WWYD... living with aging family?

[SandrA9810]

Not going into details here. But if you were young and single, would you move in with family to help take care of an aging family member?

see post 14 for a little more info.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Yes, but that's how we handle aging in my family.

There are so many factors to take into consideration. It's hard to express any thoughts about your situation with no info. to go on.

 

[bumbershoot]

My husband did, before we met. His mom had had two heart attacks, and the eldest son (who would traditionally have been the go-to guy in their Korean household) was still persona non grata to MIL (BIL was disowned for 5 years after an ex outed him publicly, and the heart attacks happened in the end of those years). So it fell to DH. He was glad to do it, even though his mother wasn't very nice or grateful at all. He was actually on the last days of living with her when we met, and he was so glad to get out of her house so he could date normally, LOL.

However, that was due to a specific condition, not just b/c of age. I'm not sure he would have done it if it was a situation that wouldn't end when the doc said "she's all better".

My aunt cared for my grandmother, for several years, all on her own. It was so so so so hard. She was finally convinced to take grandma to respite care for a few hours a day so she could get out and shop and not worry about where grandma would wind up (she had Alzheimers, and instead of Port Orange FL, she felt she was back in Orange NJ where she grew up, and would follow the map in her mind) if she left the house.

If you're going to do it, know it will be one of the hardest things you've ever done, and it behooves you to find out all of the things that are out there to help you out, help you not go absolutely off the deep end, etc.

It also helps a great deal if you like and love the relative, and if you know they will be kind to you (unless of course it's an Alzheimers or other mental thing, where they don't really have control) as you help them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

"Help" as in there are others to take care of the person? Depends on the condition of the person. I can't really say.

I have taken care of grandparents in my parents home, when we were taking care of my sick child. I had to move back home because my dd needed open heart surgery and we were just out of college. And it was 1991 in a recession. So all of my family moved back home to my parents house. My grandpa was dying of cancer.

Let me tell you, looking back at that time almost 19yrs ago, relationships got strained. It was a very rough time for everyone all around. Moving back in with "family" to "help" is very different than moving in an aging family member into your own home to care for them.

Bottom line, I would answer "yes" if you are moving in with people that are not psycho. If there is an abusive aspect to your moving back then, "no".

 

[Acklander]

I wouldn't move back home, but I'd move the aging person in my house and those of us who live here now would help take care of the aging relative.

 

[golfgal]

Sorry, I can't answer without details-way too many variables to just say yes or no.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If there is love and I had the ability, absolutely. What is more important than family? If we are not willing to sacrifice for one another, what are we worth?

 

[Topper]

Sandra, at this point, I don't think you have a lot of options, so my answer is yes.

 

[wdwfan16]

Knowing your money problems and potential to be homeless when the lease runs out I would do it in a minute.

 

[december]

There are so many variables here, that it would be hard to say for sure. I do know some of your history from these boards, so in your situation I would think yes would be my answer. Your relative would get the care he/she needs, and you would also benefit from the arrangement and have time to get on your feet.

 

[happygirl]

This is really hard to answer with out any background info

 

[Hillbeans]

Hard to say if I were single....as a married couple with kids of our own we had both my dad and MIL with us at one time. Dad didn't need care, just a place to live in-between selling his house and getting married and moving. MIL moved in with us and had terminal cancer, so there was a lot of care needed.

In a way it's almost as if you put part of your life on hold when taking care of aging parents. I think at some point, say after 2-3 years of doing it, you may want to move or take a new career and then you can't because of your responsibilities at home.

It's a noble thing to do, but something you should evaluate every 6 months/1 year just to make sure it's working out for everyone and no one is resentful.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Not going into details here. But if you were young and single, would you move in with family to help take care of an aging family member?

I would have the person move in with me.

If there is love and I had the ability, absolutely. What is more important than family? If we are not willing to sacrifice for one another, what are we worth?

Knowing your money problems and potential to be homeless when the lease runs out I would do it in a minute.

