Would this bother you- Facebook related Update post 69

[ohiomom28]

On Facebook, if you do a search even on the person's last name, it will bring up everyone with that last name, usually people in your network 1st. It would be sinple to come across it without even trying. I, myself have searched on my last name. Tell him thats how you found it and go from there. He has more explaining to do than you do.

 

[vettechick99]

Are you sure he is traveling for business?
As in, have you seen his plane ticket and his itinerary? Check his phone bill. I would not ask anything until I'd done some snooping. And DO NOT act suspicious before you are ready to confront. I know how hard this is. Tell him you are PMSing if you can't hide your feelings any other way, or have a headache or dreading work or something.

And as another wise poster said, when you ask him about it, make him sit down with you and show it all to you right then. RIGHT THEN.

I would suggest a keylogger, to be honest.

Did you suspect before you found this?

I am so sorry. As someone who has been there done that, this sucks so bad.

ditto! keylogger is great. I also would check his call logs. If you have verizon, you can look up both calls and data. PM me if you need directions on how to do so. It's easy!

 

[ginna74]

you can look up messages on verizon???? I thought you couldn't, always thought a warrant had to be ordered... please do share

 

[luvestodizz]

Not much to update. I know for sure he is working out of town.There are other coworkers with him too and they travel home together. I did check the vwireless account but many cell numbers can't be reversed looked up.It only shows the number for text messages too. He does have a work cell phone but I have no way to access that unless I have the phone in hand and it wasnt around this weekend. Hmmm?? He has his laptop with him so I'm not sure how I'd get a keylogger on it.

She is definitely the old girlfriend and it is his page no doubt about that. I will see him again Friday and still don't know what to do. I may just tell him my suspicions since my snooping so far has not gone very well.

 

[Melrosgirl]

I would definitely send a friend request to the other name. No doubt about it.

In the request, I'd say something like "hi, honey, I think I should be friends with this name, too!" All sweet and innocent.

Do this when he is in town, so you can see his reaction. Don't be surprised if he accepts you and then it turns out he has no other friends (bc he'll unfriend the girlfriend right before accepting you as a friend).

He may be "innocent" in all of this (i.e., he isn't having an affair, but he is definitely being sneaky about being friends with her.)

 

[patsfan101]

How to destroy your marriage in one easy lesson-SPY ON YOUR SPOUSE-it is garunteed to destroy trust and alienate affection and make them suspisious of everything YOU do. Ask him about it outright-take his answer at face value unless he gives a reason not to-and then may i suggest you BOTH DELETE your face book accounts? the internet and socialnetworking contribute a huge amount to failed marriages?" why-one party does something to cover whar they are doing to avoid upsetting the other-the second party starts to spy and finds something they think is suspisioius-and posts on a message board where 200 well intentioned friends say-spy somemore-hes cheating on you-divorce him hes cheating on you! Grow up-talk to your spouse about an issue that belongs between you and your spouse and get rid of the sourse of the problem.

I whole-heartedly agree. Playing games has no place in a marriage.

 

[Scurvy]

I would just ask my husband. I would tell him I came across this other page and is it him? See what he says!!

I have old boyfriends as friends on Facebook. My DH thinks nothing of it. I would do the same for him. I love seeing how everyone turned out. There is no chance I am ever leaving my dh for an old flame and vice versa. So, I would just ask.

My high school boyfriend's wife is pyscho though. I was very close to his family - his parents were like my parents and unfortunately because of her issues he has lost several friends from back then. I could see him doing something like this where he has to hide his friends. Not saying that this is your situation what so ever, but maybe your husband needs to be reminded that you are more easy going than he may think so that he has nothing to hide!

Good luck!

I was about to write a post just like this! Not to say that the OP is psycho - I'm sure she isn't. But it is possible that he isn't "up to anything", and just thinks the OP would have a problem with him being friends with his ex. Of course that still doesn't make it okay, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be.

I'm sure the OP's situation isn't anything like this one, but I was friends with my high school boyfriend for a long time - my husband even became friends with him - and then I discovered that his crazy wife didn't know we were still friends. She thought he had cut me out of his life completely. At the time I felt like I shouldn't come between the crazy wife and her husband and that I should respect their marriage enough to leave them both alone so I told him we couldn't have contact unless she knew. I really regret that now - his wife was nuts and she has cut him off from everyone he knew before her. I could totally see him creating a fake facebook account to get back in touch with his friends again, and frankly I think he ought to.

 

[disykat]

I agree that games have no place in a marriage, but when you discover that unbeknowst to you your husband has been playing them - you have to do what you have to do.

There is no excuse for his hiding a face book page to befriend his exgirlfriend.

In this case, I would snoop to protect myself. This act shows him to be dishonest and it might be your only hope for the truth. Hopefully he will prove to be innocent, but asking a liar for the truth probably won't work. Snooping is self defense under these circumstances.

 

[KSchwagg86]

Hm this is strange...keep us updated and good luck!

 

[AllyandJack]

It's not really spying if you're smacked in the face with evidence of something wrong going on.

I'm not sure what prompted the OP to search her H's name on FB.

In my case, all I had to do was open my cell phone bill, notice it was more than I thought it should be, pulled up the details and saw a chatline charge. After that, I manipulated a few things with the cell phones (I had any e-mail sent to his account forwarded to my account) and that's when I found out about his MySpace page.

Snooping? Maybe? But, you know what being honest got me? Nowhere. It got me a denial and some idiotic story about a guy at work using his phone. Unfortunately, for him, the date on the phone bill showed the chatline charge happened on a weekend. I didn't buy it....I pretended I did. Even Sprint believed him and reversed the charge. But, I didn't buy it, which is why I went a step further with my snooping by giving myself access to the e-mail.

