Will u allow or not allow your child to go away to college?

[lisaross]

I just finished a conversation with my neighbor. Her daughter is in her 1st year of college - she is an excellent student - honors in H.S.! She is going to school to be a physical therapist. The girl wanted to go away to college but the mom refuses to let her. Does not understand why kids need to go away if they can get the same education from a local school etc. She won't allow her daughter to take out a loan - she said if she gets a "full" scholarship she can then go next year...

I disagree - i think if my child wants to go away i would allow them - not saying i would pay for the entire thing - i have a certain amount i can give them towards college but i think it could be a good experience if that is what they are looking to do.

What is your opinion?

 

[clh2]

Heck yes...actually I would insist. Although - DD picked a school in a different state - 4 hours away, so really, it worked well for me.

College is not only a time to learn about your intended major. It is a time to learn about "life". College is a great time for that to happen.

I do feel very strongly about this. And have for my entire adult life. Is it cheap. Heck no. Worth it...every penny.

 

[imsayin]

My DD just started college, 1100 miles away from home. It is the best decision we made.

I do think that if finances are an issue, staying home may be the best option.

 

[Jenny3]

Yes, absolutely. I'm insisting on it.

College is not only about the education, but also the experience of being on your own (mostly), an adult, finding who you really are. Going away to school forever changed me and I want the same for my children.

 

[punkin]

No one can know the reasons this girl's mother is insisting she stay home. It sounds financial, and I think that is perfectly valid. Why take out loans to go away if there is a perfectly acceptable local option the parents can afford. Believe me, graduating with no loans gives a young person a lot more choices after graduation.

That being said, my DD20 (OMG...she's 20 today!!!!) is away in school and I think that has been extremely good for her...difficult, given some of her issues but definitely good in the long run.

 

[Swmr359]

I did my first 2 years of college at community college and lived at home. When it was time to move on I was accepted to an out of state school and 2 in state schools. My mom said no to the out of state, it was a really good school and she was really proud of me for getting accepted...But out of state is expensive.
So I went to the in state 4 hours away, and I am so glad. 4 hours away was hard for me, I can't imagine if I ended up 8 hours away. Also I have very little student loan debt, if I had ended up out of state it would be much much more. (she did say if I still wanted to go to the out of state, I could transfer later. I didn't)
My mom knew what was best for me and our families finances, I'm sure your neighbor does also.

 

[lisaross]

its not about her going "out of state" it is just living in a dorm even instate. money is not the big issue - its more that the child can get the same exact education driving to school 5 miles. The child wants to go away and is very smart and well rounded. Again i personally think the parents should offer what they could afford per year and if she wants to take out the loans then thats on her......To me it seems more like a control issue - again thats there business -

I did not go away to college - my parents never pushed me - i went to a community college and and i did well but when it comes to my kids i want them to do the best they can - and if they want to go away i would try to help them achieve that! I already told them i could Not afford them to go out of state - maybe if they get scholarships and take out loans but i would advise them not to take out too much.

I also feel it is a great learning experience - no right or wrong - just curious how others feel

 

[Bete]

First, let me say I went to a commuter school for college, worked a 30 hour week, and did just fine. I had a scholarship, too. My mom was a single, widowed mom and it would have been cruel to leave her and financially it would have been a hardship. I was an only child, as well. Also, I grew up fast; my dad died when I was 11.

Going to a commuter school gave me plenty of opportunity for life experience and the job did even more that way. What did I miss? I didn't attend any college parties and I had no time for --- or drinking alcohol and so forth. I was way more motivated to study going to a commuter school. I was way too busy with a job all year to get into trouble; although, I don't think that would have mattered for me any where I would have gone.

One size shoe does not fit all. Having the guidance of a parent nearby can really help some children. Most can afford a better school going to a local college and most of the time this means a better education. College is an iffy situation, right now. Spending less and getting more for your monies in this economy sure makes sense to mean.

I could go on, but we need to let everyone make their own choices. The main goal here is to get a college education. The rest will follow.

