WWYD--Son wrecked the car **Update pg 2

[jfulcer]

Quitting school because he had an accident would help another huge MISTAKE on top.

He had an accident, whether he was careless or not really isn't the question. Yes, he should pay your deductible, but there shouldn't be any other expenses that he would have to pay IMHO. Yes, I think I might actually take the laptop money. He's old enough to realize now that things sometimes have consequences, and his is that his laptop will have to be put on hold for a while. If he hasn't learned that yet, it's a good time to start.

 

[aprilgail2]

Wow, glad I didn't have most of you for a parent!! I had my license for 2 weeks and had an accident that was my fault in my dads car....my parents were more concerned about how I was rather than the car and who was going to pay! Insurance paid to fix my dads car and the other persons car. That was the end of it...they weren't out for my blood over one lousy accident! I was going to college, they were not going to make me work to pay off insurance etc when I needed the time to study and write papers etc...I hope that I learned from my parents and will react the same way when/if this happens with my own daughter.

 

[Zurealsoon]

I sent you a PM.

 

[Beth76]

First of all I don't even know how to respond to the fact that you would consider having him quit school.

Second of all, it was an accident. I rear ended someone (my first and only accident) when I was in college (I was 21). I was on my way to work early in the morning and some guy had stopped in the middle of the road and I didn't have enough time to stop. My insurance (paid by my parents) covered it. I don't think my rates went up. But, I didn't have to pay for anything. My parents covered any costs for me.

As an adult starting out in life, we look to our parents to help us get through. We don't need our parents to be the enemy, we don't need them to tear us down, we need them to be our support. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, some of them happen on the road. We learn from our mistakes, not from people (especially parents) pushing us down. Give the kid a little slack and a leg up. Don't beat him when he's already down.

 

[TandJ61574]

Been there sooooo many times with 4 kids. Most of the time they hit objects and not others.

They always paid the deductible ($$1000.00!!!) and any increase in insurance.

Now that they are all older and more experienced drivers they haven't gotten into any accidents in several years.

I thank God that they were never hurt.

 

[lizanne]

Turn it into your insurance. The womans medical expenses could be very high and you never know if she'll say there are other expenses or pain & suffering that require compensation. Once it's in the hands of your insurance they will handle everything and they will deal with her insurance.

In our state when you have an accident you have to exchange insurance information. I understand that in a fender bender some people perfer to work it out themselves, but if the police are there they take the information on the spot.

As far as your son is concerned, it sounds like he is taking responsibility. I see no reason why he shouldn't pay the deductables. He may need your help to pay it up front and then he can pay you back.

I know many families who have their children pay for their insurance accident or not. Then there are other families where the parents pay until the kids graduate. If you feel he should pay any increase, that certainly is fair.

My husband also has a serious heart condition and sometimes reacts to things in a manner I think is over the top. Once he gets it out of his system he calms down and becomes more rational. I hope your son won't have to leave school over this. If you think he needs to be punished then don't let him have your car/truck for a few weeks.

Hope things work out for you on all fronts.

 

[jbthi]

I would definitely turn it into the insurance company. That's why you have it.

It sounds like your son feels really bad about it and is trying to do everything he can to make up for it. If you are hurting for money, it's one thing, but if you are not I don't think I would be able to take the money that he is saving for a laptop. I guess it all depends on how responsible he is with his money. But if he is really trying to save for something like a computer, I couldn't take his money.

 

[minkydog]

That would make you the worst parents on the earth

LOL, thanks Chad. I feel so much better now.

Here's the update--
DH has calmed down now that he has talked to the insurance people. DS will surely be cited for the accident and will have to pay the fees himself. He has a job and a little savings he can use.

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR: WE ARE NOT MAKING HIM LEAVE COLLEGE!!

