Wwyd

[HelenePA]

My brother and his fiancee are getting married next Oct (2012) I have told them I would chip in on some of the cost. They (we) have gone to look at many places but nothing is booked I mean nothing. Would you wait until they had something to put a deposit down on to give them money or just give it to them now and just hope they use it for wedding costs? I also plan on giving them more next year if that matters. They are both REALLY REALLY bad with money.. that is my only worry... I'd love to give them more than I plan (a few k$ we aren't talking about 200$ or anything) but all 6 of us are in the wedding which is going to be $$$$$ I was kidding around with her that she will be hosting christmas dinner the year she gets married and all of us will be showing in our dresses/suits just so we can use them again I just want them to get what they want and be able to pay for it.. kwim?

 

[WDWisTheBest]

My brother and his fiancee are getting married next Oct (2012) I have told them I would chip in on some of the cost. They (we) have gone to look at many places but nothing is booked I mean nothing. Would you wait until they had something to put a deposit down on to give them money or just give it to them now and just hope they use it for wedding costs? I also plan on giving them more next year if that matters. They are both REALLY REALLY bad with money.. that is my only worry... I'd love to give them more than I plan (a few k$ we aren't talking about 200$ or anything) but all 6 of us are in the wedding which is going to be $$$$$ I was kidding around with her that she will be hosting christmas dinner the year she gets married and all of us will be showing in our dresses/suits just so we can use them again I just want them to get what they want and be able to pay for it.. kwim?

Wait for the deposit to be needed, then pay the deposit by credit card.

 

[hereyago]

You know I would wait, next year is a long time, so anything could happen. Also, if you know they are really bad with money, I wouldn't be starting an enabling pattern by giving them more.

 

[JaneBanks]

First, what a generous thing to do!

I would definitely wait to give them the money when deposits or payments are due.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My brother and his fiancee are getting married next Oct (2012) I have told them I would chip in on some of the cost. They (we) have gone to look at many places but nothing is booked I mean nothing. Would you wait until they had something to put a deposit down on to give them money or just give it to them now and just hope they use it for wedding costs? I also plan on giving them more next year if that matters. They are both REALLY REALLY bad with money.. that is my only worry... I'd love to give them more than I plan (a few k$ we aren't talking about 200$ or anything) but all 6 of us are in the wedding which is going to be $$$$$ I was kidding around with her that she will be hosting christmas dinner the year she gets married and all of us will be showing in our dresses/suits just so we can use them again I just want them to get what they want and be able to pay for it.. kwim?

OMG this is a recipe for disaster. Here is my 2 cents...

1) DO NOT put money down for a deposit for ANYTHING. That is a recipe for getting burned, which leads down a path of wedding terror.

2) Tell them you will chip in XXXX amount total, because that is your wedding budget of help. Be upfront about what you are able to pay for.

3) Tell them you will help with final costs of XYZ, up to XXXX amount.

4) If they do not have the money for a deposit, then they probably need to wait until they have it to get married. In other words, it is not a good sign of faith that they are able to sacrifice to pay for this wedding.

5) If you want to pay for the reception for example then you pay for it on your credit card. I would never give them the money directly.

Personally, I would not pay for a sibs wedding but that is NOMB.

 

[SC Minnie]

Set the money aside and wait until they put a deposit down on a place.

 

[HelenePA]

ah see it is my business... both of our (me and my bro) parents are dead, grandparents as well.. I'm about all his immediate family that's alive.. I wish I could pay for the reception but they are looking at having 300 people.. I can NOT afford that.. one place we looked at was 110$ a plate which I quickly put out of her little head.. it was an amazing place but holy bejezus.. I was invited along by the bride to be to these places.. I didn't invite myself or anything.. its her/his total decision where to have it and all the costs involved but I'm not willing to give more than I said... I told them a total of money I'd chip in and that's it... Once place I did not go see with them seems to be the best for price.. its under 10k for 150 people (which I'm almost trying to talk them into cutting their list but its their wedding) including a cake (they own a bakery) tax and tips... the pics look amazing but its their wedding after all...

 

[JaneBanks]

ah see it is my business... both of our (me and my bro) parents are dead, grandparents as well.. I'm about all his immediate family that's alive.. I wish I could pay for the reception but they are looking at having 300 people.. I can NOT afford that.. one place we looked at was 110$ a plate which I quickly put out of her little head.. it was an amazing place but holy bejezus.. I was invited along by the bride to be to these places.. I didn't invite myself or anything.. its her/his total decision where to have it and all the costs involved but I'm not willing to give more than I said... I told them a total of money I'd chip in and that's it... Once place I did not go see with them seems to be the best for price.. its under 10k for 150 people (which I'm almost trying to talk them into cutting their list but its their wedding) including a cake (they own a bakery) tax and tips... the pics look amazing but its their wedding after all...

Believe me! I was just there! I got married this past October. I thought since we weren't doing a summer month, things would be "cheaper" but I was wrong! October is the new June!

 

[SaraJayne]

ah see it is my business... both of our (me and my bro) parents are dead, grandparents as well.. I'm about all his immediate family that's alive.. I wish I could pay for the reception but they are looking at having 300 people.. I can NOT afford that.. one place we looked at was 110$ a plate which I quickly put out of her little head.. it was an amazing place but holy bejezus.. I was invited along by the bride to be to these places.. I didn't invite myself or anything.. its her/his total decision where to have it and all the costs involved but I'm not willing to give more than I said... I told them a total of money I'd chip in and that's it... Once place I did not go see with them seems to be the best for price.. its under 10k for 150 people (which I'm almost trying to talk them into cutting their list but its their wedding) including a cake (they own a bakery) tax and tips... the pics look amazing but its their wedding after all...

