Would you consider this to be "having an affair"?

[vickyBaby]

The wife is the one with the problem. No wonder he didn't tell his wife that he went to lunch with a co-worker. She (the wife) is the insecure one.

I would not classify this as an affair.

 

[horseshowmom]

Husband has a single female co-worker who has a rep. for being a big flirt. Wife has met her and does not like her for this reason and tells husband so.
Months pass.

Wife finds out husband has been having lunches with co-worker at cafe where they work and once outside of work.

Husband never mentioned it to wife because he knew wife would not approve. Instead chose to keep having the lunches and keep it a secret so wife would not get mad and make him stop.

Nothing physical ever happens but they become very close friends, sharing intimate details of their lives such as fears, hopes, goals, dreams, etc.
Wife is furious. Husband admits when he was having the lunches it felt somehow wrong but didn't let that stop him. Tells co-worker he can no longer associate with her.

I think there are some important points here that may not be being addressed.

1) The woman has a reputation for being a big flirt. We've all met this type. She's not just some nice lady at work that he's friends with. Most of us wouldn't like her too much either - particularly when her "attentions" were being directed at our husband.

2) Husband never mentioned his "newfound friendship". He admits that it felt wrong. I think that might be called "his conscience", because he was sneaking around to a point. He knew perfectly well why his wife didn't like/trust this person, but I'm quite sure he was flattered by her attention.

3) If the husband was "keeping secrets" from his wife, I agree that he needs to stay away from the other woman. They may or may not have had problems in their marriage, that's impossible for us to know, but I do know that another person outside the marriage can create problems.

 

[sue1013]

I work with all males and am very close to one of them. He's a great friend we share many things just like I would with a female friend and he shares with me. DH has enough respect for me not to ever tell me who I can or cannot have lunch with or be friends with. I have the same respect for him IMO it shows you don't think of your spouse as a person rather a posession of yours. I certainly don't want to be thought of as a posession.

 

[diznygirl]

As a SAHM, I'm the one having lunch with my husband! I get dressed, take the kids, meet him at the office, say Hi to a few co-workers, and off to lunch we go. I trust him, but it keeps the focus on us as a couple and a family.

I think the wife over-reacted a little to hubby's lunch with the girl, but hubby is in the doghouse for not being truthful. Off-setting penalties!

 

[Planogirl]

I guess that I don't have problems with flirts. My husband has had a few male friends in the past that were big flirts and I just ignored it. As long as one doesn't act on it, I don't see the big deal.

Also, those who say that he shouldn't keep something from his wife, do you think it's OK for his wife to set the rules? I can't get past that part.

 

[bettyann29]

I dont know that I think of it as an "affair" but I think he was wrong for several reasons.. One being he knew that his wife had a problem with this other person.. the second being that he felt wrong doing it behind her back.. that tells me he knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldnt have felt bad.. The part I think I would have been upset about is.. if he is hiding this from her, what else could/would he hide?? How did the wife find out about it? Did she "catch" them or did he tell her about it?

 

[mommaU4]

I think there are some important points here that may not be being addressed.

1) The woman has a reputation for being a big flirt. We've all met this type. She's not just some nice lady at work that he's friends with. Most of us wouldn't like her too much either - particularly when her "attentions" were being directed at our husband.

2) Husband never mentioned his "newfound friendship". He admits that it felt wrong. I think that might be called "his conscience", because he was sneaking around to a point. He knew perfectly well why his wife didn't like/trust this person, but I'm quite sure he was flattered by her attention.

3) If the husband was "keeping secrets" from his wife, I agree that he needs to stay away from the other woman. They may or may not have had problems in their marriage, that's impossible for us to know, but I do know that another person outside the marriage can create problems.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

 

[Marseeya]

I guess that I don't have problems with flirts. My husband has had a few male friends in the past that were big flirts and I just ignored it. As long as one doesn't act on it, I don't see the big deal.

Also, those who say that he shouldn't keep something from his wife, do you think it's OK for his wife to set the rules? I can't get past that part.

No, but he should have been an adult and stood up for himself and told her he WAS having the friendship and that's that.

 

[mommaU4]

I dont know that I think of it as an "affair" but I think he was wrong for several reasons.. One being he knew that his wife had a problem with this other person.. the second being that he felt wrong doing it behind her back.. that tells me he knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldnt have felt bad.. The part I think I would have been upset about is.. if he is hiding this from her, what else could/would he hide?? How did the wife find out about it? Did she "catch" them or did he tell her about it?

He told me about it......

 

[halestrm]

I consider one of the men I worked with for 30 years one of my closest friends. He was married. I wasn't. We had lunch together almost every day. Sometimes another guy from the office would go to lunch with us. Other times it was just the two of us in a restaurant full of people. We told each other a great deal about our lives. Friends do that. I knew he loved his wife. He was just a very good friend. If a couple has so little trust of each other, I think there is already something wrong with the marriage.

But don't most married couples talk about their friends? The fact that he felt something was wrong with it AND he kept it a secret is the issue.

I trust my husband completely, but he understands that I believe appearance is important. A teenage female should never be behind a closed bedroom door with a teenage male; even if they aren't doing anything. WHY? Because of the appearance.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I think there are some important points here that may not be being addressed.

