WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[Tam1067]

I really think you need to let this go. Do you want to risk a family rift?

Many weddings do not include kids. I agree with the others who've said you should get a sitter and enjoy an evening out with your DH.

And as someone else also said, kids are also often bored at wedding receptions. We went to a kid friendly wedding in March. They had a table with Legos and coloring books for the kids and even a child meal option for dinner. And guess what? My kids (including the 13 year old) got tired and wanted to leave by 9:00, as soon as they had their cake.

Really, take the opportunity to have fun without your DD, and please do not tell her that she is missing something great. Tell her it will be a boring party with adults sitting at tables and talking and eating mediocre food, and that she'll have more fun doing whatever you plan for her that evening.

 

[DCbride]

I totally understand how you feel. My SIL got married this past spring and DD3, was basically told not to attend. I was pretty shocked since SIL was there for her birth, I figured she would be a flower girl, even though 3 is young. But nope, no wedding (outside, not in a church) and definitely no reception. It was at a hotel and I was going to ask my parents to watch her for the reception part. It was disappointing, and believe me after hearing a year of "it's her wedding, we all have to do whatever she wants" I was pretty annoyed when it took her 5 weeks to get back to me about whether DD was going to be in the wedding or not and then my MIL finally told me. And your daughter is much older and would probably absolutely love to be in the wedding.

All in all everything worked out.

 

[Lizzy2]

I think weddings are family affairs and that includes kids. At mine, one of my oldest friends little ones "chattered" all the way through the ceremony and it was a completely happy sound I loved it!! At the reception, all of the kids danced and played and had a wonderful time. I can't imagine the day without them. My DSIL and DB had a "no kids" wedding- too disruptive, too expensive for food uneaten, etc. Now they have a kid and he's been in two weddings that I know of and they drag him to every one they go to- It just kills me how things change once you have your own Your sister is being a jerk but I imagine unless you totally want to skip it- you will have to put up with it. Hang in there girl

 

[woodkins]

I really think you need to let this go. Do you want to risk a family rift?

Many weddings do not include kids. I agree with the others who've said you should get a sitter and enjoy an evening out with your DH.

And as someone else also said, kids are also often bored at wedding receptions. We went to a kid friendly wedding in March. They had a table with Legos and coloring books for the kids and even a child meal option for dinner. And guess what? My kids (including the 13 year old) got tired and wanted to leave by 9:00, as soon as they had their cake.

Really, take the opportunity to have fun without your DD, and please do not tell her that she is missing something great. Tell her it will be a boring party with adults sitting at tables and talking and eating mediocre food, and that she'll have more fun doing whatever you plan for her that evening.

She is a very mature almost 8yr old right now & she knows exactly what she will be missing as she was just in the bridal party for my brother's wedding in February & attended both the church and reception and had a BLAST. She behaved beautifully and we received many compliments on her maturity and behavior.

For what it is worth & I am as entitled to my opinion as everyone else, I think it is wrong to exclude her due to the explaination that if they invite her it opens the door to having to invite children that are cousins friends etc. She is NOT a cousin, friend or aquaintance, she is her ONLY blood niece or nephew and her godchild to boot. She is immediate family and that to me is important. I am willing to dig in my heels over this and if it causes a rift then so be it. The fact that she is wanting me to have her participate in the church ceremony but not the reception is also not nice in my eyes. So my dd is good enough to participate in the free events but not the part that will cost her money?

I thank everyone for their opinions, however from hearing the arguments for my letting it go I am not compelled to do so. All of those in support due to the "child" aspect are sighting behavior issues with children under age 5...she will be 9. And yes, you are correct she is the bride and can do as she chooses, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree or go along with it. As it stands right now, I am declining to be in the bridal party & may or may not attend the wedding. (My Mom is the maid of honor & supposedly I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid).

 

[Duckiedee]

Seriously - I think if you decline to be in the party over this and maybe not go to the wedding - YOU are the one who is going to look like the "B" in this. I'm not saying that you ARE. I can see you are hurt and you get to own those feelings.

But, principle or not - as the ELDER sister, it's best to take the high road. When HER kids are not invited to something in a few years YOU can give her "The Look". It will have MUCH more power and emphasis then.

If you want to talk to her about the subject gently - that is up to you. Unless she is normally an ungracious person, I think she is NOT trying to her you or your neice. This could be why it was brought up to you by someone else. She was nervous to hurt you. Or perhaps the person spilled the beans before she could talk to you.

