Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[golfgal]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

 

[usnuzuloose]

No way! Iwould not even start her on birth control. Despite anyones thoughts here it revolves around moral issues. So if someone wants to flame so be it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I voted maybe. mine are not that old yet so I do not really know. At this point, I am thinking I probably would. My kids are used to being with other kids and little supervision as that is fairly common in Germany. An example would be that on the night before the last day of school most of DDs class had an overnight at the school. The boys and girls slept in separate classrooms but there was just one chaperon (their regular teacher) and he slept in the teacher's lounge and did not even wake up until 15 minutes after class was to have started so I did not get the idea he was roaming the halls making sure everyone stayed where they are supposed to.
DD is also accustomed to handling transportation issues, food, etc on her own.

So, with a responsible teen who is very used to handling his or herself and travelling and if the other teen were also I would likely okay it depending on where they were going and why. I would also tend to think they would have sex with or without the trip if that is what they want to do (and not have it with or without the trio as well) so I would not really think of that as a big issue.

I fully realize that my DD is only 13 and I may change my mind drastically in the next few years

 

[disneybound2010]

My son is only 4 sp I have a few years before I need to worry about this, but I can say that my parents DID allow me to at that age. Actully, I was 15 when I started going on out of town unsupervised trips. Most of my friends were in college and we used to take trips to comic/sci fi conventions(not just for total nerds LOL). Picture 20000 crazed fans under 2 hotels! For the most part, I gave no cause for worries. By 17 almost 18, I was pretty much on my own. I had been practically living with my college friends and I had a boyfriend from teh college. His family lived 2 hours away so I would spend my vacation time at his house.

ETA OH, I also forgot to add, I started dating at 13. I had boyfriends anywhere from 2 -6 years older, but the one thing I can honestly sat was that I didn't do "certain things" until I was much much older! I wasn't about to risk becoming a teen mom and give up my conventions LOL

 

[powellrj]

I voted maybe because I am really not sure what I would do.

I know when I was a senior my mom let me drive 4 hours to spend homecoming with my then boyfriend/now husband at his college. 35 years later I still can't believe she let me go! I think at that point she was glad to have me gone for a weekend!

My own DD is only a freshman and I really have no idea what I would say.

Last year DS moved in with 2 girls at college and I know many parents thought we were wrong for letting them do that, which we were wrong, but NOT for the reasons people thought. Lets just say the girls weren't who we thought they were even though DS had known them for years and they had gone to church together since they were little.

Of all my kids DD even at 14 is the most responsible and trustworthy. I am not sure I would let her go one on one, but with a group I think I would say yes. I know she has been on mission trips with both boys and girls since she was in 6th grade and several times the chaperons were younger than her brothers, so that really was a similar situation.

 

[DVCLiz]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

Absolutely not. That's what college is for...

 

[Jennasis]

Whether they go away or not, the two of them will be having sex, so I would subtract the morality of the sex thing from the question.

Where are they going? How far from home?

 

[punkin]

My DD is 17 and is leaving for college in 3 weeks. Will I have much of a choice in what she does at that point?

 

[MerMom60_94]

I voted no, but who knows if that will change when I reach that point. Right now, DD is 15. Her boyfriend's family has a summer house down the Cape and I won't even let her stay down there with his parents, brothers, sister, grandparents, and aunt there. I drive an hour down there and drop her off and she comes home with them that night. This is with a nice family and a very nice boy who is more conservative than I am. So, I am thinking ahead to two years if they are still going out and she asks to go with him to the Cape house, just the two of them. Highly doubtful. Again, maybe my perspective will change when we get there, though. Plus, I based my vote on just the two of them traveling. I hadn't thought about in a group.

 

[bicker]

It's going back a few decades, but I observed first-hand (several instances of) what happens when a 17-going-on-18 year old, who has been "supervised" consistently through the teen years, goes away to college. One of my first roommates from college arrived as a straight-laced farm-boy, and dropped out before his first semester was over after one OD and having gotten at least one co-ed pregnant. (The co-ed was also a nice girl from a nice family who's parents insisted that she never would have done "something like that" if it wasn't for the boy forcing her. Not even close to the truth, of course.) The other of my first roommates, who arrived at university just-about as conservative as the first, lasted a bit longer; mid-way through second semester. He didn't get a girl pregnant, but be sure that drugs and sex contributed to an academic predicament where his continuing at the university made little sense. My third roommate (I moved out of the wild drugs and sex dorm in the middle of the first semester) made it to Junior year, but I really don't know how, given how inadequately he was prepared to deal with being responsible for himself.

