Worried H and I might be broken up before trip...what do I do?

[caselaw3]

OK- this is a depressing thought and topic but here goes:

H and I are NOT getting along - we can barely be in the same room together without fighting with each other...it is awful and I am just so sick of it...I am trying to muddle through it so the kids can have this family trip together but I just don't know it it is going to work - -- but we already have our tickets and they are non-transferable....what happens if we break up before the trip? Would I be able to change the tickets then?

I know that sounds like a flippant question in light of the seriousness of the situation but I have been planning this trip for over a year and my children have been looking forward to it - but I can't afford to throw away that kind of money and would rather give the ticket to seomone else (like my mom) ...

how would something like that work?

thanks

 

[Sheilby]

Only the plane ticket can't be switched (assuming you bought non-refundable tickets). The park tickets can be switched until they are used. Disney will have no problem switching your husband out for your mom.

Of course none of that really matters because I'm sure your kids are more worried about their mom and dad being together than seeing Mickey Mouse.

You need to not worry about Disney and you and your husband need to figure out what is wrong. Marriages can be fixed, it just takes a little work. Get the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis - seriously, get it.

Oh, and good luck.

 

[Chabby]

About the trip: Can you guys talk about it and agree to be polite and set your differences aside during the trip?

Regarding your marriage in general, my DH and I also got to the point that we would fight over everything and decided to separate. Right on that second, when we thought of life away from each other, we realized that whatever we were going through could and should be worked out, because the thought of being appart was too painful. So we did and here we are almost 4 years later. We learned to communicate and we don't fight like that anymore.

If the relationship is worthed get help and work things out. GL!

 

[caselaw3]

Only the plane ticket can't be switched (assuming you bought non-refundable tickets). The park tickets can be switched until they are used. Disney will have no problem switching your husband out for your mom.

Of course none of that really matters because I'm sure your kids are more worried about their mom and dad being together than seeing Mickey Mouse.

You need to not worry about Disney and you and your husband need to figure out what is wrong. Marriages can be fixed, it just takes a little work. Get the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis - seriously, get it.

Oh, and good luck.

Thanks! That is good to know -

I will get that book - although I don't know that anything can help at this time - but I will try

 

[caselaw3]

About the trip: Can you guys talk about it and agree to be polite and set your differences aside during the trip?

Regarding your marriage in general, my DH and I also got to the point that we would fight over everything and decided to separate. Right on that second, when we thought of life away from each other, we realized that whatever we were going through could and should be worked out, because the thought of being appart was too painful. So we did and here we are almost 4 years later. We learned to communicate and we don't fight like that anymore.

If the relationship is worthed get help and work things out. GL!

That is what I would like to do - I don't know if we can - but it is my biggest wish for this trip --

I wish that I could say that the thought of separation is painful - but honestly - it gives me a feeling of peace to think about being apart - he was in the hospital for three days a couple of weeks ago - and I have to say that things at the house were wonderful - the children were happy and didn't act out - I was happy and relaxed (despite the stress of having two kids starting school - no day care for when they weren't in school - no idea how I was going to get them to and from school and - not being able to take time from work to deal with it)...that kinda told me that things just aren't right with us together...
I want to make it work for the kids and I want them to have this trip as a family - I am just worried that if we don't get a handle on things it won't be a good trip for anyone and I don't want this to be a bad memory for them - although maybe the vacation as a family will help us sort out everything just by being away from the real world for a bit

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

I was in your position last year. To make it worse, exH ended up in the hospital for mental health issues the week of the trip. He begged and begged for them to let him out in time for the trip, and they did.

We made the best of it for DD, and I do think it helped set a tone of working together for her best interest. He wasn't himself during the trip, and he was officially uninvited from our next trip. I had to set some boundaries for the trip - he had been in contact almost constantly with someone in another state. That wasn't going to work for me, so I had to ask him to commit fully to the trip. If he was going to physically be with us, he had to mentally be with us.