Take it as a night to enjoy your spouse and relive YOUR wedding night. Wink. Wink.!!! You can always make lemonade out of lemons... start chucking lemons back and you'll have a messy foodfight on your hands.

You may not think she's being right... but to not participate on your end is not right either.... she is your sister. Lead by example and SHOW her how to be sisterly and kind - even if you don't think she is right now.

If she died the week after her wedding - would you wish you were there? Or worked yourself up over this?

 

[yooperfamily]

I don't like it when people exclude kids from weddings either. I had this happen twice now. Once when my first son was an infant, and I even asked my cousin if she minded that I brought my son (he was nursing and i did drive 10 hours to attend) - she said "well, no because we aren't having kids at the wedding and if we let you, then we'll have to let everyone" - ok, fine... BUT.... when I got to the wedding and reception there WERE kids there! her other cousins kids! 2 of the 3 were in the wedding, but still! it really hurt my feelings.

The other wedding we went to my son was 4 then, so obviously not nursing anymore! But DH went with me to this wedding (it was his niece) and we had a BLAST not having to worry about him.... but his niece still did have a couple of other kids there. So.... I do understand that your sister is saying "no kids" and she really means it.... because the 2 "no kid" weddings I have been to, DID actually have some kids attend.... just not mine and it hurt! (well, others weren't invited either, but my point was that their "no kids" didn't mean NO KIDS... they just excluded certain kids)

 

[mickey&minniealways]

If you are being asked to bring your daughter to a wedding ceremony to be a part of it then she should be part of the reception. If the bride wants her to be part of it fine. However I think that the bride and groom should then also provide her with something to to while you are at the reception. Depending on how far you live from where it is all being held would have something to do with weather or not you can just drop her off with a babysitter. A couple does not want kids at the reception thats fine but do not include them in the ceremony if that is the case. You can't have it both ways. Who is paying for the wedding. The bride and groom or their parents. If you are going to say something make sure you know who to speak to. That being said I would just not bring her to the wedding at all. Hire a sitter and have a night out. Very good friends of our have a similar situation. A large family. One niece was getting married. Did not invite any of the cousins. Sister decided it was probably because of money. She called the bride, her niece, offered to host a jack and jill party to raise money so the kids could go. ( This would have meant 9 kids from this side alone). Bride got very upset. Called mom in tears, why couldn't the family just let her have the wedding she wanted. The sisters just spoke to each other for the first time in 3 years about a week ago. It did not go very well. Don't let things go this far.

 

[CruisinEars]

Krysta, I completely agree with you as well. Weddings are family affairs and children should be in attendance. I have been to many weddings and not one was an adults only reception. I would think an adults only reception would be boring. Many times the kids add an entertainment element and everybody enjoys watching the kids have a good time. I could not imagine how hurt I would be if my dd9 and ds12 were excluded from the celebration of marriage of any of my family.

 

[woodkins]

If you are being asked to bring your daughter to a wedding ceremony to be a part of it then she should be part of the reception. If the bride wants her to be part of it fine. However I think that the bride and groom should then also provide her with something to to while you are at the reception. Depending on how far you live from where it is all being held would have something to do with weather or not you can just drop her off with a babysitter. A couple does not want kids at the reception thats fine but do not include them in the ceremony if that is the case. You can't have it both ways. Who is paying for the wedding. The bride and groom or their parents. If you are going to say something make sure you know who to speak to. That being said I would just not bring her to the wedding at all. Hire a sitter and have a night out. Very good friends of our have a similar situation. A large family. One niece was getting married. Did not invite any of the cousins. Sister decided it was probably because of money. She called the bride, her niece, offered to host a jack and jill party to raise money so the kids could go. ( This would have meant 9 kids from this side alone). Bride got very upset. Called mom in tears, why couldn't the family just let her have the wedding she wanted. The sisters just spoke to each other for the first time in 3 years about a week ago. It did not go very well. Don't let things go this far.

Once again...these are cousins. Not a niece or nephew.
My parents are paying for the wedding. My sister and I are not super close...her choice, not mine. She is VERY immature & has my mom handle all of her business (she even had my mom go with her to register for her masters degree classes ).

Many things have gone on in the past that I have overlooked as I am the oldest and "paved the way" for my siblings. I paid for my wedding with a small contribution from my parents, they are footing the bill for her who shebang. They paid for her BA & MA, I got a coupon book to repay the little they loaned me for my BA (I went to a university on full academic scholarship).

