Would you send the invite?

[Nancyg56]

Put the ball in HIS court-any reply by him negatively will prove right.Hope your husband is behind you in this!

This. You should not be involved at all.

Husband's family, his mother, his brother-- he is in control. He needs to decide if he wants to invite them and he needs to deal with his mother. You need to tell MIL that this is between her and her son and you will happy to let him know she called, or hand him the phone.

This is on him to deal with!

Exactly. Stay out of the drama and have Dh discuss anything that has to do with his brother. If MIL tries to talk or set meetings tell her that DH will handle it. Even if you can smooth this one over it is going to happen again.

Uh I just have to say that what you said was pretty nasty and to say it at the Thanksgiving table was pretty rude, so I wouldn't say you are an innocent bystander in this feud. Whether it is true or not you don't say things like that at a holiday table!!!

I think you both antagonize each other and should just not talk or respond to each other. He is still your husbands brother, just keep the comments to your self or your husband until you get home.

Invite them, since it is at her house she could just invite them anyway and is just being polite asking you.

ITA. I believe tht this is probably the remark that fanned his flames and should never have been spoken.
It is beyond rude to make comments like this.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

He didn't hear the comment (at least I don't think he did) I whispered it in my husbands direction. I never said I was innocent. I call him out once or twice when he does something rude but for the most part I ignore him. I'm just not prone to letting people say and do whatever they like to me or my family.
The truth is the truth and Dh's husband excuse BIL actions by saying he didn't have as many privileges and so on. MIL came over last night. SURPRISE she was there defending BIl saying he's hurt and he said things when he was mad but he thought it was forgotten etc. She kept going on and on about that's the way he is he never says sorry he just tried to do something nice to make it better. I don't find that acceptable and can't believe she would raise someone who can't apologize!
By child bride I mean young she was like 20 when she had their son. 22 when they got married. She is really young.

 

[NHdisneylover]

He didn't hear the comment I whispered it in my husbands direction. I never said I was innocent. I call him out once or twice when he does something rude but for the most part I ignore him.
The truth is the truth and Dh's husband excuse BIL actions by saying he didn't have as many privileges and so on. MIL came over last night. SURPRISE she was there defending BIl saying he's hurt and he said things when he was mad but he thought it was forgotten etc. She kept going on and on about that's the way he is he never says sorry he just tried to do something nice to make it better. I don't find that acceptable and can't believe she would raise someone who can't apologize!
By child bride I mean young she was like 20 when she had their son. 22 when they got married. She is really young.

Okay--calling a 20 year old a child bride is insulting (and you do not even know her real age--this is based on your guess of her looks???). I really do think you are fanning the flames on this one, if not lighting the fire yourself here.
Many peopel have children in their early 20s (I was 23--and I LOOKED about 15; I was still being asked for my student ID when I subbed at Junior Highs at the time). I still look young when I put on make-up and dress nicely. On a recent vacation three separate people thought my daughter and i were twins--even at close range. One (actually two women) sat at the table next to us feeling sorry for the single dad with three kids for half the cruise before realizing I was the mom--I know because they asked our (shared) waiters if they had heard right when my son called me mom. We ended up sitting with the two women later on (once we learned we all spoke German) and spoke some more about it--of course I loved it, but no one was accusing me of being a child bride at the same time.

 

[MickeySP]

He didn't hear the comment (at least I don't think he did) I whispered it in my husbands direction. I never said I was innocent. I call him out once or twice when he does something rude but for the most part I ignore him. I'm just not prone to letting people say and do whatever they like to me or my family.
The truth is the truth and Dh's husband excuse BIL actions by saying he didn't have as many privileges and so on. MIL came over last night. SURPRISE she was there defending BIl saying he's hurt and he said things when he was mad but he thought it was forgotten etc. She kept going on and on about that's the way he is he never says sorry he just tried to do something nice to make it better. I don't find that acceptable and can't believe she would raise someone who can't apologize!
By child bride I mean young she was like 20 when she had their son. 22 when they got married. She is really young.

I would assume he heard, always assume everyone in the room can hear you when you say something that way you can learn to edit yourself.

You - yes you - are feeding the bear!! Stop it, keep your comments to yourself. When he throws out some idiotic, know nothing verbiage, try nodding and keeping any comment to yourself or when you are alone with DH. BTW not in front of your DD, unless you want her to learn this lovely trait.

