WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

[Hikergirl]

A couple of pp’s already answered this

I'm wondering why people are thinking he spent the holiday with his wife who he has been separated from for 2 years. I mean that is what you are all implying by your posts right?
You are the one who said it so I asked you.

 

[leebee]

I'm wondering why people are thinking he spent the holiday with his wife who he has been separated from for 2 years. I mean that is what you are all implying by your posts right?
You are the one who said it so I asked you.

OK... the Thanksgiving question. People want to think that if he spent the holiday with his wife rather than his girlfriend, that says he's really not committed to getting divorced or to the girlfriend. HOWEVER... this guy is and always will be a father. He's also been part of the extended family for HOW many years? I would give him points for spending the holiday with his family, his KIDS, even if he doesn't want to be married to their mother. (For all we know, maybe he and his kids spent the holiday with HIS side of the family, and he's not ready to bring a girlfriend into that equation yet, being as he is still legally married and all.)

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I'm a long time poster but decided to get a new account because my ex knows my identity on here. Although we are on good terms but it's been 4 years since divorce so it's time for me to get a new account.

I have a bit of a dilemma but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it:

I've been dating a separated guy for 1.5 years. We met 6 months after he moved out of the family home so I don't feel like I broke up his marriage. He has moved out once before but went back because of kids and now kids are adults. They are working on divorce and although she agrees to it, she is very slow with her process. I totally stay out of it but I know that it wears on him so I do wish that it is done and over with for his sake.

So boyfriend told me that his kids told him that their mother hired a private detective and has video of my boyfriend and I answering my door at my home. She showed the video to the kids trying to implicate his infidelity. The kids know their dad and how abusive the marriage was so were not buying the story. I don't get involve with his kids and divorce at all, but the thought of this woman having a video of me totally creeps me out. I'm not worried about what she may find as I have nothing to hide, but the thought of her digging into my privacy is really bothering me. Should I seek legal counsel? go to Police? Do I have any grounds to do anything?

Thanks for any advice.

You in fact did date while they were married. So yes you were involved. That said he's the one that broke his oath to his wife. You never made such an oath to her. As for the pictures, it is perfectly legal to hire a PI to take incriminating photos of the husband while in public and in public includes your front porch if the photographer doesn't have to step foot on your property to get the picture. She's not allowed to blackmail anyone with them or the like or stalk him or you if it comes to that. But it hasn't yet and using them against him for the settlement is fair game.

Do not date married men. I'm not being a prude, I'm just speaking from experience here. I've dated two men who were separated, and they could never truly detach from their marriage. I've learned my lesson.

Don't date married women either. Even if they do truly detach, someone that will cheat with you, will turn around and cheat on you.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Ha ha, you should get over yourself. The pearl clutching on this thread is hilarious. The OP doesn’t need to answer to you or anyone else here about her dating life. It’s not unusual for people who have been separated for two years to date,

Um no. The OP is the one that aired it a message board. As such, anyone is free to comment. And if you read the first post, she's at least still having a little bit of a time answering to herself.

Why?

Because Enquiring Dis minds want to know.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think we know how Thanksgiving went down. But, just theoretically, I have to disagree with the above post. If the parents are separated and divorcing, and especially if the kids are now grown adults, I really see no reason why there would be any expectation or commitment for somebody to blow off their new significant other and spend Thanksgiving day with their 'old' family. That is why there are things like shared custody and alternating holidays, etc.. I do not know, but will go on the assumption that everyone involved lives within a reasonable driving distance.

Thanksgiving, IMHO, is not like a milestone for the person's child, like a graduation, wedding, etc.

 

[VandVsmama]

Don't date married women either. Even if they do truly detach, someone that will cheat with you, will turn around and cheat on you.

When I was in high school, the calculus teacher and economics teacher were married to each other. The math teacher cheated on his 1st wife with the econ teacher. He left wife #1 and later married the econ teacher. Anyway, they went on to have 2 kids together. Econ teacher was overheard one day crying to the home ec/art/ceramics teacher about the calculus teacher husband had gone and cheated on her with somebody else.

Buyer beware!

Something tells me that this is not the same as the OP's situation, though.

 

[gwynne]

When I was in high school, the calculus teacher and economics teacher were married to each other. The math teacher cheated on his 1st wife with the econ teacher. He left wife #1 and later married the econ teacher. Anyway, they went on to have 2 kids together. Econ teacher was overheard one day crying to the home ec/art/ceramics teacher about the calculus teacher husband had gone and cheated on her with somebody else.

