Would this upset you? WWYD

[manning]

We have family members like that and have found the best way to handle it is they can do whatever they want as long as it does not affect us. We have enough to do involving our immediate family. You don't need the extra baggage. It would just raise your blood pressure.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are right in many respects Indiana Rose!

Actually, the fact that everything about this situation IS everyone's business contributes greatly to this problem.

But, the current facts of the matter are that this is all open and has been made the OP's business.

How do the mother and the brother and SIL think it is going to benefit the OP by openly discussing (flaunting) all of this in front of the OP, while the mother stands there with her hand in the OP's pocket.

OP, this is actually an important point that we are revisiting here.... Just how are you sure that your brother is not paying anything? How are you sure that your mother picks up their kids every day, and does not ask for gas money... I can only assume that they have no problem discussing this with you, or in front of you, right to your face.

First, it sounds like there are no healthy boundaries in your family.

Second, it sounds like they are very happy to openly (subtley or not) flaunt this at you.




WDW4me is right, it is good to come here and vent, and to 'chew' on this and digest it all and mull it over.
One should NEVER be made to feel bad or guilty for their feelings.

Only you can decide if you are being blatently slighted and disrespected.
Only YOU can decide what you are comfortable with.

Personally for me ( I can only speak for myself ) I would be able to deal with some favoritism... the clothes, books, etc..... That, I think I would be able to let go of that completely. I would not be holding any 'accounting'....

But, I would not be comfortable handing cash over to my mom while knowing that I am basically enabling this and watching it happen, and hearing all about it.

Your mother has every right to 'do' for her grandchildren. Whether it is 'equal' or not.
But, when it comes to asking you for cash... to me, that is the kicker.

 

[DSNLvR]

You are right in many respects Indiana Rose!

Actually, the fact that everything about this situation IS everyone's business contributes greatly to this problem.

But, the current facts of the matter are that this is all open and has been made the OP's business.

How do the mother and the brother and SIL think it is going to benefit the OP by openly discussing (flaunting) all of this in front of the OP, while the mother stands there with her hand in the OP's pocket.

OP, this is actually an important point that we are revisiting here.... Just how are you sure that your brother is not paying anything? How are you sure that your mother picks up their kids every day, and does not ask for gas money... I can only assume that they have no problem discussing this with you, or in front of you, right to your face.

First, it sounds like there are no healthy boundaries in your family.

Second, it sounds like they are very happy to openly (subtley or not) flaunt this at you.




WDW4me is right, it is good to come here and vent, and to 'chew' on this and digest it all and mull it over.
One should NEVER be made to feel bad or guilty for their feelings.

Only you can decide if you are being blatently slighted and disrespected.
Only YOU can decide what you are comfortable with.

Personally for me ( I can only speak for myself ) I would be able to deal with some favoritism... the clothes, books, etc..... That, I think I would be able to let go of that completely. I would not be holding any 'accounting'....

But, I would not be comfortable handing cash over to my mom while knowing that I am basically enabling this and watching it happen, and hearing all about it.

Your mother has every right to 'do' for her grandchildren. Whether it is 'equal' or not.
But, when it comes to asking you for cash... to me, that is the kicker.

She has my kids when she picks them up so I know she is picking them up. I know they are not paying her because she tells me they dont, and haven't. Plus DSIL has asked me before what I pay because she had intentions of paying for the child care and gas...that was over a year ago, she never did it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

All right, substitute jealousy? Or even perseverating about how unfair it is. Explain how those feelings benefit the OP, her children, her husband? Same point.

How is it jealousy?

If it were any other situation and you were made to pay while other people were free, it would be a problem. Wouldn't it?

Or do you spend your life not worrying if your money is wisely spent or not?


I would be particularly miffed if my money were enabling the situation and while we don't know all the details. I would certainly wonder where dear grandma is getting all the money for her genorisity to the other family.

I'm sure if OP wanted to help her siblings and nephews/nieces--she would.

 

[Tink888]

You are right in many respects Indiana Rose!

Actually, the fact that everything about this situation IS everyone's business contributes greatly to this problem.

But, the current facts of the matter are that this is all open and has been made the OP's business.

How do the mother and the brother and SIL think it is going to benefit the OP by openly discussing (flaunting) all of this in front of the OP, while the mother stands there with her hand in the OP's pocket.

OP, this is actually an important point that we are revisiting here.... Just how are you sure that your brother is not paying anything? How are you sure that your mother picks up their kids every day, and does not ask for gas money... I can only assume that they have no problem discussing this with you, or in front of you, right to your face.

