Would you want to know?

[Snap Crackle Pop]

How incredibly selfish of this man.
He is not her father, he is a sperm donor.
Once you sign away your rights, or give your child up for adoption that is not your kid anymore. You relinquished those rights.
Unless the daughter/or son (depending on scenario) who is adopted is the one actively seeking out the people who they are genetically similar to than leave the child alone.

 

[mom2rtk]

So at age 18, someone is easily manipulated and not really able to make lifelong decisions, but the daughter at 20 is mature enough to handle potentially having this dumped in her lap? I'm just having a hard time reconciling that.

 

[mom2rtk]

How incredibly selfish of this man.
He is not her father, he is a sperm donor.
Once you sign away your rights, or give your child up for adoption that is not your kid anymore. You relinquished those rights.
Unless the daughter/or son (depending on scenario) who is adopted is the one actively seeking out the people who they are genetically similar to than leave the child alone.

I wonder how many people asserting for the rights of this sperm donor would be in favor of those who donated through a sperm bank doing the same thing.

 

[aprilgail]

If I really was adopted I have no desire to know. I love my parents and my family. All is good and no need to disrupt anything.

.

Wow- just because someone is searching for their biological family doesn't mean that they don't love their parents and family. My mom was supportive of my search for my birth mom- she even invited my birth mom to my baby shower and they exchange Christmas cards and kindle books! Just because I found my birth mother and some bio siblings doesn't mean anything has changed with the family that I grew up with!

 

[DawnM]

I think you are missing the point. If someome doesn't know they are an adoptee then they may very well NOT want to know they are. I wouldn't.

No, I am not.

The truth usually finds its way out at some point.

 

[aprilgail]

I wonder how many people asserting for the rights of this sperm donor would be in favor of those who donated through a sperm bank doing the same thing.

LOL- I can also speak from personal experience there- met my daughters bio father last summer!!

 

[cabanafrau]

I am on about 5 different message boards with thousands who feel the way I do. I have several friends who were adopted and they feel this way as well. I haven't yet met anyone in person who doesn't know either of their bio parents and don't know who they are that don't want to know at least something about them.

Having a relationship is an entirely different thing and will depend on what the person is like and expectations. Those are varied stories for sure.

I say this with respect, that's kind of like saying you can judge the majority opinion of Disney because you belong to multiple Disney boards with thousands of people interested in Disney and thousands agree with you, therefore that's the predominant opinion of Disney.

You have no way of knowing how many simply don't participate online to share their stories or opinions.

 

[DawnM]

I say this with respect, that's kind of like saying you can judge the majority opinion of Disney because you belong to multiple Disney boards with thousands of people interested in Disney and thousands agree with you, therefore that's the predominant opinion of Disney.

You have no way of knowing how many simply don't participate online to share their stories or opinions.

That is a valid point. But please start doing google searches on adoptees and their issues. This isn't something I am making up. Really.

 

[cabanafrau]

No, I am not.

The truth usually finds its way out at some point.

More than likely it has or will. Fact of the matter OP and her husband have little to no idea of the circumstances, simply their own wants and desires. Parenting isn't usually approached with that in the forefront.

 

[Allison]

Everyone has framed it exactly as they want to frame it to justify their own opinions.

Which of course includes you.

 

[littlejimmy]

For goodness sakes--no one knows that this girl doesn't know she is adopted. OP, and her husband, are assuming that is why he was blocked when he attempted to contact them out of the blue on facebook when she was 13.
That's it. Unless OP is leaving a lot out, that is the only information they have to go on.

I read the information here thus:

1. 16 year old boy and 18 year old girl have an unplanned pregnancy. Girl and her family move away and boy does not make major efforts to see this child of his, hides the fact taht he has a child frmo his family and friends until he turns 18, etc. (so, not only does he make no real effort to see the child but in fact appears to make efforts to not be a part pof her life by hiding her existence).

2. Boy turns 18 and is asked to sign over his parental rights. He does so without finding out much information, without getting any kid of agreement to an open adoption, without talking to his parents or other adult for guidance, etc.

3. Afte signing over his rights, he tells his parents about the baby (why now? He is suddenly no longer afraid?) and htey try to have contact by sending gifts/letters which were retuned unopened. (could it be that the other family does not know his parenst were out of hvte loop and htinks they just want the joy of grandparenting now that all responsiblity is off the shoulders of their son?)

4. Young man does nothing for 11 years. Just lives his life as if he has no child. Does not contact her or the family and certainly does not send child support (not required since he signed away his rights, but if he were REALLY concerned for her wellfare that might be a good place to help).