This was one of those careless accidents that young drivers have. He thought the other driver was going to turn right and pulled out right in front of her. (I had a similar accident at about that age and it really made a believer out of me!)Of course he is upset. The other driver apparently read him the riot act . Fortunately we had already told him to give any info but his DL and insurance, which he did.

Lest you get the wrong impression, we were very concerned for DS safety. Once we made sure he was uninjured, then we examined the car. The car is hurt, but fixable. And we have good insurance. We aren't trying to gouge our son to punish him. I only want him to take responsibility where he should.

DH does overreact sometimes and he often can't help it due to his medications. I felt that he was "over the top" and told him so. Thankfully, he knows to trust my judgement on matters like that--if I say he's overdoing it, he really is overdoing it.

Did I mention we are not making DS quit college? Okay. Just as long as we got that straightened out.

 

[Serena]

I'd take another day or two to figure out exactly what you're going to do. Cooler heads will make less mistakes.

If your son is anything like my daughter. Any over doing it in the father's part makes them automatically react without thinking and just making everything worse.
I'd write down the options and discuss them together. Decide on what's best for now and the future.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Hardly an accident -- seems more like careless driving. Is he being charged?

And I bet that you have never done anything that could be considered careless! I know I sure have, even though I haven't been involved in an accident in my almost 30 years of driving. Just the other day I was at an intersection where I had a stop sign. I'd been through the intersection before and knew the oncoming people did not have a stop, but the street with the stop is actually busier than the street without it (because of new construction in the area--they need to add stop signs, as I'm sure they will after there are a few accidents). Anyway, when I was there recently I stopped and then went. Once I was through the interesection I realized that I'd assumed that it was a 4 way stop. Stupid on my part and thankfully nobody was coming, but it reminded me how easy it is even for an experienced driver to make a mistake. Good reminder since it was just down the street from where my DD's boyfriend had been in his accident a few months before.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Did I mention we are not making DS quit college? Okay. Just as long as we got that straightened out.

Somehow I never thought in a million years that you were making your son quit college! lol It's one of those times that you make sure they are not hurt and then you quickly want to kill them.

 

[mickeyboat]

I wrecked my parents' car when I was 16. I was fiddling with the radio and came over a hill where there was traffic stopped in the road. I could not stop in time and hit the bumper of a huge pick up truck. There was $250 damage to the truck, $800 to the car.

Want to know how I remember that? I had to pay for half of the cost of the damage almost 20 years later - which was small enough that my parents didn't report it to the insurance company.

I am a much more cautious driver now and really learned from my mistake.

I think it is great that you are making your son take responsibility for the accident. I think it will make him a better driver.

Denae

 

[Marseeya]

Wow, glad I didn't have most of you for a parent!! I had my license for 2 weeks and had an accident that was my fault in my dads car....my parents were more concerned about how I was rather than the car and who was going to pay! Insurance paid to fix my dads car and the other persons car. That was the end of it...they weren't out for my blood over one lousy accident! I was going to college, they were not going to make me work to pay off insurance etc when I needed the time to study and write papers etc...I hope that I learned from my parents and will react the same way when/if this happens with my own daughter.

Are you serious??

I'm willing to bet my husband's next paycheck that the OP was way more concerned about her son than the car, and that she waited an "appropriate" amount of time to be worried about the financial aspect of it.

 

[minkydog]

Are you serious??

I'm willing to bet my husband's next paycheck that the OP was way more concerned about her son than the car, and that she waited an "appropriate" amount of time to be worried about the financial aspect of it.

Thanks for going to bat for me. Anyone who knows me from these boards knows how much I love my kids, how hard I fight for them,no matter how difficult they can be. This is just one of those life-lessons, one I imagine he will never have to learn again. Right now, DS19 is beating himself up pretty badly. He's worried about this other driver and he's worried about how his dad is taking it all. And he feels like a big failure. I need to be in his corner and help him do the mature thing, take responsibility, pay his bills, go to court, and handle the insurance, none of which has he ever done before. I have no intention of doing any of this for him, but I'll go with him in silent support every step of the way.

