Would you consider this to be "having an affair"?

[nwdisgal]

I think the biggest problem isn't the lunch, it's that he's sharing these "deep, intimate" things with her. Why does he feel the need to share these things with her? Why doesn't he share them with his wife? If he IS sharing them with his wife, why does he also share them with this friend? Maybe the wife feels like she is not that special...I mean he is sharing these intimate feelings with another women.

I'm not married but I imagine if my wife were sharing deep, intimate feelings with another man, I would not be pleased.

Yes. I don't even think it has anything with the wife being insecure. How about she's using some common sense and gut instinct and she's not far off in her concerns. Women tend to form emotional attachments and feel intimacy with their mate through their emotions. Men are attracted physically to their mate and feel intimacy through physical connection. I can see why this woman would potentially feel threatened by the relationship. I don't have any problems with opposite sex friendships, but there also needs to be a balance. My concern if I were his wife would be this other woman forming an emotional attachment to her husband and then it moving from there into something physical. The fact that the husband didn't mention it makes me consider that he had some misgivings about this lunch partner's intentions. I think it is a good wake up call for the couple, and a chance to relook at putting some much needed focus back into their relationship. There are actually some really good relationship books on the market and counseling is an option, too.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

It doesn't necessarily sound like an affair to me but the line can be very thin. It's a shame that this lady had so little trust for her husband to begin with.

Obviously she had something to NOT trust him about! I think that when you are married that your wife/husband should be the only person of the opposite sex that you have a serious relationship with..*meaning sex and emotions* Casually talking to another woman or man at work or whereever is of course not cheating..but carrying on lunches...unknown to the wife..is DEFINATLY cheating! I would have left my husband over this. Sex is Sex. But Feelings and Emotions are what a Marriage is all about! I would have been more likley to take him back had he had just sex with another woman, than if he were having an intimate emotional affair with someone else.

I hope that things are better now, and that you have figured out whats best for you.

 

[mommaU4]

Obviously she had something to NOT trust him about! I think that when you are married that your wife/husband should be the only person of the opposite sex that you have a serious relationship with..*meaning sex and emotions* Casually talking to another woman or man at work or whereever is of course not cheating..but carrying on lunches...unknown to the wife..is DEFINATLY cheating! I would have left my husband over this. Sex is Sex. But Feelings and Emotions are what a Marriage is all about! I would have been more likley to take him back had he had sex with another woman, than if he were having an intimate emotional affair with someone else.

I hope that things are better now, and that you have figured out whats best for you.

Oh boy, what have I started!
Perhaps I used the wrong word when I said intimate in regards to their conversations.
He said they talked about alot of things...friends, her family, our family, his goals/ambitions towards work.
I guess the specific topic that upset me was he talked about my pregnancy with the twins and how it was so hard for me and how I got really depressed because it was so difficult.
And he told her about my struggles with weight loss/gain, which to me is very personal. I don't even talk to my family about that, so to me that was an "intimate" detail. Others discuss their weight freely to whoever will listen so they wouldn't see what the big deal was.

Things are really fine now. This was 5 years ago after all and we are still going strong. I think a little "test" like that actually strengthened our commitment. Thanks!

 

[JennaTX]

Since I am a SAHM, one other thought that I had about this is that sometimes when DH tells me about everything going on in his office, lunches, drinks after work, etc. I get jealous, not about who he is doing it with, just that he has more of a "life" outside of the home (especially when the kids were babies). A lot of my friends have also felt this way, when you have a bad day with spit up in your hair and your spouse is having a 2 hour lunch, lol! So if you already have feelings like this, then that just makes you even more apt to jealousy and mistrust.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

IMO, the fact that he kept these little lunch rendevouxs secret from his wife just validates her trust issues. I look at it this way, if it feels even a tad bit wrong, like the husband thought it did, than it is. It's one thing to have lunch with a coworker and socialize, but this husband was doing it behind his wife's back and during off hours, not to mention the lunches are used to discuss intimate details about each others lives. It all reeks of inappropriateness, and sets the foundation for worse things to happen. Is it an affair? No. But does it toe the line? Yes, and that's when you know it's wrong and needs to stop.

