wwyd-friend situation

[monkey68]

So the other day, one of my friends told me something really shocking, that really made me look at him differently. And it's really bothering me. Basically, he came out and told me he was a racist. He started using some language that I really don't like, and if I repeated it, would probably get me kicked off the boards. I told him how I feel about that language, and that I don't want to hear it, but he basically said who cares.

So what do I do now? It really really bothers me, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. He was really there for me when I needed him, and he's helped me so much with other things, with some personal issues I was going through some time ago. I really feel like I owe him a lot, you know? But the whole conversation really bothered me. He wasn't saying it to be funny, he had hate in his voice. I never thought I could be friends with somebody like that, I'm Jewish and Jews are not exactly the most loved people either, there's tons of stories of people trying to blow up synagogues in recent years. Besides the fact that it's completely wrong, I almost feel like it's it's only a small step to go from racial prejudice to religious prejudice.

A couple years ago, he did have a portion of his brain removed to stop his seizures, so I'm not sure if maybe that's affecting what he's saying, because he never said anything like this before, never even gave any inkling before. I really have no clue where it came from. He even told me one of the reasons he decided not to go to the med school I go to is because it was too diverse (only he used much more colorful language).

So what would you do in my situation? I used to think these things were kind of black and white, but I'm starting to see there are shades of gray as well. If he wasn't such a good friend to me, I'm not sure I would even be posting this, but because he is, I'm really not sure what to do. Do I just ignore it, do I tell him I don't want to talk to him if he's going to speak like the way he was? I know I can't change his viewpoints, when someone feels the way they do, it's useless to try to change their opinion. I don't think he would make his views very widely known, but if he tells anyone else, I don't exactly want people thinking I think the same way he does because I'm friends with him. So anyone have any words of wisdom or advice to share?

I'm really sorry if I made anyone angry with my post, it's not my intention. I just really don't know what to do. This is the first time in the 7 years that I've known him that he's said anything like he did last night.

 

[kelleigh1]

I think only you can decide how to deal with it. Which is more important? Does his friendship outweight his bigotry? Or do you feel that you can't be friends with anyone with that much hatred?

I do think that you need to tell him how his comments made you feel. You may not change him, but I think you at least need to talk about it especially if you feel that the friendship is more important.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, it has been my experience, as a nurse, that if someone has a portion of their brain removed, some personality changes do occur...sometimes very minor, but there nonetheless. While that may be an explanation for his behavior, it is not an excuse. However, you did say the surgery was a couple of years ago and this behavior is new...so in the two years between the surgery and the day he said all these things, he's never been like that???? If that's the case, I would almost wonder if there's not something organic going on in his brain....tumor, bleed...something that would make him "suddenly" start to speak and behave in this manner?

If that's not the case, then you need to decide how much you want to have to do witht his person, if his behavior bothers you that much. You are correct in that there are shades of gray in everything in life, so you need to decide for yourself what is and is not acceptable to you. Perhaps if you cut off conversationw ith him when he starts that line of talk, saying something like "I don't agree with you and I am not listening to this hateful talk, so I'll talk to you again soon", he might get the idea that his behavior is wrong and examine himself more or, at the very least, not speak like that in your presence.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I have a diverse group of friends. I could not be friends with someone like that. Not to mention that sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person who could be prone to violence.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's tough. I have a few friends that I believe are racists, but they would never talk that way in front of me. I, personally, feel sorry for them, because it's something that's learned, usually from parents. I am grateful I wasn't taught to hate a group of people, just because of race. I live in a very caucasian town (maybe 3% black, 83% white), and although people here are becoming more accepting of others, some of the old-timers (italian/irish) still have some issues.

 

[Darsa]

I think that the thing that would bother me the most is that he doesn't care that his words offended and bothered you. I mean, how good a friend could he be if he doesn't care about your feelings?

 

[Cool-Beans]

Being a racist doesn't make someone an alltogether horrible person. I've had patients who didn't want me caring for them because I'm white. They weren't horrible people, they just didn't like white people. They were even pleasant to me, just didn't want me that close. They were sick and wanted to be as comfortable as possible and that's what made them comfortable. I doubt there were out there in their regular life hurting anyone - it's just their own thing.

My grandpa hated everyone. EVERYONE. Blacks, gays, women (to an extent), republicans...the list went on and on. But he was a decent grandpa to me.

I had a boyfriend who started spewing his racist crap on the way to drop me off once and I never talked to him again. I always wonder if he put those two things together, lol.

Sometimes you have to look past the racism and love the person anyway, sometimes you don't. And only you can make the call about when you will and won't do that.

 

[ericamanda01]

What you need to remember is that people change. He may have been a great friend in the past but something could have happened to him that caused him to look at a race other than his in a negative way, which is sad. You have to ask yourself if his views on other races is something you can live with and tolerate. Personally I can not tolerate any kind of hate, I don't understand it and won't have it in my life. I wish you luck with your decision, it won't be an easy one.

 

[sbell111]

Basically, I think that it's totally appropriate to tell your loved ones when they are out of line. If he fails to take your feelings into consideration and curb his speech, he's not really your friend, is he?

My in laws lean towards the bigotted end of the spectrum. If they say something inappropriate, my wife gives them a little verbal smack down. If they ever say anything inappropriate around our child, there will be serious consequences.

