Worried About Parents Retirement

[Erik_in_TN]

But be ready to be supportive.

I guess that narrows it down to the core of my worry. I make enough $ to support myself and my apartment, and even save $ every month. But if I had two parents to look after, I am afraid I would let them down financially. (If you saw the size of my apt, you would see where the concern comes from). They gave me a great childhood, and I want to ensure they are taken care of as well as they took care of their kids. It is only deserving.

As far as keeping my nose outta their affairs...I really should. They tell me to not worry, and most of you have the same advice. But my inner nay-sayer wonders if that is simply burying my head in the sand until a later date (?) They do have money put back, just not the ridiculous amounts that folks like Suze Orman suggest. It seems virtually impossible.

 

[PaulaSB12]

My parent’s assets are none of my business. My assets are none of my parent’s or my kid’s, when they are older, business. Butt out.







You took your mother’s money and put it in your own name!!!! You are also keeping it from her. It is her money and is not now or ever was your money. If she wants to travel, then she can because it is her money.

If you have any siblings you can also cheat them out of their inheritance by doing what you did.

I agree with everything yous say apart from the bolded part the money is no ones inheritance it belongs to the mother not the offspring it looks like her adult child is determined not to allow her mother to "waste" what she considers to be hers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No offense to you, but I think your parents probably are enjoying themselves. I know that I will probably never fully retire. I know one old nurse who retired from bedside nursing only to return to the very same hospital as a part time unit secretary. Many, many people take a part time job in retirement because they want something productive to do. I keep telling my husband that I want to work when we are retirement age. I also want to buy a townhouse or condo because I don't want the maintenance of a house. Or an RV. I'd love one. I have enough gypsy blood in me that traveling around the country is very appealing.

I know you meant well with your post however it is not the case. I won't go into the details because they are so long.

They are good people, just HORRIBLE with money. They always have been and always will be.

I shudder to think how much debt they are in now.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I keep telling her what if GM cancels pensions, she would need that money that's in the bank just to live. I hate to see her squander it away on traveling. Or if they do away with the retiree/spouse health insurance, if she fell and broke a hip she would have to pay her own hospital bill and that money in the bank would be gone in a snap.

All due respect - because you know I generally do agree with you - there's an old Yiddish saying, "If my grandma had ******* she'd be my grandpa". Respectfully, if your mother (knock wood she should have a long, healthy life) died tomorrow, what good would saving all that money do her if she never got to travel like she wanted? My mother and my aunt always 'meant to' take a cruise to Alaska. They even each had the money. Never got around to it. Both gone now .

To the OP: simply because your parents are approaching what you - and Suze Ormond - see as their "golden years" doesn't mean your father has any intention of retiring; nor does it mean they have the slightest intent of burdenining YOU with any financial issues.

 

[aprilgail2]

All due respect - because you know I generally do agree with you - there's an old Yiddish saying, "If my grandma had ******* she'd be my grandpa". Respectfully, if your mother (knock wood she should have a long, healthy life) died tomorrow, what good would saving all that money do her if she never got to travel like she wanted? My mother and my aunt always 'meant to' take a cruise to Alaska. They even each had the money. Never got around to it. Both gone now .

.

That is so sad for your aunt and mom...would have been a great trip! I don't want to live my life with "what if's" -I have planned for retirement but not at the expense of not enjoying my life along the way!
My mom has some money hoarded up in CD's and investment accounts and I keep telling her "you are 81 years old, why don't you get out there and spend some of that money-what the heck are you saving it for?"
I would rather she spent it than get any inheritance from her! And I would certianly never put her money in my name to be sure that I got an inheritance-that is just wrong on so many levels!!!!

 

[Carly_Roach]

As a parent, please stay out it unless you are asked.

I'm not a parent, but I second this emotion.

 

[MIGrandma]

Wow, I didn't know people were bashing me until I got a PM from someone.

