Would you "let" your child go to college 700+ miles from home- and UA

[mom2boys]

My son is seriously considering 3 schools. The closest is 8 hours away. The other two are over 2000 miles. His number one choice is 2300 miles away. We encourage him to pursue his goals. I would never consider denying him because I'm going to miss him. He is responsible and capable. If he's not living at home it doesn't much matter if he's 2 hours or 2000 miless away.
Do we still guide and advise him? Absolutely. Our job is to raise him to be a competent adult. He won't learn that if we insist that he is within our reach 24/7.

 

[goofy!]

As I said, college students need to learn balance -- balancing classes, work, and family is part of that. You would've had time IF it were a priority. It is a priority for both me AND my daughter.

I don't know why you think I'm limiting her choices. I've told her that if she goes to any in-state school we can pay it in full, but if she goes out of state she has to pay the difference herself. She's chosen two schools -- one 2 hours away, one 4 hours away. I do happen to like those two schools, but I don't know why you think SHE doesn't like them too.

We've actually been in agreement on every school we've visited -- we both like the same two best, but she's applying to more in case good scholarships roll in. The one thing about which we disagree is whether she should have a car on campus as a freshman; she wants me to commit right now and say, "Yes", but I'm saying, "Wait 'til we see the final price tag".

You got 2 of the 3 correct. Balancing their childhood family is definitely not part of college life. At least not forcing weekends home. Calls, texts and skype - absolutely. But physically having to connect once a month, that is definitely Helicopter parenting.

Your daughter is ok with it now as others have said as she does not know any better yet. And she probably wants to please you.

But if you really want her to grow up, she shouldn't have to feel guilty about having to indulge your desire to physically see her every month.

Yes, you are going to miss her terribly and it is going to hurt to see your beloved daughter leave the nest. But you can't force her to keep coming back to her childhood home just because you miss her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DS is going to school 3 hours away from home. He's a freshman and boy do I miss him. However, I can easily drive to his school next Saturday to see his first marching band performance and then drive home that night.

This scholarship is great- tuition & room for 4 years plus a few other perks. Even with travel it will cost less than an instate school. But there is the distance.

Does anyone know anything about University of Alabama that they might share with us?

Tuition, room, board plus other perks! WOW!!

What other offers has she gotten back? And what is she going to study?

Anway, it flies by so freaking fast, worth it to get your undergrad paid for if you can do it.

 

[MrsPete]

But your DD is making that based on what she knows NOW. She doesn't know what it is like to be in college and want to stay on campus because there is a really fun dance she wants to attend but mom said she has to come home instead (or maybe not a dance because you said you were Baptist but you get the idea). I don't think you are allowing your DD to make an INFORMED decision because of your bias on this.

I get along great with my kids, we enjoy doing things together and we do a lot together as a family. I am going to miss watching them in marching band, golf, etc. but that is MY problem, not their problem. Their life is moving on and so is mine. DH and I were just talking about this and how we are going to have to find more things to do once the kids are out of the house .

I just hope that your requirements don't backfire on you and separate you from your DD because she resented that you made her come home when she would have rather stayed on campus. YOUR balance is not HER balance....she needs to figure that out on her own too.

You're talking about a kid who has spent the whole summer away from home, so I think she does have some idea of what she's talking about when it comes to being away from home. She's got enough of a clue to make a plan together with me, and she's smart enough later on to say, "Hey, this no longer works", if it isn't going as planned.

I haven't required anything of her, and she's not likely to resent me -- my kid knows she's loved and supported. You're really making up a problem that doesn't exist.

Also, it's Primative Baptists (that's a specific type of Baptist church -- it'd be on their church sign) who have a problem with dances, and I actually haven't heard of that stereotype in years.

 

[golfgal]

Again, did I say I asked her to make a commitment? You're reading things that I'm not saying.

She initiated the conversation about visits home on one of our college-visit drives. She seemed very nervous about the idea of not being able to come home whenever she wanted, and when we talked about it a while and agreed that once a month would be just about right, she was very pleased.

Why do you want to make our family's plans out to be wrong?

Just as long as YOU are flexible and she KNOWS that if in say November she doesn't want to come home for Thanksgiving and whats to go visit her roommate's family instead that you are ok with that. Have you talked to her about that? Have you said, 'for now coming home once/month is a good plan but if, in the future, you change your mind, that is totally ok with us too"?

 

[MrsPete]

You got 2 of the 3 correct. Balancing their childhood family is definitely not part of college life. At least not forcing weekends home. Calls, texts and skype - absolutely. But physically having to connect once a month, that is definitely Helicopter parenting.

