Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you?

[princesspumpkin]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Just a little more info-The wife has a great government job, her masters degree (and is thinking about going to law school) and they have no children, so financially, it would not be very hard for her to live on her own. Although she is "book smart", she is not "street smart". She does think that something "may possibly" be going on (but has no clue as to the extent-such as vacations he's taken with the other women) because she has asked her mother-in-law if She thinks that something is going on (and the mother-in-law knows "everything" and even helps cover for him. But that is a whole other story) Although I can't say that I want them to divorce, I do think that all she needs is some tangible proof to confirm her suspicions and shes GONE! I really feel badly for her (she wanted children but he wouldn't ALLOW it ) I would just like her to get some happy years out of the rest of her life.

 

[Serena]

Tell her, tell her how hard it is for you to hurt her, but tell her.

 

[cats7494]

YES, I would ABSOLUTELY want to know!

I think it is important to share this with your friend.
I know it is so very hard and scary to be the bearer of bad news - but just imagine if she does find out and then realizes that YOU knew and did not tell her.

That could be a betrayal in her eyes and cause her more pain and not to trust you as much...

I am always so sad to hear of these types of things and my heart goes out to all in this thread who have been hurt in this way! to those who have been through this!

 

[auntpolly]

geez, why do people do this? I mean, I guess people can fall out of love, but hey! Be a man! Admit that you are seeing someone else. And you women who would betray a "sister" like that......totally pathetic!

I think I was bluffing when I told the guy I was going to tell his wife if he didn't -- I don't know what I was going to do. i think most of the time wives won't believe it.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

I would want to know as well.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by auntpolly
i think most of the time wives won't believe it.

I don't think this is necessarily so. In my case, my ex was a cop--he worked nights and overtime often. She was a dispatcher. He would take his police car and leave for work. He treated me the same and lied to his co-workers about his whereabouts as well as me. He was a consummate liar and was able to make me believe that I was remembering things incorrectly.

I would have loved to know the truth. I was only working on a gut feeling that something was wrong and had to deal with lies and defensiveness any time I brought anything up. I had no proof of anything going on. This is someone that I had been married to for 12 years with no problems like this in the past. It happened over the course of a few months. When he accused me of overreacting, I fell for it.

You are supposed to be able to trust the person you are married to. It's hard to let that go.

 

[popeyeohoh]

Can I get a man's opinion. Yes I would want to know

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by NMAmy
I don't think this is necessarily so. When he accused me of overreacting, I fell for it.

You are supposed to be able to trust the person you are married to. It's hard to let that go.

That's what I meant -- I think we're agreeing....I think women have a hard time believing it's true, so telling them might not do any good. if you believed your husband, would you have believed a friend? Just curious.

I have the feeling I'd be like you and believe any song and dance my husband told me. I mean, you're right. You're supposed to trust the person you are married to.

 

[faithinkarma]

Originally posted by auntpolly
Here's what I did: I went to my friend's husband and told him that I knew what was going on and if he didn't tell her I would. He took care of it for me. (the weasle )

I really like this idea.

And I agree with what others said about feeling humiliated that people knew before you. In the midst of a terrible hurt, that is an added burden. It just leaves you feeling so exposed and vulnerable.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by auntpolly
That's what I meant -- I think we're agreeing....I think women have a hard time believing it's true, so telling them might not do any good. if you believed your husband, would you have believed a friend? Just curious.

I have the feeling I'd be like you and believe any song and dance my husband told me. I mean, you're right. You're supposed to trust the person you are married to.

auntpolly--I think I would have believed a friend. When everyone else is also acting like everything is hunky dory--I mean, how do you know you're not just overreacting? I would have loved to have some kind of proof (even if it was just someone who had seen them together) to strengthen my case and verify that I'm not just hormonal or something. I knew SOMETHING was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it.

He was still acting the same at home--I mean, we even went away for a romantic weekend while all this was happening. I just didn't have a verifiable reason.

