Would you consider this to be "having an affair"?

[mommaU4]

Okay, here's the scenerio. Long story. Bear with me.

There's a couple, married approx. 7 yrs., husband works, wife stays home with the kids.

Husband has a single female co-worker who has a rep. for being a big flirt. Wife has met her and does not like her for this reason and tells husband so.
Months pass.

Wife finds out husband has been having lunches with co-worker at cafe where they work and once outside of work.

Husband never mentioned it to wife because he knew wife would not approve. Instead chose to keep having the lunches and keep it a secret so wife would not get mad and make him stop.

Nothing physical ever happens but they become very close friends, sharing intimate details of their lives such as fears, hopes, goals, dreams, etc.
Wife is furious. Husband admits when he was having the lunches it felt somehow wrong but didn't let that stop him. Tells co-worker he can no longer associate with her.
Marriage is very tense and stressed. Wife feels as though she can no longer trust husband and that husband cared more about being with co-worker than about any feelings the wife had.

So..... what do you all think? He didn't outright lie, but he did omit alot. There was nothing physical but sometimes an "emotional affair" can be more intense. Can men and women ever really be just friends? Shouldn't he have told her? Or did she over-react?

Would love to hear from men and women both. Thanks.

 

[Tiggeroo]

yep emotional affair. I'd be po'd and insist on some counseling. Try to find what void there is in the relationship that causes h to be such a jerk.

 

[DVCLiz]

Definite emotional affair. Definitely wrong - the tip off is that he kept it secret after he knew his wife was uncomfortable witht he relationship.

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't know. Personally, I wouldn't be happy about this because my DH is very quiet and if he was opening himself (thoughts dreams etc.) to someone else besides me, I'd be very hurt. I think the fact that he has stopped eating lunch with her says a lot for him and I would try very hard to move on. I'd probably talk to him about the possiblity of our marriage needing counseling. Some men share more of themselves than others. I cut hair for a living and I have male clients who are more quiet but some share all kinds of stuff with me. I always hope they are as chatty with their wives as they are with me.
I hope this couple can work things out. Marriage is never 'easy'.

 

[Planogirl]

It doesn't necessarily sound like an affair to me but the line can be very thin. It's a shame that this lady had so little trust for her husband to begin with.

 

[TxDisneyFan]

I'd have to agree that this sounds like an emotional affair. For whatever reason, he is getting his emotional needs satisfied through the co-worker. Been there, done that. Got the scars to prove it.

Trust is something that is earned through deeds, not words. It will take a long time before she is comfortable and can trust again.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

hubby is in the dog house. Deservedly. You do not conceal relationships with the opposite sex from your spouse. It smells of infidelity even if it is not physical.



I asked DH--thinks relationship is reparable--that the hubby didn't do anything wrong...but that there was something wrong with their relatioship to begin with. Nothing wrong with him having lunch with the woman, but he should have been open about it. At the same time--he says that the wife cannot rule who the husband interacts with. Now I'm mad at hubby b/c he says their conversation subject matter isn't a big deal, but then offered this explanatio which make sense.

I'm an extrovert, he is an introvert.

I have lots of relationships on a lower level and he will have less relationships on a higher level. He is more prone to engage in one on one conversation with whomever than I would be that could lead to deep philosophical discussions that are not necessarily taboo in general terms. It takes me longer to open up to people in this level of detail.

I hope that makes sense. My hubby is out of the dog house.

 

[Feralpeg]

I consider one of the men I worked with for 30 years one of my closest friends. He was married. I wasn't. We had lunch together almost every day. Sometimes another guy from the office would go to lunch with us. Other times it was just the two of us in a restaurant full of people. We told each other a great deal about our lives. Friends do that. I knew he loved his wife. He was just a very good friend. If a couple has so little trust of each other, I think there is already something wrong with the marriage.

 

[VSL]

Wouldn't be happy with this at all.

BTW... is this a fictional/personal/friends situation story? Do share

 

[tiggersmom2]

It doesn't necessarily sound like an affair to me but the line can be very thin. It's a shame that this lady had so little trust for her husband to begin with.

MTE!

 

[caitycaity]

I consider one of the men I worked with for 30 years one of my closest friends. He was married. I wasn't. We had lunch together almost every day. Sometimes another guy from the office would go to lunch with us. Other times it was just the two of us in a restaurant full of people. We told each other a great deal about our lives. Friends do that. I knew he loved his wife. He was just a very good friend. If a couple has so little trust of each other, I think there is already something wrong with the marriage.

i pretty much agree with this. i have some verey good friends that are male and single. sometimes we hang out without dh. not because he is not invited, but because he can't come. i would never tell my dh he could not be alone with someone.

 

[Independent]

Why is it ok to go to lunch, share personal moments, etc with a same-sex friend, but if it is an opposite-sex friend - it is immediately an affair? If a woman goes to lunch with a best girlfriend and shares with this friend - are they having an affair? If the guys go out and discuss their marriages - are they having an affair?