Your daughter is ok with it now as others have said as she does not know any better yet. And she probably wants to please you.

But if you really want her to grow up, she shouldn't have to feel guilty about having to indulge your desire to physically see her every month.

Yes, you are going to miss her terribly and it is going to hurt to see your beloved daughter leave the nest. But you can't force her to keep coming back to her childhood home just because you miss her.

Again, where did I say I'm going to force her to come home? Are you reading that SHE instigated the conversation about how often to expect to come home? And SHE thinks this is a good plan? You're making assumptions here that are dead wrong.

And, no, this is not the kid who cares a hoot about pleasing me. She's pleasant, and we get along very well -- because we usually agree; not a surprise, given that we have the same personality. But she's not a bit shy about saying what she wants. She's a very independent kid, but she's also very attached to her family.

 

[punkin]

I wanted DD to pick a different school than she did...one that was a 10 hour drive (fine by plane), but she wanted the one closer to home. Of course she picked the one she wanted. Well, in her second semester she got appendicitis. I was in the Emergency room with her and was able to drive her home after surgery because it was only 2.5 hours away. There was a lot of peace of mind knowing I could do that.

 

[golfgal]

I wanted DD to pick a different school than she did...one that was a 10 hour drive (fine by plane), but she wanted the one closer to home. Of course she picked the one she wanted. Well, in her second semester she got appendicitis. I was in the Emergency room with her and was able to drive her home after surgery because it was only 2.5 hours away. There was a lot of peace of mind knowing I could do that.

That is nice but if that happened to my dd and she was 7 hours away I probably would have gotten a hotel room in her college town and taken care of her there. It all works out in the end.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Again, did I say I asked her to make a commitment? You're reading things that I'm not saying.

She initiated the conversation about visits home on one of our college-visit drives. She seemed very nervous about the idea of not being able to come home whenever she wanted, and when we talked about it a while and agreed that once a month would be just about right, she was very pleased.

Why do you want to make our family's plans out to be wrong?

I answered a question you asked. You asked whether others thought you were being helicopterish, and I answered.

You say that you aren't committing to this, but then you use words like "plans" or "agreed". I guess if my child said to me "I'm nervous about not being able to come home whenever I want" I'd say something like "You know I'll always be happy to have you home. I can't drive every weekend, but I could come once a month if you asked me. However, don't be surprised if your feelings change. I'm confident that when you get to college you'll make the right choice about coming home."

 

[MrsPete]

Just as long as YOU are flexible and she KNOWS that if in say November she doesn't want to come home for Thanksgiving and whats to go visit her roommate's family instead that you are ok with that. Have you talked to her about that? Have you said, 'for now coming home once/month is a good plan but if, in the future, you change your mind, that is totally ok with us too"?

We've talked about loads of plans -- plans for paying tuition, for buying books, for managing transportation -- and every one of them has been left along these lines: This is our starting-out plan, and we'll see how it goes. Really, with only a few exceptions for safety-related things, we've always been a family open to change. She isn't likely to think we've changed entirely just because she goes away to college.

As for Thanksgiving specifically, we always rent a cabin at a lake, and last year she asked if we'd start getting a 3-bedroom so she could invite any out-of-state people in her dorm to come with her. If I've rented a place ahead of time with her in mind, I wouldn't want her to say at the last minute, "I'm not coming". But if she let me know before I paid for the cabin, that'd be fine. And if she couldn't make it on one particular month, that'd be fine.

 

[punkin]

That is nice but if that happened to my dd and she was 7 hours away I probably would have gotten a hotel room in her college town and taken care of her there. It all works out in the end.

Yes, it does work out, but believe me, it was much easier for me and for her since we were so close.

When I was in school (back in the dark ages) 1000 miles away and wound up in the hospital, my boyfriend was there helping, but I wanted my mother!!!! I think we all do when we're sick and it was too far for her to drive and too expensive to fly on short notice.

There is nothing wrong with going cross country for school, but there is nothing wrong with staying close to home either. Both have advantages and disadvantages.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i'm an alabama native and a UofA fan, and i was just in tuscaloosa at the campus about 6 weeks ago...it is a BEAUTIFUL school, and the people are wonderful. i have to say, if your DD is getting a scholarship with perks, knowing what i do about the requirements to get such a deal, she must be an excellent student, and this is an incredible opportunity for her.
the city and the people are amazing. please, come down and visit us and see what i mean. it'll set your mind at ease, i'm sure.