First, it sounds like there are no healthy boundaries in your family.

Second, it sounds like they are very happy to openly (subtley or not) flaunt this at you.




WDW4me is right, it is good to come here and vent, and to 'chew' on this and digest it all and mull it over.
One should NEVER be made to feel bad or guilty for their feelings.

Only you can decide if you are being blatently slighted and disrespected.
Only YOU can decide what you are comfortable with.

Personally for me ( I can only speak for myself ) I would be able to deal with some favoritism... the clothes, books, etc..... That, I think I would be able to let go of that completely. I would not be holding any 'accounting'....

But, I would not be comfortable handing cash over to my mom while knowing that I am basically enabling this and watching it happen, and hearing all about it.

Your mother has every right to 'do' for her grandchildren. Whether it is 'equal' or not.
But, when it comes to asking you for cash... to me, that is the kicker.

I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. The situation is unfair and the OP is entitled to be upset about it but I disagree that the OP is enabling anything.

Her mother is still providing childcare to the OP and asking to be compensated. How and on what the mother chooses to spend that money is entirely up to her whether it's on the other grandchild, or giving money to the son or spending it all at the racetrack. She earned the money and it's hers to spend as she wants. She could do the same thing if she was working in an office and earning income that way.

I agree that it isn't fair to not require compensation for the other grandchild as well, and that it creates resentment but again, people are going to do what they want in the end. The OP cannot change or control that. She can only control her own responses and actions. The OP has every right to feel upset but needs to figure out how much she'll let it upset her because I doubt that Mom and brother are spending very much time being upset about it KWIM?

FWIW OP, you seem like a pretty level-headed and responsible person and that puts you in a much better position than your brother and SIL in the grand scheme of things. I know that isn't much consolation but it's something. It really is. And I'll bet your Mom realizes that as well.

This thread makes me think of the Serenity prayer......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[DSNLvR]

How is it jealousy?

If it were any other situation and you were made to pay while other people were free, it would be a problem. Wouldn't it?

Or do you spend your life not worrying if your money is wisely spent or not?


I would be particularly miffed if my money were enabling the situation and while we don't know all the details. I would certainly wonder where dear grandma is getting all the money for her genorisity to the other family.

I'm sure if OP wanted to help her siblings and nephews/nieces--she would.

I would if I knew the situation they were in was out of their control. In this case it isn't. I can't help them because I dont have any money...I give it all away

 

[DSNLvR]

I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. The situation is unfair and the OP is entitled to be upset about it but I disagree that the OP is enabling anything.

Her mother is still providing childcare to the OP and asking to be compensated. How and on what the mother chooses to spend that money is entirely up to her whether it's on the other grandchild, or giving money to the son or spending it all at the racetrack. She earned the money and it's hers to spend as she wants. She could do the same thing if she was working in an office and earning income that way.

I agree that it isn't fair to not require compensation for the other grandchild as well, and that it creates resentment but again, people are going to do what they want in the end. The OP cannot change or control that. She can only control her own responses and actions. The OP has every right to feel upset but needs to figure out how much she'll let it upset her because I doubt that Mom and brother are spending very much time being upset about it KWIM?

FWIW OP, you seem like a pretty level-headed and responsible person and that puts you in a much better position than your brother and SIL in the grand scheme of things. I know that isn't much consolation but it's something. It really is. And I'll bet your Mom realizes that as well.

This thread makes me think of the Serenity prayer......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you, that was a very kind post.

 

[rie'smom]

You have 2 kids and work full time. Your DH works full time. Your mom watches your kids while you work, she's asks that you pay her, you guys come to an agreed upon amount. You pay her weekly and have for years.


Your brother and sister in law both work full time, and have 2 kids - same ages as yours. They make more than you and have less bills. Grandma watches their kids for free because your SIL blows her paycheck before she gets it and puts her family in a financial ruin every month. Grandma will not ask them for money.

Are you my long lost sister? I think we share a brother.

 

[DSNLvR]

Are you my long lost sister? I think we share a brother.

 

[snykymom]

Just to add one more variable into the mix, from Mom's point of view:

We are talking about the Mom's relationship to a daughter and a daughter-in-law. Perhaps Mom is terrified to ask DIL for money for fear of being called a "Monster-in-Law" and being forbidden from seeing the grandchildren at all? Just as our kids can be angels with strangers but fall apart when they come home because they know Mom will still love them anyway, the OP's mother knows that the OP will never hold the grandchildren from her. But she isn't sure of that with DIL.