 

[MrsNick]

Neither party is completely "right" in this situation. Hubby shouldn't have kept the lunches & friendship a secret from his wife. BUT, wife has trust issues.

There is nothing wrong with having friendships at work. When I was working & traveling, I was often the only female in the group. I ate lunch with male co-workers almost every day & some of them became good friends.

The issue is the intentions - were his intentions with the co-worker to start up something more than a friendship? Were the wife's initial dislike of the female co-worker really about the other woman's flirtation behaviour or about her own insecurity and/or control issues?

He should have told her.

She did over react.

Was his expectation that she would over-react part of the cause of his secretiveness?

Exactly.

 

[Planogirl]

Obviously she had something to NOT trust him about! I think that when you are married that your wife/husband should be the only person of the opposite sex that you have a serious relationship with..*meaning sex and emotions* Casually talking to another woman or man at work or whereever is of course not cheating..but carrying on lunches...unknown to the wife..is DEFINATLY cheating! I would have left my husband over this. Sex is Sex. But Feelings and Emotions are what a Marriage is all about! I would have been more likley to take him back had he had just sex with another woman, than if he were having an intimate emotional affair with someone else.

I hope that things are better now, and that you have figured out whats best for you.

Forgive me but that's nonsense IMO. Cheating? This isn't in any way cheating. He made a mistake by not telling the OP about the friendship and that's certainly not cheating. It was also a problem that the girl tended to flirt with men but it sounds like she wasn't really aware that she was stepping over any boundaries. Still no cheating.

As for emotions, friendship involves emotions too. I'm married too and both my husband and I have had many lunches with those of the opposite sex and I won't hesitate to do so in the future.

 

[psmomma]

Yes. I don't even think it has anything with the wife being insecure. How about she's using some common sense and gut instinct and she's not far off in her concerns. Women tend to form emotional attachments and feel intimacy with their mate through their emotions. Men are attracted physically to their mate and feel intimacy through physical connection. I can see why this woman would potentially feel threatened by the relationship. I don't have any problems with opposite sex friendships, but there also needs to be a balance. My concern if I were his wife would be this other woman forming an emotional attachment to her husband and then it moving from there into something physical. The fact that the husband didn't mention it makes me consider that he had some misgivings about this lunch partner's intentions. I think it is a good wake up call for the couple, and a chance to relook at putting some much needed focus back into their relationship. There are actually some really good relationship books on the market and counseling is an option, too.

I have to agree... the fact that he never said anything proved that somewhere deep inside he knew it would make his wife mad and did it anyway. I feel like he put his "secret" friendship before his marriage the moment he made that choice.

 

[Mermaid02]

An affair? Not yet.....

He was deceitful and he did lie to his wife, saying nothing can be lying.

The wife should go with her gut, it's probably correct.

 

[urglewurgle]

I consider one of the men I worked with for 30 years one of my closest friends. He was married. I wasn't. We had lunch together almost every day. Sometimes another guy from the office would go to lunch with us. Other times it was just the two of us in a restaurant full of people. We told each other a great deal about our lives. Friends do that. I knew he loved his wife. He was just a very good friend. If a couple has so little trust of each other, I think there is already something wrong with the marriage.

i agree that can be possible... on the other hand... i was in the same situation (as the "other woman") and it turned into a full blown affair (i'm not proud..)... it needs sorting... counselling would be a good idea.. the woman needs to be reassured of the relationship...

 

[dennis99ss]

I am sorry, but this is BS. Why does a man have to tell the wife everything he does, everywhere he goers, and everybody he does something with. Since when is the man the puppy dog on a leash.

I do what I do. You like it or you don't. I tell you or i don't. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. When I don't, its because I don't think you need to know, or, you would not understand, or, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to you for everything I do. I don't ask what you've been doing when the kids are at school, who you had lunch with today, what you talked about.

I do not need to know every detail of your life, and you don't need to know every detail of my life. It's called trust people.

 

[urglewurgle]

i agree that you shouldn't have to tell her all that stuff at all... but it's when someone is ACTIVELY hiding something kwim? there is a difference...

if he'd mentioned.. "oh, me and blah went for lunch today..." or whatever....

i dunno, just the lying makes it seem *bad*

how would you feel if it was the other way around?