 

[SundancePass]

I wish you well with the decision that only you can make. As others have pointed out here, behavior is not static and can/does change over time. The person you knew 5 years ago may not be the person you know now and whom you want very much to keep as your friend.

I am old enough to remember seperate restrooms, drinking fountains, etc. in the South. I didn't understand it as a 10 year old and abhor it now. Racism has no place in my life and in my friends. That is the decision I made a long time ago. I wish you peace in making your decision.

 

[Ephany]

My baby brother is adopted; both DH and I have had people start conversations where they assume we must think like they do. Usually all that's needed is a comment along the lines of 'My family is very diverse and my baby brother is bi-racial. Those comments are offensive, and we would appreciate it if you stopped'. Most of the time that shuts them up, especially if we're in a work environment where that type of talk is not permitted anyway.

Only you can decide how much you can tolerate based on your existing friendship. Personally it's a deal breaker for me; think what you like but don't talk (or act) like that around me or my family. If he knows your viewpoints and knows that talking like that makes you uncomfortable, he's not being a very good friend.

 

[ols386]

If/when your friend says things that you find offensive, then I'd just tell him that you find what he's saying to be offensive, and if he continues to speak this way, that you don't want to be around him. At least, that's what I'd do.

 

[JanaNs]

I always believed that you become (and remain) friends with someone because you share similar morals, likes/dislikes, interests etc. It sounds like you now have very different beliefs from this friend. I personally would not be able to overlook this. I could not be friends with someone who was racist - I just don't think his good qualities could out weigh something so horrible, and I don't think I could look past it. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[diznygirl]

I would speak up if he says something to let him know that I don't agree with his feelings. And sorry, but I would also distance myself from him. I would not want anyone to think that I condone his opinions - guilt by association.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

OP,

I know this is hard for you, I can tell by your post and you do seem to care about your friend and seem worried. I will offer my advise to you and wish you the best in this situation.

My very best friend who IS an amazing person isn't racist (perse) she is VERY prejudiced. During the election and even when we hang out or at the movies and something bothers her she says things that make me cringe. Not really out loud but so that I can hear it. After we saw Valkeriye we had a discussion about Hilter and that time period. I was quite surprised about things she said. I never knew she felt that way. I am not Jewish but had family members that were in concentration camps, so she knows that is s sensitive subject with me.

The next day we were going to dinner and I felt the need to bring that up and a few other things. We have differing opinions but I love her dearly and we just don't talk about things like that and she has completely CURBED how she speaks about certain people in my company at least.

It's hard when its someone so close to you. I wish you much luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Serena]

I am sorry. Being confused about a friend has got to be unsettling. I would talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel. I'd ask him how long he's felt that way. It could very well be a part of his medical past, or it could be something going on now. I would try to find out. If there is nothing going on, then I would ask him not to talk like that around you and why. If he cannot respect you, then you know your decision.

 

[Cindyluwho]

One of my mentors is extremely prejudiced against African Americans, or so he used to say. Come to find out though, after much prodding, it's certain personal characteristics he doesn't like, not someone of a certain skin color. One night, many years ago, after several cocktails he started talking about it I asked him if he would dislike a white person if they acted a certain way. He said, "of course". So I asked him if he would like an African American if they didn't act a certain way. Once again he agreed. He even has a close friend who is African American but just had never really sat down and thought out why he had problems with strangers who happen to be AA. It was just a stupid knee jerk reaction to something he percieved to be true. He was raised by bigots and never took the time to sit down and mull it all over.

It's kind of like saying all skate boarders are stoners. Some of them are. But so are some preppies! And some policemen are jerks and some lawyers are sharks.....you get the drift..

Some people are just ignorant and don't think things through when it comes to being prejudiced. I really think most people like that have never taken the time to look closely at why they feel a certain way about certain people.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It really really bothers me, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. He was really there for me when I needed him, and he's helped me so much with other things, with some personal issues I was going through some time ago. I really feel like I owe him a lot, you know?

I've had something similar happen.

It's harder as you mature to continue friendships with people who don't share values similar to your own. That's been my experience, anyway.

For me, it came to light when my best friend of many years did something that completely shook me to the core. Not someone I cared to be friends with after that, but I did grieve the relationship as we were close for many years and like your friend, she'd been there for me.

The thing I think, is that we don't necessarily have to help those that helped us. It's nice if we can, but sometimes we can't. But there's a solution. All we have to do is Pay It Forward. Help others. You are about to do that in your professional career, and you can do it in your personal life as well.

Don't let a sense of guilt keep you in any relationship that causes you to be uneasy.

 

[monkey68]

Last night, I did tell him I really didn't like hearing that kind of talk, and after he continued, I did get off the call. I just couldn't tolerate it.

I really do wonder if his surgery might have anything to do with it, granted it was 2 years ago, but it can take quite a while for the brain to form new connections, and maybe those connections got screwed up recently. But even if I told him not to talk like that around me, the fact that he could still be thinking it bothers me, like we're both being fake and pretending everything is just hunky dory. And in the back of my mind, I'll probably be wondering too, "OK, so he doesn't like this group or that group, how long until he starts blaming the Jewish people for the world's problems?" And then all that hate turns on me because of my religion. Sorry, I know we're not supposed to discuss religion, so I hope that didn't just go against the rules.....

And like another poster, I also have a fairly diverse group of friends. Apparently, my school is too diverse for him to consider attending. I seriously feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Never quite understood that saying before, but I absolutely get it now.