Thank you to those who aren't bashing me.

And to those of you who are, I have no siblings to help take care of my mother if she squanders her money. It would be just myself and DH. She says she does not want to live with us if the need ever arises, but she would have to if she lost her pension. She could not survive on social security alone. She has never been good with money. If there is a dollar in her pocket she will spend it.

She has traveled. A lot. She and Dad took many, many trips (Florida, Texas, Canada, Hawaii, etc. etc. etc.) when he was alive. She has never had to worry about money. Even after he died she still traveled some. She took a Caribbean cruise, and another time a week at Disney. So she's not deprived in the traveling department at all.

If GM were not in such dire straits I would not be so concerned. But they have already taken away her dental and vision insurance. She also now has to pay a portion of her regular health insurance, and GM has cut the amount that they will pay towards her doctor bills so she has to pay more out of her own pocket for those things.

She is not in terrific health. She has a pacemaker, high cholesterol, etc. If GM cuts out her pension, and her health insurance, one stay in the hospital would wipe out the life insurance money she has in the bank.

It was HER idea to put the life insurance money in the bank, in my name only. I won't go into the details about WHY, because I know the ones who are bashing me for not "allowing" her to travel, would be bashing me again for the reasons. And it really is no one's business but ours anyway.

I'm looking out for the best interests of my Mother, whether she or any of you bashers agree with me or not.

 

[Skatermom23]

Wow, I didn't know people were bashing me until I got a PM from someone.

Thank you to those who aren't bashing me.

And to those of you who are, I have no siblings to help take care of my mother if she squanders her money. It would be just myself and DH. She says she does not want to live with us if the need ever arises, but she would have to if she lost her pension. She could not survive on social security alone. She has never been good with money. If there is a dollar in her pocket she will spend it.

She has traveled. A lot. She and Dad took many, many trips (Florida, Texas, Canada, Hawaii, etc. etc. etc.) when he was alive. She has never had to worry about money. Even after he died she still traveled some. She took a Caribbean cruise, and another time a week at Disney. So she's not deprived in the traveling department at all.

If GM were not in such dire straits I would not be so concerned. But they have already taken away her dental and vision insurance. She also now has to pay a portion of her regular health insurance, and GM has cut the amount that they will pay towards her doctor bills so she has to pay more out of her own pocket for those things.

She is not in terrific health. She has a pacemaker, high cholesterol, etc. If GM cuts out her pension, and her health insurance, one stay in the hospital would wipe out the life insurance money she has in the bank.

It was HER idea to put the life insurance money in the bank, in my name only. I won't go into the details about WHY, because I know the ones who are bashing me for not "allowing" her to travel, would be bashing me again for the reasons. And it really is no one's business but ours anyway.

I'm looking out for the best interests of my Mother, whether she or any of you bashers agree with me or not.

No bashing from me. I think you are doing the right thing for your mom. I don't get the whole "spend the money now, because I could be dead next year" attitude. There is nothing wrong with saving money and being responsible. Some of the posts here have been all about travel and worry about tomorrow when the time comes. Isn't that what is going on right now in the US...too many people overextended because they just had to have that annual vacation?

 

[eliza61]

No bashing from me. I think you are doing the right thing for your mom. I don't get the whole "spend the money now, because I could be dead next year" attitude. There is nothing wrong with saving money and being responsible. Some of the posts here have been all about travel and worry about tomorrow when the time comes. Isn't that what is going on right now in the US...too many people overextended because they just had to have that annual vacation?

Because you very well could be dead tomorrow. For me, it's a balancing act. My situation is different. I survived a near death experience literally. That experience was an eye opener. When the crap hit the fan, I was not worried about money, I was worried about not seeing my children and husband enough. So now I make it a point to put that first. If it means taking an annual vacation, thats exactly what I plan to do. My mother is dead. You know what I remember? I remember how great she was, I remember the fabulous Christmases, the family vacations, the barbeques. I don't remember if the bills got paid.

