Will the family drama ever end

[luvsJack]

So it's better to let them know how much they've upset you? I wouldn't give them that satisfaction.

By sending them a nice card and wishing them well, shows (at least to me) that I am acting better than they did. Maybe one day, if they have the least bit of sense, they will look back and be embarrassed by what they did. If not, oh well, who cares, at least I didn't stoop down to their level of stupidity.

No one is suggesting she stoop to their level, but I would refuse to say something I don't mean. She could just ignore the whole thing and not send them anything. But is saying "oh, its perfectly ok that you acted like this" really what you want to say? I wouldn't.

Besides, maybe the bride needs to know what is going on. She could very well not have a clue about the whole thing.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

No one is suggesting she stoop to their level, but I would refuse to say something I don't mean. She could just ignore the whole thing and not send them anything. But is saying "oh, its perfectly ok that you acted like this" really what you want to say? I wouldn't.

Besides, maybe the bride needs to know what is going on. She could very well not have a clue about the whole thing.

It's really not for the bride to get involved in issues in the groom's family.

Personally, I'd probably check the "will not attend" box, sent it back, and leave it at that.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with responding with a no as far as the invitation goes. I also would not send a gift. If they don't mind insulting & embarrassing my family member, why on earth would I feel obligated to send them a gift?

If the OP's description of the facts is correct (and I have no reason to think otherwise), it was decided that the OP's sister (and the other cousin) would be ignored. Considering the fact that it's been 17 years for one of the them and 4 years for the other, I think the slight is somewhat ridiculous and petty.

I would RSVP no without an explanation. If asked, I would politely explain why. And while I might be annoyed initially, I would certainly not allow it to haunt me the way some have insinuated. Those people and their actions can only have as much impact on me as I allow them to, and my behaving in a tacky manner would be lowering myself to their level (although I might temporarily imagine some just desserts! ).

OP, best wishes to you and your family, and I hope your sister doesn't allow this to cause her too much turmoil.

 

[mickaholic4077]

So what happened at the wedding, OP?

 

[luvsJack]

It's really not for the bride to get involved in issues in the groom's family.

Personally, I'd probably check the "will not attend" box, sent it back, and leave it at that.

No, if the OP and her cousin do not normally socialize or visit or have any family involvement; its not going to help her or hurt her to know what is going on. IF there is quite a bit of family socialization and all of a sudden the couple is treated like lepers by the OP and her mom; it would be nice if the girl at least knew what was going on. (and from the sounds of the OP's mother, this is very well what may happen) Besides, they would be telling the bride AND the groom.

When a couple marries, each become a part of the other's family. That includes the good and the bad. I would hate to know I was becoming a part of a family that had a grudge against me and I don't even know why.

Like I said, I am not suggesting that anything happen past the RSVP. I wouldn't even necessarily ignore them at family functions or treat them differently; but I don't see an issue in telling someone why I am angry with or hurt by them.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

No, if the OP and her cousin do not normally socialize or visit or have any family involvement; its not going to help her or hurt her to know what is going on. IF there is quite a bit of family socialization and all of a sudden the couple is treated like lepers by the OP and her mom; it would be nice if the girl at least knew what was going on. (and from the sounds of the OP's mother, this is very well what may happen) Besides, they would be telling the bride AND the groom.

When a couple marries, each become a part of the other's family. That includes the good and the bad. I would hate to know I was becoming a part of a family that had a grudge against me and I don't even know why.

So let's spread the drama to the bride and her family too, right before the wedding.

The OP's thread title is "Will the family drama ever end". The answer is "no" if everyone seems intent on making sure it doesn't.

If the OP and her mom start treating the bride and groom like "lepers" then good riddance. If the bride wants to know why, then I'm sure the groom and his mother can put two and two together, or do the asking if they're truly clueless as to the reasons. The OP and her mother and/or the sister barging in with their side of the story dumps family drama on the newlyweds. Which, I guess, would delight some posters on this thread.

And what happens when the groom's mother tells the bride why they didn't invite the sister (she may already know and completely agree), and then the OP/mother/sister present their side, and the groom's mother comes back with more about her side, and the OP/mother/sister argue that they're wrong...and on and on. Welcome to the family honey!