Really, it isn't your responsibility to fund thier wedding. It's theirs.

If they want some uber-expensive wedding/reception, then they can pony up the money for it.

And from the way it sounds, your money has strings attached. Is that the case? They only get the money if they do what you want with it?

 

[shortbun]

I think you're a peach! If they are bad with money, I'd wait and make the payments directly to the venue so it's definitely partially paid for. 300!!! I totally loved my little wedding of 21 people-including the bride and groom. Offer to help them trim their list maybe, huh? If you have no family, how did the list get so large? Hey-how are ya! Long time no see!

 

[HelenePA]

Really, it isn't your responsibility to fund thier wedding. It's theirs.

If they want some uber-expensive wedding/reception, then they can pony up the money for it.

And from the way it sounds, your money has strings attached. Is that the case? They only get the money if they do what you want with it?

Nope they can do what ever they want with it as long as its for wedding costs.. other than that I dont care what its for I'm not funding their concert habits! lol

 

[shortbun]

Really, it isn't your responsibility to fund thier wedding. It's theirs.

If they want some uber-expensive wedding/reception, then they can pony up the money for it.

And from the way it sounds, your money has strings attached. Is that the case? They only get the money if they do what you want with it?

She didn't say that at all. They invited her to help pick out the spot because they are friends/family. She just told the bride/her friend and her brother's love, that 110 a plate was too expensive. It is, especially if you're inviting 300.

 

[SC Minnie]

All you can do is offer to pay $x directly to the venue. Once that is done the balance in theirs to pay. Make sure in no uncertain terms they know once you pay what you said there is nothing else. Have they sat down and actually made a budget and figured out what they can afford?

 

[HelenePA]

its mostly her side of the family that is making the number so big.. my brothers side is SMALL, mostly dead lol so yea it is a hi havent see ya in 10 years kind of thing.. but again that's her choice I could careless. Okay then the majority (if not all) have said to wait.. sooo I guess I'll be waiting maybe start a bank account just for this.. I need to save up for dressing us as well.. lol

 

[HelenePA]

All you can do is offer to pay $x directly to the venue. Once that is done the balance in theirs to pay. Make sure in no uncertain terms they know once you pay what you said there is nothing else. Have they sat down and actually made a budget and figured out what they can afford?

No and honestly it bugs me! I think I know more of what they can afford than they do, but its their wedding. I just hope they come down from the clouds back to earth sometime soon.. I told them an exact number that's what I'm sticking with and that's why I asked about what I should do.. I dont want to hear tears of how they can't afford this or that in the end I think its my brother who's pushing for some of the more elaborate stuff.. I wanna smack him upside the head but all he says is, its my wedding I want what I want.. is there a groomzilla? I think I've found him! I also found them a photographer for free!

 

[Mixie]

I would offer to pay a certain amount (you said $$k, like $2k) but specify where it would go. Offer to pay the florist, the photographer - service people, not items.

Because you never know when a wedding may be cancelled.

If you hand over the $$ now, or are not specific, then you may get burned.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Here's my opinon- take it for what it is worth.

If they want to get married they should be smart enough to save and pay for what they want. While it is nice of you to help out it is not a requirement or obligation. They should plan on paying it all themselves and whatever you give them will help them offset the costs but they should not be counting on it. We all want things but you have to be able to afford them. I get that you feel bad because you don't have a lot of family and I know what that is like but they really need to be realistic. If THEY can't afford $110 a head they can't expect you to do it for them. That is part of being a grown up. I think it is very nice of you to do what you are doing. I would however pay the vendor -after they put their own down payment- and I would not give them the money. Unless of course your money is a wedding gift then I would simply give it to them and if they spend it on concerts that is their choice. They will then have a less elaborate wedding.

 

[Hoodie]

It sounds like they heard your offer and thought "let's get what we want! We're not paying!"

You either have to give them a budget so they know that they are responsible for anything above it, let them know that you will specifically pay for something (flowers, cake, band, whatever) or be completely involved in the wedding so you can control the purse strings.

My parents offered a flat amount to help with our wedding expenses. We could use it all for the wedding, some for the honeymoon, or have a small wedding to save the rest. It was up to us. Be prepared to say "no" though if they come back for more!

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would not give them money upfront. Oct 2012 is 19 months away and who knows what could happen in the period of time!

I agree with other posters that you need to give them a set amount of money that you will contribute and let them know that you will use this money to help with final payments as it is closer to the date of the wedding. I would not put money down for deposits, for the dress, etc.

They need to save and pay for the majority of this wedding. The amount of money that they can save in xx amouint of time may be an eye-opener for them and make them realize that the wedding of their dreams may not be the actual wedding that they can afford and that they need to scale back.

 

[HelenePA]

her parents are also going to help pay but here is the thing that bugs me.. I'm the only one who set a $ amount.. I know what I can afford.. no one else seems too! I love them. I want them to have a nice wedding but I can not pay for all of it.. I'd love to win the lotto and get them the 110$ a plate place.. it was SOOOOOO nice! but unless that happens they need to look at the 35-40 a plate places and hopefully cut down their list to half... again not my wedding but I dont know how they are going to afford 300 people even at 40$ a plate, but I can only say so much with out sounding like a b.