Would you be upset?

[wenrob]

I guess I don't think it needs to be a tit for tat thing, but in this case of all the children and children's spouses of both the bride and groom, the OP is the only one excluded. That just seems kind of wrong to me.

But yeah, we don't know bride and OP's relationship, and it seems that OP's father was not interested in doing something non-traditional and having female groomspeople.

I definitely agree it’s wrong and hurtful to not include her in any way.

 

[Aurora79]

Yes. And I’m sorry. I went through a similar situation and it’s hard. Hugs to you!

 

[Hikergirl]

For me it would depend on some details that you didn't share.
If your dad picked all men for his attendants and I wasn't very close to the new wife where she'd feel she wanted me as an attendant then no I wouldn't be very upset. I may feel a bit left but I would understand their decision.

 

[Meriweather]

I'd definitely be upset.....to be the only one left out would really hurt my feelings

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I would be upset with my father for not making sure I was included. If he can include her children & their spouses, he should make sure his wife includes you. This isn't a situation of only including your best friends in the bridal party. This is their children. All of them should be included.

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would have done, if my Dad had ever put him in this situation. He said, he would have said, "thanks, but no thanks", to their offer to be a groomsman. IMO, your DH needs to stand up for you, even if no one else does. That said, you should do what works for your relationship not mine. Good luck. I feel for you.

 

[ronandannette]

@Momager - may I ask what your relationship in general is with your dad and his wife as a couple? Given how devoted you were to your mother (bless you! ), maybe it was difficult for you when your dad moved on? Many women would find that a little threatening and especially if they're not-the-greatest-people (hey, it happens) to start with, she may have some resentment towards you?

 

[tarheelmjfan]

@Momager - may I ask what your relationship in general is with your dad and his wife as a couple? Given how devoted you were to your mother (bless you! ), maybe it was difficult for you when your dad moved on? Many women would find that a little threatening and especially if they're not-the-greatest-people (hey, it happens) to start with, she may have some resentment towards you?

I'm wondering how bad the relationship could be, if they're including her DH. I would imagine that neither would be included, if they had a strained relationship to the point that she was the only one excluded in her Dad's wedding. For that reason, I'm doubting this is the OP's fault. Regardless, that's his daughter. If all of her children & inlaws were all included, his should have been too.

 

[wenrob]

I'm wondering how bad the relationship could be, if they're including her DH. I would imagine that neither would be included, if they had a strained relationship to the point that she was the only one excluded in her Dad's wedding. For that reason, I'm doubting this is the OP's fault. Regardless, that's his daughter. If all of her children & inlaws were all included, his should have been too.

I don’t think anyone thinks this is the OP’s fault but she’s also given the impression that she and the new wife aren’t necessarily BFFs either. Who knows? New wife could be an awful person. Or maybe she was afraid OP would say no. We don’t have a clear picture. I get the impression she’s upset because her DAD didn’t include her and in that she has a right to be.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm wondering how bad the relationship could be, if they're including her DH. I would imagine that neither would be included, if they had a strained relationship to the point that she was the only one excluded in her Dad's wedding. For that reason, I'm doubting this is the OP's fault. Regardless, that's his daughter. If all of her children & inlaws were all included, his should have been too.

NO - I did not in any way imply it was her "fault". There are often tensions between a father's new wife and his daughter(s) in ways that there usually aren't with sons. It just as easily comes from the new wife - that's the angle I was trying to explore.

Personally, if anyone is to "blame" here I think it's her own father. He should have seen to it she was included and the idea of including the SIL and not her is ridiculous IMO. Unfortunately, practically all of us have seen/experienced instances where a man will fail to advocate for his children when there is conflict with his new love interest.

I'd also be curious to know the dynamic between the OP and her siblings - what do they think of this? Although I guess if her own husband is on board, it's a bit of a stretch to expect a brother or sister-in-law to decline in protest.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I don’t think anyone thinks this is the OP’s fault but she’s also given the impression that she and the new wife aren’t necessarily BFFs either. Who knows? New wife could be an awful person. Or maybe she was afraid OP would say no. We don’t have a clear picture. I get the impression she’s upset because her DAD didn’t include her and in that she has a right to be.

I didn't get the same impression from her post that you did. It's equally likely that she doesn't want to start a fight with her future stepmother, because she doesn't want to cause problems with her dad. As she said, there's nothing good that can come from having a confrontation with her future stepmother. It's clear that the OP isn't her top priority as it is. It's possible that she doesn't want to make things worse with her. I suppose it's all in how you read it.

 

[SirDuff]

I wasn't an attendant in a similar situation. My mom died and my dad remarried about two years later. My brother was best man, her daughter was maid-of-honour, and her son walked her down the aisle - there wasn't an obvious role for me. I was still a big part of the wedding (my dad's new wife included me with her daughter in getting our dresses made, I gave a the "family" toast at the dinner, etc.), I just wasn't an attendant.

