Would you be mad/upset? **Update post #23**

[wvjules]

DD is at her dads in NC for the first time in 4 years. I was on the phone talking to her when they get another call. Step-mom gets on the phone and tells me to call back later. (It was ESM-Evil Step-mom-'s sister.)

Not to mention that DD never gets to see her dad. He apparently leaves for work around noon and doesn't get home until after DD is in bed. What's the point of a visit if she never gets to see her dad????? DD wants to come home earlier than Saturday but she doesn't want her dad to feel bad.

The plans are for DD to be there for the entire month of July but I don't feel its fair to her to be there that long if she doesn't get to see her dad at all. If she's this homesick on day 2 of a 6 day visit, I can't imagine what she'll be like in July.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would be upset for DD. Can you talk to your ex? Maybe once she's home let him know how she feels or better yet let DD tell him. Is the Step Mom somewhat of a stranger? That would be uncomfortable for anyone to have to spend lots of time with a virtual stranger. No wonder she wants to come home.

Sounds like it's time to make new plans for July. Maybe if he can get off for a week or something she can go then. If not, like you stated -- what's the point?

Good luck. I'd feel uneasy for my DD knowing she wasn't comfortable. Hopefully her stay will get a little bit better and she can make it through to Sat..

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

A couple of questions come to mind. How old is your DD? Why the 4 year lapse (not my business but might explain the hesitancy)? How well does she know the stepmother? Since you referred to the woman as "evil" has she mistreated your DD in the past?

I'm looking at this from both points of view. I am the wicked stepmonster to 4 stepdaughters. My Dsis is also in the middle of divorce proceedings.
Bottom line, unless your DD is being abused physically or mentally, you can't dictate the way the visitation is handled. For example, my soon to be ex-BIL dropped my Dniece off at his mother's yesterday morning at 7 a.m. and picked her up sometime after 7 p.m. He had a 9 a.m. doctor's appt and then just went and did his own thing. She had softball practice and he refused to come back and take her. Poor thing had to sit inside all day watching tv since the grandparents wouldn't do anything or let her outside by herself (she's 11). Nothing my dsis can do but ask him to be more considerate.
As for the communication aspect, I would buy your DD a cell phone. If she's young there is that Migo (sp?) that Verizon sells. Its pre-programmed with 4 numbers and you can then call her. No having wicked stepmonster hang up on you again.
I'd wait and see how this week goes before cancelling the July visitation. He might be planning on taking a week off with her or something. And to be honest, did you actually expect him to be a SAHD for every visitation. I know you're hurting for your DD and your mom instincts have kicked in, nothing wrong with that. Give this a chance and things might pick up. I imagine that the homesickness might decrease with time.
Good Luck with everything.

 

[Stacey2grls]

First off, I would be mad about the phone call. You as the mom, have presedence over stepmothers sister. You needed to speak to your child, the sister could have waited. Second, I really feel for you and your daughter, maybe she needs to wait a little longer to come to a decision about July. If she barely sees her father, they really do need to spend some time together. But as a mom to 2 DD's I do sympathize with how hard this must be for you both.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I remember some of the issues from 4 years ago Jules.

Truthfully, I'd get her a cell phone - either add her to your plan or get her a Prepaid Tracphone or something -- before July. Have her stick it in her suitcase. That way if she needs to call you, she won't have to go through ESM.

 

[wvjules]

There is quite a bit of history. I'll just give you the highlights. lol

Several years ago she went there for her scheduled 7 weeks. While she was there, her ESM smacked her with a hickory switch. (I think ESM said DD was too close to the road.) When I found that out I was livid. DD ended up coming home several weeks early for an unrelated reason. WHen they wanted her back I refused. They took me to court for contempt. She did end up having to go back for the final week before school started but the new court order reflected no corporal punishment and no excessive time-outs (another issue).

For a while things were fine. DD would go for her scheduled 3rd weekend of the month. She'd come back asking me why she didn't get her checks that her dad mailed to her every week and she wanted to know what I spent it on (child support) and other stuff like that and the horrible things I've done or did (in their minds), etc.

Then there was nothing. For four years, he never saw her, never called, never sent a birthday/christmas card...nothing. She has a two year old brother she didn't know about until a few months ago. He and his woudl call me to ***** about things but never once did they ask to talk to her.