Buyer beware!

Something tells me that this is not the same as the OP's situation, though.

If the walls in that teachers lounge could talk.....

 

[Dead2009]

So I was traveling yesterday afternoon and didn't realize this thread has gotten so many acton..lol.

There are a lot of judgement, assumption and imagination from one small paragraph I gave, but I guess that's how the internet is.. It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements.

I posted yesterday morning because I was pissed that my privacy was invaded. After some hours, I've calm down and now don't really care.. She can use it however she wants.

None of my IRL friends stopped being friends with me because I'm dating a separated married man and none of his IRL friends stopped being friends with him for leaving his wife. I think those actions override opinions from stranger on the internet.

I know I'm new here and my opinions don't really hold any weight just yet but I'm extremely confused.....you're pissed that your privacy was invaded yet you made a new account to talk about your private life? Not to mention that you had to make the new account because an ex knows who you are on here but yet you gave it away right off the bat who you were? Last but not least you're essentially saying that you don't care about the opinions of strangers on the internet? From an outside perspective....I feel like you want everyone to side with you on the matter and since it's not happening, now those opinions hold no bearing.

 

[Hikergirl]

OK... the Thanksgiving question. People want to think that if he spent the holiday with his wife rather than his girlfriend, that says he's really not committed to getting divorced or to the girlfriend. HOWEVER... this guy is and always will be a father. He's also been part of the extended family for HOW many years? I would give him points for spending the holiday with his family, his KIDS, even if he doesn't want to be married to their mother. (For all we know, maybe he and his kids spent the holiday with HIS side of the family, and he's not ready to bring a girlfriend into that equation yet, being as he is still legally married and all.)

I agree with all of that, my question is why are people jumping to the conclusion that he spent Thanksgiving with the wife he is separated from. Why isn't the assumption that he spent the day with his kids?

Did the OP say they weren't together? I read through the thread and didn't see that but could have missed it.

Because Enquiring Dis minds want to know.

And my inquiring mind wants to know why

 

[lovemygoofy]

What would I do if my boyfriend's wife being creepy? Probably get new boyfriend.

 

[luvsJack]

You in fact did date while they were married. So yes you were involved. That said he's the one that broke his oath to his wife. You never made such an oath to her. As for the pictures, it is perfectly legal to hire a PI to take incriminating photos of the husband while in public and in public includes your front porch if the photographer doesn't have to step foot on your property to get the picture. She's not allowed to blackmail anyone with them or the like or stalk him or you if it comes to that. But it hasn't yet and using them against him for the settlement is fair game.


Don't date married women either. Even if they do truly detach, someone that will cheat with you, will turn around and cheat on you.

I don't think your first part is being really fair. The OP's bf was separated from his wife when they met. I don't know if she meant "living apart" or legally separated but either way, she didn't have anything to do with the break up of the marriage. And he had basically already broken his oath to his wife when he moved out so the OP doesn't have anything to do with that either.

Now, the man could be totally lying about his "crazy" ex wife (funny how all exes are "crazy", isn't it?) and the way the separation happened and that he had left before and the marriage was already over. But still not the OP's fault if the man turns about to be a jerk.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I've been dating a separated guy for 1.5 years.

I stopped here to ask: Why is this guy separated for 1 1/2 years? Like, why aren't they divorced yet? Because of the wife's "process"?

Ok, um, ditch this dude. This was a bad idea from the start. You don't need whatever the hell is going on here.

 

[RangerPooh]

What if it's not a matter of the guy being dishonest, but that the to-be ex wife is a mean, spiteful person? I've seen this in others, where the marriage was clearly over, one had moved out and papers filed for divorce. Yet one spouse refuses to grant the divorce just to not allow the other to be happy/win/move on.

A girlfriend of mine has been dating a guy for the last 2.5 years whom is divorced with two kids. His ex wife cheated on him, then tried to pass off her baby from her fling as his. He knew of her lies and cheating and dropped her butt as things would never change; this wasn't the first time she had cheated on him. Their divorce was messy as she wanted more money. Honestly, their kids were not a priority to her, the baby (and $ from baby daddy) and money from her ex were. She did hire someone to spy on my friend and to dig into her past. What was collected was passed along to the ex husband in an attempt to blackmail, and to the lawyers in an attempt to gain more money and to substantiate her claims, but was found to not help her case. My friend didn't care what they found out as she's an open person, the biggest thing was her husbands suicide days before Christmas. But what really got her upset was spying on her son. That's when she got a restraining order.