The husband was wrong to keep it quiet. However, although it may be warped, he was trying to protect the feelings of his wife. I have to agree with FeralPeg, with what little we know about the situation - it does seem that there was a pre-existing trust issue in the marriage in the first place. Otherwise the wife wouldn't be jealous and the husband wouldn't have felt the need to hide his friendship due to perhaps upsetting his wife. Counseling seems to be in order - but for the deeper issues of trust.

 

[dennis99ss]

JEEZ, you women always blow things so far out of proportion. Since his pants did not come off, get over it. The guy did nothing wrong. Sounds like the wife has a complex, is jealous of the other gal, does not like the idea of her man talked to another. However, he came home at night, so, no big deal. Live with it, or, you may just push your man so he does take his pants off......with this gal (but probably not as it sounds like they have a friendship) or with someone else.

Not every guy who talks to women, etc. is cheating, etc.

 

[rascalmom]

Neither party is completely "right" in this situation. Hubby shouldn't have kept the lunches & friendship a secret from his wife. BUT, wife has trust issues.

There is nothing wrong with having friendships at work. When I was working & traveling, I was often the only female in the group. I ate lunch with male co-workers almost every day & some of them became good friends.

The issue is the intentions - were his intentions with the co-worker to start up something more than a friendship? Were the wife's initial dislike of the female co-worker really about the other woman's flirtation behaviour or about her own insecurity and/or control issues?

He should have told her.

She did over react.

Was his expectation that she would over-react part of the cause of his secretiveness?

 

[Planogirl]

I still remember a wonderful guy I knew who had tons of friends of both sexes and was very warm and open to everyone. He fell for this gal and she told him that he could no longer talk to anyone female much less hang out with them. He continued to do so but kept it hidden. I was never comfortable with his way of dealing with it but then her telling him who he could socialize with was even worse IMO. She was his girlfriend not his master for crying out loud.

Like my friend, he should have told his wife that he would see who he wished especially during lunch. Then he should have kept quiet about his and his wife's relationship to honor her wishes but that's it IMO.

 

[MerryPoppins]

This is a tricky situation. I don't necessarily think it's wrong for a married man to have a lunch friend that is a woman. If my husband went to lunch regularly with one of his co-workers I wouldn't have a problem with it. However, he would be honest with me and he knows I trust him.

The story the OP shared is different. He wasn't honest and she didn't want him spending time alone with that woman - so trust was lacking. So I think it was an emotional affair.

Yes, I believe men and women can just be friends. I had several close relationships in college that were platonic. Men that I had absolutely no romantic feelings for. There are a couple of men at our church that I've come to know through our small group. I could easily talk to them about things that are close to my heart if I needed a friend. I feel that close to them. My DH would have no problem with that. In fact, he'd probably encourage me. And I'd have no problem if he wanted to talk to one of his women friends. We've been married for 21 years and there is a lot of trust in our relationship. However, I must add that DH and I are the best of friends, so we usually talk to each other. I don't feel much need to go to someone else when I have him to talk things out with.

 

[jenm2878]

I consider one of the men I worked with for 30 years one of my closest friends. He was married. I wasn't. We had lunch together almost every day. Sometimes another guy from the office would go to lunch with us. Other times it was just the two of us in a restaurant full of people. We told each other a great deal about our lives. Friends do that. I knew he loved his wife. He was just a very good friend. If a couple has so little trust of each other, I think there is already something wrong with the marriage.

I'm in this situation now. A (engaged BTW) male co-worker and I are good friends and we lunch all the time. Sometimes other people come, sometimes it's just us. I'm getting married in a couple of weeks. I have a great relationship with my fiance, and he also does with his. Doesn't mean we can't be friends because we're of the opposite sex.

 

[luvmydogs]

...Husband admits when he was having the lunches it felt somehow wrong but didn't let that stop him.

This says a lot to me. When I have lunch with a friend--man or woman, at work or outside of it--it never "feels wrong." And I don't conceal it from my spouse.

I'm not sure why when a wife is concerned about fidelity on the part of her husband, she is accused of being "jealous" or "having a complex." She may have just been concerned for her marriage and children. I also don't buy the "you'll force him to take his pants off" excuse. No one can force that of another human being outside sexual assault--it is a choice one makes. A man or woman in a committed adult relationship makes responsible sexual choices.

Did she overreact? Maybe, but I can perfectly understand why the wife would be upset. That said, the marriage sounds like it can be worked on, and certainly counseling would be a positive.

 

[jodifla]

As a current SAHM, I think the wife here is out of line to say he can't have lunch with someone. Geez. I had lunch with male co-workers all the time when I was working, both before and after I got married.

She should work on the relationship, instead of trying to run his life from afar.

 

[Marseeya]

My definition of infidelity is, if you can't tell your spouse about whatever it is you're doing, then you're being unfaithful.

My husband and I both have different levels we're comfortable with. I have no problem with him having female friends at work and having personal conversations with them, as long as it's nothing private that should stay between us. I draw the line there. DH, on the other hand, has a much looser definition of infidelity. I could do quite a bit before he'd get upset. And I mean QUITE a bit.

We're comfortable with this arrangement. Works for us.