WWYD~Bullying

[need2cruise]

A bit of a spin off to the mean girls threads.

What would you do if your middle or high schooler was being bullied. What about with cyber bullying? Do you let them handle it on their own until it becomes a point where they no longer are able to, or do you intervene much sooner than that? Would you go to the school if there was physical threats, even if you were not sure they would actually follow through on these?

 

[Pigeon]

My 13 yo dd was being bullied, but not by "mean girls." She was being bullied by a boy who was "going out" with her a few months earlier (and by that I mean sat next to her on the bus and chatted with her), but "dumped" her in a very unkind way after a few weeks, when it became evident she wasn't going to put out for him.

He then wanted to "go out" again after other girls declined his advances, but she told him she wasn't interested.

He started picking on her unmercifully at school, including constant racial and sexual taunting. He sent her nasty text messages. Dd didn't want us to get involved, but we called the principal, who handled it beautifully and came down on this kid like a ton of bricks, and also called his parents. If the principal hadn't called the parents, we would have.

The bullying stopped and there were no repercussions for dd, who later admitted she was glad we got involved.

I think having the adults intervene is the way to go with this. They need to be swift and decisive, and the let bully understand the consequences if he or she doesn't stop.

 

[esbrick]

A bit of a spin off to the mean girls threads.

What would you do if your middle or high schooler was being bullied. What about with cyber bullying? Do you let them handle it on their own until it becomes a point where they no longer are able to, or do you intervene much sooner than that? Would you go to the school if there was physical threats, even if you were not sure they would actually follow through on these?

Actually I just encountered something like this last night. Someone wrote something on my DD's FB Wall about wanting proof of a picture and her being a liar. I went up to speak to her and asked if she knew who these people were. She told me no. I then asked her why she accepted their friend requests and she looked at me as if she was upset that she was getting in trouble and shrugged her shoulders. I changed my approach. To be honest I was a bit nervous about what I had read and my approach was more than likely to serious becaus eof my own fears.

First we went online and deleted the posters as friends. We also removed the offending posts from her wall. We then had a refreasher on FB rules, ie if you do not know a person who requests you as a friend you DO NOT accept their request under any circumstances. If by chance there is an altercation that has something to do with being unkind she is to either remove the post or defriend the person. She can always ask if she is unsure what to do and we can deal with it.

We will continue to monitor her page, cause that's what we do. Teenage girls are aweful and rotten sometimes but usually they are just pushing the envelope until someone catches them, however, some of them are just pure evil and know their power.

I read a post recently about giving your child the tools to deal with bullys, to empower your child. I thought it was a fantastic post. http://www.disboards.com/showpost.php?p=40218743&postcount=7 IMHO, alot of times bullys are either spoild brats who are not used to being told no or that their opinion is not outstanding or are abused themselves and their only outlet is to take their fear and distress on someone they perceive as weaker!

I do plan on going over with my DD what I read about empowering your child against a bully. It was good advice on how to defuse a situation without malice or stooping to the bully's level. I am also going to go on her FB account with her and look at her security settings. I can't save her from things that haven't happend, but I believe that she needs to learn to be able to defend herself or if need be, stand up for what is right. Those tools, that empowerment, should and will be taught by DH and me.

 

[esbrick]

I think having the adults intervene is the way to go with this. They need to be swift and decisive, and the let bully understand the consequences if he or she doesn't stop.

I agree with this totally!

 

[melissapealo]

I think as a parent you must get involved and go to the school about the problems. A few weeks ago a 16 year old boy the next town over from where I live committed suicide because of bullying. Someone had gotten a revealing picture of him and it spread through the school. He received many comments because of it. I have no knowledge on if any parents or the school were aware of everything that was going on, or if anything had been done to stop the bullying. Kids can be extremely hurtful in the things they say and do. No one knows what threats are real and whats being said just to be mean or get a reaction. I feel no matter how small the problem seems it needs to get addressed so it can get controlled before something awful occurs.

 

[Magic Mom]

A bit of a spin off to the mean girls threads.