Then out of the blue he comes to town during superbowl weekend. She spent the weekend with him and they planned a weekend in March. (oops, lied in my OP, she did go for a day last month.) He then said he wanted her for his 7 weeks this summer. I told him that was way too much time for her to be with a virtual stranger. So we compromised with July and I insisted that she go down spring break to see if they all could be together that long. He wanted to know exactly when DD was coming he they could plan "their" family vacation. (EX, ESM, step daughter and two sons.)

Trust me, I want her to have a relationship with her dad. Its something I dind't have and I want her to have it.

Those are the big issues to me. There are several small ones on top of that. But the beating my child with a stick drove me over the edge. BTW, DD tells me that her ESM is now on happy-pills. lol

OH and one more thing. Not all step mothers are evil. Mine was wonderful as are many others out there. But I don't like the way this woman treats my child and I don't like the way my ex had ignored her for years.

Some of these might seem trivial to you all but they're not to me (and I can't remember them all clearly since its been so long ago.) She's my baby, my life and my pride and joy, it pains me to know that she's not happy.

 

[Cindyluwho]

How old is she? I couldn't find it in your posts, but her age would make a huge difference in how I'd handle the situation.

 

[Buckalew11]

I feel for you, Jules. Our DDs are about the same age. I put myself in your shoes and my heart breaks.

I agree with Tobysfriend. Get the cell phone. She's gonna need it in July.

I know you want her to have a relationship with her dad but he has to want it too. I hope he'll straighten up for her sake because our girls are growing up fast and if he puts off the relationship, there just won't be one.

Oh, and I hope he doesn't see her as a babysitter for the new children.

 

[diznygirl]

How far away is it? Would it be possible for you to visit her during her visitation with dad? It wouldn't take any time away from him if he's at work.

In cases like this I wish it were possible to sever parental rights. My nephew is going through something like this with his mom who is on her 3rd marriage and 4th child. She keeps "losing" his phone number.....

 

[MosMom]

Maybe instead of the whole month in July, try just the week they are going on vacation. It has been 4 years, any child would need time to get used to that again. That way, she would be spending time with him since they would be on vacation.

 

[Beth76]

I don't mean this in any bad way towards your daughter, but why do they even want her there? Sounds like she and the step mom don't get along and the dad is never there. Why even bother? And can the courts really make a child spend time with a parent when they don't want to? And what about the fact that he ignored her for 4 years? That's got to say something to the courts. I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this. Its sounds terrible for her.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

If this week goes bad (and I truly hope it does not for your DD's sake), I would go back to court and restrict his parenting time. Actually, I bet you could go back and restrict the time anyway. 7 weeks is a long time to spend with someone. The physical abuse would have sent me over the edge!! I agree with you. I also agree with you that you should never forget what has been done to your DD. Its an amazing thing with kids, they just want the love from their parents that they are willing to "forget" all the things that have occured. I've seen it first hand with my SDs. Make sure you are keeping a journal with everything that is going on. It may come in handy should you need to restrict visitation. I used to keep one and when we needed it we were able to fire back a 21 page document with all the problems with their biological DM.

If your DD is uncomfortable when she gets back, is there anyway you can drop the summer trip down to 2 weeks - say a few days before their family vacation and a few days after? It might solve the problem. Oh, just a thought, not sure how old your DD is but could they possibly be using her as a cheap babysitter this summer for the 2 y.o.?

I hope everything works out well. I have my own DD who is 6 so I can empathize with you. Try to keep strong and get her that cell phone so that you have unrestricted access to her!!

 

[auntpolly]

I really don't know what to say, but . I can only imagine how you feel.

If it helps at all, DH used to have to go summers with a his dad and a ESM (2000 miles away from home) and he when he starts telling the stories he laughs and gets us all laughing (talk about your clueless child care! ) about how weird it was. Today, he and the ESM don't really speak (not really a fight, just have nothing to say to each other) but his relationship with his dad is good. He realizes that his dad made mistakes, but the summers with him were definately something he valued, even though his dad worked weird hours and didn't see him much.

 

[NMAmy]

I think the best advice you've gotten here is to get her a cell phone. I had the same problem when dd would go to her dad's---she told me they wouldn't answer the phone when they saw my phone number on the caller ID. Now I can talk to her anytime and she can call me whenever she needs to.

