Would you be upset?

[The Mystery Machine]

Your sick with (possibly) the flu. Your DH leaves around 8am to go play softball leaving you with the kids. DH calls 3 hours later saying that the games are over, but theres another set of games they want/need him for. Hes asking you if he can play the extra games. Yes, I knew about these games previously, but DH had said that he wouldn't play in them. One set of games was enough for him. Anyway... What do you say? Would you be upset of he played the extra games, or just tell him to do whatever he wants. If you tell him to do whatever he wants, and then stays and plays, would you be upset?

I would tell DH that I am too sick and I need him to come home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks so much for your post. Just adding a few things - being home sick is one thing, being home sick with sick kids is another!!!! LOL
Second, DH KNOWS he should have come home. He does this all the time. I'm not being a witch or ogar, or anything. I had no problem with him going out for the first set of games (which took 3 hours) but wanting to play another set, to me, its just to much. JMO

Well of course he knows he needs to come home.

However you have to be INSISTENT so when he tells his buds he can't stay, he can say "my wife is making me come home, guys".

Don't you know that is how it works?

 

[dismom2]

Sounds like both of you are being immature. He is trying to make you the bad guy. You are getting mad because he should be able to read your mind. I realized a while ago that my husband really doesn't always "get it" and needs to be reminded sometimes.

I hope you feel better soon!!! This probably isn't helping, is it?

A caring, condsiderate husband DOES "get it". Her DH should not have made that phone call to her at all; he is the one at fault. He should be a good husband, be considerate of the fact that his wife is sick, and not even pose the question of whether he should stay or not. Maybe she should have told him "yes, I need you to come home", but she was frustrated that he was being so inconsiderate, so I don't blame her for the way she answered. I'd consider leaving him alone with both kids next time he is sick (for just as many hours), just to give him a little wake up call. A little immature? Maybe, but sometimes, giving someone a little taste of their own medicine speaks louder than words. People learn different ways, correct?

OP: Feel better!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think I would have the tendency to say the same thing you did, because I don't call people in my personal life on the stuff that they do that I don't like. However, I also think it's the wrong way to approach this situation and I'm glad your husband is coming home.

 

[EthansMom]

If I were mildly ill and the kids were being perfect angels, I'd tell DH, "Well, the kids are being good, so go ahead and play. But would you mind bringing home something for dinner so I don't have to cook?" If I were really sick and the kids were taking too much energy from me, then I'd say, "I'm really not feeling well and would appreciate it if you would come home and take care of them so I can go lay down."

BTW, a husband calling to ask your opinion doesn't want to hear "whatever you want". He's calling because he WANTS to play in the games and is asking if that's okay with you. You need to be clear about what you need from him because he can't read your mind. (Took me a few years to learn that.)

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Christine]

I agree with both RadioNate and dismom2.

You have the flu and you have two little kids, one is sick. When your husband knew that, he should have never even made the call to *ask* if he could stay and play more games. That's making you act like his mommy and the bad guy in the relationship. He just needed to say "You know guys, my wife and kids are sick, I'm lucky I was able to do this much, I need to go home now." But he didn't.

Now when he did call you, you should have immediately said "I really would prefer you not stay and play the extra games. I feel like I"ve been hit by a train and I've got a sick kid here and another one I'd like to keep away from us. Please come home as soon as you can."

 

[mhsjax]

A caring, condsiderate husband DOES "get it". Her DH should not have made that phone call to her at all; he is the one at fault. He should be a good husband, be considerate of the fact that his wife is sick, and not even pose the question of whether he should stay or not. Maybe she should have told him "yes, I need you to come home", but she was frustrated that he was being so inconsiderate, so I don't blame her for the way she answered. I'd consider leaving him alone with both kids next time he is sick (for just as many hours), just to give him a little wake up call. A little immature? Maybe, but sometimes, giving someone a little taste of their own medicine speaks louder than words. People learn different ways, correct?

OP: Feel better!

I agree 1000%.

 

[Jennasis]

Thanks so much for your post. Just adding a few things - being home sick is one thing, being home sick with sick kids is another!!!! LOL
Second, DH KNOWS he should have come home. He does this all the time. I'm not being a witch or ogar, or anything. I had no problem with him going out for the first set of games (which took 3 hours) but wanting to play another set, to me, its just to much. JMO

You're playing the martyr. Just TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. Never assume anyone kknows what's in your head. He wanted to play a game (in my mind, he should know better than to leave you home sick with the kids) and he was having fun with the guys. I wouldn't want to come home either if I were having fun to deal with passive aggressive wife (and the sick kids).

You were both wrong.