What would you do if your middle or high schooler was being bullied. What about with cyber bullying? Do you let them handle it on their own until it becomes a point where they no longer are able to, or do you intervene much sooner than that? Would you go to the school if there was physical threats, even if you were not sure they would actually follow through on these?

My DD was in this situation not too long ago, although her bully wasn't as extreme as some. I let her handle it on her own at her request. It was escalating but before I could intercede, she went and reported the situation to the Principal who handled it immediately. When she told me she had spoke to him about it, I called the next day to follow up. I think DD showed a lot of strength in speaking to the principal, and while she was always pretty confident, this just boosted her self esteem and confidence even more. If I would have jumped in right away, she wouldn't have that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A bit of a spin off to the mean girls threads.

What would you do if your middle or high schooler was being bullied. What about with cyber bullying? Do you let them handle it on their own until it becomes a point where they no longer are able to, or do you intervene much sooner than that? Would you go to the school if there was physical threats, even if you were not sure they would actually follow through on these?

My middle schooler is being bullied right now in her book group and these are boys.

I am encouraging her to talk to the counselor/teacher first to resolve.

She is sick today and will probably not go in tomorrow either.

I am going to let her take charge and then if she can't handle it I will shoot emails to the teacher and counselor.

As far as cyber bullying not sure what you mean by that since you can block people on facebook and cell phones. You do not have to participate in cyber bullying. Block the offenders.

 

[Pigeon]

As far as cyber bullying not sure what you mean by that since you can block people on facebook and cell phones. You do not have to participate in cyber bullying. Block the offenders.

To some degree, I agree, but with facebook it gets a little more insideous, if the bullied and the bully have any friends in common, which, if they attend the same school is very likely.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

To some degree, I agree, but with facebook it gets a little more insideous, if the bullied and the bully have any friends in common, which, if they attend the same school is very likely.

I would tell my kid to delete their account then if it is that bad.

 

[Buckalew11]

My dd was bullied for a few years at school. I did not intervene. School knew--in fact, they told me about it. At that time (probably grade 4), DD wasn't the only one. This escalated until it came to a head in 8th grade. I then had to intervene--DD was extremely depressed from this and suicidal. Let me tell, when it goes that far, you ACT.

 

[taximomfor4]

I pulled one dd from school (midway through 6th grade) due to bullying. It was relentless, and our daily talks with the school yielded no results.

She only talks to 2 people from school, yet almost a year later, just randomly began receiving text message harassment. The final text, when my dh finally grabbed the phone and asked where "they" got her phone number, said it was written on the back of the school bus. DD didn't even have a cell phone until after we pulled her out of school.

I think parents should be cautious and watchful if letting a child handle bullies alone. DD did very well for preschool through 5th grade, but in 6th it was completely overwhelming. Even parents + teachers+ principal couldn't make the school environment mentally healthy for dd anymore.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I pulled one dd from school (midway through 6th grade) due to bullying. It was relentless, and our daily talks with the school yielded no results.

She only talks to 2 people from school, yet almost a year later, just randomly began receiving text message harassment. The final text, when my dh finally grabbed the phone and asked where "they" got her phone number, said it was written on the back of the school bus. DD didn't even have a cell phone until after we pulled her out of school.

I think parents should be cautious and watchful if letting a child handle bullies alone. DD did very well for preschool through 5th grade, but in 6th it was completely overwhelming. Even parents + teachers+ principal couldn't make the school environment mentally healthy for dd anymore.

That is nuts. If I could not move, I would have done the same thing.

Yes, I do keep a watchful eye and open communication with dd to help her.

Thankfully her school is pretty good with things.

 

[Donaldswife]

I would tell my kid to delete their account then if it is that bad.

Deleting their account will stop the attacks on their account, but it will not stop girls from setting up fake accounts with your childs name. Nor will it stop them from creating fan pages such as "I hate Susie Jones" and have all the girls write mean things about her. They can still use FB and other sites to attack even if your child does not have an account.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Deleting their account will stop the attacks on their account, but it will not stop girls from setting up fake accounts with your childs name. Nor will it stop them from creating fan pages such as "I hate Susie Jones" and have all the girls write mean things about her. They can still use FB and other sites to attack even if your child does not have an account.

