WWYD- DH hiding something from you

[richmond282]

I recently found out that my DH dips tobacco. I have suspected this for quite some time and have found "evidence" in the past that he tried to just explain away. ("It's my co-worker's skoal can", "That's not a bottle full of tobacco spit, it's really old coke.") Now, I personally think dipping tobacco is about the grossest, nastiest thing on the face of the planet. It also is harmful to your health. However, the real problem is that he has hidden this from for years. It makes me wonder what else he is hiding. I haven't said anything to him yet about it. He doesn't know that I know.

WWYD? Do I confront him? Do I continue to ignore it? I feel like I can't really talk to him honestly about anything because I know he's hiding this from me.

Just for the record, I'm not asking for opinions on chewing tobacco. I really don't care what you think about it.

 

[npmommie]

I would probably talk to him about it without becoming accusatory.
He knows its bad for him thats why he is hiding it he knows you will be upset.
its very very addictive.
some people have good luck using the nicorette gum to get off chewing
maybe suggest he try that.
IF he wants to stop.

try to be gentle so he doesn't get defensive.

but I would not worry about him hiding other things because of this. assuming you have a good relationship anyway.
he is hiding this because he knows you will give him heck about it

 

[lillygator]

if he's hiding that...what else is he hiding?

 

[richmond282]

Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better. I just felt really conflicted about it.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Is this something you would 'forbid' him to do if he had been forthcoming?

My sister hid her smoking from her husband for years, because he wanted her to quit and she just couldn't. So to avoid arguing, she just snuck her cigarettes.

I don't think it is any different than someone hiding the fact that they drink, or they they over eat. If one person does not want the other doing it, and that person has a hard time giving it up, then I could see why a person would hide it from the other.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I guess it depends on the man and the wife but if it were my DH I would confront him and tell him something like:

Look, I'm not dumb and I can tell you're chewing tobacco. I love you and would rather you don't do something unhealthy but you are a grown man & I'm your wife not your mother so if that's what you want then knock yourself out. Just do me a favor and don't try to hide it, the whole sneaking things is undignified and a turn off.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would just bring it up. The secret is out anyways. You have probably made it known over and over how you feel about "dipping" and to beat the lectures and disapproval he hid it.

However, how do you know he has been doing it for years? Also, you really didn't know because you've been finding these hints and you just ignored them but I'm sure in the back of your mind you did know but now it's in your face.

I would discuss WHY he felt the need to hid it and is it because he is embarssed of the habit or he knew your reactions would be ugly. (not saying you would be ugly about it)

I really think it is a big leap to other things he could be hiding because he didn't share the skoal secret.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

but I would not worry about him hiding other things because of this. assuming you have a good relationship anyway.
he is hiding this because he knows you will give him heck about it

This.

I wouldn't put hiding this on the same level as hiding a mistress or something illegal. I would simply tell him that I know about it and that he doesn't have to hide it anymore and that he's free to make his own choices. I personally don't see a need to have some huge discussion about it.

 

[NaLisa]

I don't think the fact that he's hiding his tobacco use from you indicates that he's hiding other, bigger things. He's got an addiction to a legal substance and he's embarrassed about it, realizing that you would disapprove.

I would let him know that you're aware and that you don't appreciate him being dishonest, that you wish he'd stop using tobacco and leave it at that. It's safe to say he already understands your objections but he's got to make up his own mind to quit. Giving him ultimatums or nagging him about it is only going to cause more problems in your marriage.

 

[Minnesota!]

I guess it depends on the man and the wife but if it were my DH I would confront him and tell him something like:

Look, I'm not dumb and I can tell you're chewing tobacco. I love you and would rather you don't do something unhealthy but you are a grown man & I'm your wife not your mother so if that's what you want then knock yourself out. Just do me a favor and don't try to hide it, the whole sneaking things is undignified and a turn off.

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess it depends on the man and the wife but if it were my DH I would confront him and tell him something like:

Look, I'm not dumb and I can tell you're chewing tobacco. I love you and would rather you don't do something unhealthy but you are a grown man & I'm your wife not your mother so if that's what you want then knock yourself out. Just do me a favor and don't try to hide it, the whole sneaking things is undignified and a turn off.

This.
And just because he's hiding that doesn't mean he's hiding anything else.
PS-make sure he has some pretty good life insurance because there's ahigh rate of mouth cancer with dipping. And I am making no commentary nor am I being sarcastic. God knows I have plenty of bad habits, so I'm not one to talk.

