Working moms - do you feel guilty because you work???

[Cruise04]

Given a recent thread about working women, I thought this might make for an interesting thread as well. We are made (a lot of the time) to feel guilty about it and that's sad.

If you are a working mom - do you feel guilty because you work and aren't home 24/7 with your kids? And if you work, is it because you have to or because you want to?

I work because I have to in order to support my child since her dad doesn't help in that field and I don't think it's my current husband's responsibility to totally support someone he didn't have a part of bringing into this world.

If I didn't have to work, I think I'd still want to work part-time just to get that adult interaction. Although I look forward to the day I don't have to work so I can do more volunteer work.

How about you?

 

[Robmom]

I felt guilty when my DD was much younger. I wanted to be home with her. She's 11 now and it's not a big deal. If I have another baby, I'm sure I will feel the guilt again. But this time, I may actually work from home if my boss allows it!

 

[missypie]

I'd love to quit my job because I think I'd be a great SAHM, but I earn a lot more than DH could, so he's at home. I don't feel guilty, but I have flexibility in my job, so I really don't miss school events, kids' sports, etc. The kids try to make me feel guilty, but hey, this is the real world, and they need to know that almost everyone has to go to work to make a living.

Yesterday DD went to a birthday party where they all had their hair done in a fun way. She had ballet at 4:30, so she had to take her hair down and put it in the required bun. She called and asked if I could be home by 4 so I could see her hair (I work 45 minutes away) and I had to say no. I guess it made me feel bad, but she's old enough to understand that most people just can't leave their job for the day at 3:15 pm.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think that is a debate that nobody is ever going to win.

Here is what I think. I think that if you want to work it is none of my business as long as you are not neglectful to your children.
So, you really don't need to give me or anybody else a long litany of the reasons why you work.

I've worked and I've not worked. Yes at times I felt guilty for the time spent away from my children. But that isn't unique to being a working Mom.

 

[Sandy V.]

No, I do not feel guilty because I work outside the home.

I DO wish my house were cleaner, however!

I work outside the home for many reasons (in no particular order):
1. I provide the family's medical and dental insurance.
2. My personal satisfaction.
3. Extra money for family travel.
4. Extra money to pay for teenagers' college expenses.

If I would choose to quit my job, we could "get by", but it would mean a drastic change in lifestyle. We have discussed this as a couple, and have decided together that we don't want to do that at this time.

I would still want a part-time job or a hobby/club that would get me out of the house for part of the day. I like adult interaction!

I think all of the "guilt" stems from people trying to justify their choices by putting others' choices down as either "wrong" or "bad".

 

[SC Minnie]

Yes I feel guilty some times. I had to continue to work after DD9 was born because DH was losing his job (he was told when I was 4 months pregnant that his job was being transfered and he wasn't going with it ) She was born with a birth defect that would need surgery and I had to continue to work so we would have insurance that would cover her surgery. DH did get another job when she was a few months old but they wouldn't cover her because of the pre-existing condition.

Many of the moms as DD school, in our church and neighborhood stay at home so they arrange many activities during the day which DD can't participate in because I work. Our church is having VBS in the morning this year- DD can't go and I can't help out because I work.

 

[Hillbeans]

Some days I feel guilty, but then other days I know he's getting lots of attention and love at his preschool. I work 4- Ten hour days and 3 of those days he's in daycare 10+ hours and I do feel "guilty" sometimes, but I know I need to work for the money and my own sanity.

I have a great schedule and my DH and I each have a full day off because of our longer 4 days. In addition, we already have over $5 K saved for his college education and there is no way we could do that if I didn't work.

I must admit though, that when he was 12 weeks old and started in daycare, it was much harder. As he's gotten older, he likes it more.

 

[shatzjsl]

I have no guilt about being a working mother. My daughter is a happy, intelligent person with good morals. She has never said that she wished I didn't work. She is very social and has always enjoyed going to daycare or after school programs. I think it is great if a mother or father doesn't have to work and can stay home but I don't wish that I didn't have to work. I have been working since I was 13 and don't think I would enjoy being a SAHM. A few years back I had surgery and was off for three weeks and was going bonkers (though my house has never been cleaner!).

But, that's just me.

 

[shatzjsl]

double post

 

[snoopy]

Isn't it interesting that no one every asks working Dads if they feel guilty?

It happens that I work because we can't afford for me not to. But if we hit the lottery tomorrow, I'd still work. I like having a diversified life. My kids are in school now, but before that, they were in a daycare that they loved and learned over the years that there are many people who love and care for them. I've never felt especially guilty, no. Its understood that my boys will grow up, go to college and study something that they love doing, enough to want to make a profession out of it. Its not with the stipulation that they will need to give that up once they have kids. I wasn't raised that way either, I always knew I would go to college, take a job I liked (if not loved), have kids and continue to work.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I have been on both sides of the fence. I worked until DD2 was born, then was a SAHM for 2 1/2 years. I recently went back into the fulltime work force. Do I feel guilty? Some days I do. But my current boss is great. My hours are 7am to 3:30pm, but I do not take my lunch vreak until 3pm. I eat a quick lunch at my desk (sometimes, like today, I DIS too!), so I can leave at 3, then I am able to get my girls and be home by 4 pm. The day starts early for us, but we make it work.