 

[mtemm]

the only behavior you can change is your own, but changing your own will change how you communicate as a couple for the better, and it will break the passive-aggressive cycle that seems to be going on. trust me, I've btdt, and it took me a while, and a separation, to realize that better communication is a much better way to go. yes, I would love for my dh to just get it, but I'm sure he could say the same about me at times. but at least when we know what the other needs, instead of playing guessing games and building resentment, our life together is much much happier.

your current modes only lead you both to resent each other.

think about it. I'm can sense how frustrated and annoyed you are right now. I'm wondering, how would you feel if you had just come out and said what you needed instead of putting all of your energy into game playing and resentment and wishing he was someone else.

not trying to be harsh here. like I said, I do know what you are dealing with, and have btdt. but both my dh and I have changed that behavior and it is so much better for both of us, I just want to share that more than anything else. breaking unhealthy patterns is HARD, but sooo worth it.

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

First of all, I hope you are feeling better.

I agree with everyone who said that it would have been better to tell him that you would appreciate it if he came home because you were really feeling sick and needed to rest.

I don't think it's fair to him for you to say you don't care if he stays, when you do care. Yes, you might be upset that he's being a little selfish, but it's better to say the truth than trying to guilt him into doing what you think he should be doing (we women really can be quite good at that). It just causes more friction.

I also agree that it was inconsiderate of him to call you when he initially said he was just going to play one game & then go home, knowing you were sick. It would have been nice for him to show that he cared enough to want to help you feel better. On the other hand, he probably had intentions of playing one game, but then had such a nice time that he was hoping you felt better, or well enough for him to stay for another game.

I do not agree with the thought to teach him a lesson and let him take care of the kids when he's sick and you take off. These type of lessons rarely work, and feed in to the game-playing that sometimes goes on between spouses that do not help a marriage in the long run.

I hope you two work it out and that you can get some rest.

 

[NMAmy]

I had no problem with him going out for the first set of games (which took 3 hours) but wanting to play another set, to me, its just to much. JMO

And what's wrong with just saying this to him instead of a big old "WhatEVER" ? I've found that I'm much more likely to get what I need if I just come right out and say it as nicely as possible.

I do understand where you're coming from--you're sick, you have a sick kid and you need help and you're frustrated. But if you give your husband a chance and tell him you need help, I'll bet you'll find he'd step up to the plate.

 

[eliza61]

Your sick with (possibly) the flu. Your DH leaves around 8am to go play softball leaving you with the kids. DH calls 3 hours later saying that the games are over, but theres another set of games they want/need him for. Hes asking you if he can play the extra games. Yes, I knew about these games previously, but DH had said that he wouldn't play in them. One set of games was enough for him. Anyway... What do you say? Would you be upset of he played the extra games, or just tell him to do whatever he wants. If you tell him to do whatever he wants, and then stays and plays, would you be upset?

You know, this is one of those time where the "Men are from mars, women are from venus" saying is definitely true.

I find my husband does not take "subtle" hints well, even with me hacking up a lung into the phone and being super sarcastic, if I said no problem honey he would play the extra game.
For some reason he thinks short of a hospital stay, nothing should take down the "mom lady"

I would probably be upset but not surprised. Now I don't do subtle, when I'm sick I say flat out "hon, I'm not feeling well, I'm going to bed so you have to deal with the kiddies".

 

[tigger813]

I would've have asked him to come home as you are unable to take care of the little ones and yourself as you have the flu! I had the flu Memorial Day weekend, and hubby had to do EVERYTHING all weekend! I think he learned to appreciate all that I do from that weekend. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and went grocery shopping. Our girls are 9 and 4 and understood better than a 2 and a 4 year old would. Hope you feel better soon!

 

[Dancemom03]

After 33 years of marriage, DH has no problem knowing that "do whatever you want" does not mean that he should. DD20 has only been dating her BF21 for 18 months but even he knows "do whatever you want" is definitely not a positive answer.

I don't see it as game playing or passive aggressive. There was no miscommunication. OP's DH knew exactly what she meant or he wouldn't be ticked off and coming home.

Yes, I'd be upset - but b/c he was inconsiderate enough to call and ask, thereby adding additional stress and making me the "bad guy" when there was already an agreement in place - not b/c he wanted to stay. Everybody's always harping on personal responsibility. IMO that means not calling with stupid questions expecting miracles but honoring our committments without being forced to.

Hope you feel much better soon OP.

 

[EMom]

Unless he is mentally impaired, her DH knew good and well he needed to get his rear end back to the house and help out. But did he do that? No, he called home and pestered her like a little boy asking his mommy if he can play with the kids down the street for just a teeeeeeeeeeny bit longer.....and probably had his bottom lip sticking out when he asked it. He wanted her to be the mommy and either give him a "get out of jail free" card or turn her into the big bad wolf by forcing her to ask him to PLEASE come home and help out.

I would have never asked him to "please" come home. More likely I would have said, "I cannot even believe you have the nerve to ask me if you can stay longer. I'm at home sick as a dog, one of the kids is getting sicker by the minute and YOU want to stay out and play. I would think any responsible husband and father would KNOW what he needed to do, but here you are calling and asking. I'm not your mama and you don't need to ask my permission to stay, but I am your wife and you will have to live with the consequences if you chose to stay and play instead of doing your job as a husband and father. You'd better think long and hard about what you do next." CLICK.

