trapped here when she see's all her friends on bikes.

She asked this morning if he could not come over. I feel stuck. I hate to take his only social outlet away, but i also don't think it's fair to my child that she has to stay home if she clearly doesn't want to. Talking to his mom about this is useless, she isn't going to budge.

i'm sad that I have to do this, but I do think i'll have to stop bringing him over. Unless anyone has a better suggestion, I just don't know what to do.

Mess up on purpose; do something you know will absolutely drive her nuts (but in reality will cause no harm). She'll cross you off her accepted list, and then you'll be free.

Let me add, while I do feel bad for your nephew, you can't *fix* his family situation, y'know. She is what she is, and just making him so aware of how small his life is because of it may be causing him more pain than it's worth-for everyone involved...

 

[WDWorBUST]

I think you need to speak to the mom. Maybe you can be honest with her and work out some type of compromise. I totally agree that your child should not have limits you don't normally impose on her because her cousin is over. However - I am a "helicopter" mom and proud of it. DD is turning 5 next month and she has never stayed over anywhere except nanny & poppa's. I won't let her stay overnight with her closest friend who is the child of my closest friend even because we have two different opinions on how much supervision children that age need. All I know is that accidents, etc do happen - and should anything even minor happen to my daughter I can be confident knowing I did everything reasonably possible to protect her. And no - she does not live in a bubble. She plays and does gymnastics and dance. But when she rides her bike in the street Dh is at one end and I'm at the other - or one of us walks back and forth with her (fortunately she can't ride very well so keeping up isn't too big of an issue yet). Of course she is still young enough that I don't think we are really being overprotective at all. Good luck - it sounds like that little boy really needs you.

 

[jellybeans0607]

Mess up on purpose; do something you know will absolutely drive her nuts (but in reality will cause no harm). She'll cross you off her accepted list, and then you'll be free.

Let me add, while I do feel bad for your nephew, you can't *fix* his family situation, y'know. She is what she is, and just making him so aware of how small his life is because of it may be causing him more pain than it's worth-for everyone involved...

Yeah, i know i can't fix his situation. Which is why we've done what we can do bring him here to play with our kids. He's an only child. Until this school year, it's been fine. Now that they are getting older and my daughter has more freedom, it's not fine anymore.
I don't want to hurt him by showing him what normal kids do, and I don't want to hurt him by not bringing him here anymore.
I tried a couple months ago to convince her he needed outside activities. I was so happy when she signed him up for football, but a month later, he no longer does football. She didn't like that they met 4 times a week. She said it was too much for him

 

[Nancyg56]

I would ask your DH to talk to his sister. This is nuts!

 

[Disney1976]

Yeah, maybe if I start slow. Like syaing amybe today they could try just playing at Cameron's house and maybe he could ride his bike to and from Cam's house. Maybe work her up to letting him be normal?

Exactly, yes! But wow...just saw your last post. She won't even let him ride his bike on a dead-end? Geez! Does she wrap her kid in bubble wrap too? Time to cut the cord! I hope she knows that she's setting up her son to get a beat down from bullies every day from middle school through high school being so overprotective.

Have you tried asking her exactly what she's afraid might happen? Maybe approach it from that perspective? Like if his mom says "I'm afraid he'll get hit by a car", point out how safe it is to ride bikes. If she says "I'm afraid he'll get kidnapped", tell her there are tons of kids outside at once, and parents always watching.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Could you set up something to lure the other kids into your yard? I can't imagine that the only thing these kids do is ride bikes.

 

[allison443]

OP I wasn't sure from your post, are you watching him (babysitting) while his parents work or are you just having him over to play with your DD? I think it is great that you are trying to foster a close relationship between the cousins. However, if it isn't babysitting while his parents are working, maybe you could cut down to one day a week.
My other suggestion would be to have a couple neighborhood kids come over and play in your house or yard while the cousin is there, that way your dd can still see her friends.
I hope it works out for you

 

[jellybeans0607]

OP I wasn't sure from your post, are you watching him (babysitting) while his parents work or are you just having him over to play with your DD? I think it is great that you are trying to foster a close relationship between the cousins. However, if it isn't babysitting while his parents are working, maybe you could cut down to one day a week.
My other suggestion would be to have a couple neighborhood kids come over and play in your house or yard while the cousin is there, that way your dd can still see her friends.
I hope it works out for you

no, I don't babysit him. I just like to get him out of the house.

The kids do come here, but then they leave. I don't have the swingsets and yard toys that the other houses have. My husband sleeps during the day, so I don't have them in the house.

they just don't play as much here, and to be honest, I don't plan to set up daily events to get them here. It's just not me.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Just curious - does your nephew have any sort of issue that makes his mom so over-protective, like health or learning issues or some other impairment? Not that it's my business, but it just seems like her behavior is very extreme if this child is a 'regular kid'. I mean, really - he can't ride a bike in front of your house on a cul-de-sac, with his cousin, while his aunt is right at home? It's a dream come true, lol - can my kids be your kids' cousins?