 

[disneychic2]

We actually faced this issue with our 2nd DD. She did not want to leave home for college. We told her she had to live on campus, even if she went to the local college. She ended up going 3 hours away and it was a wonderful experience for her. (although at the time she said it felt like we were pushing her off a cliff.) She has since thanked us for forcing her to face the world. I agree that college is so much more than what you learn in class. The life experiences (both good and bad) are invaluable. It killed me to send her away when all I wanted was to keep her close and still be able to see her every day. Hardest thing I ever did!

 

[nunzia]

It depends on the kid..that sudden freedom can really cause problems for those kids not mature enough to handle it. It can be better fo a kid to stay local for a year or two (cheaper also), see how they handle all the added requirements of college, and then let them move to a college further away if they've shown they can handle it. I have a neice who had excellent grades and got a scholarship to Texas Tech..she then partied and squandered the whole thing away. So if a kid is super mature, maybe so, but for the most part I'd say keep them home for awhile, or let them stay on campus at a close by school for the first year or two, and then go from there.

 

[drcmk]

I am on the fence about this one. It is very hard for me to justify spending tens of thousands of dollars for my child to have food and a place to live when I am already paying for food and a place to live for the whole family. If my child (HS junior) really wanted to live away from home, I wouldn't forbid it, but I would discuss with her whether she really wanted to take out loans to pay for something I'm already providing for free.

Our personal circumstances play into this a little bit. We live in an area where there are many high quality universities in commuting distance. We have saved enough money to pay for a reasonable tuition for my child, but probably not room and board as well. My husband commuted to college. I lived in a dorm for two years (hated it) and moved back with my parents and transferred to a different school because I was very unhappy living far from my family. I made very good friends in my dorm that LOVED the dorm experience so I understand that it is not the same for everyone.

 

[Marionnette]

I just finished a conversation with my neighbor. Her daughter is in her 1st year of college - she is an excellent student - honors in H.S.! She is going to school to be a physical therapist. The girl wanted to go away to college but the mom refuses to let her. Does not understand why kids need to go away if they can get the same education from a local school etc. She won't allow her daughter to take out a loan - she said if she gets a "full" scholarship she can then go next year...

I disagree - i think if my child wants to go away i would allow them - not saying i would pay for the entire thing - i have a certain amount i can give them towards college but i think it could be a good experience if that is what they are looking to do.

What is your opinion?

Mom of 3 in college, here.

This is my take on it. At 18, your child is an adult in the eyes of the law and it's our responsibility as parents to help them evolve in their new role. Part of that is acting the part of adviser and not dictator.

If the child is paying for college, then it should be their decision. As long as they don't expect Mom or Dad to co-sign any loans for them. If Mom & Dad have been able to save for the kids' college educations, then it's time to place the cards on the table and let the children know how much money there is and council them on how it can best be spent. Show the kids a working budget for school and point out how expensive loans can be when you get out.

Our daughter ultimately chose an expensive private university near our home. She commuted the first two years to save money. Our sons chose state universities and went away to college beginning their freshman year. Their tuition + living expenses were pretty much the same cost as our daughter's tuition minus scholarships. Our daughter graduated this spring with no debt. The boys are on track to finish their 4-year degrees without having to take out a loan, as well. Going away to school has been a good choice for them and I'm glad that we have been able to provide them with the opportunity.

OTOH, I have a niece for whom there was no college account. She chose to go away to a university in her home state. In order to do this, she had to take out loans. She could have gone to the local community college for free with the New Jersey Stars program and then transfer to a state university after two years. She had stars in her eyes about going away to school. She also graduated this past spring. Her student loans payments will begin in December to the tune of almost $1,000 per month! She hasn't found a full-time job in her field, did not pay on the interest while she was in college and is now wondering how she's going to handle the debt. Even worse, my sister co-signed for the private student loans and is giving herself an ulcer worrying about how she will be able to pay the $1,000 each month since it looks like my niece is not going to be able to do it. Going away to school has been a disastrous decision for her.

 

[disneychic2]

First, let me say I went to a commuter school for college, worked a 30 hour week, and did just fine. I had a scholarship, too. My mom was a single, widowed mom and it would have been cruel to leave her and financially it would have been a hardship. I was an only child, as well. Also, I grew up fast; my dad died when I was 11.