At this point I am ready to cut ties if they believe that my daughter is not family enough to attend the reception. They clearly think she is mature enought to handle being a part of the ceremony, and in my eyes if she is good enough for one she is good enough for the other. The ironic part in the whole situation is the brother who had dd in his wedding has never been close to me, in fact he is closest to the sister getting married and I am closest to db that is single and loving it.

 

[NJtoATL]

I am another person who believes that children do not belong at a wedding reception. My husbands nieces and nephews were allowed to attend the services at the church. My flower girl and ring bearer weren't at the reception. I had been at too many formal affairs and witnessed the children do things like play in the food, the punch, knocked down the wedding cake. IMO, the adults are too busy having fun to watch their children. With that being said, look at the positive side. Less money you have to spend on an outfit, hair, shoes, etc.

 

[tartemis]

I couldn't figure out why you would let such a silly issue cause such a rift in your family until I read your last post -- this isn't just about the wedding, there has been a long history of perceived slights here.

Honestly -- I would be the bigger person and just let it go. I, too, am the oldest sibling and I, too, had to pay my way through college, while my younger sibling had his whole way paid. Today, my parents still give him money even though he makes about 4 times what they do! It is ridiculous. I could go on and on, but, truthfully, I know my parents love both of us and they are doing the best they can -- they just view me as more self-sufficient. My advice to you is to try and let go of some of those hurt feelings.

Re the wedding -- it has nothing to do with whether your daughter is "good enough" -- don't think that way. It is just that your sister wants a certain-type of wedding; one that doesn't involve kids.

In full disclosure, I, too, had a kids-free wedding -- which meant that my husband's nephews weren't invited. It was a black-tie affair and, frankly, I don't think kids belong at a black-tie affair. My family is very ettiquite conscious (to a fault) so I guarantee it isn't some sort of faux paus.

All that being said -- if she is to have a role in the wedding, she should be invited to the reception.

 

[krcit]

OP , keep in mind that your sister does not have kids yet so she does not understand how this is hurting you. I would suggest talking to her before you make a decision that may forever alter your relationship with her. I was at a wedding last year and the grooms brother was not there because of a similar situation. The bride and groom did not want children at the reception and the best man's wife was so mad that neither her nor him came to the wedding. It was a real shame and terribly sad. They did not speak again until their mother's funeral a year later. I do understand that you are hurt, I really do-I just hate to see situations get out of hand over things like this.

 

[pyrxtc]

My brother is getting married next year and having a no kids wedding as did my other siblings. All 4 of my kids have attended each of these wedding but I had to ask my brother about his sicne I wasn't sure his girl would allow it. But... no kids, no me. Sorry ! I'd love to see my brother get married but my whole family should be there. My kids have know him longer than his girl has. My kids are 6, 9, 13, and 16. the first wedding was 4 yrs ago and they had a blast. they really enjoy weddings are good at dancing and always behave very well. It would hurt me deeply if my kids were not invited.

 

[antsss]

When we got married we had no kids at the reception and most of our guests were thrilled to leave the kids with grandma or a sitter and have a relaxing time at our evening wedding reception. We were married later than most of our friends and cousins, so I can't imaging how the guest list would have ballooned if we included kids. I have only been to one wedding with kids and it was nice, I guess, to include them, but I spent the whole time trying to deal with my baby and toddler. I love spending time with my kids but frankly, would have enjoyed a few hours of drinking adult beverages, having adult conversations and dancing with my husband.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

She is a very mature almost 8yr old right now & she knows exactly what she will be missing as she was just in the bridal party for my brother's wedding in February & attended both the church and reception and had a BLAST. She behaved beautifully and we received many compliments on her maturity and behavior.

For what it is worth & I am as entitled to my opinion as everyone else, I think it is wrong to exclude her due to the explaination that if they invite her it opens the door to having to invite children that are cousins friends etc. She is NOT a cousin, friend or aquaintance, she is her ONLY blood niece or nephew and her godchild to boot. She is immediate family and that to me is important. I am willing to dig in my heels over this and if it causes a rift then so be it. The fact that she is wanting me to have her participate in the church ceremony but not the reception is also not nice in my eyes. So my dd is good enough to participate in the free events but not the part that will cost her money?

I thank everyone for their opinions, however from hearing the arguments for my letting it go I am not compelled to do so. All of those in support due to the "child" aspect are sighting behavior issues with children under age 5...she will be 9. And yes, you are correct she is the bride and can do as she chooses, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree or go along with it. As it stands right now, I am declining to be in the bridal party & may or may not attend the wedding. (My Mom is the maid of honor & supposedly I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid).