 

[Bastiansmom]

My husband smoked when we met. After a couple years, he switched to dip as a transition then quit doing that too. I was very proud of him because at the time both his mom and grandma smoked as did most of his friends. He had quit for about 6 months to a year.

Then he started working for a company surveying gas lines. For obvious reasons, smoking is not allowed while on the job. All of his co-workers/ friends that previously smoked switched to dipping while on the job. (I didn't know this at the time.)

One day, I caught him in the bathroom dipping. It was so surreal. Like he was hiding drugs or something. I was LIVID. I am not the kind of wife that nags, so in my mind he had no reason to hide it. I had encouraged him to quit smoking/ dipping but never mad a big deal about it. I felt like he was deliberately deceiving me for no reason. It was not a good feeling at all so I know what you are going thru.

I talked to him about it and found out he didn't tell me because he was embarassed about it. He knew I was so proud of him when he quit and didn't want me to be disappointed in him that he had started again. He said he didn't even intentionally start doing it. It was more like peer influence took it's toll. Everyone else did it so he started too. Eventually, he was addicted again.

It has been over 5 years and he still dips. I wish he didn't and so does he, but he hasn't taken steps to quit yet. We have had NO trust issues since then. He hasn't tried to hide anything from me and probably tells me too much these days! I think it was a good little "fight" for us to have because it proved to him that even if I don't like something he has done, I will always love him and he can tell me anything.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm with the majority. Just because he's dipping doesn't mean he's hiding other things. I wouldn't give it more power than it has. I completely understand why you are upset that he has been keeping it from you though. I know that it would bother me to find out that there was something about my own huband that other people knew, but I didn't.

 

[cabanafrau]

Don't care if you want an opinion on tobacco chewing or not, I ALWAYS stick my nose in on this topic.

IT KILLS. Period.

My father died of oral cancer from this.

Removal of jawbone.
Replacement of jawbone w/ metal.
Skin flap procedure.
Infections around metal jawbone that could not be healed.
Removal of metal jawbone.
Replacement of jawbone w/ rib bone.
Skin grafts.
Lung infection as a result of intubations for surgeries & drug-resistant infections in his body.
Leeches -- serious.
Complete organ failure.
Death.


I have an opinion about tobacco chewing & if I see anybody doing it, I don't care if they want to hear about it or not.

 

[Kellydelly]

Start leaving photos around of people suffering from oral cancer . It's no joke what chew can do to your health. The health ramifications would bother me more than the deceit.

 

[4nana]

I don't think the fact that he's hiding his tobacco use from you indicates that he's hiding other, bigger things. He's got an addiction to a legal substance and he's embarrassed about it, realizing that you would disapprove.

I would let him know that you're aware and that you don't appreciate him being dishonest, that you wish he'd stop using tobacco and leave it at that. It's safe to say he already understands your objections but he's got to make up his own mind to quit. Giving him ultimatums or nagging him about it is only going to cause more problems in your marriage.

I could've said it better ! Sorry you're going through this and hope you can help him work on his addiction. Good luck

 

[Planogirl]

You might have an opinion about this habit and certainly a very valid one but remember that he is an adult and the only one qualified to make decisions about what he does. I agree that it is quite a leap to assume that he's hiding other things because of this.

 

[okeydokey]

My Mom knew my Dad was sneaking cigarettes after he supposedly quit. She figured if she went along with his game, he would smoke less because he was sneaking. He died of a heart attack at 62. I would say something to him.

 

[Sadie22]

I personally would not kiss someone who chews tobacco.

 

[npmommie]

Don't care if you want an opinion on tobacco chewing or not, I ALWAYS stick my nose in on this topic.

IT KILLS. Period.

My father died of oral cancer from this.

Removal of jawbone.
Replacement of jawbone w/ metal.
Skin flap procedure.
Infections around metal jawbone that could not be healed.
Removal of metal jawbone.
Replacement of jawbone w/ rib bone.
Skin grafts.
Lung infection as a result of intubations for surgeries & drug-resistant infections in his body.
Leeches -- serious.
Complete organ failure.
Death.


I have an opinion about tobacco chewing & if I see anybody doing it, I don't care if they want to hear about it or not.

I am so sorry about your dad

but I just want to say I know you want to say things like this but it doesn't really help the person addicted.
they know. they do.
how many stories I can tell of when I worked oncology and found my lung cancer patients smoking thru their trach in the bathroom.

people know.
its just sad when they get addicted to this stuff and can't stop.
it is such a strong physical addiction.
scare tactics sometimes might work.
and I can tell you feel strongly about this and again I am so sorry