Dear Oprah and Weight Loss Team:
I was watching your show yesterday. It happened to be about getting out of your fat zone, and you were highlighting stories of people who had lost life-changing amounts of weight. I saw how inspiring these people were, and realized that I too would like to give people some inspiration. I have to believe that I was as heavy as I was so that I could lose the weight, and share my story with others to help them. I also believe that if I can do it, anybody can.
At 22 years old, I stood six feet, two inches tall, and weighed 352 pounds. I always tried to ignore how heavy I was, but it was tearing me up inside. It was affecting almost every aspect of my life; from my relationships, to my self-esteem, and also to my career dreams.
Im a singer. Ive always felt like I was born to be on stage. All throughout grade school and high school, I participated in musicals, plays, choruses, and any other venue that was at my disposal. All of that led to my desire to be a solo singer. I want to make records, and go on tour. I had my chance at one point in New York to sing in a cabaret type of setting. I went to a small restaurant that was having an open mic night. It was Sams restaurant on 45th street, in the heart of the theater district. I got on stage to sing and I absolutely froze. I was so self-conscious that I forgot the words. I made a complete fool of myself in front of everybody. This made me unbelievably depressed; not just because I was so embarrassed, but I knew then that I could never be what I wanted to be, looking the way I did. Id always made myself think that I could succeed, no matter what, but this was a very humiliating wake-up call that my own self-esteem would never allow me to be a performer.
I had even more of these proverbial wake-up calls that slid right past me. A few months later, I was starting a new job, and moving out on my own for the first time. My mothers advice to me was to get life insurance. She was afraid that I was going to die of a heart attack, and that she wouldnt be able to afford an over-sized casket.
My relationship wake-up call was even more depressing. I had a girlfriend and I couldnt continue the relationship because Id tell myself that she deserved to be with someone more attractive than I was. I felt completely isolated, and heartbroken because I felt like I would never be able to have somebody to grow old with. I felt like Id never have friends. This led to even further depression, and eventually, I had to begin taking Zoloft.
In between all of these wake-up calls, Id try to lose weight on my own. I had the Weight Watchers materials, and three or four times, I got myself into the mindset that I could do it! I could do anything! But without having to face a scale, and without accountability for my food choices, Id fall into old habits and would gain weight before Id lose any.
The last straw was a trip to Disney World. I hadnt been to Disney World since 1986, so when I booked a trip in July of 2001, I was so excited! But that excitement quickly turned to anxiety. I was terrified that I would get to Disney World, and wouldnt fit onto any of the rides. From that July until we left in January of 2002, not a day went by that I didnt worry about that. Not only would I not be able to ride, but I would be humiliated in front of people because I couldnt fit.
Once we got there, I found that I did fit into most of the ride vehicles, but a few of them worried me so much, that I refused to even get in line. I was miserable, and thinking the whole time that I should be having the time of my life.
After having the pictures from the trip developed, my father saw one of me on the teacup ride, and said, Wow. You really fill out a teacup. My own father was making fat jokes about me. At the time, I was not only embarrassed and depressed, but angry. Now, looking back, those seven words changed my life, and I wont ever be able to adequately thank my father for saying them.
Those emotions that embarrassment, and depression, and anger were the catalysts for my determination. I would not allow myself to fall into old habits. I had to lose weight because I was sick of the fat jokes. I was sick of the embarrassment. I was sick of being depressed. I was sick of being tired all the time. I was sick of having to shop at a place that I dubbed: the fat man store. I was sick of missing out on so much because I was overweight.
I needed to have all of those emotions to get over the embarrassment of stepping on the scale when I joined Weight Watchers. But at that first meeting, I knew that I could do it. Terry was my leader, and she had lost 110 pounds. She and the rest of the members became such an amazing support group through all of my weight loss efforts. My best friend Lisa also was there to support me, and to smack my hand when it reached for a Twinkie when I shouldnt have had one. My family was also incredibly supportive. My mother paid for me to attend the Weight Watchers meetings, and offered encouragement along the way.
Since March 6 of 2002, I have lost 140 pounds. I still would like to lose a few more pounds, that I can now proudly say are vanity pounds! I feel like an entirely new person. For the first time in my life, I am able to shop at the mall, and I love it. For the first time ever, there are clothes from Structure, Aeropostale, and Old Navy in my closet. For the first time ever, I can walk down the street with confidence, and not worry about people staring at me because Im so fat.
There was no earth-shattering secret to losing weight. It was small changes; things like cutting portions in half, ordering fish when I could instead of heavy pasta dishes in cream sauce, taking half-hour walks instead of watching TV, and learning that when something positive happened, I could reward it with something other than food. Also, facing a scale in front of someone was very helpful. And the Weight Watchers meetings were essential. I got great food ideas, and lots of support and encouragement from the other Weight Watchers members.
But the most important things that have come from this journey that I have taken are the lessons that I have learned. First and foremost, I learned about balance. I now eat a variety of foods. I eat vegetables, and proteins, and grains. If I eat a little more than I should, I try to balance it out with some exercise.
Ive also learned that everything happens for a reason. As I wrote earlier, I believe that I was destined to be overweight. I believe that was because I was supposed to lose the weight, and help others to do the same. I believe I was meant to take that trip to Disney World so that my father would see the picture, and make the comment that he did.
Your website mentioned to share my weight loss dreams and goals, and I have so many of them. One of my first goals was to wear a size 30 something. As of writing this letter, Im wearing a size 36 pair of jeans from Aeropostale that are incredibly roomy! Another goal was to be able to shop at Old Navy. I love their clothes, and most of them are incredibly inexpensive. Im proud to say that I have three pair of jeans from Old Navy! Another goal is to be able to fly on an airplane without a seatbelt extender. Im going to New York to visit some family. It wont be official until I get on the plane, but I think I can safely say that Ive realized that goal too!
Those are my goals, but you also asked for dreams. I believe theres a very fine line between those two words. I think the difference between goals and dreams is that dreams are bigger than goals. Dreams take a lot more work, and a lot more effort, but the payoff is even more exhilerating. I think that distinction needs to be made because what I listed above are my goals. Ive done those, but my dreams are going to take a lot more work.
The first is to go back to Disney World. I cant afford to go back to Disney World right now. It will take a lot of saving to be able to go back, but thats one of my dreams. I want to go through those theme parks and get in line for any ride I want. I want to have so much fun that Im tired from doing too much at the end of the day, and not because Ive had to carry around massive amounts of weight. When I can save enough, you better believe that Im going to take a picture on those teacups, and laugh about it with my father!
The second dream is my career dream. I want to sing in front of people, and have the confidence to know that theyre looking at me because of the music Im making, and not feel like theyre looking at me because Im so overweight. Theres a lot of song in me, and I finally feel like Im ready to take a chance and share that song with people.
I know you didnt ask for it, but Ive also included a few other extras. Ive enclosed a pair of jeans that I wore at my heaviest. They are a size 54. Ive also included a few songs that I recorded. I think these few things may help you to get to know me just a little bit better than just my letter and a few pictures.