I do know some women who stick their heads in the sand and are just willing to believe anything to keep their marriage together. But I would still definitely tell a friend if her husband was fooling around and I've made sure that all my friends now know that they'd darn well better tell me!

 

[princesspumpkin]

NMamy, I have also told all my friends (and family) that if they EVER see my DH cheating on me, they had BETTER tell me! But I have heard that a lot of women, after hearing it, get mad at the messenger instead of the cheating spouse. That's why I'm partial to the anonymous letter/picture thing.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by NMAmy
auntpolly--I think I would have believed a friend. When everyone else is also acting like everything is hunky dory--I mean, how do you know you're not just overreacting? I would have loved to have some kind of proof (even if it was just someone who had seen them together) to strengthen my case and verify that I'm not just hormonal or something. I knew SOMETHING was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it.

He was still acting the same at home--I mean, we even went away for a romantic weekend while all this was happening. I just didn't have a verifiable reason.

I do know some women who stick their heads in the sand and are just willing to believe anything to keep their marriage together. But I would still definitely tell a friend if her husband was fooling around and I've made sure that all my friends now know that they'd darn well better tell me!

Amy, that must have been really hard. I hope everything's better for you, now.

 

[NMAmy]

princess--I'm right with you about the anonymous letter. It would be really hard to tell someone face-to-face unless they were a particularly close friend--and maybe not even then. It's an awful position for you to be in.

auntpolly--thank you so much. This happened, wow, it's been 5 years ago. Things are MUCH better now though it was heartbreaking at the time. I have a great guy now, DD lives with us, and we just bought a new home. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I had to get through that to get to the wonderful life I have now.

And, even though my ex was a pain in the patootie, he gave me my daughter and that's the best gift I've ever gotten. I am even nice to him and his wife when I see them (which is happily, not very often).

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by NMAmy
I am even nice to him and his wife when I see them (which is happily, not very often).

Good for you!!! I think this would be the hardest thing! I think I might be really evil about it !! (I hope not!)

 

[vettechick99]

I didn't read all the posts, but I had to add my 2 cents.

I used to listen to Dr Laura a lot, and while I didn't agree with a lot of what she said...I did see her point in this.

She says that if you have concrete evidence, you should approach the cheating party and tell them, "if you don't tell your mate you are cheating, I will". That gives them an opportunity to come clean and you aren't in the middle.

Chances are, she knows and has chosen to look the other way for security sake...or whatever! I also know that with HIV, herpes and the rest of the STDs out there, if I find out that everyone knew except me and left me at risk, I would be furious.

It's so sad that cheaters get away with this sort of thing b/c people are afraid of butting in. But when your emotional and physical health are on the line, its way more complicated.

Good luck...

 

[Kitty 34]

I would definetly want to know.

 

[ShuisFan584]

I would definitely want to know if I was being cheated on! I probably wouldn't believe it if some random person, or someone I wasn't very close to told me. But if it was someone like my best friend or my sister I would.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Oh yeah - I'd want to know. And if I were absolutely sure it was true - I wouldn't leave. I'd have the locks changed while he was at work and all his stuff would be on the lawn!

 

[pw2pp]

Chances are, she already knows and is just accepting it or is just in denial about it. I find it hard to believe that a person could carry on affairs for several years and the spouse doesn't have a clue.
Either way, I would either let her know about it or send the information anonymously. She has a right to know (if she doesn't already) because marriage is a vow and a contract and he is breaking the vow (contract) and she should be informed so that she can decide whether to continue to live with the situation or get out. Also, as someone else said, she needs to be able to protect herself from disease.
Good luck.

 

[Kristi1357]

Originally posted by LadyTrampScamp&Angel
Oh yeah - I'd want to know. And if I were absolutely sure it was true - I wouldn't leave. I'd have the locks changed while he was at work and all his stuff would be on the lawn!

I did exactly that! FYI though - since he still technically owned half the house, he had every right to break in by law. Fortunately for me, he didn't know that!