First off, I am a habitual worrier who tends to look at the glass half-empty. But that is my top resolution for the new year to work on that.


They believe social security will be the safety net + my dads pension when that time comes. My mother assures me that if worse comes to worse, they can always sell the house in the event of an emergency. They tell me not to worry about them and they will be fine...but I still cannot help that gut feeling considering the ridiculous amounts of $$$$ people are told to have saved by the time they reach retirement age, which my parents do not have.

Should I listen to them and leave the issue alone? Thanks for any tidbits. Having a nervous day this afternoon... (probably due to watching too much Money-Talk news).

Unfortunately Op, you have no choice. Your parents are adults and unless they invite you into a discussion about their finances, you really can't force them to do what you or Suzy Orman think are wise.

The quickest way to cause a family feud is to start telling people what to do with their money univited.

 

[MIGrandma]

No bashing from me. I think you are doing the right thing for your mom. I don't get the whole "spend the money now, because I could be dead next year" attitude. There is nothing wrong with saving money and being responsible. Some of the posts here have been all about travel and worry about tomorrow when the time comes. Isn't that what is going on right now in the US...too many people overextended because they just had to have that annual vacation?

Exactly!! Thank you!!

My parents never had a savings account. They did not save money ever. Never put anything away for retirement. Dad always said "GM will take care of us." Well, look where GM is now!! Not doing too well, are they? Pensions are not guaranteed. One of my Mom's friend's husbands expected his pension from Total Petroleum would "take care of them" too. Total shut down several years ago, he gets absolutely NO pension. He actually had to come out of retirement and get another full-time job to support himself and his wife. He is in his 70's and still working full time, because he HAS to. The economy is terrible right now. Who knows when it's going to get better. I would much rather my Mother have money to pay her rent and buy groceries and pay for her medicines, than have her take vacations and spend all of her life insurance money in less than a year.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

To the OP: In this day and age the late 50's are not even close to the "golden years". My dad is 61 and he is in college working on his masters. I would never, unless he was unable to do so, mess with his money. It's his. And if he needed help from me at some point, I would. He's only been helping me out the last 29 years of my life by being my DAD!

 

[wdwfan16]

I agree with everything yous say apart from the bolded part the money is no ones inheritance it belongs to the mother not the offspring it looks like her adult child is determined not to allow her mother to "waste" what she considers to be hers.

I agree that the money id the mother's money. I was just pointing out how this move could also cheat the other siblings out of what would be theirs after the mother passed on. I did not mean there had to be any left but it there was some left it did not all belong to her unless she was an only child. And even then it was only hers if her mother's will left it to her.

 

[Disneyadore]

Just wondering how all those here that think they have to criticizes or just take away money from there parents will react in a few years if there own children do the same thing to them.
I really would like to hear your reaction if your children will tell you not to go on vacation,buy clothes or buy food because you have to save for the future. I think I would explode.

 

[eliza61]

Exactly!! Thank you!!

My parents never had a savings account. They did not save money ever. Never put anything away for retirement. Dad always said "GM will take care of us." Well, look where GM is now!! Not doing too well, are they? Pensions are not guaranteed. One of my Mom's friend's husbands expected his pension from Total Petroleum would "take care of them" too. Total shut down several years ago, he gets absolutely NO pension. He actually had to come out of retirement and get another full-time job to support himself and his wife. He is in his 70's and still working full time, because he HAS to. The economy is terrible right now. Who knows when it's going to get better. I would much rather my Mother have money to pay her rent and buy groceries and pay for her medicines, than have her take vacations and spend all of her life insurance money in less than a year.