 

[palavra]

you are dating a MARRIED MAN. That is wrong on so many levels. Married is married. If he was divorced fine but separated is still married. The only advice I will give is wait until he is divorced.

That is none of your business. You also have it wrong. There are states that recognize legal separation. Also, if both parties are waiting on divorce for a certain reason, but both agree to see other people, there is nothing wrong with that. I will be getting a divorce in 9 months when our only daughter turns 18. We chose to stay together until she turns 18 for several reasons I don't want to mention here. Getting a divorce is only about the legality of the marriage. Former couples can and do decide to live separate lives without letting a piece of paper come between them.

 

[disneychrista]

What if it's not a matter of the guy being dishonest, but that the to-be ex wife is a mean, spiteful person?

This was my thought on the ex's behavior. If the BF is being honest about everything and the marriage is truly over why not just move on. Why spend your time & effort on this. The kids are grown, time to move on.

 

[palavra]

But you solicited those opinions. Now you don't like them so it's a problem? And the part about "It's anonymous so people are not afraid to make statements"...well that right there is the value of it all. People in your real life might not give you their honest opinion about everything. Here, people hand you the truth of their opinions (as requested)...it's a good thing.

She didn't solicit those opinions. She asked about the privacy issue. Some people just love to be judgmental.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That is none of your business. You also have it wrong. There are states that recognize legal separation. Also, if both parties are waiting on divorce for a certain reason, but both agree to see other people, there is nothing wrong with that. I will be getting a divorce in 9 months when our only daughter turns 18. We chose to stay together until she turns 18 for several reasons I don't want to mention here. Getting a divorce is only about the legality of the marriage. Former couples can and do decide to live separate lives without letting a piece of paper come between them.

You're totally right. On the other hand legal council has, can and will advise against dating depending on the person's state and their situation. It can complicate things for the proceedings.

This is taken from my father-in-law's divorce attorney's website just to give an example:

• What about dating while the divorce is pending? You are married until your marriage is dissolved by the judge. You may seriously jeopardize your case by even “seeing” another man or woman. We recommend you refrain from dating.

It's really not just a piece of paper--marriage or divorce. Legally speaking it can be so much more. That however, does not mean a person can't do what they want. Father-in-law did date during his couple year divorce so he went against his legal council. Did it interfere with the proceedings? It's entirely possible it did but it's entirely possible it didn't.

I'll also put a caveat that I don't think the number of truly amicable "of course we can both see other people" with zero animosity towards it, with true both parties agreeing is very high. Mostly you'll find one spouse is dating while the other is not too keen on that. OR there may be saying it's ok to date other people but you really don't want that. Depending on the person that may play a role in how one handles the divorce.

For your comment there's a moral vs legal issue. Sometimes both of those interact with the decision to date while in the process of divorce.

 

[Dead2009]

She didn't solicit those opinions. She asked about the privacy issue. Some people just love to be judgmental.

If she didn't want opinions then she shouldn't have went into detail about what was going on. I feel if you're going to be very open with an issue, then you should be prepared for the responses to that issue.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I don't think your first part is being really fair. The OP's bf was separated from his wife when they met. I don't know if she meant "living apart" or legally separated but either way, she didn't have anything to do with the break up of the marriage. And he had basically already broken his oath to his wife when he moved out so the OP doesn't have anything to do with that either.

Now, the man could be totally lying about his "crazy" ex wife (funny how all exes are "crazy", isn't it?) and the way the separation happened and that he had left before and the marriage was already over. But still not the OP's fault if the man turns about to be a jerk.

It was entirely fair. You're either divorced or you're not. He was not. From the OP.

I've been dating a separated guy for 1.5 years. We met 6 months after he moved out of the family home so I don't feel like I broke up his marriage. He has moved out once before but went back because of kids and now kids are adults. They are working on divorce and although she agrees to it, she is very slow with her process. I totally stay out of it but I know that it wears on him so I do wish that it is done and over with for his sake.

So um yes, she was involved with a married man. It was entirely fair. I certainly didn't condemn her for it. And I never said if he turns out to be a jerk it's her fault. But the person that cheats with you will turn around and cheat on you if the situation arises. It's wishful thinking to think otherwise.

 

[LSUmiss]

She didn't solicit those opinions. She asked about the privacy issue. Some people just love to be judgmental.

And her privacy can be affected by the fact that she is dating a still legally married man. Some ppl can be judgmental & some ppl can justify anything if it fits their narrative.