I'd talk to him about cutting down the visit in July. It's so hard when the kids don't want to go and the other parent makes no effort to make their time there easier. DD just went to her dad's for spring break--her dad didn't take any time off work (he has a ton of vacation time so I'm pretty sure that wasn't the issue), her stepsisters were all in school because they had a different spring break. So, basically, she sat around the house for a week with nothing to do but watch daytime tv. She's 15 now so I figure she's old enough to put up with it for a week but I know she was really disappointed that she didn't get to spend more time with her dad. I have a feeling he will have a rebellion on his hands this summer when she comes to stay.

to you. I know it's so hard when the child's parent treats your kid that way. I'd have had a hissy fit myself about the switch.

 

[poohandwendy]

I totally agree with the advice to get her a cell phone. I think that would help her alot, to be able to get in touch with you whenever she wants.

The rest of it, well...it's a shame. It's tough because he probably has to work when she is there, so that part I can understand. Hopefully, he takes more time with her when she visits in July. I hope they are able to spend some quality time together. And I am glad the ESM keeps taking her 'happy pills'...she sounds like a whole lotta fun. (rolleyes)

 

[Disney Doll]

If the time your DD spends talking to you on the phone is going to be an issue with her dad and SM, then I would recommend you buy her a cell phone so that you have unlimited access to her without impinging on their telephone usage. Thats houd solve that problem.

The hitting with a switch...yes, I'd have a problem with that, and I'd have more of a problem if the SM did the hitting. SM is a difficult postion to be in, and physical punishment doesn't make her seem warmer ofr fuzzier. She ought ot be acreful of that. But, you did take care of it with the reworking of the custody thing, so if it happens again, you can address it through that avenue.

I would talk to my DD when she gets home from this visit with regard to the longer visit that yo anticipate over the summer. See how she feels about it. Do oyu have a good enough relationship with your ex that you can speak kindly, but candidly, about your concerns?

 

[mrsltg]

I definitely agree with the cell phone. I grew up in a sort of similar way. DB and I would be shipped off to Texas to spend time with Dad who was remarried and had another child. DSM would send my half sister with my Dad wherever he went when we were there - especially me. She was so insecure she couldn't let my father have alone time with me. My relationship with my father suffered terribly (oh, and they'd talk bad about my mom to me).

Well, fast forward 20+ years and I am married with kids of my own. I barely speak to my father. I have no animosity toward him, he's just kind of on the periphery of my life. I love him because he's my dad, but I have no feelings for him otherwise. He's never met my second daughter. In fairness to him he calls me weekly and tries to engage me but there is so much time gone that I just don't care. It sounds like your ex is headed down the same road with your dd. My stepmother (very sadly, truly) is terminally ill. I feel for my father. He will be alone very soon. He has no relationship with my brother and my half-sister only see $$ with him. In some ways I feel like you should shout at your ex, "do you know what you are doing? You will regret this later!" At the same time, he's an adult. He's making his bed and he will have to lie in it.

Good luck with July. I definitely think it's too long to be away from friends and home.

 

[wvjules]

Thank you all for your thoughts and insight. Actually DD does have a cell phone but its a TracFone and she doesn't want to use her minutes. lol However I have no doubt that if she really wanted to talk to me and for some reason couldn't use the land line, she'd use her cell phone.

When she gets home we'll talk about how the visit went and if she wants to cut back on the July trip. Of course if she still wants to go the whole month then I'll let her. But if she wants to come home early then I'll drive the whole way to get her if I have to.

Oh, and she's 10, she'll be 11 in June.

 

[SillyMe]

I don't mean this in any bad way towards your daughter, but why do they even want her there? Sounds like she and the step mom don't get along and the dad is never there. Why even bother? And can the courts really make a child spend time with a parent when they don't want to? And what about the fact that he ignored her for 4 years? That's got to say something to the courts. I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this. Its sounds terrible for her.

If the court says he gets the visitation, then he gets the visitation and there is nothing she can do about it. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

Jules, how old is your daughter? Can you petition the court to try to stop the July visitation since he hasn't bothered with her for 4 years? They might take that into consideration and at least shorten the visitation. I would've been livid about the stick incident!!

ETA: You were posting while I was posting...lol. I see her age now.

 

[DisneyJules]

I myself am wondering if it's a good idea having her see her dad. Can dad not come and visit with her? My parents divorced when I was six, kids need structure. It's so unsettling for a child to be moving around constantly between mom's and dad's. ESM doesn't sound like much of a winner, perhaps her Dad could come take some time off and come and visit with DD instead? Just an idea. I just think stability is key so that she doesnt' fell like it's her job to run the show.