Would you cancel your vacation?

[lovin'fl]

The Mexico vacation should be rescheduled so the sister can help with the house. It, very likely, could take all 9 days...my inlaws house is so packed full of stuff that even with 3 couples cleaning it...it would still take a long long time. I would be very irritated if one of DH's sisters was on a nice vacation while we were cleaning out that hoard-fest. And I would not put it past eldest sister to pick a week that DH and I are scheduled to vacation...but we would absolutely reschedule the vacation. Ahhhh...the things to look forward to. Good luck OP!!

 

[lizabu]

No question in my mind - I'd reschedule the trip to help my brother. That's just how our family is, though. He'd do the same for me.

I find it kinda sad that some people *wouldn't*.

I find it kind of sad that someone decreed from above that this was the only week it could be done without asking anyone else what they thought or realizing that other people might actually have a life. Just who crowned this person king bleep of turd hill? Unless of course this person knew about the vacation and chose that week on purpose so they could be the martyr.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, hopefully by now you can see that there are ways to alter the plans and make the situation work.

Hire people, get a storage shed, do other things to make it work!

And most importantly do not wait until Feb to get this done. That is just way too stressful.

My parents are moving out in Feb too, and we are going to be moving stuff starting Jan. 1st. I have moved 4 times and moved my parents and sibs many times.

Ideally, you need to have the place emptied or staged with furniture for sale by Jan., so you can work on cleaning the place up for sale in Feb.

 

[abdmom]

BTDT have the T-shirt. We moved my mom into a nursing home in May. Two siblings are local, one lives 3000 miles away. The two siblings scrounged up whoever they could to move out all the stuff, rip up the carpet and the baseboard. We brought in professionals to do the rest of the stuff, including moving the junk out.

We never considered having hard feelings over the sibling who was 3000 miles away. Everyone just pitched in and did what they could.

By the way, it took 3 months to get the house in a shape to sell.

 

[crashbb]

So you "simply can't help" any other weekends, but it's not okay for the sibling with the planned vacation to have that issue on the week that works for you?


If this were my two sisters and I, we would have consulted with each other to find a time that works with EVRYBODY's schedules and if one of us "simply couldn't" then the other two would sally forth without her. That's how we roll...but we are a loving and understanding lot with each other.

That was my thought as well. The other sibling is evil and selfish because they cannot do that one weekend, but the OP is great and unselfish despite the fact that they cannot do any other day in the next three months.

Unless the vacationing sib was part of the discussion that decided on that week, agreed to it and just didn't mention the planned vacation, the fact that they cannot help out is as much the OP's fault (and the remaining sibling) as it is theirs.

 

[Minnesota!]

I would send my sibling on vacation and go through and do the house myself (or with the other sibling in your case).

It's what we did when my grandma died/grandpa went into a nursing home. My dad and his sister did the house while their brother was on vacation.

No ill feelings. Anything of "importance" was moved to a different location - aunt's house, storage, etc. everythign else was donated/sold.

It should NOT take 9 days to clear out a house. Maybe 2 days for packing, 1 day for moving it, 1 day for cleaning. 2 max. So 5 days or so total.

When the time comes for my mom, I have one sibling, and should he not be able to help...OH WELL!

 

[Minnie_me]

Thanks for some great ideas, posters. I contacted the sibling with the Mexico vacation this morning and suggested helping out by hiring someone to do some of the dirty work, and helping to pay for a storage facility, and he enthusiastically agreed. Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed with the grief and other emotions involved in a stressful and sad situation, you don't see the obvious solutions. So, thank you!

To the posters who have gotten a bit nasty, and called me a martyr and other choice names --- what's the point of that? I didn't decide on the February work time. Sibling #1 did that. The house needs to be listed asap. Sibling #1 realizes that many of us are teachers and/or have that week off anyway, so the decision was made. I don't understand why people need to start calling names and making accusations. I guess you are just sad, lonely people who like to tell everyone what's wrong with them.

I truly appreciate the ones who gave constructive advice. It will help a lot during this difficult time.

Also --- to those who keep telling me how many days it should/shouldn't take to do this job..............again, not helpful. You really have no idea how long it should take to do this job, and neither do we!!! Not only are we going through Mom's things, but getting the house ready to sell: ripping up carpet, painting, cleaning, etc. But again, thanks for NOT HELPING with your comments. Good grief.