There are so many variables here, that it would be hard to say for sure. I do know some of your history from these boards, so in your situation I would think yes would be my answer. Your relative would get the care he/she needs, and you would also benefit from the arrangement and have time to get on your feet.

After reading these posts, I'm changing my answer.

Maybe it would be best for someone else in the family to help the aging person. If the OP is having trouble taking care of herself, (I don't know the details, just going on what is posted here) I don't see how she can take care of someone else.

 

[SandrA9810]

A little background:

It would to be take care of my g'mother, who's 83 and with dementia. She's good at remember long term stuff, but a one min conversation can repeat itself for ten minutes.

My aunt has had her in Texas now for about 7yrs. And she can't keep up with the bills without working. It's only part time at about 25hrs a week. But she's had the fire department break into the window because my g'mother had a TMI (mini stroke/seizure) and the inside bolt was locked and she couldn't get in.

So my aunt wants to move back to florida for more family help from me and my sis. If she moves here to Orlando, I would move in with them. We would work our schedules around each other, so one would be at home with her at all times. And housing expenses still shared, so there's no major financial support.

If my aunt brought in an aid to help out (which costs like twice as much as she makes per hour), or sent her to some senior center for a few hrs... my g'mother would throw a hissy claiming my aunt is trying to send her to a nursing home. Which we all know the case is my aunt is just trying to keep her mind and a bit of sanity. And as well, my sister is 2hrs away and can easily come for a visit with the kids and such.

I was there for a month last year. My first night there was spent at the ER because she had a TMI. It was definatly mentally challenging for me, cause I was at home with her every day. But it definatly gave my aunt that much needed break.

There's no ill will against them, or any family issues. The biggest part is I'm just as stubborn as my aunt, so we can butt heads occasionally. Now when it comes to my mom... no way would I be considering this, and this is why she lives with my sister.

 

[Magic Mom]

If you think you can do this and really be a help and not and added burden, then it might be good. But think it through clearly ahead of time. You will have to keep a job to help pay your share, and it will be draining working with Grandma and then having to go to your paying job. Are you ready for that responsibilty? People will be counting on you so you can't flake out. As far as butting heads with your Aunt, you may have to lose a few fights now and then to keep the peace. Can you live with that?

This isn't just about what's right for you, it's also about what's right for them. Don't do it just because of your current situation. That's not fair to them. Make a careful, thought out decsion.

 

[disneyjunkie]

A little background:

It would to be take care of my g'mother, who's 83 and with dementia. She's good at remember long term stuff, but a one min conversation can repeat itself for ten minutes.

My aunt has had her in Texas now for about 7yrs. And she can't keep up with the bills without working. It's only part time at about 25hrs a week. But she's had the fire department break into the window because my g'mother had a TMI (mini stroke/seizure) and the inside bolt was locked and she couldn't get in.

So my aunt wants to move back to florida for more family help from me and my sis. If she moves here to Orlando, I would move in with them. We would work our schedules around each other, so one would be at home with her at all times. And housing expenses still shared, so there's no major financial support.

If my aunt brought in an aid to help out (which costs like twice as much as she makes per hour), or sent her to some senior center for a few hrs... my g'mother would throw a hissy claiming my aunt is trying to send her to a nursing home. Which we all know the case is my aunt is just trying to keep her mind and a bit of sanity. And as well, my sister is 2hrs away and can easily come for a visit with the kids and such.

I was there for a month last year. My first night there was spent at the ER because she had a TMI. It was definatly mentally challenging for me, cause I was at home with her every day. But it definatly gave my aunt that much needed break.

There's no ill will against them, or any family issues. The biggest part is I'm just as stubborn as my aunt, so we can butt heads occasionally. Now when it comes to my mom... no way would I be considering this, and this is why she lives with my sister.

So your aunt has a job in place in Orlando?

The three of you will have to rework your work schedules ensure that someone is always with your grandmother. This may not work for your aunt since she will be a new employee. Will you and your sister be able to adjust your work schedules?