Just a thought - maybe the OP's mom isn't so terrible after all.

 

[ols386]

Just to add one more variable into the mix, from Mom's point of view:

We are talking about the Mom's relationship to a daughter and a daughter-in-law. Perhaps Mom is terrified to ask DIL for money for fear of being called a "Monster-in-Law" and being forbidden from seeing the grandchildren at all? Just as our kids can be angels with strangers but fall apart when they come home because they know Mom will still love them anyway, the OP's mother knows that the OP will never hold the grandchildren from her. But she isn't sure of that with DIL.

Just a thought - maybe the OP's mom isn't so terrible after all.

That thought had crossed my mind also.

I honestly don't think the op's mother is terrible at all. I think it's a situation that she and the op don't really know exactly how to handle....mainly because of the behavior of the brother and sil.

Not a situation I'd want to be in, from either perspective.

 

[FayeW]

Maybe you should offer to take over paying for nephew's hockey every month in lieu of paying your mother.

Tell Mom you are just going to cut out the middle man. Maybe she will get the point.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, before you do any of the things suggested on this thread; you need to figure out if its worth possibly messing up the relationship your kids have with your mom.

If they start realizing that you think they are not treated fairly, they will automatically think that way too and they will begin to resent their grandmother, their uncle and aunt and their cousins. Would you really want that? Is it really worth it?

 

[Katy Belle]

Yes, I would be upset. What would I do....probably nothing. It is not fair but there isn't much you can do about it.

My DHs parents do this on a smaller scale. Luckily we live 1,000s of miles away, so it just bugs me a few weeks a year instead of every day! They babysit DSILs 2 kids for free, a couple of days a week and have them most days that DSIL is not working. This summer they had the boy nearly every day, from 7a.m. until 10 p.m. They take him out to eat with them every night, pay for everything for him, take him to the Fairs, etc. We were there visiting so we were going to these things too, but were expected to pay for our own way, every single time.
SIL acts like they have no money. I doubt her parents know how much SIL and her DH make. They are always saying, "Poor suzie and bob, they have no $." Well, about 5 years ago Suzie asked my DH for tax help, so I know that they make over $100,000 a year. They live in a small midwestern community and the cost of living is low, low, low. They paid $5,000 for thier house, plus paid to fix it up. Before buying this house their rent was $250 a month for a big house. They pay for ONE DAY of babysitting a week, the Grandparents do the other 4 days for free. Poor Suzie. Poor Suzie and Bob probably have a million in the bank.

It bugs me. Yes it does. But I have made a decision to stay.out.of.it In the whole grand scheme of things, I want to have a positive relationship with my husband's parents. They are adults and can make their own decisons. I have been tempted so many times to mention the salary of 5 years ago...but so far have resisted. My SIL is a TAKER. In every sense of the word. Years ago I made a decision to be polite to her and that is it, no more. It has worked pretty well. Also, we are only there a few weeks a year, so its pretty easy.

Hugs to you. You do have the right to be upset. Your mom is not being fair.

Katy

 

[mtomlin66]

OP - This would definitely bother me. No advice about what to do, since most posts have given you more than enough to mull over.

When you do talk to your mom, perhaps the most valuable thing could be that she is able to see how this appears from your point of view. Also, I have to believe that if she realized that her not making them pay is actually helping to enable the poor financial choices they make, then maybe she would recognize that it would be to everyone's benefit that she is paid for the service that she provides. As others have mentioned, enabling DB and SIL to be financially irresponsible is really a shortsighted solution.

If your mother could look at this objectively, I have to believe that she would see that in the long run she is not doing anyone a favor by continuing to allow them free childcare. What happens if she is no longer able to babysit for them? They would have to make other arrangements and pay for childcare. Your mother probably thought she was past the days of having to make the "right" parenting choice and follow through (ie. forcing them to pay for childcare and be accountable for their financial responsibilities), rather than give in and let them do what they want(ie. don't pay for childcare and spend that money on non necessities). Even though it is easier to give in, following through with what is right will help DB and SIL in the long run.


Best of luck as you deal with this difficult situation. Please keep us updated.

