Would you ever yell at your screaming 5 year old to "Shut Up"?

[mickeyfan1]

Hey Esmerelda, your story is getting too detailed. Maybe the mother was frazzled. I think you should MYOB:

I was trying not to judge her BUT she was also yanking the kids arm, in a way that struck me as a little too rough, and she was dressed in a way that IMO, was....how can I say this without offending people....not what mother's with young children usually wear in public (midriff baring shirt, thong exposed pants etc. ) and her whole manner towards the child just really gave me a bad, bad feeling.

No. I don't know what her morning was like. But I just got a very bad vibe.

If you felt that badly, you should have spoken with the security officer on the tranport. You are not trying to judge her, you ARE judging her.

I guess Monty never bugs you to distraction, never gets into the trash when you aren't looking, never barks nonstop at something you don't hear or see?

 

[mickeyfan1]

Ooops, double post!

 

[Abracadabra]

I find myself in agreement with mickeyfan1. The story seems to be evolving as this thread continues. I agree with the general sentiment about "shut up" ... that's bad enough. But then we get that the woman was being "rough" and then the details about how she was dressed. But there's no intention of "judging" her? If that's true, why the continued elaboration on the initial story?

If the woman was committing child abuse, you should have reported it to the nearest authorities. If not, then this is one of thos MYOB situations. You may not approve of this individual's parenting skills, but until you walk a mile or two or three in their shoes with their children, it's best to MYOB.

 

[Chicago526]

I don't blame Esmerelda for having a bad vibe, it sounds like one of those border-line situations that the adult isn't doing anything wrong per say, but things just aren't kosher, either.

That said, in general, yelling at your kid like that dosen't help them calm down at that moment. But I think kids need to know that their parents have their limits, too, and eventually you'll just push them a tiny bit too far and Mommy and/or Daddy is gonna lose it. It's a good lesson, as long as the yelling isn't a regular event. I think I did that to my mom once, I don't remember if she used "shut up" but she did yell, and I got the point, which was that mom was at the end of her rope and I'd better not push it any further.

 

[mrsltg]

I'll echo JVL1018 and Hydster. I have said SHUT.UP. to my dd. When it comes to that I consider myself (and her) lucky that was all that came out of my mouth. I'll even admit to speaking through clenched teeth, very very quietly saying, "Dierdre, for the love of God, if you don't be quiet right now I am going to have to start beating you on a regular basis with bricks in a pillowcase." At this we usually both bust out laughing. Clearly I have no intention of beating my child, but sometimes it's all that's left to be said when Mommy is at the end of her rope.

As far as stupid being a bad word, I don't agree. There are things and people in the world that are stupid. They deserve to be called what they are. I have no problem with my dd telling me she thinks something is stupid. She has to have a reason, but she is entitled to label stupid in an appropriate place.

Erin

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by mickeyfan1
Hey Esmerelda, your story is getting too detailed. Maybe the mother was frazzled. I think you should MYOB:

I was trying not to judge her BUT she was also yanking the kids arm, in a way that struck me as a little too rough, and she was dressed in a way that IMO, was....how can I say this without offending people....not what mother's with young children usually wear in public (midriff baring shirt, thong exposed pants etc. ) and her whole manner towards the child just really gave me a bad, bad feeling.

No. I don't know what her morning was like. But I just got a very bad vibe.

If you felt that badly, you should have spoken with the security officer on the tranport. You are not trying to judge her, you ARE judging her.

I guess Monty never bugs you to distraction, never gets into the trash when you aren't looking, never barks nonstop at something you don't hear or see?

First of all, we don't have visible security on our crowded subways in the morning. At the station maybe, but by the time I got off the train, found someone and got back to the platform that train would have been 3 stops away.

Secondly, I did not want to judge her but I did. She was dressed like a prostitue or something and IMO, that is just a horrible example she was setting for her daughter (who was about 10 and also with her). But hey- if she wants to dress like a tramp, more power to her, but I have every right to think she is setting a terrible example for her daughter.

She was yanking the 5 yo's arm. It looked like it hurt. I'm sorry but I have a hard time minding my own business when I see a grown adult, dressed like that (drawing attention herself) , screaming (louder than the child was, mind you) at a small child in public (drawing even more attention to herself) and the arm yanking was unnecessary (he was small and not very heavy), looked painful to the boy and IMO, a mother like that...who knows what she does to her kids in the privacy of her own home. This mother may have been frazzled, but the vibe I got from her was that she was not frazzled, she was just like that. But I'll neverknow for sure. I hope my bad vibe I got from her was wrong.

Lastly, of course Monty bugs me once in a while, but he is a dog, not a child. Had this woman yelled Keep it Down or Hush or Be Quiet or even Zip It I would not have cared but Shut Up is generally considered very rude and something that most parents STRIVE for their kids not to say.

And FYI, when Monty barks, I usually say something appropriate like NO! or STOP! and he does. You can not compare yelling a command at a terrier with shouting SHUT UP repeatedly to a 5 year old child.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Sorry, but shut up is just 2 words. Some people think it's rude, others do not. So what you are saying is that if she had been dressed in what you deem to be appropriate clothing for a mother, and was screaming Zip It, that would be OK with you and you wouldn't have spent all this time on the DIS talking about it? How do you decide she was dressed like a prostitute? Who made you the fashion police?