It's one thing to be annoying and snoop for no reason, but when you have genuine evidence of something not being quite right, further investigation is warranted. Many times, being direct just keeps things hidden - he stopped using his chat line account when I found out about it. Guess he thought I wouldn't discover the MySpace account.

Once I busted him on that and he was essentially forced to show me his cell phone, he thought he deleted everything. He didn't. I found more proof that this "guy at work" story was bull.

It's not like the OP (or myself) woke up one morning and said, "Hey, I think I'll try and snoop and try and catch my spouse doing something inappropriate!" No. It started with having something inappropriate brought to light and, generally, if you slam them on the 1st thing you find, they blow it off, and be more careful to hide things.

I don't think the OP is accusing her H of cheating. I don't think my H cheated on me. But, cheating isn't far off from inappropriate behavior and this, without a REALLY good reason, is inappropriate.

 

[teacups]

Give him the chance to come clean.... make up a whopper. Tell him that this guy you used to know found you on facebook and it's so cool to talk to old friends blaugh blaugh blaugh.... see if he fesses up. If he does not, you might have trouble on your hands. Good luck.

 

[vettechick99]

I'm totally FOR getting evidence before you confront/ask him. Men will lie. Even the good ones.

The OP's DH is already being deceitful so chances are he will lie his way out of this situation. I can't think of any good reasons to be friends with an ex on facebook on a HIDDEN account. Not one good reason. Do I think he's cheating? Maybe not, but he's crossing the line. And the fact that the OP even searched out her DH's name means she was suspicious.

99% of the time, our sneaking suspicions are correct.

 

[CJ's Mommy]

I'm totally FOR getting evidence before you confront/ask him. Men will lie. Even the good ones.

The OP's DH is already being deceitful so chances are he will lie his way out of this situation. I can't think of any good reasons to be friends with an ex on facebook on a HIDDEN account. Not one good reason. Do I think he's cheating? Maybe not, but he's crossing the line. And the fact that the OP even searched out her DH's name means she was suspicious.

99% of the time, our sneaking suspicions are correct.

vettechick, you and I are likethis! 100% total agreement!

The pp's saying snooping doesn't belong in a marriage have never been in a marriage where snooping is warranted. Nobody WANTS to snoop. I don't think the OP is happy with the situation she's in, but it requires dealing with and you need to be smart about these things. He's already lying, why would he start telling the truth now? Just cause he's asked? Maybe, if nothing else is going on...but I don't think so. Very suspicious.

 

[~disneydiva~]

I'm totally FOR getting evidence before you confront/ask him. Men will lie. Even the good ones.


99% of the time, our sneaking suspicions are correct.

I totally agree with this!

 

[2binak]

Yes it would bother me and yes I'd be suspicious. With all of the security features FB has, there's no reason to have a 2nd account for just one friend. If he didn't want her to see certain aspects of his Mike account, he could create limits to what she could see.

DH & I both have ex's on our FB accounts and we both told each other before we accepted the friend requests. We also have each other's passwords to FB and our e-mail accounts.

 

[sbell111]

Not much to update. I know for sure he is working out of town.There are other coworkers with him too and they travel home together. I did check the vwireless account but many cell numbers can't be reversed looked up.It only shows the number for text messages too. He does have a work cell phone but I have no way to access that unless I have the phone in hand and it wasnt around this weekend. Hmmm?? He has his laptop with him so I'm not sure how I'd get a keylogger on it.

She is definitely the old girlfriend and it is his page no doubt about that. I will see him again Friday and still don't know what to do. I may just tell him my suspicions since my snooping so far has not gone very well.

Just talk to your husband.

I'm constantly surprised at how much work people put into NOT having simple conversations.

 

[ChrizJen]

I would talk to him about it. Maybe after he comes back from his trip.
My stance is that it very well could be something serious going on between your DH and this exGF, OR as another poster pointed out, it could be that he just wanted to "catch up" with her, and was afraid of how you would respond to that. So rather than open up a can of worms up front, he hid it from you. I'm not saying that this is OK. But just talking to this woman via Facebook and catching up would definitely be a lesser offense than if he were doing other things with her.
And when you do talk to him about it, perhaps try to aproach it with a somewhat level head rather than accusing him right off the bat. I could be naive, but I would cautiously give him the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully he was just afraid of how you would react if you knew he was talking to her.
Good luck!

 

[lg3]

With all due respect, if you have to hide something from your spouse because it might upset them...you have to ask yourself, is what I am doing worth risking my marriage? If it upsets my spouse, do I NEED to do it?

Unless your spouse is a control freak who wants to manipulate your every move, then the answer should be no. And if your spouse is a control freak puppet master, you have bigger issues on your hands.
How to destroy a marriage in ONE EASY LESSON -- be duplicitous and sneak around behind your spouse's back in order to talk to an ex. If it is worth sneaking around, he needs to be asking himself why is he prioritizing talking to his ex so highly? I think most people (again, talking about reasonable people, not control freaks) only start 'snooping' when their suspicions have been aroused. Until then, we are just as trustful as the people on here in solid marriages.
If it is innocent, there is no reason to hide it. If it is not innocent, she can't assume he will tell the truth because she asks. If it is not innocent, he is no longer acting as her partner. Regular rules of communication will not apply.
Hopefully he was just being stupid.

Amen!! ITA with this analysis.
Best of luck to the OP.

 

[disykat]

Just talk to your husband.

I'm constantly surprised at how much work people put into NOT having simple conversations.

Seriously? Asking your spouse why he is hiding an on-line relationship with an ex-girlfriend is a simple conversation to you?

 

[sbell111]

Seriously? Asking your spouse why he is hiding an on-line relationship with an ex-girlfriend is a simple conversation to you?

It sure might be. Either way, it's easier than the hand wringing thats going on in this thread or the fruitless skullduggery.