Would you do this for your child?

[MELSMICE]

I know this is rather dumb, but I was wondering if others would do this for their grown children..............

My loving, caring, giving neighbor has always done everything for her 2 sons. She drops everything to make them something to eat whenever they want. Will stay up all hours to do laundry if they want something special to wear during the week...........you get the picture.

Both her sons are now away at college. We have been having discussions about the different things we do/don't do for our children. She was still making their beds during high school.

Her youngest works at the movie theatres & last night she mentioned that she always stayed up until he got home, even if worked until 2 a.m. because he would be hungry when he got home & she would fix him something to eat. She said now that he is gone she can't do that for him anymore.

I always tell her that she is a better mom than I am because I would not dream of doing the things she does for her kids. I always tell her that my DD's are old enough to take care of themselves, If they are hungry they'll eat & if they choose to live in a room that is a mess that is their space & their business how they want it to look.

I, personally, don't think she is doing her sons any favors (or her future DIL's!!).

So, how much do you do for your adult children as far as still taking care of them.

BTW - I'm not cold hearted, I still do things for my kids............I do everyone's laundry. I make sure there is enough dinner made so when someone comes home from work they have something waiting for them, but I certainly couldn't wait up to cook something special for them & if they want something washed so they can wear it they know how to work the washer & dryer.

 

[happygirl]

Nope, I think kids that age should be able to do that type of stuff for themselves.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I know this is rather dumb, but I was wondering if others would do this for their grown children..............

My loving, caring, giving neighbor has always done everything for her 2 sons. She drops everything to make them something to eat whenever they want. Will stay up all hours to do laundry if they want something special to wear during the week...........you get the picture.

Both her sons are now away at college. We have been having discussions about the different things we do/don't do for our children. She was still making their beds during high school.

Her youngest works at the movie theatres & last night she mentioned that she always stayed up until he got home, even if worked until 2 a.m. because he would be hungry when he got home & she would fix him something to eat. She said now that he is gone she can't do that for him anymore.

I always tell her that she is a better mom than I am because I would not dream of doing the things she does for her kids. I always tell her that my DD's are old enough to take care of themselves, If they are hungry they'll eat & if they choose to live in a room that is a mess that is their space & their business how they want it to look.

I, personally, don't think she is doing her sons any favors (or her future DIL's!!).

So, how much do you do for your adult children as far as still taking care of them.

BTW - I'm not cold hearted, I still do things for my kids............I do everyone's laundry. I make sure there is enough dinner made so when someone comes home from work they have something waiting for them, but I certainly couldn't wait up to cook something special for them & if they want something washed so they can wear it they know how to work the washer & dryer.

I'm with you, 100%. I even went so far with my DSDs that if their laundry was in the hamper then I would wash it. However, if the hamper was empty and they decided to bring 2 weeks worth of laundry and dump it in there then that was their problem - not mine. Meaning, bring your dirty clothes to the hamper daily and not in one fell swoop. Because just when I thought I was done they would dump 3 loads of wash on me. Nope, not going to happen!!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

It is nice to help out the kids. However, seems to me that a parents job, at least in part, it to make our children self-sufficient. Doing everything for them isn't going to get that done.

I feel badly for this woman, sounds like she desperately needs to feel needed and is attempting to have her boys be dependent on her.


At every birthday, my DD was given a new responsibility as well as a new privilege (that corresponded with her age and maturity). I pray that I have done well by her and that when she leaves home she will have the skills and self confidence to utilize what she has been given.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm with you, 100%. I even went so far with my DSDs that if their laundry was in the hamper then I would wash it. However, if the hamper was empty and they decided to bring 2 weeks worth of laundry and dump it in there then that was their problem - not mine. Meaning, bring your dirty clothes to the hamper daily and not in one fell swoop. Because just when I thought I was done they would dump 3 loads of wash on me. Nope, not going to happen!!

Same here.

If your floor is covered in dirty clothes, guess you don't need them too badly, to you?

However, if you do dump your clothes in the hamper after I have just finished laundry, you (yes, I'm talking to you, 13 year old DS) will have to either wait until I do laundry next time (which will be in a couple days) or schlep your sorry butt to the basement and do a load of clothes.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I'm with you, MELSMICE. I "do" for my children in a loving way, but that's just too much. Sh'es not really doing them any favors. LIke the laundry thing--I'm happy to do laundry (well, "happy" might be an exageration...) if I know they need a uniform and they give me a day's notice. Beyond that, they bring their laundry downstairs, and I get to it in the next couple days. DD15 and DS13 are capable of running the washer and dryer if they need something sooner.

