WWYD? quitting a team sport

[luvmy3]

I am not starting this thread to get into a debate about commitment to a team. I am really confused right now and I just want to hear what others would do in this situation.

I will start off by saying that throughout the softball season I have had to remind my dd that she is on a team that she signed up for willingly, and she commited to and she has to finish out the season. She is an inexperienced player, but has come a very long way since try-outs, she knew going in that she would be in the outfield and that she would be on the bench, and she was okay with that. However throughout the season, the coach has shown favortism to her own child and I have been telling my dd thats just how it is sometimes, some coaches are only there to further their own . I told her to just go out there and enjoy what she's doing and try not to worry about it. We both understand the way it works and up until last night I didn't have any issue. We are not the only family who has issues, complaints have been made by 2 other parents (I have not made a formal complaint, I don't even know what happens when you do, just putting that out there because I'm in no way thinking my little snowflake is being singled out and treated unfairly ).

So at practice the other night the coach told me and my dd that she was going to try her out pitching at the game that was last night. Her own dd whined but I want to pitch and the coach said "not this game". This was all said right there in front of me and dd. She has been practicing and needs to build her strength but has good potential (coach's words). We knew this was just for a little practice and would only be 1 inning, however when the time came to try out a new pitcher, the coach's dd was put it (never pitched before, either) and dd was benched for the rest of the game (This was the 3rd inning). So after 2 more innings, my dd said her back hurt and I told her to suck it up and finish the game, and then the coach came over to us and asked whats going on and I told her and she said to my dd "you can't leave me, I need you, please don't leave" and then says to me "don't let her I leave I need her" and I said I wasn't planning on it anyway. So the next inning goes, and dd is still on the bench, and then the next one, and the next one............ So my problem is not that dd didn't get to pitch, or that she didn't go into the game again, my problem is that the coach said these things to dd, and didn't do what she said she was going to do, and didn't even bother to explain to her why, and once again put her own dd out there over someone else.

So my dd is fighting back the tears on the way home and does not want to finish the next 3 games. I am so on the fence, I dont want her to think that when things don't go her way, and when things aren't fair she can just walk away, but I am really angry that this coach just has no issue with breaking promises to other girls at whim to promote her own dd. The game that my dd liked to play has become a miserable experience for her and I'm not sure if I should force her to finish it out. (I have always said I wouldn't force her to do anything she didn't want, but I meant signing up for something). If this was your dd, would you force her to stick it out?

Forgot to mention, this is little league softball ages 9-12, so some of these girls are still learning the game

 

[krcit]

How old is she? That makes a difference to me b/c if she is young(under 10) then to me the game is all about learning the game and trying out different positions. After that age though, it gets a bit more competitive. My older dd is 15, she plays for the high school(JV) and for the town league. I had a mom complain to me that the coach always puts my dd at 3rd and his own dd at first and never lets her dd play those positions. Well, in all fairness, her dd can't catch a ball so why should she be at 1st base? At this age, they have set positions and that's that. My dd happily plays center or left for the school team and has made some great plays but on the town team, he puts her on 3rd b/c on that team she is one of the better players. Anyway, a whole long convuluted answer to say I think I would make your dd finish out the season and maybe nicely 'remind' the coach that she wants to try pitching.

 

[traviesojmt]

I would require my kids to finish the season. We just went through a similar experience in basketball. During basketball season, my DD was 6 and in 1st grade. My kids have always played soccer so it wasn't until they had their initial meeting that we realized she had probably never even picked up a basketball. LOL Well, our coach turned out to be really competitive. This is YMCA league for goodness sake. They don't even keep score. (Well, our coach sure did, though). Anyway, there were about 3 players who had never really played before. From practice number 1, there was never any teaching the basics. He kind of just pushed the inexperienced players aside and was teaching screens and plays to the others. My DD didn't even know what he was talking about half the time. She definitely was not having any fun and wanted to quit. We wouldn't let her. I told her that she would not be required to sign up to play again, but she did sign up to play this season and she will finish. We talked about the fact that it did not turn out to be fun for her but that she learned that loves soccer and doesn't like basketball. I really hated it for her. If she had a coach who wanted to teach basketball, she might have had a different experience. Live and learn. I think that it is important to teach our kids that when you make a commitment, you finish even when it is hard. We can't teach them to only be responsible when it is easy.