Going to a commuter school gave me plenty of opportunity for life experience and the job did even more that way. What did I miss? I didn't attend any college parties and I had no time for --- or drinking alcohol and so forth. I was way more motivated to study going to a commuter school. I was way too busy with a job all year to get into trouble; although, I don't think that would have mattered for me any where I would have gone.

One size shoe does not fit all. Having the guidance of a parent nearby can really help some children. Most can afford a better school going to a local college and most of the time this means a better education. College is an iffy situation, right now. Spending less and getting more for your monies in this economy sure makes sense to mean.

I could go on, but we need to let everyone make their own choices. The main goal here is to get a college education. The rest will follow.

I'm glad this worked so well for you! This is a situation where your choice was really made for you by circumstances, you worked incredibly hard and made it pay off in a big way. And certainly for those who can't afford to live on campus, the opportunity to grow and get life experiences is there too.

I will say, though, that living on campus does not automatically mean party central or getting into trouble. I know that's wide-spread, but not all kids are there for the parties. I do agree it is not cookie-cutter and each family or individual has to decide what works best in their given situation. Thanks for your insight.

 

[lisaross]

I don NOT think parents should go into debt sending their child to the college of their dreams..I agree u sit down with your child and have an adult discussion - how much u can afford to pay per year - how much the child can contribute if any - scholarships - summer jobs etc. I would advise my child NOT to take out huge loans and i would NOT co-sign! I am saving what we can i don't think i'll be able to pay their entire college costs but we shall see how things go.

Mom of 3 in college, here.

This is my take on it. At 18, your child is an adult in the eyes of the law and it's our responsibility as parents to help them evolve in their new role. Part of that is acting the part of adviser and not dictator.

If the child is paying for college, then it should be their decision. As long as they don't expect Mom or Dad to co-sign any loans for them. If Mom & Dad have been able to save for the kids' college educations, then it's time to place the cards on the table and let the children know how much money there is and council them on how it can best be spent. Show the kids a working budget for school and point out how expensive loans can be when you get out.

Our daughter ultimately chose an expensive private university near our home. She commuted the first two years to save money. Our sons chose state universities and went away to college beginning their freshman year. Their tuition + living expenses were pretty much the same cost as our daughter's tuition minus scholarships. Our daughter graduated this spring with no debt. The boys are on track to finish their 4-year degrees without having to take out a loan, as well. Going away to school has been a good choice for them and I'm glad that we have been able to provide them with the opportunity.

OTOH, I have a niece for whom there was no college account. She chose to go away to a university in her home state. In order to do this, she had to take out loans. She could have gone to the local community college for free with the New Jersey Stars program and then transfer to a state university after two years. She had stars in her eyes about going away to school. She also graduated this past spring. Her student loans payments will begin in December to the tune of almost $1,000 per month! She hasn't found a full-time job in her field, did not pay on the interest while she was in college and is now wondering how she's going to handle the debt. Even worse, my sister co-signed for the private student loans and is giving herself an ulcer worrying about how she will be able to pay the $1,000 each month since it looks like my niece is not going to be able to do it. Going away to school has been a disastrous decision for her.

 

[SaraJayne]

It depends on the kid..that sudden freedom can really cause problems for those kids not mature enough to handle it. It can be better fo a kid to stay local for a year or two (cheaper also), see how they handle all the added requirements of college, and then let them move to a college further away if they've shown they can handle it. I have a neice who had excellent grades and got a scholarship to Texas Tech..she then partied and squandered the whole thing away. So if a kid is super mature, maybe so, but for the most part I'd say keep them home for awhile, or let them stay on campus at a close by school for the first year or two, and then go from there.

That is why, as your children get older, you ease into giving them more freedom while they are still home, so they can handle it when they get to college (or on their own).

You don't keep your children in a bubble and then one day, throw them out into the world, completely unprepared.