 

[palmtreegirl]

No, I wouldn't consider that having an affair.

 

[Crankyshank]

I absolutely do not consider it an affair and I just don't understand what the big deal is with him talking about the subjects he is talking to the friend about? He is confiding/venting to his friend. Talking about the pregnancy and its effects is probably him venting and looking for advice on what he should do in the situation. Doesn't anyone confide similar things or look for advice from their friends of the same sex?

I do think he should have told you about the lunches, but in all honesty he might have kept it from you to avoid confrontation or because he didn't see the need to bring it up in conversation. My DH has a very good female friend that he calls on the phone and occasionally meets up with for lunch if he's in the area. I know he's not having an affair and he doesn't always tell me he's spoken to or saw her. Is it because he's keeping something from me? No. He's a man and telling me something like that doesn't always occur to him. I have male friends and often go to lunch with them. Again I don't always mention it to my husband, but I'm not having an affair. I probably also say things that could be considered to others as flirting and in no way do I mean them to be a come on.

I'm wondering why it's still an issue if 5yrs have passed since this occurred. That raises a red flag with me a lot more than the husband not telling about the lunches.

 

[Marseeya]

I am sorry, but this is BS. Why does a man have to tell the wife everything he does, everywhere he goers, and everybody he does something with. Since when is the man the puppy dog on a leash.

I do what I do. You like it or you don't. I tell you or i don't. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. When I don't, its because I don't think you need to know, or, you would not understand, or, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to you for everything I do. I don't ask what you've been doing when the kids are at school, who you had lunch with today, what you talked about.

I do not need to know every detail of your life, and you don't need to know every detail of my life. It's called trust people.

But who are you to say it's BS? If what you have works for you and your wife and it makes you happy, then good for you!

In my marriage, this isn't about my DH being a "puppy dog on a leash," it's a matter of consideration and respect. We care about what the other does during the day when we're not together. We get little enough time together and we'd like to hear about the other's day. Do we "need" to know? No. But it works for us.

 

[disykat]

I am sorry, but this is BS. Why does a man have to tell the wife everything he does, everywhere he goers, and everybody he does something with. Since when is the man the puppy dog on a leash.

I do what I do. You like it or you don't. I tell you or i don't. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. When I don't, its because I don't think you need to know, or, you would not understand, or, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to you for everything I do. I don't ask what you've been doing when the kids are at school, who you had lunch with today, what you talked about.

I do not need to know every detail of your life, and you don't need to know every detail of my life. It's called trust people.

Seriously? You don't talk about what you do when you are apart? I can't even imagine that. That's pretty routine dinner conversation for us. Our whole family knows what we did, who we saw, who the kids played with, etc. Even when dh travels, we talk on the phone and tell each other about our days. I can't imagine dh having a friend I didn't know about.

 

[Planogirl]

My DH and I have never discussed every detail either. Our work lives were always distinctly different and even some aspects of our private lives. That's just where we're comfortable.

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

I don't consider this an "emotional affair". It is an issue of love and trust. I would never tell my wife she couldn't talk/meet with anyone because I love and trust her and she wouldn't do that to me because she loves and trusts me. The real issue here is that they don't trust each other. I think that is the issue they should deal with.

 

[WeirdEyes]

Why is it ok to go to lunch, share personal moments, etc with a same-sex friend, but if it is an opposite-sex friend - it is immediately an affair? If a woman goes to lunch with a best girlfriend and shares with this friend - are they having an affair? If the guys go out and discuss their marriages - are they having an affair?

The husband was wrong to keep it quiet. However, although it may be warped, he was trying to protect the feelings of his wife. I have to agree with FeralPeg, with what little we know about the situation - it does seem that there was a pre-existing trust issue in the marriage in the first place. Otherwise the wife wouldn't be jealous and the husband wouldn't have felt the need to hide his friendship due to perhaps upsetting his wife. Counseling seems to be in order - but for the deeper issues of trust.

ITA! Couldn't have said it better myself.