WWYD? Summer job for DS

[minkydog]

My DS19 is a freshman in college and is dating a girl who seems nice, but clingy. Clingy like pantyhose straight out of the dryer. She calls him frequently, wants him to come over all the time. Calls him "hun" or baby" She always has some kind of drama going on. Her parents love my son. They think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, even made up a room for him at their house She wants them to move in together(they've been dating 4 months!)

What are they thinking? I mean, he's a nice boy, but he's 19. If you think for a moment that I would allow the GF to spend the night here, you are sadly mistaken! I really think the parents are looking to unload this girl. The mother(who is on her 3rd marriage) has hinted at what a great SIL he would be and wants him to call her Mom(not...) When I asked DS what kind of work GF is planning to do he replied, "she doesn't really want to work." Fortunately, he sees this as a red flag and is put out that she is "so lazy", in his words. He loves her, but he knows he is not ready for a long-term relationship.

So, here's my idea: I think these two need some separation before this girl gets pregnant(we've had some pretty extensive convos with DS, but ya know, he's 19 and she's making the offer...). I called my brother who lives in the Outer Banks, NC, and asked him to find a summer job(the job market is very good there for seasonal employment). He has a friend who owns two parasail/jet ski rental places and hires lots of college boys for the summer. DS is thrilled about the idea and wants to try it.

GF is making whiny demands, one of which is that she go too. I have advised DS not to do this, but to "go up, try it out, send for her later" Personally, I think about 21 days in Bikini-ville will be the cure for this relationship. I would ordinarily not get my son a job, but in this situation I feel like I should get the ball rolling.

Do you think I'm outta line? Truly, I recognize that my son is a grown man and can go live with a girl if he wants to. I just think he is getting a bit ensnared and may not know how to set limits with her--he says she's "very fragile" I think the worst thing that could happen would be if she gets pregnant. Neither of them are ready to be parents. Would you ship your son away 700miles to help him regain some perspective?

 

[disykat]

I don't think you're out of line at all. You are making a suggestion and it sounds like your son likes the idea.

 

[DVCLiz]

This sounds like a great idea to me. She sounds like a nutcase.

 

[liamsaunt]

Summer on the Outer Banks at age 19? I would have loved it if my parents set me up with a job like that. As long as he wants to go, I think it is a great idea!

Will your son be staying with his uncle?

 

[barkley]

heck yes! my attitude is if the relationship isnt strong enuf to withstand a summer separation from each other it's not strong enuf for the long haul.

seen too many boys get trapped due to an unplanned (on their part) pregnancy (they truly believed the girls who swore they were on the pill, the patch, the shot).

if's he mature enuf to discuss it with him-point out that if the girl is "too fragile" to be without him for a few months what does that say about her as a prospective wife/mother to his kids? does he want to have children with someone who could not cope with taking care of them without him there?

i suspect SHE will be the one who ends the relationship by latching on to the first guy who looks her way (when your ds goes away).

might suggest to ds even if he intends to invite her up to tell her he's not so he can see her reaction-might show him what her true nature is like

 

[airplane]

This is a great idea! I just hope she doesn't follow him there.

 

[bettyann29]

I dont think theres anything wrong with your suggestion at all.. If he likes the idea I would think it would be a great opportunity for him.. Maybe this will give him time away to assess the situation with her.. 19 is young and if she were to get pregnant then his whole life would change, as would hers..

 

[mickeyboat]

As a mother, I can totally understand your feelings.

As a child, I would be furious if I knew what you were doing. And I just might work harder to make it work and move things a little faster along just to spite you! How would you like to hear "since DS is going away for the summer, we have decided to get married before he leaves?" Your plan just might backfire on you.

When I was a freshman in high school I got into a serious relationship. My parents liked the boy, but did not like the idea of me being in a serious relationship so young. We moved 800 miles away at the end of freshman year, and some part of me thinks they did it to get me away from that boy.

Too bad for them - that boy and I reunited after we graduated from high school, have been married for almost 14 years and have two beautiful daughters.

It's still early in the year and early in the relationship. I would keep talking to your DS in general terms about responsibility and relationships. Sooner or later if he is smart, he will figure out this girl is not for him. And it will give him valuable information to use when choosing someone for life.

Denae

 

[Breezy_Carol]

DS is thrilled about the idea and wants to try it.

As long as you are offering an opportunity, not forcing him to go, I think it is a great idea. I hope he goes for it, solo. (Can my 17yo DS come too?)

Sometimes you have to get your point across through the back door.

 

[minkydog]

Summer on the Outer Banks at age 19? I would have loved it if my parents set me up with a job like that. As long as he wants to go, I think it is a great idea!

Will your son be staying with his uncle?

He will either stay with my brother or stay in the rental property with the other guys, near the work site. I know, I wish I could have had this opportunity.... To be a 19yo beach bum The employers in the Outer Banks hire a lot of college students from Europe for summer work because the local population just isn't large enough to support the demands of tourism. So there are many Eastern European "babes" hanging around. My brother works at a marina and he sees them all

 

[jbdreamer]

I don't know, your son's 19. It's time to let him do his own things, and let him learn from his own mistakes. He sounds like a smart guy, and you know he is not planning on jumping into a marraige.