 

[torinsmom]

Feb break is the week of Presidents day where they get the whole week off from school.

Why would you be confused that someone didn't know that? Most states do not have any of that week off. In NC, we don't even have President's Day itself off. Do schools that have that week off go longer into June? We get Christmas break and one week for spring break plus other holidays here and there and get out June 8th.

 

[MrsPete]

Thanks for some great ideas, posters. I contacted the sibling with the Mexico vacation this morning and suggested helping out by hiring someone to do some of the dirty work, and helping to pay for a storage facility, and he enthusiastically agreed. Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed with the grief and other emotions involved in a stressful and sad situation, you don't see the obvious solutions. So, thank you!

This is pretty much what I was going to suggest.

I'm a teacher, and, although we don't get Presidents' Day off in my state, I guessed that they didn't choose that week randomly. It's very hard for teachers to leave lesson plans for a whole week, so they likely couldn't change their date.

Also, I wouldn't be pleased to have to change my airfare, hotel, entertainment reservations -- nor would I want to guilt a sibling into doing it.


If I were the sibling with the plans, when the discussion of February came up, I would've immediately said, "I'm not available these dates -- we have plans." BUT I would've agreed to do something else of equal value at a different time:

- To come in a long weekend in January to get a head-start on some of the cleaning.
- To hire carpet cleaners after the family's done the work.
- To meet with realtors, inspectors, whomever (after the cleaning) to help with the actual sale.
- To hire a yard person to keep the lawn looking good during the time that the house is on the market.
- To pick up the bill for some specific repair that needs to be done.

I'd be sure to discuss this with all the siblings to be sure that they saw this as "my share" of the effort to take care of mom's house. I wouldn't change pre-existing plans, but I also wouldn't leave my siblings to do all that work on their own.

 

[MrsPete]

It should NOT take 9 days to clear out a house. Maybe 2 days for packing, 1 day for moving it, 1 day for cleaning. 2 max. So 5 days or so total.

Yeah, people on HGTV who have a professional crew behind the scenes could do it in a couple days . . . but I'd be surprised if "real people" could do it in 9 days.

 

[Pumbaa_]

so glad to read the update.

Good luck on going through the house. Lots of memories will be rediscovered.

 

[Minnesota!]

Glad you got it resolved. And yes, grief does obscure the "obvious"..

And I am sorry about your mom....how hard.

Yeah, people on HGTV who have a professional crew behind the scenes could do it in a couple days . . . but I'd be surprised if "real people" could do it in 9 days.

We have packed up a whole house, moved, cleaned the old house out, and were done in less than a week...just me and DH...three times. And we didn't take time off of work/school to do it. It can be done. A good plan in place helps. That includes painting rooms, cleaning carpet, deep cleaning...etc.

 

[eliza61]

Since the trip is transferable with no money lost I would do that and help out.

My siblings and I had to do some house cleaning when my grandmother died and no way would I feel right about leaving that to some one else.

 

[eliza61]

I would send my sibling on vacation and go through and do the house myself (or with the other sibling in your case).


It should NOT take 9 days to clear out a house. Maybe 2 days for packing, 1 day for moving it, 1 day for cleaning. 2 max. So 5 days or so total.
When the time comes for my mom, I have one sibling, and should he not be able to help...OH WELL!

Who came up with that number.

It took us a month to get through my grandmothers stuff and 1 week we hired a professional to come in when we had to return home.

LOL, No way on this planet could I pack and have my house empty in 9 days unless you consider just shovelling stuff into garbage bags as packing.

 

[Aliceacc]

My sincere sympathies and prayers for your mom.

I didn't decide on the February work time. Sibling #1 did that.

It seems to me that this is the crux of the whole problem.

Adults don't get to make decisions for other adults. That's not how it works. If three siblings are going to do a job together, then all three need to agree on a time that works, not just one. That may be part of your sibling's decision NOT to change his or plans: the fact that it wasn't a request, it was a mandate.

As to how long it will take: I'm not sure you've allowed enough time. Last year my mom sold the big old Colonial home we grew up in. It took mom and the 5 of us and our spouses weeks and weeks to sort through 50 years of stuff that had accumulated in that home-- photo albums, wedding dresses, china... more stuff than you would believe. It wasn't a matter of throwing everything into a dumpster, it was a matter of dismantling a home. After a while the decisions become mind boggling.