I generally agree with everything that's already been written. It is entirely unfair for your daughter to have to sacrifice because your SIL is the way she is, but I also see how you can't just cut your nephew loose, either. I don't have a great solution, and I do wish you luck.

 

[Mkrop]

Could you set up something to lure the other kids into your yard? I can't imagine that the only thing these kids do is ride bikes.

This was going to be my suggestion as well but then you posted this isnt your "thing". If you want to foster this relationship on a go forward basis then maybe you need to have this be your "thing". You could provide sidewalk chalk and othe things to lure them.

I would talk with the other moms and see if you can get the kids to come down your way on the days he is there, I would love for my kids to play in a deadend cul de sac.

Did you tell SIL that your kids dont ride in the backyard and that they ride in the culdesac so that is where DNephew would have to ride. Are you out there with them? Would that help ease her concerns?

I mean you cant change her and you cant be making fun of her parenting, her way is what works for them if it doesnt work for you then there is only so much you can do.

And btw football is a HUGE time commitment and you really do need to be dedicated to taking your kid, if my kid was struggling with school work (you say he struggles with reading right?) then football might not have been the best sport for them to choose. I have a straight A student and there are nights I am counting the days until football is over, he loves it so we perservere

 

[Lovin' Disney]

Does he have to come over every weekday? Can he just come over on Tuesdays and Thursdays or whatever works for you? That way your daughter knows that she can go play with her friends outside on Mondays and Wednesdays, but that Tuesdays and Thursdays are reserved for staying close to the house and playing with her cousin or staying in the yard and playing with friends.

 

[crisi]

Your house, your rules. If your daughter can ride her bike in the cul de sac when he is not there, she can ride it when he is there - and he can ride his as well. If his mother isn't comfortable with this, she can entertain her own child.

 

[Tinker74]

I am glad to hear you do not agree with your husband on this issue. Your SIL has EVERY right to know what her son will be doing and then leave the choice up to her. To the SIL this clearly IS a safety issue. Letting kids run around outside unsupervised is not safe to some people. ( I don't let my kids do it. If that makes me a "helicopter" so be it. ) I do not blame you for wanting to put your daughter's needs first. But do not go behind your SIL's back to do it.

Can you just have him over less often? Once a week maybe or every other week so he doesn't feel totally cut off and your daughter has more time with her friends? I would not have him over and let your daughter take off as a PP suggested. That is just cruel. It would be better for him to not come at all.

I agree with you on this. I must be a "helicopter mom" too as I do not let my 8 year old DD go anywhere unsupervised in public. hmmmm...not sure I'd want my dd pitied though like the op pitys her nephew...iam sure the boy mixes plenty with other kids in school..Everyone parents differently we shouldn't feel sorry for kids whose moms are very protective...thats a bit ppatronising imo.

Edit to add...my dd attends Drama ..dance and brownies each week and has plenty of friends...but let her play out front where i can't see her..I don't think so. but Iam from the Uk and most young children here don't play out by themselves...well in my town anyway.
I also don't allow sleepovers yet with friends...but will probably start them in the next year or so.

 

[Rylee]

Your house, your rules. If your daughter can ride her bike in the cul de sac when he is not there, she can ride it when he is there - and he can ride his as well. If his mother isn't comfortable with this, she can entertain her own child.

I disagree.

I agree with the "your house, your rules," part but as the mother of 5...

When my children are at other houses, I tell them they have to go by "house rules" AND our rules.

While I agree riding a bike on a dead end street, playing with a bunch of neighborhood kids might not be a big deal, the point is children need to learn to follow the rules and safety guidelines their parents put in place for them.

My son goes to play with friends who have dirt bikes & 4-wheelers, etc. He has no experience driving either, and it is my rule, that he is not allowed on them. These parents respect my wishes. Their child has the choice to either, 1) not invite my son over, or 2) not ride his dirt bike while my son is visiting.

 

[bellebud]

will your sil come over for the 2 hours he's there sometimes, to hang outside to casually watch the kids? then maybe she'll start to feel more comfortable about it and allow it at some point when she's not there. just a suggestion. this is a sticky situation, and you're a wonderful aunt!!

 

[crisi]

I disagree.

I agree with the "your house, your rules," part but as the mother of 5...

When my children are at other houses, I tell them they have to go by "house rules" AND our rules.

While I agree riding a bike on a dead end street, playing with a bunch of neighborhood kids might not be a big deal, the point is children need to learn to follow the rules and safety guidelines their parents put in place for them.

My son goes to play with friends who have dirt bikes & 4-wheelers, etc. He has no experience driving either, and it is my rule, that he is not allowed on them. These parents respect my wishes. Their child has the choice to either, 1) not invite my son over, or 2) not ride his dirt bike while my son is visiting.