IMO I think you are getting a little too involved - but fortunately for you, your son seems to like the idea. But I wouldn't push too many more ideas on him anytime soon.

 

[CajunDixie]

You might also think about helping him to say "No" to her. Maybe he is only still with her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings or doesn't know how to handle all those "clingy" feelings when he tries for time apart.

 

[minkydog]

As a mother, I can totally understand your feelings.

As a child, I would be furious if I knew what you were doing. And I just might work harder to make it work and move things a little faster along just to spite you! How would you like to hear "since DS is going away for the summer, we have decided to get married before he leaves?" Your plan just might backfire on you.

When I was a freshman in high school I got into a serious relationship. My parents liked the boy, but did not like the idea of me being in a serious relationship so young. We moved 800 miles away at the end of freshman year, and some part of me thinks they did it to get me away from that boy.

Too bad for them - that boy and I reunited after we graduated from high school, have been married for almost 14 years and have two beautiful daughters.

It's still early in the year and early in the relationship. I would keep talking to your DS in general terms about responsibility and relationships. Sooner or later if he is smart, he will figure out this girl is not for him. And it will give him valuable information to use when choosing someone for life.

Denae

True. I'm glad it worked out for you, and as you point out, you were able to re-unite after high school, and presumably had matured a little more by that time. I'm not going to make his do this. He has final say over whether he goes or stays. I never say a bad word about his GF, either. I'm just encouraging him to experience all that life has to offer(in another place)

Her words to him were "Why do you want to have other experiences?" Duh...because he's a 19yo healthy male, you idiot

 

[ChibiJones]

I agree with barkley.

I would not trust this girl one bit to be taking the precautions necessary on her part to prevent a pregnancy. Distance is good. If she flat out doesn't want to work, in her warped mind she may think that getting pregnant will be a ticket to easy street (aka your son supporting her lazy butt).

 

[Mishetta]

Minkydog ~ fabulous idea dahling! He'll have such a great experience & he'll feel independent too, not to mention, he'll be making money! You have come up with a good one!

Can I call you to get advice for my DS when he turns 19??

 

[goofyforlife]

Can I ask a question?

I think it makes sense to try to get him away from her and explore other avenues.....

However, what makes everyone think that those so called "babes on the beach are any safer."

I think a job away from home at the shore for the summer is more likely to produce an unwanted pregnancy (or worse some kind of disease) and you won't even know who the girl is ahead of time......

 

[Disney845]

Hmmm...if they have been only dating for 4 month now, by the time summer rolls around they will have been together for closer to 8-9 month. That is a long amount of time for girlfriend to strengthen her position and/or to take drastic meaures if you really think she is slightly psycho (i.e. "accidental" pregnancy, convince DS to move in together). I don't know how much help a trip planned for months from now will really do to address the current problem of this "clingy" girl.

Furthermore, have you considered that you might be sending him from the frying pan into the fire? 19 year old in a summer party zone for a couple of months. I am not sure that he couldn't get himself involved in more serious issues there (drinking, drugs, random one night stands) - not that I am suggesting that your son is one to engage in these activities, but you never know.

I think however, that from your description, your son seems to have a good head on his shoulder's (see's gf as lazy and clingy) and is really looking forward to the possibility of going to the shore this summer. Provide support, continue having discussions about his future opportunities, but don't out right knock his gf. That could turn him against you if he really thinks you are interfering. At his age he really needs to make his own choices, and you can only help him so much.

 

[minkydog]

Can I ask a question?

I think it makes sense to try to get him away from her and explore other avenues.....

However, what makes everyone think that those so called "babes on the beach are any safer."

I think a job away from home at the shore for the summer is more likely to produce an unwanted pregnancy (or worse some kind of disease) and you won't even know who the girl is ahead of time......

Good point. DS is kind of shy when it comes to girls. He loves girls, but when it comes to actually dating them...he's shy. I really don't foresee the beach babes as being a big problem, although I could be wrong. He toured with Disney On Ice last winter and had a ball( but no GF).

I guess what i'm going for is to broaden his horizens a bit. We live in north Georgia--no beaches here. I thought a summer at the beach might be fun and exciting, and something he never thought about before. My brother would be there as a safety net and to keep a sorta eye on things. If DS goes, he'll have to start in May, so it's not that far off.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I don't think you are out of line. He maybe an adult, but you are still supporting him in college, so he is not a full adult. Send him and then see what happens. They may stay together after but let him test the waters first.

 

[Snowysmom]

You definately are not wrong about trying to help your DS. His GF sounds like she is trying to snare your DS. He is only 19 and has his education to complete before looking to settle down. I like the idea of trying to get him away from her but will she follow him. If the beach idea doesn't work out maybe he could get a summer job and live at home so you could keep an eye on the relationship. Keep up the talks with DS about preventing pregnancy and how he has his future ahead of him. Just try not to make it sound like you are trying to interfere. Then the kids get stubborn! My older DS had a very clingy GF who kept talking about marriage after they graduated from college but that relationship ended in their first year of college. Good luck.