 

[suzannen]

My sincere sympathies and prayers for your mom.



It seems to me that this is the crux of the whole problem.

Adults don't get to make decisions for other adults. That's not how it works. If three siblings are going to do a job together, then all three need to agree on a time that works, not just one. That may be part of your sibling's decision NOT to change his or plans: the fact that it wasn't a request, it was a mandate.

As to how long it will take: I'm not sure you've allowed enough time. Last year my mom sold the big old Colonial home we grew up in. It took mom and the 5 of us and our spouses weeks and weeks to sort through 50 years of stuff that had accumulated in that home-- photo albums, wedding dresses, china... more stuff than you would believe. It wasn't a matter of throwing everything into a dumpster, it was a matter of dismantling a home. After a while the decisions become mind boggling.

I agree - I guess I don't understand why Sibling #1 selected a week when 2 of 3 siblings already had firm vacation plans for that time period? It should have been a decision that was made together. That was a mistake, that and to realize it's often hard to get all siblings calendar on the same page.

I've been in this situation several times already between my own aging parents (my mom has dementia) and my MIL. In each case, it definitely took a lot longer than 9 days to clean out their homes and there was never a time when all of the siblings could be there at once. We staggered it over the course of 2 to 3 months, each doing what they could.

 

[marie1203]

I would move the vacation. I couldn't imagine making my siblings do all the work.

 

[daisax]

Also --- to those who keep telling me how many days it should/shouldn't take to do this job..............again, not helpful. You really have no idea how long it should take to do this job, and neither do we!!! Not only are we going through Mom's things, but getting the house ready to sell: ripping up carpet, painting, cleaning, etc. But again, thanks for NOT HELPING with your comments. Good grief.

I think you got a couple of unpleasantly toned responses, but most people who warned against waiting to the last minute were speaking from experience. These things take time, almost always MORE time than you think they will. Maybe there isn't much "stuff" so you know going in that the majority of the work is just the manual labor of cleaning and painting. But if you're packing and sorting AND doing all that work, allowing a brief period a mere couple of weeks before it MUST be ready seems like you're cutting it really close, especially since you've got many weeks between now and then.

I'm not sure the fitness level of your family members, but I don't know how many middle aged people are going to be able to put in 7-8 15 hour days in a row. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourselves, and it's not necessary given the timeline as you've explained it, so when people warn you it may not be wise, they're not necessarily being mean, simply trying to save you some serious last minute stress.

 

[Ceila]

Thanks for some great ideas, posters. I contacted the sibling with the Mexico vacation this morning and suggested helping out by hiring someone to do some of the dirty work, and helping to pay for a storage facility, and he enthusiastically agreed. Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed with the grief and other emotions involved in a stressful and sad situation, you don't see the obvious solutions. So, thank you!

To the posters who have gotten a bit nasty, and called me a martyr and other choice names --- what's the point of that? I didn't decide on the February work time. Sibling #1 did that. The house needs to be listed asap. Sibling #1 realizes that many of us are teachers and/or have that week off anyway, so the decision was made. I don't understand why people need to start calling names and making accusations. I guess you are just sad, lonely people who like to tell everyone what's wrong with them.

I truly appreciate the ones who gave constructive advice. It will help a lot during this difficult time.

Also --- to those who keep telling me how many days it should/shouldn't take to do this job..............again, not helpful. You really have no idea how long it should take to do this job, and neither do we!!! Not only are we going through Mom's things, but getting the house ready to sell: ripping up carpet, painting, cleaning, etc. But again, thanks for NOT HELPING with your comments. Good grief.

I'm glad you got it worked out with your brother.

As for the rest of your post, holy defensiveness, batman! I read them and even went back and re-read them, and people are trying to be helpful and offer suggestions from experience. Regarding the posts questioning the timing of the clean-out, I think those were very valid points, too. In most families, the three siblings involved would work together to find a good time; one sibling would not just decide for everyone what to do.

 

[Princess Dolly]

I would not change my vacation plans. Whoever picked that particular week should have asked if the others were available. Are all the siblings expected to take off work that whole week to gather at mom's house and clear it out? Seems a bit extreme.

I agree. And I say this with just having cleaned out a house when a loved one passed so we could get in on the market.

ETA: Glad you came to an solution all parties are happy with.