 

[luvmy3]

How old is she? That makes a difference to me b/c if she is young(under 10) then to me the game is all about learning the game and trying out different positions. After that age though, it gets a bit more competitive. My older dd is 15, she plays for the high school(JV) and for the town league. I had a mom complain to me that the coach always puts my dd at 3rd and his own dd at first and never lets her dd play those positions. Well, in all fairness, her dd can't catch a ball so why should she be at 1st base? At this age, they have set positions and that's that. My dd happily plays center or left for the school team and has made some great plays but on the town team, he puts her on 3rd b/c on that team she is one of the better players. Anyway, a whole long convuluted answer to say I think I would make your dd finish out the season and maybe nicely 'remind' the coach that she wants to try pitching.

She is 12 (playing as an 11 year old so she will have another year in this level), and while this level is competitive its still considered a learning level, trying out the different positions. There are girls on her team that are stellar players, and play certain positions very well, but those are the girls who will age out next season leaving the rest of the girls. I don't have a problem with those girls however the coach's is not one of them, she is 9 and isn't close to being a great player yet, and while she is being allowed to play different positions, none of the other younger/inexperienced girls are (and there are 2 that are better players).

ETA my dd is fine with playing the outfield, we went in expecting that. The problem comes when the coach tells her she is going to be doing a different position and then turns around and puts her own dd there instead.

 

[krcit]

Ok, 12, that's the age my younger dd plays at. I think I would very nicely remind him that he told your dd that she could pitch and that she is very eager to try. I usually stay out of stuff like that with the kids but in this case I would speak up. Unfortunately, the coaches kids sometimes get preferential treatment. This year, my dd's manager and his dd missed the majority of games, I mean like out of about 15, they game to 5 and she was selected for the All-Star game. Doesn't seem right to me but what are you gonna do She is a good player but her committment level is the pits.

 

[luvmy3]

Ok, 12, that's the age my younger dd plays at. I think I would very nicely remind him that he told your dd that she could pitch and that she is very eager to try. I usually stay out of stuff like that with the kids but in this case I would speak up. Unfortunately, the coaches kids sometimes get preferential treatment. This year, my dd's manager and his dd missed the majority of games, I mean like out of about 15, they game to 5 and she was selected for the All-Star game. Doesn't seem right to me but what are you gonna do She is a good player but her committment level is the pits.

We have a game tonight, dd of course doesn't want to go but if we do I will mention it. I know she won't get a chance tonight, we are playing the 1st place team. The truth is at this point it doesn't matter because she doesn't even want to play next year, even though she has come such a long way and could transfer teams

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have her finish the season even though the situation sucks. It will give her an opportunity to learn how to handle this situation esp. if your dd is going to continue to play sports.

Teach her to talk respectfully to the coach and ask her why she is yanking her chain (better phrasing of course ).

Also, it will set a precendence for sports that if you want to play you need to finish it up.

Sounds frustrating.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

It is my opinion, that, in general, a parent who has a child on a team shouldn't be allowed to coach that team.

 

[luvmy3]

I would have her finish the season even though the situation sucks. It will give her an opportunity to learn how to handle this situation esp. if your dd is going to continue to play sports.

Teach her to talk respectfully to the coach and ask her why she is yanking her chain (better phrasing of course ).

Also, it will set a precendence for sports that if you want to play you need to finish it up.

Sounds frustrating.

This is good advice, she starts Jr High next year and wants to try out for a couple teams. She is at an age where mom shouldn't have to fight (all) her battles for her and something like this will probably come up again in the future. I'll be sure to tell her not to use the sarcasm and problem with authority genes she inherited when she speaks

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I would have her finish the season.

 

[luvmy3]

It is my opinion, that, in general, a parent who has a child on a team shouldn't be allowed to coach that team.

I know a few of the other coaches with dd's on their team and from what I have seeen they are very fair to all the players. Its not all parent coaches, but there are some out there who don't seem to realize there are other girls on that team other than their own.

 

[mjkacmom]

Ds12 had a new coach in little league this season. For the first half of it, he only played 3 innings (out of 6), and either catcher (his official position), or left field. The coach's ds played 6 innings each game (as opposed to the 3 he played the previous year with the other coach). However, my ds just stuck with it, and showed the coach what he's capable of. Now the team is in the playoffs (today's game will determine if they finish first or second), and for the past month, he's been playing all 6 innings, 1/2 at catcher, 1/2 at first base, and he gets on base almost every time he's at bat.

The only time DH said something was when they had a game that went into 3 extra innings, and my ds only played the first 3.

What really stinks about LL is that after a couple of years, you move up, and get a new coach, and have to prove yourself all over again.

 

[mjkacmom]

It is my opinion, that, in general, a parent who has a child on a team shouldn't be allowed to coach that team.

Our family is very involved in all sports, and I have never come across a coach who doesn't have a child on the team. Coaching is very time consuming, and does take away from the rest of the family. I can't imagine a parent spending all of that time coaching without a child on the time. Granted, DH has held practices, and ds has missed them, for another committment.