 

[caselaw3]

I was in your position last year. To make it worse, exH ended up in the hospital for mental health issues the week of the trip. He begged and begged for them to let him out in time for the trip, and they did.

We made the best of it for DD, and I do think it helped set a tone of working together for her best interest. He wasn't himself during the trip, and he was officially uninvited from our next trip. I had to set some boundaries for the trip - he had been in contact almost constantly with someone in another state. That wasn't going to work for me, so I had to ask him to commit fully to the trip. If he was going to physically be with us, he had to mentally be with us.

Thank you! That must have been a difficult trip for you...I would like to make at least the trip work for DD and DS's sake - the marriage is a whole other story and I just don't know what to do there....seems like it gets worse and worse everyday and nothing I can do or say is going to change anything - and I know he refuses to make any changes - so it seems like it is a dead end here....

 

[Sheilby]

Thank you! That must have been a difficult trip for you...I would like to make at least the trip work for DD and DS's sake - the marriage is a whole other story and I just don't know what to do there....seems like it gets worse and worse everyday and nothing I can do or say is going to change anything - and I know he refuses to make any changes - so it seems like it is a dead end here....

I do wish you the best. When people get to that point in a relationship it can be hard to break that cycle, but it can be done. Seriously, go order that book from Amazon right now or get it from your library. I'm not into all that self help mumbo jumbo, but this book had a lot of great ideas. My husband and I are pretty lucky and we were friends for years before we got together so we have a great foundation. However, there was a time when our kids were younger that I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision and I was wondering if I should just resign myself to being unhappy or get out and try to make a new life. I'm so glad I didn't walk away. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary next month and I can honestly say that our marriage is better now then it ever was before.

I truly hope it all works out. Once you have kids you are in each other's lives forever anyway.

 

[caselaw3]

I do wish you the best. When people get to that point in a relationship it can be hard to break that cycle, but it can be done. Seriously, go order that book from Amazon right now or get it from your library. I'm not into all that self help mumbo jumbo, but this book had a lot of great ideas. My husband and I are pretty lucky and we were friends for years before we got together so we have a great foundation. However, there was a time when our kids were younger that I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision and I was wondering if I should just resign myself to being unhappy or get out and try to make a new life. I'm so glad I didn't walk away. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary next month and I can honestly say that our marriage is better now then it ever was before.

I truly hope it all works out. Once you have kids you are in each other's lives forever anyway.

Thank you - I appreciate the support! I don't know if H and I have enough of a foundation at this point - what is there is very cracked and broken - and I don't think that it can be repaired because it comes from repetitive actions

 

[livndisney]

OK- this is a depressing thought and topic but here goes:

H and I are NOT getting along - we can barely be in the same room together without fighting with each other...it is awful and I am just so sick of it...I am trying to muddle through it so the kids can have this family trip together but I just don't know it it is going to work - -- but we already have our tickets and they are non-transferable....what happens if we break up before the trip? Would I be able to change the tickets then?

I know that sounds like a flippant question in light of the seriousness of the situation but I have been planning this trip for over a year and my children have been looking forward to it - but I can't afford to throw away that kind of money and would rather give the ticket to seomone else (like my mom) ...

how would something like that work?

thanks

I would like to suggest you read what you have written on this thread.

You stated you "can barely be in the same room together without fighting with each other", yet you want to share a hotel room with your children and this person. You want to add heat, humidity, rain, possible crowds, lines, ride breakdowns, transportation waits etc to this mix?

How is it "best for the children" to make this "family trip" when you say "it gives me a feeling of peace to think about being apart - he was in the hospital for three days a couple of weeks ago - and I have to say that things at the house were wonderful - the children were happy and didn't act out - I was happy and relaxed".

You also said "I don't know if H and I have enough of a foundation at this point - what is there is very cracked and broken - and I don't think that it can be repaired because it comes from repetitive actions"

Why not take a break from each other? It sounds like that might be a better idea that having a major blow out fight at MK that your kids will never forget. Even if there is no blow up-who can enjoy a vacation under THAT much stress? I am sure your kids are looking forward to having fun, not waiting for the blow up or walking on eggshells.

