WWYD about mother/daughter trip ? Updated - 1st post

[pyrxtc]

UPDATE: Well I guess my DD is going. She brought her grades up enough that she made honors for the last semester.I think that warrants letting her go. Yay !


My DD 12 and I are supposed to go on a trip in September, just the two of us. At the last report card when she got a D in social Studies plus missing assignemnts in some classes, I told her that her card needed to be better on her next one or she was not going. I just received her report card yesterday. She did bring the D up to a B but in 4 of her classes, the comments say she is missing multiple assignments. She is holding a C in most of these classes but if she turned in the assignments, I'm sure they would be better.

I told her yesterday that she didn't make the deal, her report card is not better. She brought the one grade up but I cannot forgive all the missing assignments. When vacation is over, I will be contacting her teachers to find out what she missed and having her do them, even though they will not change her grade for this semester. I will also be asking them to check on her homework book to make sure she is writing it all down so I can see what she has each day. (They gave them all a homework book at the begining of the school year.)

That is something she is supposed to be doing anyways, writing it all down, but hasn't. They do have a page where you can go online and supposedly see what they have for homework but the teachers don't keep up on it and all it says is "homework".

I really wanted to do this trip wiht her but I cannot justify ignoring this report card and taking her for something I no longer feel she deserves.

The room is booked and I already bought the airline tickets (which I planned on rebooking when the price dropped). I was planning on maybe doing the Expedition Everest Challenge with her. I had also invited a friend and her DD 8 to go with us for the weekend. Ruling was going to be, that if my DD didn't improve her report card, it would just be my friend and I going instead, no children.

So, what do I do now ?

 

[baz212]

Since the trip is not until December, and the D grade did improve, and the other classes pretty much stayed the same, she did technically improve her report. Give her a chance to improve on the missing assignments. Bringing a D up to a B can mean a lot of work which may be why assignments weren't getting done in other classes. Work with her a make it a teachable moment.

 

[TaraPA]

This is a hard one. I'm a tough love mom - you break the rules, you get punished. Zero tolerance in this house & very few second chances. BUT - things are already booked - which could be a financial downfall for you if cancelled - AND there is another family involved. You'd also be punishing yourself by missing out on a great trip with your daughter. I'd have to say in this case I'd probably bend the rules & give her another chance on the next report card. But only that one chance!

I have an almost-12-year-old - I feel your pain - why don't they get responsibility & accountability??? Why why why??!? I've taught it & shown it from day 1 & it still flies out the window some days....

 

[lisatradingspaces]

I am a big believer in natural consequences. For bad grades I would make her do homework every day during the summer. I would buy some homeschool workbooks and give her assignments each day. After a summer of doing school work every day, she'll take school more seriously next year! My son sure did!

I would still do the trip because I think it could be a bonding experience. She is getting into her teens and you need a strong bond to get through that!! I wouldn't punish my kids by taking time with me away from them. In fact, I punish them by making them spend MORE time with me......doing extra work.

 

[cathyce2]

I would tell her that you are proud of the progress she has made by bringing the grade up, but to earn the trip she must complete her assignments. I'm assuming she will get one more report card at the end of the year and if that one still shows problems with missing work I would cancel the kids and go with just your friend.

 

[pyrxtc]

yes, she will get one more report card. Also the trip won't be canceled, I will still go but instead of being a dual mother/daughter trip, it will be a girl's only trip with just me and my friend and I will rebook the ticket in her name so I won't lose anythig financially. I can also get my DVC points back and bank them still.

I do spend a lot of time with her otherwise, so this would just take this special weekend away from her. I'll still be able to change the airline ticket name after the end of ehr report card too. It probably won't be until then that I know if the other mom/daughter is going anyways. Her DH is saying "no" right now.

 

[SLK1]

SUCH a tough situation! My DD13 is starting to push her limits and I'm so bad about imposing punishments. One PP stated you need to have bonding experiences, and I totally agree with that. If you cancel the trip, will that improve her grades, or improve her being responsible? Probably not. It will make her angry and resentful though. Maybe set up short goals for her - every week check the assignments, etc., that way you're staying on top of it too, which kind of guarantees her success and saves the trip. Good luck!

 

[~Kristina~]

I say go and take her. You only have this time with her at this age for so long. Pretty soon she's only going to want to hang out with her friends and be "too cool" to hang out with mom.

 

[Kim1964]

For me it would depend on that final report card for the year. If she's maintained or improved her grades and there are no more comments about missing assignments, then I'd take her. If she still isn't getting it about submitting all of her work, or her grades have dropped, then I'd stick by what I said and not take her on the trip.

I agree that bonding experiences are important, but following through with consequences is important, too.

 

[spima3]

Well, unlike many here, I wouldn't let it slide. You clearly stated what you expected, and she didn't deliver. By taking her on this trip, you are showing her that you aren't committed, so why should she be committed?