1) The woman has a reputation for being a big flirt. We've all met this type. She's not just some nice lady at work that he's friends with. Most of us wouldn't like her too much either - particularly when her "attentions" were being directed at our husband.

2) Husband never mentioned his "newfound friendship". He admits that it felt wrong. I think that might be called "his conscience", because he was sneaking around to a point. He knew perfectly well why his wife didn't like/trust this person, but I'm quite sure he was flattered by her attention.

3) If the husband was "keeping secrets" from his wife, I agree that he needs to stay away from the other woman. They may or may not have had problems in their marriage, that's impossible for us to know, but I do know that another person outside the marriage can create problems.

ITA!!
I've been in a similar situation. New gal comes to work at our office. Immediately starts hitting on all the married, successful agents. NOT the single ones and not the ones that don't make good money, just the married ones with solid careers. One day my DH comes home and tells me that she bought him lunch that day because she was "new in the business" and "wanted to pick his brain". I certainly didn't tell him he couldn't have lunch with her again but I made it very clear that I would have to come along or he would have to take other co-workers along. I also let him know that I thought he was naive, considering she'd already nearly broken up one marriage in the office and that tongues were going to start wagging about him next. BTW I was on maternity leave from the same office at the time. And one more thing, about 2 months later she managed to break up one of the top agent's marriage-they ended living together for several years. She also got that agent to fall "off the wagon" after 10+ years of being clean & sober. What a gal!

 

[jenm2878]

But don't most married couples talk about their friends? The fact that he felt something was wrong with it AND he kept it a secret is the issue.

My fiance knows I am good friends with a male co-worker, and he trusts me completely. (as I trust him) I don't feel the need to tell him every time I have lunch with my friend, because to me it's completely innocent and not a big deal. We both like to leave work at work, so I don't feel the need to tell him who I had coffee with when I came in or who I grabbed lunch with. Just my opinion.

 

[halestrm]

I still remember a wonderful guy I knew who had tons of friends of both sexes and was very warm and open to everyone. He fell for this gal and she told him that he could no longer talk to anyone female much less hang out with them. He continued to do so but kept it hidden. I was never comfortable with his way of dealing with it but then her telling him who he could socialize with was even worse IMO. She was his girlfriend not his master for crying out loud.

Like my friend, he should have told his wife that he would see who he wished especially during lunch. Then he should have kept quiet about his and his wife's relationship to honor her wishes but that's it IMO.

I don't think the wife had a problem with all females but this one.

There is a female my husband works with that I don't want him hanging with, period. I have been uncomfortable with her from the beginning, my gut just twists. She has been divorced multiple times and is easy. I know my husband just wants to try to help her with her current situation; she is going through a divorce and is getting no support. The problem is I was looking for my husband at one of our BBQ parties. She was at our party. I couldn't find my husband and went to our bedroom to see if there was a problem. They were in there. Both were fully clothed and were just talking. He said she told him she had to talk to him privately. My response was that NO other woman will every be in my bedroom. After that I told him I do not want him to be alone with her.

 

[Free4Life11]

I think the biggest problem isn't the lunch, it's that he's sharing these "deep, intimate" things with her. Why does he feel the need to share these things with her? Why doesn't he share them with his wife? If he IS sharing them with his wife, why does he also share them with this friend? Maybe the wife feels like she is not that special...I mean he is sharing these intimate feelings with another women.

I'm not married but I imagine if my wife were sharing deep, intimate feelings with another man, I would not be pleased.

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

Ya, why is it when a man tells things to a woman it's an affair but if he told them to another man it's ok? Sheesh.

And what is with women who don't "allow" their husbands to have women freinds?

Same thing goes with reverse roles.

And FYI, "big flirt" does not equal a word I cannot say here. Flirting is not cheating. Flirting is flirting and it's harmless.

 

[SGB13]

If he was doing something he knew would upset his wife, he was in the wrong. Does he realize how bad he hurt her? Yes, they may not have had a true affair, but there are "emotional affairs". If he was confiding personal things with her, things he should have only been talking with hia wife about, it is just as bad to her. What's done is done. They should get counselling to put the marriage back together, and see if they had any underlying issues to create the problem. Yes, he was in the wrong. But no matter how much it hurts her to realize it, there is usually a reason when something like this happens. Good luck to them both.

 

[halestrm]

My fiance knows I am good friends with a male co-worker, and he trusts me completely. (as I trust him) I don't feel the need to tell him every time I have lunch with my friend, because to me it's completely innocent and not a big deal. We both like to leave work at work, so I don't feel the need to tell him who I had coffee with when I came in or who I grabbed lunch with. Just my opinion.

I don't think you need to tell them everytime, but would you ever keep a friend a complete secret?

 

[pmcpmc]

if the women instead had been a gay man would that also be a problem?
What if she was a lesbian would it be ok then?
What if it was a straight man would that be ok?
Do youpreapprove all your husband's friends?

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Wrong thread! Sorry.


Carry on.

 

[Marseeya]

if the women instead had been a gay man would that also be a problem?
What if she was a lesbian would it be ok then?
What if it was a straight man would that be ok?
Do youpreapprove all your husband's friends?

What does that have to do with it? It wasn't a gay man, it wasn't a lesbian, and it wasn't a straight man. It was a woman who flirts.

Huge difference.