5. at age 29 the man now decides he'd like contact so he finds the family on facebook and sends a message or tries to frined them (not clear which). We have no idea how this was worded or what he asked for, etc.

6. Family blocked him on facebook/ removed their facebook profiles.

7 Another 7 years go by in which the man does nothign about this daughter. Now she is 20 and he and his wife surmise taht perhaps she doesn't know about him or that she is adopted and convince themselves that they would be doing her a favour by exposing her to the truth if they contact her. Meanwhile, the man has not had any real contact with the adoptive family/bio mom in 18 years so he has absolutely no idea what this girl was ever told or not told about him or if she has any desire to meet him or not. He is just making wild guesses that support his/his wife's desires.

pretty good summary, but I would prefer it just a bit more scupperized...

 

[cabanafrau]

That is a valid point. But please start doing google searches on adoptees and their issues. This isn't something I am making up. Really.

No, I meant what I said about saying it with respect. I don't doubt what you are saying is said with truth and a belief that since so much is out there online it must be the majority opinion. I'm merely suggesting that there is probably a majority of people who don't participate in the subject online.

 

[HarleenQ]

And your opinion is based on your own thinking and understanding. I will again say that if you aren't an adoptee or an parent who has given up your child, you can't possibly know. You can have an opinion, but you can't know what it feels like.

Right. But since you've always know, you couldn't possibly know how it would feel any more than I could.

I am on about 5 different message boards with thousands who feel the way I do. I have several friends who were adopted and they feel this way as well. I haven't yet met anyone in person who doesn't know either of their bio parents and don't know who they are that don't want to know at least something about them.

Having a relationship is an entirely different thing and will depend on what the person is like and expectations. Those are varied stories for sure.

There's been plenty of post on this forum topic that says exactly that - It's clearly not abnormal.

 

[HarleenQ]

No, I am not.

The truth usually finds its way out at some point.

Yes, it does. But that doesn't mean OP and her husband should be the source of that truth.

 

[ASchwa]

I say this with respect, that's kind of like saying you can judge the majority opinion of Disney because you belong to multiple Disney boards with thousands of people interested in Disney and thousands agree with you, therefore that's the predominant opinion of Disney.

You have no way of knowing how many simply don't participate online to share their stories or opinions.

That is true, no one knows about all. As I said before, I am an adoptee and both of my brothers are adopted. One of them found their Birth family, the other doesn't want to know. My SIL is also an adoptee, married to the brother who doesn't want to know, said to me once that if she could sit at a diner and see her birth mother but not engage her, she would like to do that. I think most adoptees are curious and want to do something and some are afraid of that knowledge to even act. I would liken it to how many people do DNA testing and try to find cousins and family genetic history. They want to find out their Ancestry and weren't adopted, a lot of adoptees are like that but first they have to find their Birth Family to even get their ancestry.

 

[gwynne]

No, I am not.

The truth usually finds its way out at some point.

Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But really, that's not the point.
What the OP and her DH are talking about is truth at any cost. And that is often deliberately or "sort of accidentally" very cruel.

Once again, OP's DH needs to get some counseling with someone very experienced in these issues. They will guide him to proper channels to register his info so if the now adult child wishes to make contact, she can at some point.
The DH also needs to make peace with the fact that he may not every hear from her, and that is perfectly OK, too. This should not be about the OP's or the DH's personal needs, feelings and/or guilt. That's what counseling is for.

 

[ASchwa]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

 

[DawnM]

Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But really, that's not the point.
What the OP and her DH are talking about is truth at any cost. And that is often deliberately or "sort of accidentally" very cruel.

Once again, OP's DH needs to get some counseling with someone very experienced in these issues. They will guide him to proper channels to register his info so if the now adult child wishes to make contact, she can at some point.
The DH also needs to make peace with the fact that he may not every hear from her, and that is perfectly OK, too. This should not be about the OP's or the DH's personal needs, feelings and/or guilt. That's what counseling is for.

I agree that counseling is a great idea.

 

[DawnM]

Right. But since you've always know, you couldn't possibly know how it would feel any more than I could.



There's been plenty of post on this forum topic that says exactly that - It's clearly not abnormal.

But most of them were raised by one parent and not the other, not fully adopted and have no knowledge of who either parent is. That is different and often involves one parent bad mouthing the other.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

There is probably a very good reason(s) she doesn't know about him, and it should be kept that way.

Stay away.