I think people are saying to maintain a balance. GM, Enron. yes they are very sad and thankfully not the normal situations. But how far do you go to when you are not even enjoying your life because you're concentrating so much on saving for tomorrow. My dad is in his 80's. I am extremely grateful to God that he has his health (relatively healthy outside of diabetes which is controllable through meds). My siblings and I encourage him to enjoy his money and spend it. What the heck is he going to save it for? I don't need an inheritance. He paid for my college education. that alone is enough to keep me grovelling at his feet. Not to mention the great childhood I had and the ability to be a functioning, contributing adult.
He's thinking of taking an Alaskian cruise this year and if it's a choice between saving the money or going on the cruise, I'm packing his bag.

Just wondering how all those here that think they have to criticizes or just take away money from there parents will react in a few years if there own children do the same thing to them.
I really would like to hear your reaction if your children will tell you not to go on vacation,buy clothes or buy food because you have to save for the future. I think I would explode.

Threw the roof!! After working for 40+ years, I'm going to be really salty with anyone who tells me what to do with my money (outside of my dh)

 

[Mrs.Reese]

I get the whole being worried about your parents especially if your an only child. Believe me I know that worry. My in-laws expect that my DH and I will take care of them. Sorry but no. I took care of my great-grandmother in her last years and it was an absolute drain. I ended up in depression because of it. I think that many, many people live in a delusional state about their old-age years. You can go quickly or it can happen VERY slowly. I've had people tell my DH and I that we should have kids because "Who will take care of us when we're old?"

To the OP,
It is their business about money but you should sit down as a family and discuss their end-of-life plans now while everyone is healthy. It's not a fun conversation but an important one. They may be mad at you. (My in-laws were crying because I said that they would not be living with us unless we didn't have kids at home and moved into a larger house and that they had daily personal care from a provider.) You may now flame away.

 

[minkydog]

I don't get the whole "spend the money now, because I could be dead next year" attitude. There is nothing wrong with saving money and being responsible.

Maybe you just haven't had the Grim Reaper looking over your shoulder yet...There *is* nothing wrong with saving money, but there is a point to be made for spending money on things or activities which will ultimately enhance the life of your family. All work and no play, you know...

Because you very well could be dead tomorrow. For me, it's a balancing act. My situation is different. I survived a near death experience literally. That experience was an eye opener. When the crap hit the fan, I was not worried about money, I was worried about not seeing my children and husband enough. So now I make it a point to put that first. If it means taking an annual vacation, thats exactly what I plan to do. My mother is dead. You know what I remember? I remember how great she was, I remember the fabulous Christmases, the family vacations, the barbeques. I don't remember if the bills got paid.

Excellent post. i think after you've gone through such an experience it changes you forever. We had such an experience about 6 years ago when DH developed septic shock(what killed the Pope.) He had a 50:50 chance to make it through the night. All his organs shut down except his lungs. It took him over a year to recover. Believe me, it's as close to death as any of us want to be.

Having gone through this terrible experience has made us reassess what is meaningful to us. We are not spend thrifts, but we do a lot of traveling--2 years after DHs near-death experience, I bought him a travel trailer! And we take it out in the summer and several times during the fall and spring. My DD16 often brings her friends and we're one huge happy family. I understand that a lot of people would think having a camper is frivolous, but for us? its the one activity that we can all participate in. I'd rather have our camper than a DVC, trips to WDW, the BAhamas, Europe, a boat, big truck, or just about anything you could name. My idea of a "splurge" would be TWO popsicles, instead of one.

 

[wdwfan16]

I get the whole being worried about your parents especially if your an only child. Believe me I know that worry. My in-laws expect that my DH and I will take care of them. Sorry but no. I took care of my great-grandmother in her last years and it was an absolute drain. I ended up in depression because of it. I think that many, many people live in a delusional state about their old-age years. You can go quickly or it can happen VERY slowly. I've had people tell my DH and I that we should have kids because "Who will take care of us when we're old?"