That is crazy that people do that.

 

[Donaldswife]

That is crazy that people do that.

I think so too. It is a very different world for bullies and victims than it was when we were kids. Now they can attack and belittle you 24/7 from their cell phone, with hundered or thousands of kids reading. My SIL is a middle school guidance couselor, and she sees nonsense like this every year.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think if physical harm is imminent then of course parental action is required.
Bullying IMO is one of those things that we all seem to have very different views of what constitutes bullying. I think parents often jump into the fray way to soon and in other cases they wait way too long.
Given that I don't view general harrassment as bullying, I would not randomly intervene unless my child asked me too or I deem am immediate physical threat.

I also would remind my child that when someone belittles them, harrasses them or picks on them it is because the harrasser feels small themselves and this is a method they use to pump themselves up.
I would remind my child to not cower, to not play into being the victim and we would of course review online protocol as well as cell phone, social websites and general behaviors to alleviate or take the power away from the bully.

 

[bombygriz]

I was relentlessly cyberbullied and bullied in school in the eighth grade by a girl who had been my friend. She called me names in class, sent a text message around the school, ane PM'ed me on Facebook to tell me how abhorrent I was. My mom was in on the situation and called the school, but the way it worked out was not to our liking-the assistant principal for some reason was told by the girl's mother that I had said sexual things about myself in class and therefore I was written up for sexual harassment. If your child is being bullied you MUST take action, but you also must know your rights. If we had known that we could have taken the girl to court or called the police for doing that, we would have. She still causes trouble every once in a great while, and we are sophomores.

 

[MedicGoofy]

Bullying, to me, is one of the worst forms of harassment that kids/teens/ young adults have to deal with.

I think parents DO need to step in when there child is being bullied. Parents are their kids advocate. If a parent is not going to speak up for them, who is. Kids are not taught how to deal with emotion of being bullied.

More and more these days, kids and teens are becoming depressed and suicidal because of bullying. Parents need to intervene, stand beside their kids. Show them that it's NOT alright and that it is going to change.

I do not have kids. BUT I see this on a regular basis. My job puts me in the middle of this. Seeing kids who have been bullied, who are depressed and suicidal. They need someone to stand up for them. To say it's not right. To help make it right for them.

 

[SLM]

My middle schooler is being bullied right now in her book group and these are boys.

I am encouraging her to talk to the counselor/teacher first to resolve.

She is sick today and will probably not go in tomorrow either.

I am going to let her take charge and then if she can't handle it I will shoot emails to the teacher and counselor.

Please, don't e-mail. It's not unusual to get 50 plus e-mails a day when you work in a school. Call your daughter's teacher and speak with them. This is too important and they will want to help you!

 

[taximomfor4]

I think if physical harm is imminent then of course parental action is required.
Bullying IMO is one of those things that we all seem to have very different views of what constitutes bullying. I think parents often jump into the fray way to soon and in other cases they wait way too long.
Given that I don't view general harrassment as bullying, I would not randomly intervene unless my child asked me too or I deem am immediate physical threat.

I also would remind my child that when someone belittles them, harrasses them or picks on them it is because the harrasser feels small themselves and this is a method they use to pump themselves up.
I would remind my child to not cower, to not play into being the victim and we would of course review online protocol as well as cell phone, social websites and general behaviors to alleviate or take the power away from the bully.

This was my viewpoint as well, until we watched dd change rapidly. From 11 years of an exuberant, very social, outgoing, confident, friendly girl (in spite of physical differences) to going straight to bed as soon as she got home from school. It developed over about 3 weeks. In her case, it was groups of kids that would surround and block her in the hallways(that she didn't know, and that weren't always the same kids) plus laughing audiences in the hall. She didn't think they were going to physically harm her, but she couldn't get through, and once it began happening 4,5,even 6 times per day and none of her strategies (that had worked for years and years) made them stop, she changed.

She is still not the same kid she was, unfortunately. She has her dance friends, etc, but is reserved. She doesn't want to do activities outside dance or church. She was never in danger of physical harm, yet was profoundly and rapidly changed by the relentless, endless "harassment."