You certainly can compare tell your dog to stop barking with telling a child to be quiet. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Maybe you should have offered a little sympathy to the woman, you know say "Wow, I hope you day gets better" or something like that.

 

[MHopkins2]

"Shut up" was never a big deal in my family, so it's not a big deal to me now. (I'll never understand why "shut up" is totally unacceptable, but "hush," "zip it," and the like aren't, but whatever.) What bugs me about the story is the fact that the woman was repeatedly yelling the same thing at the kid - hi, that's not working, try something else.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Mickey - you are missing my whole point.

She could have been dressed like the Queen of England for all I care. I don't think you should lose your temper to the point where you resort to shouting the words SHUT UP over and over and over again to a small child in public.

The fact that she was dressed like that and yanking the kid by the arm only led to my suspicion that this was not a one time , frazzled moment.

And I won't even touch upon your fashion police comment. If you think it's fine to dress that way as a grown adult with two kids, go for it. But people are going to look and people are going to think you look silly. There are appropriate places for that sort of clothing. IMO, taking your kids on the train in the AM is not one of them.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by MHopkins2
"Shut up" was never a big deal in my family, so it's not a big deal to me now. (I'll never understand why "shut up" is totally unacceptable, but "hush," "zip it," and the like aren't, but whatever.) What bugs me about the story is the fact that the woman was repeatedly yelling the same thing at the kid - hi, that's not working, try something else.

This got me too. Obviously it was not working. It just seemed to make him cry and scream more.

 

[MHopkins2]

Completely OT, but just wanted to say that's a great picture of you and your family, hydster. (I haven't been around much lately - the picture probably isn't new, but it's the first time I've seen it.)

 

[hydster]

MHopkins..thanks! It was the only one where my youngest looked the least goofy. He LOVES to pull faces in every picture he has taken. LOL

 

[Pembo]

Yes I've said it and many other things childless parents may find offensive. They are my kids and you don't know all the circumstances. MYOB!!!

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

Originally posted by mickeyfan1


Maybe you should have offered a little sympathy to the woman, you know say "Wow, I hope you day gets better" or something like that.

I'm sure THAT would have gone over well!

 

[jrydberg]

Just FYI, it's hard to "myob" when a parent is yelling at a child in a public place right near you. If you want to raise your kids a certain way in the privacy of your own home, more power to ya. But when someone takes it out on the street and shoves it in everyone's face whether they want to hear it or not, it ceases to be a case of MYOB, in my opinion.

I'm not childless; yes I find it disturbing to be yelling such things at a 5 year old, regardless of the circumstances. I'm not saying yelling in that particular instance makes one a bad parent. But it is certainly setting a bad example for the kid and is unlikely to alter the kid's behavior.

 

[JVL1018]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX


The fact that she was dressed like that and yanking the kid by the arm only led to my suspicion that this was not a one time , frazzled moment.

I agree, when there are more things to the story than just telling your child to shut up it seems worse.

Just saying "Shut Up" is not a huge deal to me..I try not to say it, but if I do, I don't lose sleep over it.
I find any child taking God's name in vain to be very distasteful, I think it sounds horrible, and if I said that when I was a kid, I would have gotten in waaay more trouble for that than I would have for using any curse words.
But I don't think someone is a bad parent for saying Oh My God and I don;t think a child is raised badly if they say the same.
I think families often have things they say(not something like shut up) that seem bad-like the bricks in a pillowcase, LOL, that just mean that you're working on Mom and Dad's last nerve.
My Mom used to stand at the bottom of the stairs, point up to our rooms and say Get out of my sight before I beat you to a bloody pulp. It never ever meant to her or us that she was about to lay a hand on us, it was just one of those phrases...if it offends someone, oh well, but it wasn't offensive to anyone in my family.

 

[JayBee]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX

Secondly, I did not want to judge her but I did. She was dressed like a prostitue or something and IMO, that is just a horrible example she was setting for her daughter (who was about 10 and also with her). But hey- if she wants to dress like a tramp, more power to her, but I have every right to think she is setting a terrible example for her daughter.

Maybe it **was** a prositute, going home after being on the job all night, she's tired, she's broke, she's at her wits end, no hope in sight........((shrug))

 

[meandtheguys2]

Originally posted by JessetheCowgirl
I'm sure THAT would have gone over well!

Hafta say, that I have actually done that on occasion. 3x's, however I have then had a sobbing wreck of a mom on my hands! It is tough being a mom and always doing and saying the "right" things. They must have been having a rotten day. Too bad it couldn't have been handled better.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Originally posted by JayBee
Maybe it **was** a prositute, going home after being on the job all night, she's tired, she's broke, she's at her wits end, no hope in sight........((shrug))

 

[Keli]

Ok, I gotta admit, while the words 'shut-up' aren't particularly kind or polite aren't really a big deal to me. My parents told me I'd better shut up on more than one occasion and here's my own confession: I've told my dd Ashli that she had better shut it up or I would give her something to cry about when she was younger. I've never thought I deserved the mother of the year award but you know, my kid was well-behaved when she was younger, and she's a well-adjusted, happy go lucky college student now. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you are doing the best job you can as a parent you might blow it on occasion and your kids are still very likely to turn out well.