Park tickets you should be able to change. Plane tickets most likely no.(But it may be worth it to take the loss)

 

[caselaw3]

I would like to suggest you read what you have written on this thread.

You stated you "can barely be in the same room together without fighting with each other", yet you want to share a hotel room with your children and this person. You want to add heat, humidity, rain, possible crowds, lines, ride breakdowns, transportation waits etc to this mix?

How is it "best for the children" to make this "family trip" when you say "it gives me a feeling of peace to think about being apart - he was in the hospital for three days a couple of weeks ago - and I have to say that things at the house were wonderful - the children were happy and didn't act out - I was happy and relaxed".

You also said "I don't know if H and I have enough of a foundation at this point - what is there is very cracked and broken - and I don't think that it can be repaired because it comes from repetitive actions"

Why not take a break from each other? It sounds like that might be a better idea that having a major blow out fight at MK that your kids will never forget. Even if there is no blow up-who can enjoy a vacation under THAT much stress? I am sure your kids are looking forward to having fun, not waiting for the blow up or walking on eggshells.

Park tickets you should be able to change. Plane tickets most likely no.(But it may be worth it to take the loss)

THANK YOU! I guess sometimes you need someone else to show you what you need to see - even if you already know it and can say it yourself - when you put all my own words together like that - it really opened up my eyes....

I don't want to ruin this trip for the kids by being on edge or having a fight...

I guess it is time to take some action - H and I are going to have to have a serious discussion this weekend....

 

[livndisney]

THANK YOU! I guess sometimes you need someone else to show you what you need to see - even if you already know it and can say it yourself - when you put all my own words together like that - it really opened up my eyes....

I don't want to ruin this trip for the kids by being on edge or having a fight...

I guess it is time to take some action - H and I are going to have to have a serious discussion this weekend....

Let me put it this way, my family took a trip in 1988 I STILL remember the exact spot my family member "lost it" in Epcot.

 

[caselaw3]

I don't want to do that to my family - I appreciate the insight!

 

[rachael95]

Just a suggestion, even if you decide you still want your H to go with on the trip, you could opt for separate rooms or different hotels. It would certainly be more expensive - or maybe see about a suite that would let you spread out a bit. I will say though, if your H comes on the trip - your mother needs to stay home. Keep all parents out of discussing your marriage. Parents should have no say in a person's current spouse unless that person has divorced the other and even then, they should not make their opinions known in front of any grandchildren. Your mother probably doesn't do this, but I've seen so many marriages broken and harmed by well-meaning parents who bad-mouth spouses.

I'm another one that says, though, that marriages can be saved. DH and I were 2 days away from having the divorce finalized when we decided to try to work it out. This was about 8 years ago. It took a couple very stressful years and a LOT of marriage counseling over even more years. We now have a beautiful DS we would not have had if we'd broken up and have been married 18 years.

No marriage is perfect (ours still is not) and anyone who tries to portray their marriage as perfect is lying, to you and to themselves.

Think of marriage counseling as an oil change for your car. Everyone can put it off, but it really is something everyone ought to do periodically to keep the marriage engine running. We haven't been in a year or so since DS came along, but both of us agree that we need to keep doing it periodically just to keep things running smoothly.

 

[caselaw3]

Just a suggestion, even if you decide you still want your H to go with on the trip, you could opt for separate rooms or different hotels. It would certainly be more expensive - or maybe see about a suite that would let you spread out a bit. I will say though, if your H comes on the trip - your mother needs to stay home. Keep all parents out of discussing your marriage. Parents should have no say in a person's current spouse unless that person has divorced the other and even then, they should not make their opinions known in front of any grandchildren. Your mother probably doesn't do this, but I've seen so many marriages broken and harmed by well-meaning parents who bad-mouth spouses.