Cathy--Motherhood, the toughest job you'll ever love

 

[ajksmom]

I'm the proud mom of DS19 who had 2 accidents in 6 weeks at age 17 that totalled both mine and my BIL's trucks. He had a blowout in mine, and avoided hitting a deer and oncoming traffic and ran off the road into a BIG ditch in BIL's. That poor kid beat himself up sooo bad for a long time. Still cringes when we speak of it.

What did we do? Let insurance settle for the trucks and property damage that happened. Done - that's what insurance is for. When our policy came up for renewal the following year, he not only covered his portion again but the increase also. Our logic was that the increase was caused by his accidents, and he needed to cover the increase. Period. That's what happens in adulthood/real life, and he should be prepared for it. We've chosen to keep him on our policy - 1) to show him we trust that these things were in fact accidents, and that they can happen to anyone at any time - and 2) to keep his rates somewhat affordable. It's insane what it costs these kids nowadays!!

 

[lisajl]

My DD had two accidents within about 7 months of each other.
Lucikly, no one was hurt. Her insurance did go up and she pays for it.
She is still in college and is going to stay there! The second accident really totaled her car. We helped get another one, she paid for some of it.
But her first priority, besides work, is college.

Lisa

 

[Marseeya]

Thanks for going to bat for me. Anyone who knows me from these boards knows how much I love my kids, how hard I fight for them,no matter how difficult they can be. This is just one of those life-lessons, one I imagine he will never have to learn again. Right now, DS19 is beating himself up pretty badly. He's worried about this other driver and he's worried about how his dad is taking it all. And he feels like a big failure. I need to be in his corner and help him do the mature thing, take responsibility, pay his bills, go to court, and handle the insurance, none of which has he ever done before. I have no intention of doing any of this for him, but I'll go with him in silent support every step of the way.

Cathy--Motherhood, the toughest job you'll ever love

No problem! I've read your posts about your kids numerous times, plus I can't imagine any mother on these boards worrying more about a car than their kids.

Also, my DH was in an accident a month ago and I spent a good couple of days crying off and on because I was so relieved he wasn't badly injured. But that didn't stop me from worrying about the financial aspects and any other consequences that would arise.

 

[Laurajean1014]

If your insurance is going to pay for all damages less the deductible, then what are you asking him to pay for? The deductible or the cost if you didn't have insurance?

Either way, I would not do either (DH or your option).

Accidents are by definition; things that happen without a reason, purpose or intent. Therefore, it was a mistake. Thankfully, the woman was not seriously hurt and he did not hurt himself or someone in his car.

I would keep him aware of every step of the claim that you put into the insurance and walk him through the process. Learning this way will be informative and teach him of reactions to his actions.

That's always been a better way for me to learn a lesson, instead of being punished for it.

 

[crz4mm2]

I would make him pay for the increase in your insurance rates (because they ARE going to go up). It was an accident. Accidents happen. I know you are extremely happy he (and the other driver) weren't hurt!
Your insurance should pay for the damages to both cars. I might make him pay for the deductible if there is one.

I would NEVER make him drop out of college to pay for it.

Good luck. It is tough being a parent. Life lessons are hard.

Cathy

 

[Disney Doll]

Glad things have settled down.

I remember as a fairly new driver that I got into an accident about 4-5 months for about 2 years straight...none my fault. I was broadsided by a drunk driver, broadsided by an older man who "didn't see" the stop sign, rear ended, backed over by an 18 wheel flatbed just to name a few. I also had the neasty habit of getting into accidents on Christmas Eve. My parents joke and say I was responsible for 99% of their gray hair!!!!!!! And they are probably right!

I will say that after every accident, even though I was never cited at fault, I always felt bad. They are a apin, they are an expense, but the most important hting, as you have said, is that no one got hurt, you have insurance, your DS will learn a valuable lesson.