 

[MrsPete]

I answered a question you asked. You asked whether others thought you were being helicopterish, and I answered.

You say that you aren't committing to this, but then you use words like "plans" or "agreed". I guess if my child said to me "I'm nervous about not being able to come home whenever I want" I'd say something like "You know I'll always be happy to have you home. I can't drive every weekend, but I could come once a month if you asked me. However, don't be surprised if your feelings change. I'm confident that when you get to college you'll make the right choice about coming home."

If you knew me, you'd know that I'm not a helecoptor parent by any means. My kids have age-appropriate freedom. You disgree with our idea of what's an appropriate amount of time home. I still think 2 days out of 30 is reasonable.

I can tell you that my kid's a planner, and she doesn't like to be vague. If she asks what time we're going out to dinner, she doesn't want to hear, "When Dad gets home." She wants to hear, "I expect Dad about 6:00, and we'll go to dinner then." Telling her that I'd come get her whenever she wanted wouldn't fly with her. When she instigated that conversation, she wanted to know how often I'd be willing to make the drive up to the mountains. She wanted to know whether I was willing to commit to once a week, once a month, or whether it was going to be, "See you at Christmas". She was asking for my expectations, she was asking me what I thought was appropriate. I know that because I know my kid. I understood her question, and after we talked about it, we were in agreement that one weekend out of four suits us both.

As for words like "plans" and "agreed", I don't see those as the equivalent of commitment or requirement or forced. I see them as plans. For example, we planned to go out to Olive Garden last night, but then we found a coupon for Carabbas. so we went there instead. Plans can change when circumstances alter.

 

[Abbie]

Why do you want to make our family's plans out to be wrong?

Of course your family's plans aren't wrong. What works for one family may not be right for another, neither is wrong.

My kids knew they could choose their own school within parameters we agreed upon since we were doing the financing. There are a lot of schools in our area that met their requirements so I would not have paid extra for them to attend somewhere far away. First one was determined not to even look at the school that was 20 minutes away, thought it would be too "high school". After a tour she never even applied anywhere else. And yup, she came home a lot of weekends, something we neither encouraged nor discouraged. She found that the weekends were heavy on the partying and drinking, neither of which she was much interested in. Still managed to become a great independent adult with a fun college "experience".

Second DD went further afield....45 minutes away. She was as involved and busy in college as anyone could be with a job as an RA, another job on campus, as a cheerleader all four years, and in several honor societies that often required weekend meetings. Yet she too still came home a lot of weekends and sometimes during the week. Also managed to graduate as a successful independent adult.

Third child was just dropped off at school (same college middle DD attended) on Thursday....and was already home today! I told him he'd grown three inches. Seriously he was just home to pick up a few things he'd forgotten and was considering staying for the weekend since his school cancelled classes for Monday but decided he wanted to ride out the storm at school so DH hauled him back. I don't really expect him home as much as his sisters but he's welcome anytime and he knows it.

Maybe we just don't have any set expectations for our kids but I've never understood that "can't come home till Thanksgiving" thing. They can make their own decisions by the time they hit school and that includes whether or when they come home. I always enjoy seeing them.

In all cases I've liked the convenience of having them nearby in case of emergencies, which thankfully have been few. It would be different I guess if there were not excellent schools close by.

 

[Hannathy]

You're talking about a kid who has spent the whole summer away from home, so I think she does have some idea of what she's talking about when it comes to being away from home.

See that is the important thing. and you summed it up completely. You called her a kid. and she was basing her preconceived notions based on thinking and feeling as a kid. But next fall she won't be a kid! She will be an adult and getting more adult every week she is away at school.

Why would you want to encourage her to continue thinking as a kid?



As far as the car, a lot of schools won't even let a freshman have a car so before counting on that be sure. plus where my DD goes once you are allowed to have a car it is almost a thousand dollars a year for a parking permit!

 

[Pigeon]

The transportation costs would be an issue. I don't do very long distance car trips, and I'm not buying my kid a car. I will pay the equivalent of 4 years at a state school. If they got an awesome scholarship that would more than compensate for the transportation costs, that would be OK by me. On many campuses, freshmen cannot have cars.

 

[Abbie]

As far as the car, a lot of schools won't even let a freshman have a car so before counting on that be sure. plus where my DD goes once you are allowed to have a car it is almost a thousand dollars a year for a parking permit!

Wow! DS just checked today about parking permits and they are free!