I completely agree with you. I am from LI too and it has always been the unwritten rule that nieces and nephews are completely different from cousins and friends. If my sibling didn't invite their own nieces and nephews I too would be hurt. Of course I would also tell them why and no- I would not attend their wedding if they didn't want their nieces and nephews there. I have gone to many weddings without my kids and that is fine but not inviting them to my own sibling's wedding would imo be an insult.

 

[momofrrr]

It would be one thing to not bring your kids to a co-worker or aquaintence's wedding but to a family wedding? I think it is terribly thoughtless and cold. I would not make a big deal out of it but I would not attend, sister or not. If you don't want a family wedding go away somewhere at get married alone.

 

[bellarella]

For the life of me I've never understood why guests at a wedding think that they have a say in any aspect of the party planning.

Weddings are different and are defined by the bride and groom. There is no cookie-cutter wedding. The wedding itself is a solemn event, and depending on the faith (or lack of faith) of the couple taking part in the ceremony, it may or may not be open to everyone. The reception is a party. Not all parties are events for kids, family or not. I have *never* been offended by whether or not my children have been invited to someone else's event. Whether they have been invited may, for practical reasons, inform whether or not I'm able to attend, but the choice is without malice or judgment on my part. I don't dictate food choices, invitation lists, time tables, etc. I'm invited to an event on the host's terms and make my decisions on the basis of what works for me. I don't assume that any decisions are about me, and I hope that my attendance or regrets aren't ever taken personally.

 

[MinnieGi]

I am also the oldest and would be deeply troubled if my younger sister (who by the way is getting married in Oct) told my kids they would not be able to attend!!! Nieces and nephews ARE different than cousins for wedding guests!! I'm really taken aback by your sister inviting your DD to the ceremony, but not the reception!!! And going through your mom is really cold and immature.

My own younger sister is marrying a man who is also the youngest in his family so there are three neices and two nephews that will be present at the wedding, however besides them no other cousins children will be in attendance. I think this is perfectly fine and have been to many wedding where this is the case. The nieces and nephews usually see the ones getting married and hear about the wedding at family occasions and are excited about hearing it, how ungracious they will not be included.

Just wondering is your sister not having any flower girls, ring bearer or jr. bridesmaids?

For my sisters wedding I am her matron of honor, my DD is a jr. bridesmaid (also 9) and my DS (5) will be the ring bearer. They are so excited for their "Auntie's" wedding. I would have been extremely hurt if they were not included in her big day. I sooooo feel for you and your DD who does KNOW what she will be missing out on since she was just a jr. bridesmaid in your brothers wedding! Poor girl.

I like what others have suggested in asking your sister what activities she will have planned for your DD if she wants her to "work" at her ceremony giving out the booklets etc. but then will not be able to attend the reception. Obviously the rest of your family will be at the reception so no one will be able to watch her and I think its a little too much to expect a babysitter to come to the ceremony site and pick her up!!! Will she be paying for the sitter? Gosh I'm getting more upset for you the more I write, how utterly self-centered of her to not be able to share her day with her ONLY niece and Goddaughter!

I hope this all resolves out somehow on a good note.

 

[Halbleib1]

Also forgot to add this info...she is more than welcome to attend the church/mass (where she is free $$ to attend)...in fact my sister told my mom she wants dd to hand out the booklets or bubbles. So it isn't an issue of behavior, disruptions etc. She is more than welcome to attend the hour long serious, quiet Roman Catholic mass, just not the party that follows.

As an interesting side note: every person who I have discussed the wedding with first asks what role in the bridal party dd has, then when I tell them none, that she is not being invited they are all SHOCKED! It is interesting to see others points of view on it.

When we got married 7 years ago we also had a no children wedding. This was for the church as well as the reception. However my niece and nephew that were in the bridal party were invited to the reception. They were the only kids there. We chose to do this not because of cost but because of family members that do not watch their kids properly. We did not want to be babysitters on our wedding day.

My husbands side were the only ones that seemed to have a problem with it. We heard many complaints leading up to our wedding that we could not keep anyone out of the church as it is a public place yada yada yada. In the end everything turned out fine and everyone respected our wishes. We were paying the bill ourselves so our family really did not get a say in what we did.

That being said if you are going to invite kids to the church than IMO they should be allowed at the reception as well.

 

[daisyduck123]

For the life of me I've never understood why guests at a wedding think that they have a say in any aspect of the party planning.

My thoughts exactly.