As to the staying up late thing--no way would I do this. I would leave out a favorite snack perhaps, but I would be sound asleep.

I really wonder if your neighbor has a martyr complex, and wants her children to know how she's slaved and suffered, without thought to her personal needs. How selfless she is! But really, she's not raising her children to cope with the world. Sadly, the boys will probably end up marrying girls who were raised to cater to their man's every need.

 

[Domas]

Everybody is different, if she is happy to be that kind of Mum, why not, I am doing things some of my friends wouldn`t do, but I love doing them. Who can say what is ok and what is not....if they are good people.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

More important question to me is if she had dd's instead of girl's would that make a difference?

Now to answer your question, no way in heck would I do that however I am not OCD about housekeeping.

If my sister had kids she probably would be doing laundry and making beds because of her OCD not because she is helping them out. She has to have things "clean" and in "place".

My SIL is also OCD and I noticed she cleans as well. It has nothing to do with overdoing for the kids.

So it depends on the real reason why she cleans.

 

[golfgal]

I had a roommate in college that senior year did not know how to change a roll of toilet paper-I swore my kids would be much better prepared for life than that. No, I would not stay up until 2 am to cook for my kids when they were that age and before that age they wouldn't be up until 2 am anyway. If my kids don't get their laundry down when I am doing laundry, they either do their own or deal with dirty clothes (they often do their own anyway). My kids could pretty much live on their own now and not really have any issues with house upkeep, taking care of themselves, etc. DS18 has already commented on the number of kids in his dorm that don't even know how to do basic cleaning or laundry. No, she is NOT doing anyone any favors.

 

[HelenePA]

I am a mom not a maid... I make the kids clean their own rooms, I do the laundry just because with 6 of us here it piles up too quickly to wait for anyone else to start and then finish when they find time.. I will help you make a snack but please try to do it yourself first. I will NOT be cooking annyone anything at 2am... I dont care who they are unless they are an infant who wants to eat... excuse me now I gotta go clean up my sons newest mess... he found the toothpaste and its all over his butt... 30 seconds out of site and this is what happens... when will I learn?

 

[disykat]

I am curious about what her MIL is like. My DH's mom was sort of this way, which makes me pretty purposeful in terms of fostering independence in my kids.

I agree with the others. It's fun to "do" for your kids every once in a while, but it's our job to make sure they are independent. To me, it sounds like this mom is ignoring that part of her job.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

It really depends. How often does she do it? Does she not see them often where they come home from coolege and she treats them like royally for a bit. NO I would do it if they lived at home and they just didn't want to do this stuff. Yes maybe I would do some of it if they were in college and I didn't see them often

 

[Arielle22]

My MIL was that type of mom. When DH and I first started dating we were watching tv in his room. He yelled out to his mom (in the kitchen) to make him a sandwich.

I told him he needed to get up and make it himself, that his mother was not a servant. We have been married almost 25 years and if I let him, he would still expect me to do everything for him.

I usually make dinner for the family. However my daughters are perfectly able to make something themselves if needed.

When I was young my grandmother lived with us. My older brother and sister came home from work at the same time. My grandmother started telling my sister to make her brother dinner, that he must be hungry.

My brother was named after my deceased grandfather so my grandmother favored him. My sister did not make my brother dinner and somehow he survived.

 

[Magpie]

I have some sympathy for her. I enjoy feeding my family! I get a real kick out of it, and my husband is always properly grateful, even when my kids aren't. It's my way of showing them I love them.

On the other hand, I'm going to be unavailable to for three days this weekend. Last night my son asked me if I'd cook up 3 days worth of meals for them, and I just laughed at him. I said, "You know how to cook! Make your own meals!" When my husband heard about it his response was, "Well, I was going to order a lot of takeout, but maybe I'll get the boy to cook for us instead."

So... I think if this arrangement makes the lady happy - AND she isn't giving them the impression that their wives will someday do this for them - then she might as well go right ahead and fill her boots.

P.S. My kids do dishes.

 

[ilovejack02]

It really depends. How often does she do it? Does she not see them often where they come home from coolege and she treats them like royally for a bit. NO I would do it if they lived at home and they just didn't want to do this stuff. Yes maybe I would do some of it if they were in college and I didn't see them often

When DSS21 was living at home, I didn't run behind him to do his laundry or cook meals when he got home late at night, esp since he was a cook at restaurant lol, he had better brought me left overs home ; ).