I was also not in my brother's wedding (no famiily members were). I later found it was because he felt that it would be too hard for him to have me in the wedding party when our mom couldn't be there as mother-of-the-groom. Not having any family, he felt, would make him feel the missing piece less. I wasn't offended (even before I knew his reasoning). My SIL did have her sister as maid-of-honour.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

NO - I did not in any way imply it was her "fault". There are often tensions between a father's new wife and his daughter(s) in ways that there usually aren't with sons. It just as easily comes from the new wife - that's the angle I was trying to explore.

Personally, if anyone is to "blame" here I think it's her own father. He should have seen to it she was included and the idea of including the SIL and not her is ridiculous IMO. Unfortunately, practically all of us have seen/experienced instances where a man will fail to advocate for his children when there is conflict with his new love interest.

I'd also be curious to know the dynamic between the OP and her siblings - what do they think of this? Although I guess if her own husband is on board, it's a bit of a stretch to expect a brother or sister-in-law to decline in protest.

This is what I'm thinking. I think the few of us who are discussing this are women. If I were so inclined, I probably could have convinced DH to have total strangers as his attendants. That doesn't mean it would have been the right thing to do. Her Dad & DH absolutely should be standing up for her. I just don't agree with questioning the OP for being so close to her Mom that she's possibly created a strained relationship with her future stepmom. Considering that as the reason for the slight doesn't make sense to me. If that were the case, excluding her would make her even less inclined to want to have a relationship with her stepmom. How could any reasonable thinking father & stepmom think that's the way to deal with the situation? Unfortunately, I see a tough road ahead for the OP. It appears her new stepmom doesn't care, if they have a good relationship & Dad is going to go along with her.

 

[Disney Doll]

I’d be hurt.
Not a very carefully considered move on the part of your father and his new wife.

My observations/experiences with men who remarry is that they tend to “follow” the new wife’s behavior/directives, which usually ends up being detrimental to his “first family”.

 

[DisneyOma]

I asked my father. He said because I wouldn't make a very good best man (being a female). Never wanted to ask his new wife..... Nothing good would have come from that.

Ugh, the sexism that dictates weddings drives me nuts - I think you need to ask him again, or at least explain how you feel. Start now, or you're going to be let out of a lot of family things, IMO.

I assume your father is a male right? I presume you're a female right? Then I wouldn't be upset that he didn't want a groomsmatron.
But I certainly would expect to be in the family pictures and come to the rehearsal dinner or whatever they're doing for family around the wedding.

Why shouldn't family come before tradition?

 

[LovesTimone]

I would be upset... and I am so sorry for your loss ... sending a hug.

If her kids are in the wedding and are on both sides of the aisle... then you should have been asked and you should be able to make your choice to stand up for her or not...... Maybe she doesn't think you would want to because of how close you were to your mom... or maybe she thinks it will remind your dad to much of your mother and their life together or she could be staking her claim on your dad, and letting you know who's in charge now... There are lots and lots of things that could be going on... You need to ask...

Since you are the child that does everything and deals with everything... he just presumes that you will either be okay with it or just get over it...Your Dad could just be copping out.... and trying to make nice with the new wife and her family... not wanting to rock the boat. As well men don't see thing like women do...

This will become a sore spot for you if you don't deal with now... it will fester and fester, until it burst... I suggest taking the bull by the horns and just ask her? Then think about her response... for a little while... then figure out how you are going to handle it... Maybe asking her to lunch, or out for shopping just the two of you... and see how it goes...

 

[wgeo]

Just to mention if we're discussing "tradition", at least in the area that I currently live there is no tradition of even having best men, maids of honor etc at later in life second marriages. It's pretty rare to have attendants at those weddings and they tend to be quite small.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Think of all the drama you get to avoid: Ugly bridesmaid dresses. Bridezilla. Bachelorette party. All you have to do is show up and drink at the reception.

Sounds great to me!

 

[elaine amj]

Really? I would consider his including my DH as basically including me. A bit weird to me to be hurt considering my DH is a groomsman.

Now if your entire nuclear family unit is the only one to be completely left out and extra effort was made to include all other nuclear family units, then that would need more of an explanation.

It was sweet of your dad to say that if he didn't feel bound by the tradition of havibg male groomsmen, he would have chosen you as the best man. Instead, he did the next best thing and selected your DH as groomsman.

That said, this is just my viewpoint from reading your OP and I may just be weird. Nevertheless, it would not be good to nurse the hurt over this. Tell your father he means so very very much to you that you would love to have some sort of role in his wedding.

I was touched when my best friend asked me to be her honorary maid of honor. Her daughters stood up with her but I got all the work without the title haha. Didn't bother me - I was just happy to do whatever I could to help her have an amazing day. Plus my dress was waaaayyyyy cheaper!

 

[MrsDuck]

I’d absolutely be upset. So sorry OP.

 

[bellebud]

OP, so the brides children and spouses were in the wedding party. I assume male and female "bridesmaids"? Then yes, I'd be super hurt.

I'm sorry that happened to you.