I don't believe in being passive aggressive or beating around the bush. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Then again, my husband would never have left me and DD at home in the first place, had we been sick. It would have never crossed his mind to be so selfish. Thank God.

Don't let him turn you into the mean old mommy. Make it plain that he's an adult and he needs to act like one. Whatever decision he makes, he lives with the fallout. That's life.

 

[Serena]

Unless he is mentally impaired, her DH knew good and well he needed to get his rear end back to the house and help out. But did he do that? No, he called home and pestered her like a little boy asking his mommy if he can play with the kids down the street for just a teeeeeeeeeeny bit longer.....and probably had his bottom lip sticking out when he asked it. He wanted her to be the mommy and either give him a "get out of jail free" card or turn her into the big bad wolf by forcing her to ask him to PLEASE come home and help out.

I would have never asked him to "please" come home. More likely I would have said, "I cannot even believe you have the nerve to ask me if you can stay longer. I'm at home sick as a dog, one of the kids is getting sicker by the minute and YOU want to stay out and play. I would think any responsible husband and father would KNOW what he needed to do, but here you are calling and asking. I'm not your mama and you don't need to ask my permission to stay, but I am your wife and you will have to live with the consequences if you chose to stay and play instead of doing your job as a husband and father. You'd better think long and hard about what you do next." CLICK.

I don't believe in being passive aggressive or beating around the bush. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Then again, my husband would never have left me and DD at home in the first place, had we been sick. It would have never crossed his mind to be so selfish. Thank God.

Don't let him turn you into the mean old mommy. Make it plain that he's an adult and he needs to act like one. Whatever decision he makes, he lives with the fallout. That's life.

That sounds like something I've said.

"You said you'd come home after the game, so why are you calling?"
He probably had the guys in the background telling him to call and giving him a hard time.

 

[justhat]

If it were me and my husband, I would absolutely have to tell him what to do. In fact, I would be happy your husband even called you, as he could have just gone on to play the 2nd set of games and then told you after the fact that they 'needed' him. But my husband likely would have called and asked also, and his reasoning would have been "I thought maybe you were feeling better." Though it would have been apparent that morning that I would not feel better for days, he would still ask, just in case I was miraculously better and said he could stay and play.

The only time my husband ever stayed home with me on his own was when I was pregnant with #2, he and I caught a bad stomach bug from our 2yo, and he got over it faster than I did. We were out of state for a job interview (for him) and he ordered pizza to the room for our 2yo, went to the lobby to tell the interview people that his pregnant and sick wife was in the room with a 2yo and he had to stay, and he came back. I was floored. The real interview was the next day (this was a dinner for all the candidates), but I still wanted him to go, regardless of how I felt just cause of the importance, but he seemed to think I was in need of help.

First and last time that ever happened!

 

[MELSMICE]

BTW, a husband calling to ask your opinion doesn't want to hear "whatever you want". He's calling because he WANTS to play in the games and is asking if that's okay with you. You need to be clear about what you need from him because he can't read your mind. (Took me a few years to learn that.)

I hope you feel better soon!

This is exactly the case. He wants to play in the game. He's hoping that you'll say, "I'm feeling OK, stay & play." He knows you're sick, but he can't read your mind or get in your body to know exactly how sick you are or that you could really use his help with the kids. You need to relay that information to him. (should he have even asked - no - but he did)

If he's supposed to be able to read your mind & know how you feel then you should also be able to read his mind & know how guys operate. He might have said he didn't want to play in the 2nd set of games, but seriously, if a guy has an opportunity to play in or attend a sporting event we all know he'll jump at the opportunity. Should he have told his buddies that he had to head home - yes - but he figured he call - maybe you were feeling better. How would he know without calling.

When he called you should have told him that you just were not feeling well & that while you know he would probably want to play in the games, you really needed him at home.

BTW - I'll be married for 22 years in a few weeks. We've played the same game you are playing right now. No one wins in this situation - you just get annoyed with each other. Change the pattern now.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

He called back about a minute later to say "happy now, I'm coming home."

I could never, ever be married to such a selfish clod I would get sick to my stomach just looking at a person like this

And its not like he just got there - hes been out of the house playing for over 3 hours. Oh well, I have nothing else, I guess I really know where I/we rank on his list of importance.

ETA - My little ones are 2 & 4

Three hours and you have the flu and are home with young ones? Does he ever tell you why he has no respect for you?

Good luck. Life is too short to spend it with a person that only cares about himself

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

Unless he is mentally impaired, her DH knew good and well he needed to get his rear end back to the house and help out.

Unless he was mentally impaired, he would not have left the house to go have fun in the first place

I mean, who leaves a sick spouse home alone with young children just so they could go play with the guys?


Who chooses a game over their ill spouse?