In my Junior and Senior years, I ran the hot-line, and I cannot count the number of freshman who were simply overwhelmed by the shock of their first, legitimate on-their-own experience. Their parents clearly did absolutely nothing to prepare them for practicing personal responsibility. They had the book-knowledge, of course - their parents and/or ministers outlined their behavioral expectations pretty-well, for sure - but these freshman had never experienced any short periods of personal recognizance. They went from being in the cradle of their parents' discretion to weeks-upon-weeks of being "unsupervised". It was a disaster for many.

Remarkably, this doesn't necessarily lead to a "Yes" answer to the poll question. A parent is absolutely responsible for the conduct of their minor children if they allow them to be unsupervised. If you don't feel that your teen is trustworthy enough to put your neck on the line like that - to do the "right thing" for a few days, at least - then you shouldn't allow this kind of thing.

 

[golfgal]

Whether they go away or not, the two of them will be having sex, so I would subtract the morality of the sex thing from the question.

Where are they going? How far from home?

It is a beach house about 3 hours away. I realize that they can have sex in the back of a car in a parking lot at home, I am more in the camp that if you allow your DD to go away with a boy, ALONE, for a weekend her reputation will soon be not what you would want. Call me old fashioned but there are repercussions of this beyond having sex and yes, it is a double standard between boys and girls but it is what it is.

 

[cruisnfamily]

On another board I frequent a mom posted a thread asking if we would allow our 17 year old (just finished junior year of high school-turning 18 soon) DD to go away for a weekend with her boyfriend unsupervised. She "trusts" her DD and her DD is on birth control so she can't get pregnant . Would you allow this?

So I just so happen to have a 17 (just finished junior year of high school turning 18 soon) DD who was asked to go away for a WEEK with her boyfriend(who she's been dating for a year) and his family. So not even unsupervised. Well let's just say Boyfriend and family are leaving tomorrow and DD is NOT. Just inappropriate on too many levels for me.

She'll have lots of years and lots of chances to vacation with boyfriends in the future. No need to rush things. I really don't think she needs to be sitting across the breakfast table from him in her jammies every day for a week. Just a little too much familiarity and too reinforcing of the "we're going to be together forever" thing.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It is a beach house about 3 hours away. I realize that they can have sex in the back of a car in a parking lot at home, I am more in the camp that if you allow your DD to go away with a boy, ALONE, for a weekend her reputation will soon be not what you would want. Call me old fashioned but there are repercussions of this beyond having sex and yes, it is a double standard between boys and girls but it is what it is.

Well, not being the 1950s I would not worry about the reputation Honestly if I lived somewhere with such busybodies I would be trying to move.

I would want to know the other teen's parents were okay with it (would not want to be condoning a trip like that otherwise) and honestly because I have big water fears it would be the BEACH/ocean part of that scenario which would scare me the most.

 

[kamik86]

I went to a casino at 18 with my boyfriend (now DH), his mom, and some of their familiy friends. DH was 21 then so he could gamble but felt bad that I couldn't so hung out around the resort with me most of the time so we were 90% unsupervised.

Then again Mom would have had a hard time making an argument to stop this since I was a month shy of 18 when I moved 5 hours away to go to college. Which basically meant months at a time of being somewhere unsupervised.

If I trusted the girl and knew and trusted the guy sure why not? I mean she is going to be unsuperivised an awful lot in a year.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Well, not being the 1950s I would not worry about the reputation Honestly if I lived somewhere with such busybodies I would be trying to move.

I would want to know the other teen's parents were okay with it (would not want to be condoning a trip like that otherwise) and honestly because I have big water fears it would be the BEACH/ocean part of that scenario which would scare me the most.

Exactly!

I would probably let her go.