Then don't send your kids over to my house, because I'm not enforcing your rules on my kids in my own home. If your kids will self enforce the rules (my mom doesn't let me eat more than one cookie) fine - we have all sorts of kids in my home that do just that. But it isn't fair that my kids would be restricted to one cookie instead of two because your kid is over - particularly if your kid is over on as often as the OPs nephew. I'd resent my cousin as well if I were her daughter - sounds like the nephew over means she has a much more restrictive set of rules and isn't able to play with her own friends. Nor would someone with more permissive rules be able to override our household rules (we restrict sweets and soda, TV and internet.)

 

[jellybeans0607]

Just curious - does your nephew have any sort of issue that makes his mom so over-protective, like health or learning issues or some other impairment? Not that it's my business, but it just seems like her behavior is very extreme if this child is a 'regular kid'. I mean, really - he can't ride a bike in front of your house on a cul-de-sac, with his cousin, while his aunt is right at home? It's a dream come true, lol - can my kids be your kids' cousins?

I generally agree with everything that's already been written. It is entirely unfair for your daughter to have to sacrifice because your SIL is the way she is, but I also see how you can't just cut your nephew loose, either. I don't have a great solution, and I do wish you luck.

No, he's as normal as his situation allows him to be. He does seem to be a little behind socially than the other kids I know his age. My guess is it's because he doesn't have friends.

I honestly think she is "sick". I've told my husband that I think his family really needs to intervene.

Here's a story that i feel really shows what I mean(and trust me there are a million like this one).
I was at Target with my 3 kids a couple years ago. We ran into my sil and my nephew. We ended up inviting them over for dinner. When we were leaving my nephew wanted to go in my car with the other kids. She reluctantly agreed, we transferred his car seat, she buckled him in and then she followed me home.
Two minutes after we left Target she called me on my cell in histerics. she wasn't sure if I had her son, she couldn't remember if she put him in my car. I assured her I had her son and he was just fine.
Another 2 minutes go by and she calls me again, crying that she wasnt sure that I had her son. She finally said she needed me to pull over and put him back in her car.


And like I said there are more stories like this. It is a very bizarre situation.

 

[jellybeans0607]

This was going to be my suggestion as well but then you posted this isnt your "thing". If you want to foster this relationship on a go forward basis then maybe you need to have this be your "thing". You could provide sidewalk chalk and othe things to lure them.

I would talk with the other moms and see if you can get the kids to come down your way on the days he is there, I would love for my kids to play in a deadend cul de sac.

Did you tell SIL that your kids dont ride in the backyard and that they ride in the culdesac so that is where DNephew would have to ride. Are you out there with them? Would that help ease her concerns?

I mean you cant change her and you cant be making fun of her parenting, her way is what works for them if it doesnt work for you then there is only so much you can do.

And btw football is a HUGE time commitment and you really do need to be dedicated to taking your kid, if my kid was struggling with school work (you say he struggles with reading right?) then football might not have been the best sport for them to choose. I have a straight A student and there are nights I am counting the days until football is over, he loves it so we perservere

As much as I would love to think sidewalk chalk would lure them to my house, it wouldn't. They are older than that.
They do come to our house, but they tend to skip around a lot. They don't seem to spend much time in one place. Except for one neighbors house and thats because there is a tree house there. And no, I have no plans to build a tree house on my property.
No, i'm not outside all the time. I'm in and out. But even if I were outside I can't see them when they leave my little area.

I understand football is a big time commitment, but he finally loved something. He was finally excited about something. And she jsut didn't want to do it.

 

[jellybeans0607]

Then don't send your kids over to my house, because I'm not enforcing your rules on my kids in my own home. If your kids will self enforce the rules (my mom doesn't let me eat more than one cookie) fine - we have all sorts of kids in my home that do just that. But it isn't fair that my kids would be restricted to one cookie instead of two because your kid is over - particularly if your kid is over on as often as the OPs nephew. I'd resent my cousin as well if I were her daughter - sounds like the nephew over means she has a much more restrictive set of rules and isn't able to play with her own friends. Nor would someone with more permissive rules be able to override our household rules (we restrict sweets and soda, TV and internet.)

ITA with this.

When the kids were younger, they didn't leave the property as much. But now that she's older and able to handle being with her friends. I need to let her do that. Personally i feel that is an important step in helping them be self aware and to give them the confidence they need to be able to handle themselves in situations when they arent with me.
I also feel it is unfair that the rules change when her cousin is here.

So I guess this is still the dilema. When we started these play dates I never saw into the future that we would have to change how we do things.

 

[Emma's Dad]

Wow... what a situation to be in. While I can certainly understand that we as parents need to be very cautious with our kids (given the increase in sickos now-a-days), I would be torn just as you are. I think I would have to sit down with my DD and ask her how she feels about the situation and see how she would like to handle it. In the end, I would think the cousin would have less visits to the house. I'm not about to place restrictions on my DD just because another parent wants to be more restrictive. Especially a parent as paranoid as your SIL.