And as someone who was once a bride and had a couple of people not show up after responding "yes"...I don't think the OP's mom's opinion about anything would hold much weight with me since she's already shown her true colors by screwing the couple out of a meal for revenge. Yeah, I'd want to have a nice friendly chit-chat with her after that. Not.

 

[Scurvy]

I totally get your post, and you are right, but there is some attitude to it that bothers me. The Bride and Groom are within their right to make whatever decision they want, in the sense that no one will throw them in jail if they refuse to invite so-and-so. But there seems to be the attitude that those excluded aren't allowed to have hurt feelings over it because it's THEIR wedding! If you don't like it, and are so very bothered by their rudeness, then just shut up and go away.

My brother did this very recently. They chose a venue that was so impossibly limiting that half the family had to be excluded. (Not some far away place that people couldn't afford to get to, right there in town and not invited.) Someone ought to have told them, "Look, you get to have the wedding you want. Your choice. But realize that you are choosing to hurt most of your family over a PARTY. If a party is more important than your family, have at it, but don't be surprised if there are consequences." And if consequences happen, they happen.

Instead, my mother defended this ridiculousness all the way and anyone who protests is going to be deemed a selfish jerk. This makes me crazy.

The bride and groom do have every right to exclude anyone they want to. But they also have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that.

I think the OP (and her sister and mother) have every right to be hurt, or to feel angry or upset. Absolutely. I think the people who were excluded from your brother's wedding had every right to be unhappy about that as well. If someone is upset enough about being excluded from a wedding, then it very well might affect their future relationship with the person who excluded them. It might even essentially end the relationship. There can definitely be consequences to deal with if you choose to exclude someone from your party. I don't think your mother would have been out of line in pointing that out to your brother, if she had felt he was making a mistake. If you and your brother are close I think it would have been fine for you to say something about it. But if he chose to risk upsetting people by excluding them, then he's entitled to do that. He just has to accept that it could cause them to reevaluate their relationships with him in the future.

Just because someone is hurt or angry over not being invited, it doesn't give them the right to act like an idiot. There's no excuse whatsoever for going to the event and trying to disrupt or ruin it. There's no point in being hateful to the person or trying to stir up all sorts of drama. Being polite does not mean you have to be friendly, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. You can be hurt, or angry, or refuse to socialize with them in the future, or cut them off of your guest list for every event you ever throw . . there are plenty of socially acceptable and polite ways to express your displeasure. Or there's the juvenile, uncivilized, ridiculous way of expressing yourself that doesn't do anything but prove they were right to want to exclude you. Plus, it makes you look like a complete fool to everyone else. I don't think there's any reason that you ought to act like there's nothing wrong and continue to be the person's best friend after they've excluded you from something, but you also shouldn't act like a child about it. The adult thing to do is to rise above your hurt or anger and be polite. That doesn't mean you have to be friendly, it doesn't mean you have to be happy or just "get over it", it just means you don't retaliate and try to disrupt or ruin their event and stir up drama. You aren't entitled to ruin their event, but you are totally entitled to feel however you happen to feel. There's nothing wrong with that at all and there's nothing childish about letting the exclusion change the way you feel about the person who excluded you.

 

[wdwfan16]

Why do you insist on bringing up old threads? Is your life so boring that you have to keep bringing up mine? Get off it and move on.

FYI: That all ended a long time ago and its over and done with. WE have fixed the problem and moved on. Sadly only a stranger on a message board seems to be hanging on to the problem.

Telling the couple why she will not be attending is not spiteful or vindictive; its being truthful. Telling them "oh have a wonderful life" when you do not feel that way is being a hypocrite.

Because you previous behavior, in particular with your own mother and refusing to go out to dinner FOR HER BIRTHDAY (see the parallel here) is exactly that behavior that is not acceptable yet you keep telling other to do just that. You have so much drama in your family and you wonder why? Your passive-aggressive actions keep the drama going on and on and on.

My life it not full of drama that I keep going.

Telling the couple you are not attending it just an X in the box. Sending a sarcastic note with it is vindictive. That is exactly what you said you would do!!! Backpedaling now I see, just like all your drama threads. What is so hard in your heart that you would not wish a newlywed couple a wonderful life?