 

[golfgal]

It's going back a few decades, but I observed first-hand (several instances of) what happens when a 17-going-on-18 year old, who has been "supervised" consistently through the teen years, goes away to college. One of my first roommates from college arrived as a straight-laced farm-boy, and dropped out before his first semester was over after one OD and having gotten at least one co-ed pregnant. (The co-ed was also a nice girl from a nice family who's parents insisted that she never would have done "something like that" if it wasn't for the boy forcing her. Not even close to the truth, of course.) The other of my first roommates, who arrived at university just-about as conservative as the first, lasted a bit longer; mid-way through second semester. He didn't get a girl pregnant, but be sure that drugs and sex contributed to an academic predicament where his continuing at the university made little sense. My third roommate (I moved out of the wild drugs and sex dorm in the middle of the first semester) made it to Junior year, but I really don't know how, given how inadequately he was prepared to deal with being responsible for himself.

In my Junior and Senior years, I ran the hot-line, and I cannot count the number of freshman who were simply overwhelmed by the shock of their first, legitimate on-their-own experience. Their parents clearly did absolutely nothing to prepare them for practicing personal responsibility. They had the book-knowledge, of course - their parents and/or ministers outlined their behavioral expectations pretty-well, for sure - but these freshman had never experienced any short periods of personal recognizance. They went from being in the cradle of their parents' discretion to weeks-upon-weeks of being "unsupervised". It was a disaster for many.

Remarkably, this doesn't necessarily lead to a "Yes" answer to the poll question. A parent is absolutely responsible for the conduct of their minor children if they allow them to be unsupervised. If you don't feel that your teen is trustworthy enough to put your neck on the line like that - to do the "right thing" for a few days, at least - then you shouldn't allow this kind of thing.

Kids can have a lot of freedom and be independent without having to go away to a beach house alone with a boyfriend. I trust my DS18 but I would not have allowed him to go away for a weekend with a girl when he was in high school. He leaves for college in a couple weeks and he is totally prepared, well as much as any kid can be I guess. He has had a lot of freedom because he has earned it but he still would not be allowed to go away alone with a girl for a weekend.

 

[kamik86]

He has had a lot of freedom because he has earned it but he still would not be allowed to go away alone with a girl for a weekend.

However in a few weeks you could go months (I saw my parents about every 3 months) without seeing him and for all you know he could be living with a girl the whole time. (Since in college where the school says you live and where you actually sleep are very often different. All 3 years I had roomates they very seldom slept in the dorms. One was a local that was paying for the dorms just so mom wouldn't know she wasn't home every night because she was sleeping at her boyfriends)

 

[Jennasis]

It is a beach house about 3 hours away. I realize that they can have sex in the back of a car in a parking lot at home, I am more in the camp that if you allow your DD to go away with a boy, ALONE, for a weekend her reputation will soon be not what you would want. Call me old fashioned but there are repercussions of this beyond having sex and yes, it is a double standard between boys and girls but it is what it is.

So going away with her steady boyfriend will hurt her rep more than having sex in the back of a car in a parking lot?





Hey, it's TOTALLY cool if you wouldn't let your kid go for whatever reason. My mom didn't let me stay overnight with my bf when I was 18 (and we got into a HUGE row over it.). I get it. But if the kid's having sex, she's having sex. The location won't change anything. MAYBE the number of partners might, or the status of the current partner.

 

[bicker]

However in a few weeks you could go months (I saw my parents about every 3 months) without seeing him and for all you know he could be living with a girl the whole time.

This is exactly the point. The idea that one can give limited freedoms and expect that to be adequate preparation for being utterly unsupervised for effectively weeks, if not months, on end, is ridiculous imho. Throwing young people into the lake, like that, relegating their future to a sink-or-swim approach to preparing them for life, is just asking for trouble. Preparation for life is best as a gradual experience.

 

[gina2000]

I think there's a pretty big difference between knowing/guessing your child is having sex and condoning it. Letting your child go away with a partner unchaparoned is obviously condoning his/her actions.

Having said that, I truly don't know what I would do. I'm not a prude...but when it comes to my child....hmmmm.... I guess I have to decide the message I want to send. What are the boundaries? And how do I justify them? I know my parents practiced "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy with us. And we knew that they wouldn't approve of our actions though they understood them.