 

[jcieutat]

I am a little ways from this and it is scary to even think about it! My thought is that if I am paying for it, they will be going to college at home. We have an outstanding college 10 minutes from home. I have no issue with them living on campus if they want a taste of freedom. If they choose to go out of state, they will have to foot the bill but I will help with room and board. Either way, we will be saving considering what we pay for Catholic school!

 

[SaraJayne]

First, let me say I went to a commuter school for college, worked a 30 hour week, and did just fine. I had a scholarship, too. My mom was a single, widowed mom and it would have been cruel to leave her and financially it would have been a hardship. I was an only child, as well. Also, I grew up fast; my dad died when I was 11.

Going to a commuter school gave me plenty of opportunity for life experience and the job did even more that way. What did I miss? I didn't attend any college parties and I had no time for --- or drinking alcohol and so forth. I was way more motivated to study going to a commuter school. I was way too busy with a job all year to get into trouble; although, I don't think that would have mattered for me any where I would have gone.

One size shoe does not fit all. Having the guidance of a parent nearby can really help some children. Most can afford a better school going to a local college and most of the time this means a better education. College is an iffy situation, right now. Spending less and getting more for your monies in this economy sure makes sense to mean.

I could go on, but we need to let everyone make their own choices. The main goal here is to get a college education. The rest will follow.

I lived on campus for three years and never attended a college party ~ I wasn't the least bit interested.

Just because you live on campus doesn't mean you're going to suddenly turn into a party animal, if that type of thing doesn't interest you to begin with.

 

[kamik86]

I think there are many factors to this.

1) Where you live. There are 3 local colleges in my area Williams College which is like a step down from Ivy League (so its competitive, if your child would get in becomes a factor) and a liberal arts college, the local community college which although I don't know the stats now I know a few years ago had a graduation rate so poor the state refused to allow welfare recipients and those on unemployment to go there as they didn't think the school was successful enough this isn't an environment I would want my child going to school, and the Mass College of Liberal Arts an ok school but again liberal arts.

So if like me your child wanted to go to school for engineering we are talking a school at least 1.5 hours from home, and far enough where most schools without allow you to be considered a commuter anyway.

2) Budget - As this does need to be a factor

3) What the child wants. Because I'll be honest mom could have stopped me from going away to school for the first semester (I wasn't 18 yet) but after that I would have left even if I had to fund everything all on my own.

 

[pigletto]

Well, the bottom line for me is that it's not going to be a matter of "allow" because at 18, assuming no significant mental health or other pressing issues, I will be dealing with a legal adult. My days of "you absolutely can not do that" will be over. To be honest, it's not how I parent my 15 year old now given that she makes solid choices and is a great kid.. I've never really had to put my foot down over something teen related.

I can see where my opinion, financial contribution, and her level of maturity would all factor in to what I would suggest and be willing to help with though. If she isn't working hard and making decent grades then it won't matter where the school is because I won't be throwing money at that situation.
If things stay the way they are I will encourage her to make the choice that is not only good for her education but for her life experience.

I'd love for her to stick around here, more for purely selfish being close to her reasons, but if going away is better for her in any way, then I will keep my feelings in check and encourage her.

Sigh. Only 2 more years.

 

[Colleen27]

There are no 4 year universities within a reasonable commute from our home, and I don't want them dropping out, not getting involved in campus activities, or cutting classes because of the 2hr drive (one way) to get there. Especially in the winter when weather can double drive times it just isn't a recipe for success in my opinion. So for my kids, if they're planning on a university education (my oldest wants trade school, and that is within commuting distance) I'll all but insist that they live on campus.

I can understand the mother's concern in the OP, though. If we lived in a place with good university options within a short distance I would discourage taking out loans to live in the dorms as well. The college experience can be valuable, but I don't think it is so valuable for most young people that it is worth starting out their adult lives already in significant debt. If the parents can pay that is one thing, but if there are loans involved I think kids should be encouraged to choose the route that leaves them in the best position at graduation and unless they're in a highly marketable, lucrative major that means as little debt as possible. Especially right now, when so many new college grads are having a hard time finding work... I can't think of many things as limiting in life as making payments on 5 figure college debt while working at Starbucks.