I wouldn't do it for BIL or DH, I would do it it because I am someones mother and watching my 2 boys go at it(one with a cheering section) would be tearing me apart. Think how you would feel if your 2 children(if you have another sometime) did this. WWYD? Would you want their spouses fanning a flame you are trying to work out.

I feel for this woman - not for you, your DH, your BIL or his "child bride". I feel for her and the tremendous strain this is putting on her. But then again reading your PP you must not like her much either.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

By child bride I mean young she was like 20 when she had their son. 22 when they got married. She is really young.

My wife and I were both 20 when we got married. I don't see anything wrong with it. The term "child bride" seems to indicate you do.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Okay--calling a 20 year old a child bride is insulting (and you do not even know her real age--this is based on your guess of her looks???). I really do think you are fanning the flames on this one, if not lighting the fire yourself here.
Many people have children in their early 20s (I was 23--and I LOOKED about 15; I was still being asked for my student ID when I subbed at Junior Highs at the time). I still look young when I put on make-up and dress nicely. On a recent vacation three separate people thought my daughter and i were twins--even at close range. One (actually two women) sat at the table next to us feeling sorry for the single dad with three kids for half the cruise before realizing I was the mom--I know because they asked our (shared) waiters if they had heard right when my son called me mom. We ended up sitting with the two women later on (once we learned we all spoke German) and spoke some more about it--of course I loved it, but no one was accusing me of being a child bride at the same time.

She was 20. I know this because she still wasn't able to drink or go out. It has nothing to do with looks. I look young too. I still get carded. No one believes my mother who is 56 is my mother. Nor do they believe my daughter is my child. She, SIL, is very young. Education doesn't go beyond the 10 grade. I just feel like she hasn't lived her life and yet they feel the need to judge me and DH.

I'm going to have to invite them but I'm making it very clear that if he BIL comes there with an attitude he will be shown the door. I don't want his festering sore like attitude ruining DD day.

But yes I flame it a bit , like I said I'm not innocent.

 

[MickeySP]

She's very young. Education doesn't go hire than 10 grade. I jut feel like she hasn't lived her life and yet they feel the need to judge me and DH.

My son (college grad) married a woman who did not graduate, her education stopped in 9th grade, education does not make you better or worse than anyone. She is one of the best people I know and a fantastic mother who had hard times in her life.

Book smarts does not make you a better person. If that is the case than I must be better than someone who graduated HS only but less than someone with an Masters or PhD.

As far as living a life - how do you know? I know people who have had more life in 26 yrs than others in their 60s.

If you can judge her - then why can't she judge you? Or is that part of being "edjumicated" as my DDad would say with his PhD(Brown University, I assume the school matters too) in hand.

 

[PaulaSB12]

She was 20. I know this because she still wasn't able to drink or go out. It has nothing to do with looks. I look young too. I still get carded. No one believes my mother who is 56 is my mother. Nor do they believe my daughter is my child. She, SIL, is very young. Education doesn't go beyond the 10 grade. I just feel like she hasn't lived her life and yet they feel the need to judge me and DH.

I'm going to have to invite them but I'm making it very clear that if he BIL comes there with an attitude he will be shown the door. I don't want his festering sore like attitude ruining DD day.

But yes I flame it a bit , like I said I'm not innocent.

So what is it about having a degree which enables YOU to be so judgemental about her? 20 when she married 22 when she had her child, not much of a child bride there. The fact that she hasn't been to college shows nothing about her mind either. The way you talk about her says a lot about you though.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I'm going to have to invite them but I'm making it very clear that if he BIL comes there with an attitude he will be shown the door. I don't want his festering sore like attitude ruining DD day.

I'd say the party is already ruined. You are already looking for a reason to ask them to leave. You will probably spend the whole party looking for a reason to ask them to leave... whether you realize it or not.

Just try to relax and forget about them being there. If you react to anything he says or does it will only make you look bad. Good luck with the party.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

No, 20 when she had her first kid, 22 when she got married. She hasn't left the town she grew up in. She hasn't left a 5 mile radius of that town. The girl thinks Cheesecake Factory is 5 star dining.

I just really don't like them and neither me or DH want them around us or our child. The only reason I'm being this civil is because MIL is laying the guilt but after this party DH and I have decided that we are going to cut ties with them. MIL wants to feel bad for them, that's on her. We have no patience for people who don't want to better themselves and the people that make excuses for them.

 

[PaulaSB12]

No 20 when she had her first kid 22 when she got married.