 

[allison443]

The transportation costs would be an issue. I don't do very long distance car trips, and I'm not buying my kid a car. I will pay the equivalent of 4 years at a state school. If they got an awesome scholarship that would more than compensate for the transportation costs, that would be OK by me. On many campuses, freshmen cannot have cars.

I think OP could buy an awful lot of plane tickets to Alabama for the cost of state tuition/room and board/additional perks (I think Alabama includes a laptop too)

 

[bumbershoot]

Once again it's proven that there's no perfect way to write an initial post. If you include all the info, then it's too much info and people lose track. If you dole out the important info as you go along, it sounds defensive and it's hard to make people believe you.

MrsPete.

Make her get a flu shot. That is the worst. Kid with the flu and you are hours away. Stinks.

Make a plan for when her body doesn't work with the shot and she still gets the flu. Or when the flu on campus is annoying enough to not be the one a manufacturer picked out of a hat 6 months ago.

I never got the flu in college, but when I was 30 jinkies, thought I was literally going to die one night...living all alone, friends all married and most with kids and having their own lives... My mom called one friend (who almost never "got sick" because she was on more immunosuppressive drugs than a liver transplant patient takes (which we know because she has since had a liver transplant and takes far less of everything)) and asked her to go shopping for me and drop off the bag at my door.

So make a plan anyway! Get friend's phone numbers.

Not for move-in day, of course -- that requires a car trip with boxes, bedspreads, and more.

Not when you're far away. Move-in for me involved me packing up what I wanted to have there and shipping it up within a certain time period before orientation. I took the rest with me on the plane. No drives for me!


I grew up in the Bay Area in CA. My mom wouldn't let me go to NYU because it was too far away (the city was fine for her, as she grew up in NY and visited NYC routinely with family as a girl, and later alone as a teen). So I got into college in WA (I *had to* leave CA b/c I was literally allergic to everything tested for and don't like drugging myself AND the drugs don't work anyway, well except for Seldane but that had the pesky problem of killing people). And then...stepdad filed for divorce, and mom's childhood sweetheart swooped in to propose, and to move her to Miami, FL.



So off I went to Washington at 17, with mom moving a week later to Florida. I was a shy, nervous person and we would NEVER have thought I would survive with such a distance between me and my most beloved mom, but it worked out. Pre-cellphones, she actually got an 800# so that I could call whenever, and for however long I wanted to, and I wouldn't get the bill.

And some children are raised to take into consideration what their parents have to say.

And some younger humans simply WANT to take into consideration what older humans have to say.

We're talking about school breaks plus two weekends each semester. You really think that's helecoptor-ish or holding the student back? You really think that's not trusting a teen?

It's definitely more than I saw my mom. It's more than my friend, who grew up in the town where our college is, saw her family. She was cross-town, maybe 15 minutes, away. She did just get so involved in everything that she didn't have the time. She also was still dating her HS boyfriend at the start of college, so he took up some of her time...but once they broke up it still didn't change.

Will it hold her back? Who knows?

Man, I remember some "college experiences" that I would like to have been held back from... If other options had existed (other than feeling like a loser in my dorm room ALL weekend long) I might have taken them. The best studying-for-a-final I ever did was with old family friends who had moved to Oregon...I drove down there and stayed with them for several days, and got the BEST studying done. Would have been even better if I could have been at *home* (but my home was gone a week after I started college).




When the time comes for DS, I assume he'll go where he thinks its best for him. My brother and sis in law are pushing for their alma mater, Duke. Of course, I've already told DS (and will continue to tell him) that one of my favorite places in the WORLD is merely hours away from Durham, so assuming he remains our "only", we might just have to move out to Asheville. But then WE would be so busy we'd never have time for him to visit!



Sounds like there's good and bad with both colleges. Make a pros/cons list, definitely being sure to include *feelings* and projected feelings on the list. I could "see" myself at Tulane, NYU to a certain extent (though in reality I bet the city would have chewed me up and spat me out inside a month), and where I went. After narrowing it down more and more and more, I chose the one in WA. My mom never went to a 4 year college, and had NO idea how to help me at all, so she really couldn't give input.

But hey, if she makes the wrong choice, she can always transfer!

 

[allison443]

OP I would suggest checking out collegeconfidential.com
I have seen a number of posts there from people whose kids are considering Alabama for the same reasons as your dd-a great scholarship offer. There have been discussions about being far from home, going to a school in a different area of the country, etc.
If you look at the parents forum there as well as the other forums, I think you should be able to find some threads that may be helpful.

Good luck to your dd!