Now when he comes home, I baby him a bit more because we miss him and don't see him but once a month or so. I would have to laugh though if he showed up with laundry and tell him to take it back to his apartment since I know he has a set there.

 

[scrapbookworm]

That sounds exactly like my MIL. One time, a long time ago so my memory is fuzzy, when we went to visit her (6 hours away), we took her shopping or something. All she could fret about was being home in time to cook dinner for her other (grown) son. Obsessing fretting about not having dinner ready for him. DH made a comment to the effect of "can't he find something to eat on his own?". She said that her son worked hard, and deserved to come home to a home cooked meal.

That might be true, but it doesn't hurt a person to have to make a sandwich himself, heat up leftovers, or make a run to a fast food place every once in a while.

 

[joviroxx]

Why the jumping to conclusion that this mom has raised kids that aren't self-sufficient. Just because she enjoys doing things for them doesn't necessarily mean that she hasn't taught them how to do it for themselves...

Just because there are mom's that enjoy being that way doesnt mean their kids are growing up to be lazy, useless momma's boys or girls. The opposite end of the spectrum (and I know an extreme) are these parents that , in their need to claim some kind of superiority or whatever, find that boasting that their kids do everything themselves makes them better parents!

 

[NMAmy]

When dd comes home from college, I do tend to spoil her a bit more than I ever did when she lived at home. I make her favorite meals and do a few loads of laundry for her.

It makes her feel good to be spoiled and it makes me feel good to be needed. The laundry is only for the first couple of days, though, and the meals are at regularly scheduled meal times.

I do think it's important to teach your child life skills. My slob of a dd is complaining that her roommate doesn't know how to sweep and mop and she had to teach her.

 

[MELSMICE]

I'm with you, MELSMICE. I "do" for my children in a loving way, but that's just too much. Sh'es not really doing them any favors. LIke the laundry thing--I'm happy to do laundry (well, "happy" might be an exageration...) if I know they need a uniform and they give me a day's notice. Beyond that, they bring their laundry downstairs, and I get to it in the next couple days. DD15 and DS13 are capable of running the washer and dryer if they need something sooner.

As to the staying up late thing--no way would I do this. I would leave out a favorite snack perhaps, but I would be sound asleep.

I really wonder if your neighbor has a martyr complex, and wants her children to know how she's slaved and suffered, without thought to her personal needs. How selfless she is! But really, she's not raising her children to cope with the world. Sadly, the boys will probably end up marrying girls who were raised to cater to their man's every need.

I don't think it's a martyr complex. She says she just enjoys doing these things. When they picked up her oldest son from college last May & saw his dorm room she told her DH & 2 sons to leave & go to lunch so she could clean everything up & get it all packed.

Everybody is different, if she is happy to be that kind of Mum, why not, I am doing things some of my friends wouldn`t do, but I love doing them. Who can say what is ok and what is not....if they are good people.

She has been a SAHM for 20 years now. She looks as this as her job & she needs to take care of her DH & sons. I get that, but I also believe she needs to let them become more independent.

It really depends. How often does she do it? Does she not see them often where they come home from coolege and she treats them like royally for a bit. NO I would do it if they lived at home and they just didn't want to do this stuff. Yes maybe I would do some of it if they were in college and I didn't see them often

No, she's done this since the day I met her. We would be sitting outside socializing with all our neighbors & our kids would be inside watching a movie. One of her sons would poke their head out & say, "Mom, I'm hungry & she'd jump up to make something." I'd like at her like she was nuts, but then she'd look at me like I was crazy when one of my DD's would tell me they were hungry & I'd say, "Ok, there's all kinds of things in the house to eat, go take a look & let me know what you come up with."

Someone mentioned her MIL. She passed away a few years ago & I never knew her, however, she has always said that she idolized her MIL & wanted to be just like her. She was also a SAHM.

Over the last year or so her DH has tried to get her to just let things be & not do so much for their sons. She's been trying, but finds it very difficult.

I'm not trying to bash her because she is a wonderful person. I just think you need to let your kids do for themselves, especially now-a-days. We are way past 1950!

 

[bgirldeb]

While i think it is nice to do things for your family, it is also nice for kids to learn how to do things for themselves.

Fixing something to eat for someone at 2am is ridiculous IMO.