 

[barkley]

just want to share what can happen down the line with these kinds of situations-

dh and i have a friend who was 1 of 3 kids. her mom was the same way, and she was the recipient. her mom never charged her for childcare vs. charging her siblings, 'grandma' always paid for her daughter's activites, always came up with the book fair, field trip....money. as a result the friend never had to push herself to earn the kind of money she needed to in order to support the lifestyle she and her daughter lived. never had to worry about unanticipated expenses cuz her mom was always there.

mom died very unexpectedly a several years back. friend took for granted what her mom did-never realy realized how much all those things mom picked up for her cost, how much her child's school clothes cost-how much the HIGH end school clothes her dd had developed a taste for getting on grandmas $$$ truly cost, how much daycare alone cost. she was in a financial mess which she's never realy gotten out of (old habits in spending die hard).

now the granddaughter is in her mid 20's and her relationship with her mother is awful-she learned what she lived and grew up with the presumption that her mother is OBLIGATED to provide free childcare, OBLIGATED to pick up the bills she can't pay because she's blown her paycheck-she was floored there was no free ride for college she just assumed by the lifestyle they lived when she was growing up that money was being put away by mom (after all she always heard her friends complaining about how they could'nt get certain things because their parents could'nt afford it if they were going to pay for college so she figured since she was getting those things college tuition was a done deal).

so now it's a second generation with no clue about finances and budgeting, the price this person and her child are paying for grandma enabling bad financial habits far exceeds any amount they would have paid for childcare and the 'wants' that were within their financial reach.

 

[Wishing on a star]

People can only be taken advantage of if they ALLOW and enable it.

This goes for the MOM (with the brother and SIL)
And the OP (with the Mom taking cash from her)


Nope, the OP can't control the fact that her mother will show favoritism...
But, IMHO, she can control the fact that she is giving her mother cash in this very inappropriate situation.

Again, with me, the cash would be a kicker.
I would, very nicely, ask for equality in this direct child-care situation.
(NOTE: not one single word about all of the other issues, like SIL's spending, favoritism, etc... JUST the childcare arrangements)

Whether it be "free for all'
or "same price for all"

I would let my mother know how this was making me feel.
I would ask my mother if she did not think that she could be more fair in the child care arrangements.
Her mother's reaction is what will speak volumes.

No matter how much the mother 'enables' this brother and SIL, I would never begin to think that this will ever change...
None of my business, etc...

But, when you are being charged for something that is also being offered for free... yes, that is one's business.

I have seen situations where one sibling is 'helping' the elderly parent while another 'scum' sibling is taking.
Yes, it does come down to money coming out of ones pocket into the other siblings.
No doubt about it.

As I have said before.
If the brother and SIL are 'takers', the the OP is only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Just wait until her mother is more elderly and possessions and finances come into play.

 

[luvsJack]

But the OP has to decide which is more important, the "unfairness" of paying for something someone else is getting for free or her relationship with her family.

Sometimes letting go of something and letting people just be who they are and the way they are is the better road to take. Not for the other people but for yourself.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, nobody is suggesting that the OP try to change them, or keep them from being who they are.
This is ONLY about equality in the childcare situation.
It is ONLY about the fact that her mother is taking cash from her.
It is clear that all the other favoritism is outside of the OP's control.
And, the OP has lived with this for a long time.

One's relationship with family should not be 'for sale'.

If her family would have such a problem with her asking for some equality, then that is THEIR choice.
If they would throw away their relationships with the OP and her children over her request for some equality.... that is THEM
The OP can not control their attitudes and actions.
That is something that she should not 'take ownership' of or feel bad about.
She has done nothing wrong.

Based on the OP's comments so far, I really doubt that her family would ostracize her over asking for some equal consideration here.

If they would react that way, then it is better that the OP know sooner than later just where she stands with them.

 

[luvsJack]

But if she tells her mom that she "expects to be treated equally" and if her mom says she just can't do that right now and has reasons for it; what then?

Before you take a stand, you have to know how far you are willing to take it. Do you only want to bring it to your mom's attention? Do you want to demand equal treatment? And if that's what you do, what if you can't get it?

If it was me paying my own mother, I may comment "well, they really should be paying you too" and she would say "i know, but don't say anything". So then what? Should I demand that my brother pay? Should I demand that my mom ask for payment? Or should I demand that my mom keep my kids for free, too? And if its the last, doesn't that just bring me down to my brother and/or sil's level? And if its either of the first two, don't you think that would sort of put a strain on the relationship?

Nope, just not worth it imho. And I agree that its not fair. There is no doubt about that, I just don't know that continuing to worry about it, fret on it or feel treated unfairly is going to help anything. I would just have to let it go and move on.

Oh, and lastly; you are correct one's relationship with their family should not be for sale. That's why I wouldn't let what I was paying my mom for child care cause family problems. Her mom shouldn't be expected to keep her kids for free or her brother's kids for free. The OP can feel good that she, at least, is doing the right thing.