I'm another one that says, though, that marriages can be saved. DH and I were 2 days away from having the divorce finalized when we decided to try to work it out. This was about 8 years ago. It took a couple very stressful years and a LOT of marriage counseling over even more years. We now have a beautiful DS we would not have had if we'd broken up and have been married 18 years.

No marriage is perfect (ours still is not) and anyone who tries to portray their marriage as perfect is lying, to you and to themselves.

Think of marriage counseling as an oil change for your car. Everyone can put it off, but it really is something everyone ought to do periodically to keep the marriage engine running. We haven't been in a year or so since DS came along, but both of us agree that we need to keep doing it periodically just to keep things running smoothly.

Thank you! I appreciate the input. We do have a family suite booked so that might help the situation although right now I doubt it - I have given H 30 days to get himself together - to show some signs of change - it has only been five days and so far I am not hopeful but if he even shows any sign of caring enough to try - I would be willing to give him more time...and I would be willing to go to counseling but he says no, i have asked him to go to get help on his own and he says no -

i want my kids to have a great trip - i saved for a long time for this (and when I say I saved, I mean me - H doesn't work - one of our issues) so I don't want to let whatever is going on between H and myself destroy this trip for them ....

I guess I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider....

 

[sandynd]

So, one more thing to think about. PPs have brought up great points about the stress carrying over into vacation. If your H somehow holds it together for the trip, but you two separate shortly after, will the kids somehow blame the separation on Disney? Will it somehow become the bitter place instead of the happy place? I would think about the associations that little guys can make between two otherwise-unrelated but close in time significant events in their lives. Not that this is a huge consideration in the overall relationship, but another things to think about in terms of timing.

 

[GotLabradors]

Stop talking to your husband about the marriage. Just let it drop and give yourself both time to breathe. The more you talk at him about it, the more negatively he's going to see you and the marriage. Let him see you take care of things on your own. I hope things work out for you and your family.

 

[caselaw3]

So, one more thing to think about. PPs have brought up great points about the stress carrying over into vacation. If your H somehow holds it together for the trip, but you two separate shortly after, will the kids somehow blame the separation on Disney? Will it somehow become the bitter place instead of the happy place? I would think about the associations that little guys can make between two otherwise-unrelated but close in time significant events in their lives. Not that this is a huge consideration in the overall relationship, but another things to think about in terms of timing.

That is a great point and definitely something to think about! Thank you.

 

[caselaw3]

Stop talking to your husband about the marriage. Just let it drop and give yourself both time to breathe. The more you talk at him about it, the more negatively he's going to see you and the marriage. Let him see you take care of things on your own. I hope things work out for you and your family.

Thank you very much! The funny thing is that I have been so sick since Thursday that I haven't had the voice or the strength to argue with him so I have just been doing everything that needs to get done as if he isn't even threre...it has been very peaceful - probably because I can't respond to anything he says (above a whisper) so I don't even bother to react to anything...i just do what has to be done and go upstairs to bed....

maybe that will help

 

[LovesTimone]

About 22 years ago, I was sitting outside Casey's on Main Street with my DD who was 3 at the time and my parents ( who dropped everything and came with us) enjoying a hot dog and the view - watching her enjoy herself and talk about everything. There was no dark cloud hanging over our trip... That's because I left him at home.... In that moment I knew what was best for me and DD. I think my parents knew too, my Dad just took my hand and said, We are here for you, both of our girls.. we will help you. Now lets have a great vacation.!!!! And that's exactly what we did.

I would leave him at home, and take your mom. If you need a break from this - Just imagine that the kids need a break from this to. They know what's going on, they are smart and intuitive - Hopefully you will have your moment of clarity - sooner than later.

I am the kind of person that believes in being happy, truly happy. Everyone deserve happiness. Is it scary out there on your own with kids?... Yes it is, but the thought of being scared and happy - verse's - being married and miserable.

Wishing you pixie dust and good luck.