She hasn't left the town she grew up in. She hasn't left a 5 mile radius. The girl thinks Cheesecake Factory is 5 star dining.

I just really don't like them and neither me or DH want them around us or our child. The only reason I'm being this civil is because MIL is laying the guilt but after this party DH and I have decided that we are going to cut ties with them. MIL wants to feel bad for them, that's on her. We have no patience for people who don't want to better themselves and the people that make excuses for them.

So she is happy living in the town she was born in. What is wrong with that Also her idea of fine dining is not yours, now what word is coming to my mind? Oh yes SNOB.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

after this party DH and I have decided that we are going to cut ties with them.

I'm sorry you have decided this course of action. I hope your brother-in-law gets help for his drug addiction, and that you are still able to get along with your husband's mother.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

SNOB? In no way am I a snob. I'm just stating how she thinks and lives her life. I don't think anyone who's been out in the world would call Cheesecake Factory fine dining. Which just proves my point of how they are.

 

[RunningGirl]

No, 20 when she had her first kid, 22 when she got married. She hasn't left the town she grew up in. She hasn't left a 5 mile radius of that town. The girl thinks Cheesecake Factory is 5 star dining.

I just really don't like them and neither me or DH want them around us or our child. The only reason I'm being this civil is because MIL is laying the guilt but after this party DH and I have decided that we are going to cut ties with them. MIL wants to feel bad for them, that's on her. We have no patience for people who don't want to better themselves and the people that make excuses for them.

Wow. This made me realize your were the OP in the other thread you had about how you resented your SIL for getting pregnant with a girl. You may have more education than your in-laws and be more travelled and "worldly", but that does NOT mean are better and it certainly does not mean you have more class. I think you need to step back and check your attitude and try to "better yourself" when it comes to building relationships with your husband's family.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Flightless- I sort of am too but Dh thinks it's for the best. He's from the "I can forgive but I won't forget" school of thought. I tend to believe the same thing. I don't want a drug a dealer/ user around my child. She doesn't need that around her.
MIL thinks we aren't giving her the chance to "love her uncle" but he called her a burden. Does that sound like a person that wants to be loved by her?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

MIL thinks we aren't giving her the chance to "love her uncle" but he called her a burden. Does that sound like a person that wants to be loved by her?

I must admit I am not in your situation, so I can't say for sure I know what I would do. Obviously you are closer to this situation than any of us, so I can only give my opinion on what I hope would be my actions in the same situation.

My general feeling is love should be given, wanted or not. Although with a young child, it certainly isn't easy to explain why Uncle so-and-so acts the way he does.

This whole thing seems to be more of a feud between your husband and his brother than anything else. I would hope MIL would also be trying to get him help for his drug problem. If she isn't, that might be something to bring up.

As for the other things (age, education, Cheese Cake Factory, etc.), that's just how family is. Not everybody puts the same priority on the parts of life. It's OK to not see eye to eye with someone on every topic.

 

[lillygator]

I would move the party to somewhere else, not send an invite and cut ties.

 

[surfergirl602]

By child bride I mean young she was like 20 when she had their son. 22 when they got married. She is really young.

Umm... I'm going to pretend that you didn't just write that.

 

[surfergirl602]

No, 20 when she had her first kid, 22 when she got married. She hasn't left the town she grew up in. She hasn't left a 5 mile radius of that town. The girl thinks Cheesecake Factory is 5 star dining.

I just really don't like them and neither me or DH want them around us or our child. The only reason I'm being this civil is because MIL is laying the guilt but after this party DH and I have decided that we are going to cut ties with them. MIL wants to feel bad for them, that's on her. We have no patience for people who don't want to better themselves and the people that make excuses for them.

I honestly thin you need to step back, take a look at your own attitude, and do some growing up. I think you are just making matters worse for everyone involved. I think it would be better for everyone involved if you just stayed away from them, because you seriously aren't helping anyone with that type of thinking. Many people in my hometown were born there, raised there, married there, and died there. They never left... it doesn't make them a second class citizen, or uneducated. I would still be there if I hadn't married an Army man. I love it there.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Yes we know...you are perfect, your daughter is perfect and is going to be raised to know she is the most wonderful person to ever step foot on this planet, your husband is perfect and all of you are treated horrible by his family.

Really, if you believe all this (and sadly I think you do) you need to move far far away from these people and save yourself the trouble of having to be in their lower class world.

Plus it would save them from having to be in your stuck up presence