To the OP,
It is their business about money but you should sit down as a family and discuss their end-of-life plans now while everyone is healthy. It's not a fun conversation but an important one. They may be mad at you. (My in-laws were crying because I said that they would not be living with us unless we didn't have kids at home and moved into a larger house and that they had daily personal care from a provider.) You may now flame away.

I will not flame you for your decision. One does not have kid so they have a caregiver in their older lives. We bought LTC insurance shortly before my cancer surgery (glad we did or I would never get it) and are saving for our retirement. We will not reply on anybody else to take care of us. We also will not have anybody tell us what we can do with our money. If we planned right and have our health, then we have a great retirement. If we planned wrong then we pay the consequences.

 

[pearlieq]

I really would like to hear your reaction if your children will tell you not to go on vacation,buy clothes or buy food because you have to save for the future. I think I would explode.

I think I would be embarassed that my kids would HAVE to tell me that. But it's not like people who are bad with money magically change at 45. Adults that can't manage money become seniors that can't manage money.

When you're young and healthy, you can be accountable for getting yourself out of your own scrapes. But when you find yourself 60 and in failing health, it's not like you can just go get a job to cover your expenses.

Will everyone who is so incensed by the idea of talking to your parents about their financial health be so outraged as they're taking Grandma to the food pantry? Getting on the 5 year waiting list for a crappy senior studio? Vetting supportive care facilities that take Medicaid?

What exactly do you plan to do when Gran can't make the mortgage? Or can't afford her medicine?

 

[disney1990]

Wow, I didn't know people were bashing me until I got a PM from someone.

Thank you to those who aren't bashing me.

And to those of you who are, I have no siblings to help take care of my mother if she squanders her money. It would be just myself and DH. She says she does not want to live with us if the need ever arises, but she would have to if she lost her pension. She could not survive on social security alone. She has never been good with money. If there is a dollar in her pocket she will spend it.

She has traveled. A lot. She and Dad took many, many trips (Florida, Texas, Canada, Hawaii, etc. etc. etc.) when he was alive. She has never had to worry about money. Even after he died she still traveled some. She took a Caribbean cruise, and another time a week at Disney. So she's not deprived in the traveling department at all.

If GM were not in such dire straits I would not be so concerned. But they have already taken away her dental and vision insurance. She also now has to pay a portion of her regular health insurance, and GM has cut the amount that they will pay towards her doctor bills so she has to pay more out of her own pocket for those things.

She is not in terrific health. She has a pacemaker, high cholesterol, etc. If GM cuts out her pension, and her health insurance, one stay in the hospital would wipe out the life insurance money she has in the bank.

It was HER idea to put the life insurance money in the bank, in my name only. I won't go into the details about WHY, because I know the ones who are bashing me for not "allowing" her to travel, would be bashing me again for the reasons. And it really is no one's business but ours anyway.

I'm looking out for the best interests of my Mother, whether she or any of you bashers agree with me or not.

That would be a conservatorship, but let me tell you--one thing I learned working as a legal asst. for a financial planning/elder law lawyer was: don't take your parents money and don't take their house as a gift without an attorney . Even if you think it's for their benefit. Gawd what a mess that can turn out to be with Medicaid lookbacks etc.

If it's nobody's business but yours, then why announce it on the DIS board?

You will find out, if your Mom ever has to go into a nursing home or needs Medicaid, that it is definitely somebody else's business. Every penny of your Mom's money will need to be accounted for and perhaps paid back if spent incorrectly. You really need to consult a lawyer about what you have done, if you haven't done so already.

 

[Disneyadore]

What exactly do you plan to do when Gran can't make the mortgage? Or can't afford her medicine?

Well "Gran" is 80 and still travels a lot.The only thing we, as her children, ask if she please will take the cell phone we bought her with her so we can call her.
If she really would get into financial pain we would take her in and take care off her. She took care om me for half a decade and now it's my turn.
There's no way we would ever ask our mom what she does with HER money. My dad earned it by hard labor and its non of our business what she does with it even if she throws it into the river.