 

[ForAandA]

This is good advice, she starts Jr High next year and wants to try out for a couple teams. She is at an age where mom shouldn't have to fight (all) her battles for her and something like this will probably come up again in the future. I'll be sure to tell her not to use the sarcasm and problem with authority genes she inherited when she speaks

You said it yourself. She is at the age where she has to begin fighting her own battles. Teaching her to do so in a respecful manner is your job. Speaking up, and letting people know how she feels is her job.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

It is my opinion, that, in general, a parent who has a child on a team shouldn't be allowed to coach that team.

But that's how you build a championship team! You get the parents of the 3 best players, 1 becomes the head coach, 2 are the assistants, and all 3 kids play for the team. Win and repeat, season after season.

 

[sharlon]

We had a similiar situation with basketball when my DD was 11. We even made formal complaints to the league, who admitted that there was a problem. (Coach was intentionally not following league rules in relation to minimum time played) Even after admitting the problem existed, the league still did nothing to remedy it except ban the guy from coaching after that year. Once that happened, we allowed her to quit for the remainder of the season. It wasn't worth our family time for her not to be allowed to play because the coach's daughter and her two best friends wanted to play more. DD returned to the league the following year.

 

[golfgal]

It is my opinion, that, in general, a parent who has a child on a team shouldn't be allowed to coach that team.

I agree but the problem is then getting coaches and unless your league pays coaches, good luck finding volunteers.

I would make her finish out the season. She committed to playing on the team, she should finish. If she wants to try out for a team next year and is borderline making the team and they hear she quit with 3 games to go this year, she will be cut.

 

[dawson5]

Have you read your rules? Is this a large team, 12 or more players?

Granted I deal with baseball, but our league has the rules online and they gave everyone a copy of the rules at sign-up. One of the rules is how many innings a kid can sit. Another is the number of innings per position. I think the max innings they can sit a player is two for us, four innings per position--except catching. There are also limitations to pitching, four innings a game, can't pitch back to back games (ie Tues & Wed), can pitch two innings in two back to back games.

Personally I would ask my child to finish the season. At least then she can say she made every effort. I think I would speak to the coach about the sitting part, that is a lot and takes away the enjoyment and learning of the game. I don't think I would say anything about pitching, that is a coach's decision. In the mean time, if your daughter is serious about pitching, can you help her in the backyard? If she decides to do this again next year, I would suggest helping. Your daughter isn't the first or last this has happened to. If you help, you might be able to prevent this from happening to her again and to other children--provided other coaches are like-minded.

I also wanted to add that we have friends who moved to MN from IN. Their son tried out for a travel team. The coach for this team does not have a child on the team. It is one of the rules. The coach is also paid.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree but the problem is then getting coaches and unless your league pays coaches, good luck finding volunteers.

I would make her finish out the season. She committed to playing on the team, she should finish. If she wants to try out for a team next year and is borderline making the team and they hear she quit with 3 games to go this year, she will be cut.

She doesn't even want to now (not using that as justification). I'm so sad too because softball is a game that I love and was so excited that she wanted to do it, and now wants nothing to do with it even though she likes the game

 

[luvmy3]

Have you read your rules? Is this a large team, 12 or more players?

Granted I deal with baseball, but our league has the rules online and they gave everyone a copy of the rules at sign-up. One of the rules is how many innings a kid can sit. Another is the number of innings per position. I think the max innings they can sit a player is two for us, four innings per position--except catching. There are also limitations to pitching, four innings a game, can't pitch back to back games (ie Tues & Wed), can pitch two innings in two back to back games.

Personally I would ask my child to finish the season. At least then she can say she made every effort. I think I would speak to the coach about the sitting part, that is a lot and takes away the enjoyment and learning of the game. I don't think I would say anything about pitching, that is a coach's decision. In the mean time, if your daughter is serious about pitching, can you help her in the backyard? If she decides to do this again next year, I would suggest helping. Your daughter isn't the first or last this has happened to. If you help, you might be able to prevent this from happening to her again and to other children--provided other coaches are like-minded.

I also wanted to add that we have friends who moved to MN from IN. Their son tried out for a travel team. The coach for this team does not have a child on the team. It is one of the rules. The coach is also paid.

I know there are rules about the minimum time a player can play and that is 2full innings, which dd usually plays each game, except when the coach doesn't want to forfeit. In the last 17 games, her dd has sat on the bench 2 innings
I don't know about any rules regarding amount of time in one position, but I don't think at this point it would matter much for dd, she isn't planning on returning.