I still cook most meals (we are having homemade pizza tonight), and I am around for any after school activities. My house often looks like a tornado hit it (actually 2!!), but I do try to straighten it daily after the girls are in bed. As far as why, we do not need my salary, but it allows us to have "play" money. The money for our vacation to WDW next year is coming completely out of my salary.

 

[Cruise04]

Toby'sFriend - I am not trying to turn this into a debate. It was something that I thought would be a good thread.

Snoopy - you are so right, no one ever asks about working dads. I didn't think about it because it never is an issue when issues are raised. When something is said, it's always towards working moms. I would assume, and this is only an assumption, that that is because of the precedent that has been set generations and generations and generations ago. That the men work and the moms stay home.

 

[onecoolmama]

Originally posted by snoopy
Isn't it interesting that no one every asks working Dads if they feel guilty?

To qoute someone else (I dont remebr who it was):

"I have yet to hear a man ask how to balance a family and career!"

 

[oogieboogie]

I feel no guilt because it's the arrangement DH and I agreed upon. He would be the SAHD and I would work. He is much better with kids than I could ever be. I have the better education and could make more money than he could.

My kids grew up seeing a reversed role in the household, and IMHO I think it gives them a more rounded perspective and they have no stereotypes to fall back on. They certainly don't think it's wierd that Dad stays at home with them.

However, the question DH always faces is why he's not working? If I were a SAHM it would be considered normal, but since he's a SAHD some people think he's a slacker?

 

[AirForceRocks]

Isn't it interesting that no one every asks working Dads if they feel guilty?

Excellent point, and one I hadn't thought of!!

No, I don't feel guilty about working. I could have stopped when DD was born, but it would have been a huge financial burden. We would have had no savings for retirement, college or emergencies, no extra money for anything.

But finances aside, I really enjoy the interaction with other professionals that I have through my job. There is a satisfaction that I derive from my work that I couldn't get by staying at home.

To each her (or his) own.

 

[coliebird]

It's not that I feel guilty. I need to work in order to help support the household. The feeling I usually have is a longing to be with my daughter more. I think that I don't feel guilty b/c she is in a great place. She goes to a daycare/learning center. Even though she is only 23 months, she is learning there. They have a structured day. She is also spending time with other kids and she has a blast. That makes me feel better. I do plan on trying to get a job in the school district when she starts kindergarten so that I can work part time. I would like to be home with her in the summers and during school breaks and not have to worry about finding alternative care for her.

 

[browneyes]

I just feel guilty because I'm not independently wealthy.

I don't feel guilty because I work. I didn't feel guilty when I was a SAHM either. I asked my kids one time if they preferred me to work or stay home and they said work because when I make money, they get more junk. Well they said stuff instead of junk.

 

[m&m's mom]

I have to agree w/ Sandy V and shatzjsl- I love working.
I also have been working since I was young and I was raised by a working mother. In my world - you work. That's just what you are supposed to do.
We could afford for me to not work but we have it so much nicer because I do work. Better house, clothes for DD's, great and frequent vacations and their college was already saved for before they were born.
And most importantly we have a better me because I work. I love the interaction, the many pats on the back, and of course- pay.
I also have the best of circumstances. My DM moved here just to take care of my DD's. She was a teacher and tutors my kids and teaches them in such clever ways. She put in a beautiful pool in her home because she wanted the girls to get the exercise and practice swimming. She got a dog because we had an older cat that we did not feel like torturing w/ a new puppy. Both of my parents love having the kids everyday as well.
Make the best of your situation and I don't think there is any reason to feel guilty.

 

[Kallison]

I work the same hours my kids are in school and I still feel guilty. Mostly my youngest guilts me about not going in for every event, although I do make most of them, or not being able to chaperone every school trip. I try to do one per year, per kid. The oldest in middle school is so happy I didn't come to any of his events this year - lol. Sometimes the kids will say, why can't you be room mom any more? I was home with them for 13 years and they were used to me being at their beck and call. I think this has actually been good for them and me too. I like working, having friends at work and since I"m in a middle school I have lots of stories to tell at dinner. I'm sure if I had stayed in school my career would have been much better at this point, but I don't have the momentum to go back to school now. If I had stayed at my previous job I would have been making triple what I am now. I guess I wish I could have it both ways -- stayed home and a better career!

 

[castlegazer]

I don't feel guilty. My son (2) is very happy and loves day care so much. He is learning a lot more and is socializing more than I can provide for him staying at home - just me - not a statement about SAHMs. I think I would love being a SAHM but for me, its more important to wait, continue to build my resume and reputation in the workforce, and then stay home when it does become impossible to work as full time as I do now. I know that when he enters school it will become very hard on us because of school hours and after school activities. That is when I feel it is important for me to be there at home for him and any other children we may have.

Now as to the house being cleaner, , yup, that I feel guilty about. On weekends we feel very strongly that we spend every minute with our son and I do feel guilty if I have to take time away from him to clean or mop. I try to get as much done as I can during the week and when he is napping.