However, technically, she did improve her grade, therefore her report card, so you can both still enjoy a trip together. I would phrase it that way as well, then explain exactly what improvements you expect to see, and if they aren't unreasonable, then she should be able to comply. If she dosen't than the trip isn't really important to her, OR she knows you cave, so why bother.

Under your specific circumstances, I would give her until her next report card to show you the specific improvements that you expect, and the trip can then be enjoyed by all.

 

[Principessa1284]

You could plan on taking her, but let it depend on the final grade of the year. The trip isn't until September, right? You have a while. Just make it clear that she still needs to get all those missed assignments in (even if she won't get the credit for them) and will NOT be allowed to have any further missed assignments from now until the end of the year.. especially if that's what's killing her grade.

Good luck to you both!

 

[disneymom2one]

My opinion?

I would have an action plan immediately for dealing with the grades. My plan (and yours may differ) would include an immediate conference with the teachers - at least a phone conference. I would also ask for a weekly or biweekly progress report - or at least a simple email. It would also include a good talk with my daughter to get to why schoolwork or homework wasn't getting done.

I have a 13 year old seventh grader. She's a great kid (and a great student) but organization at this age is a tough one - as is middle school in general. She's both gifted and special needs. We still go over homework with her. Homework is done in the family room with reasonable supervision and the rule is that "free time" comes after homework.

She was having issues with organization so we bought her a Trapper Keeper (or whatever they're called now). It was the best thing. We go through it every few weeks together.

I realize 12/13 is getting older but I still would ask the teachers to contact me if the missing assignments continued. We can check our daughter's grades any time online and I know instantly if an assignment is not turned in (rare if ever) or late (occasionally) so the teacher contact is not needed as much.

As to the trip, I would wait until the final grades are in and then reward (or not reward) reasonable effort.

 

[pyrxtc]

I can check online if the assignments are done but some of the teachers only update them evry 6 weeks or so and some don't update them at all. My SDD has a pace online that you can even download the sheet homework and it is all spelled out page by page so I know what has to be done my DD's school isn't quite there yet. The last issue I had wiht one of the teachers, I sent in a note to please contact me so we could design a resolution and I was never contacted at all. I'm hoping that this semester, her teachers will get in touch wiht me when I send the notes in and we can do something about this.

 

[roscoepc1]

When you originally promised her the trip, was it based on school performance?

That's the bottom line for me. If the trip was promised, no strings, THEN you added the grades expectations, imho, you are in the wrong and need to honour your promise to her, regardless of grades.

If the trip was promised, based on grades, and a higher one was required, you need to keep your word there too.

I do not lie to my kids....ever. About good things OR bad. You need to honour your ORIGINAL agreement with her. Adding strings afterwards isn't fair.

Also, imo, she did improve her report card. Bringing a D up to a B is a BIG DEAL! You have to realize....you're talking about raising a grade up over 20%! Maybe even close to 30, depending on where she was in both grade ranges to begin with.

 

[badblackpug]

Stick to your guns. You didn't feel she improved and her work wasn't up to par, then she didn't earn the trip. I know it is hard, and you feel bad, but the only way to get through to her is be consistent. If you don't show her now that you mean what you say, she will continue to let it slide. Believe me, I've been there and done that! As another poster said if you don't commit, neither will she. My oldest missed her 8th grade trip to Six Flags because she didn't hand in homework. She sat in the office at school doing make-up work while the other kids were there (we had an ongoing homework problem) We felt bad with all the tears and drama, but she got the message! "you don't work, you don't get paid." Trust me she won't need therapy because she misse the trip, but she will get the message.

 

[Colleen27]

I would tell her that you are proud of the progress she has made by bringing the grade up, but to earn the trip she must complete her assignments. I'm assuming she will get one more report card at the end of the year and if that one still shows problems with missing work I would cancel the kids and go with just your friend.

That would be my approach too. Bringing a D up to a B in one term is a big deal, and shows that she's serious/committed to improvement. I would also be in immediate and ongoing contact with her teachers to find out precisely what "missing multiple assignments" means and to keep abreast of specific homework expectations going forward, so that I could help (force) my child to develop better homework habits.

We're dealing with this with DS11 this year - he was forgeting to fill out his planner, forgetting to bring homework home, forgetting to return/turn in the work he had done. When he turns everything in he's an A/B student with the occasional C in English, but he brought home a couple of Ds in the first card marking because of missing assignments. So now his teacher looks over his planner and jots down any assignments he missed for the week, and if he's not keeping up the consequence is that he's got all that missed homework to do on the weekends while his friends/classmates have none. It took two weekends of not being able to go out or have friends over to see a 90% improvement in his homework habit.

Waiting to see report cards wouldn't have done any good, IMO, because we'd have been seeing the results too late to help him change them and because we wouldn't have been able to impose logical and immediate consequences.

 

[pyrxtc]

updated