 

[golfgal]

Eventually your Grandma will probably have to go into some kind of skilled nursing facility. Have you give that any thought? What will happen to the living arrangements when you no longer need to care for Grandma? Are you renting a place or buying one? Who will actually own the place?

 

[SandrA9810]

My aunt wants to purchase a home. So when all is said and done, then I'll move out and go about my life. Whether it means renting another apartment, or purchasing my first house. And who knows... maybe 10-15yrs down the line I'd be the one to take care of my aunt.

Truthfully, the easy answer is just to find my own place to live. I realize this is going to be a great strain, and it's showing in my aunt. I kinda feel that moral obligation to help her out. Since I did grow up living with my aunt and my grandparents.

My sister is just a SAHM, so she would just come visit on the weekends with her kids and such.

My aunt will be transfering with her job. And she's definatly coming to Florida. But the question is here in Orlando with me, or further south near my sister. But if she moved there, she wouldn't have the "live in" help. Just my sis and mom coming over for visits during the day.

 

[minkydog]

I would love to be noble and say of course I would move in and help my grandmother with dementia, but honestly? I would not. Not as a younger person and not as an older person. Taking care of an cognitively challenged person is a full-time job.

I should know. My 14yo son is mentally handicapped. He is not independent in his functioning like your grandma, but then again, your grandma will eventually not be fully functioning either. Her situation is not going to get any better, only more demanding for you all. I love my son dearly, but he needs 24/7 supervision. He has to be fed, bathed, played with, cared for, diapered. If your grandma lives long enough, this will be your life, too. I cannot leave the house unless my son is attended. I cannot take him to concerts, church, weddings or funerals because he doesn't understand and gets disruptive. I love him, but living with a dependent person has completely taken over my life and the lives of my children. Sometimes I throw myself a pity party for one, because my friends don't understand. Our life is soooo different from theirs. Most of them have not been able to hang in there with us for the long haul.

I commend you for considering this. If you do move it I would strongly encourage you to get some caregiver assistance. We just this year were able to get a CNA who comes in to help with Christian. Most of the time we don't even leave the house. But it is so helpful to me to have that 3 hours "off" to do something else, even watch TV or check email. My blessings upon you whatever you decide.

 

[golfgal]

I would love to be noble and say of course I would move in and help my grandmother with dementia, but honestly? I would not. Not as a younger person and not as an older person. Taking care of an cognitively challenged person is a full-time job.

I should know. My 14yo son is mentally handicapped. He is not independent in his functioning like your grandma, but then again, your grandma will eventually not be fully functioning either. Her situation is not going to get any better, only more demanding for you all. I love my son dearly, but he needs 24/7 supervision. He has to be fed, bathed, played with, cared for, diapered. If your grandma lives long enough, this will be your life, too. I cannot leave the house unless my son is attended. I cannot take him to concerts, church, weddings or funerals because he doesn't understand and gets disruptive. I love him, but living with a dependent person has completely taken over my life and the lives of my children. Sometimes I throw myself a pity party for one, because my friends don't understand. Our life is soooo different from theirs. Most of them have not been able to hang in there with us for the long haul.

I commend you for considering this. If you do move it I would strongly encourage you to get some caregiver assistance. We just this year were able to get a CNA who comes in to help with Christian. Most of the time we don't even leave the house. But it is so helpful to me to have that 3 hours "off" to do something else, even watch TV or check email. My blessings upon you whatever you decide.

This is probably the best example someone could give.

OP, I know Grandma doesn't want to move into a "nursing home" but what about trying it on a temporary basis (even though you plan to keep her there permanently). How about telling Grandma that while the move is happening, she needs to stay at the care facility until you get unpacked and moved in, etc. If you can stretch it out for a 2 month stay, chances are she will realize that it is a better place for her--mainly for the social interaction. Most women are more resistant to moving to a nursing home but then once they are there are happier there.

I think with various work schedules and personalities involved in the process it will become enormously complicated once you begin.