Will the family drama ever end

[Mickey's Minion]

Sorry for your family drama - it really does stink.

If your sister was truly judged by high school behavior 17 years ago, then shame on the bride. However, she is free to invite or not invite whomever she wants.

I would also have had my sister be my +1.

Although I would not have shown up and behaved badly. That would have just proven the cousin right in not inviting the sister.

Showing up + behaving badly = Proves cousin right, cousin wins

Showing up + behaving impeccably = Proves cousin wrong, sister wins and makes bride look like an idiot.

 

[Scurvy]

to Scurvy.

(If this post was taken out of context, it would be weird.)

It does sound a little odd, doesn't it?!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In situations like this I try and consult the how-to books of Jane Austen.

If your family is singled out like that you would need to handle it with well placed lying and/or by being aloof and absent from the situation.

However the mom in this situation is scorching the earth and making it worse. OP has no control over that and has to deal with it.

So OP, avoid conversations with your mom and anyone else for awhile that just wants to rehash, over and over again. Tell them "it is, what it is" and move on down the line.

 

[TwinsinCA]

The fact is, the cousin has every right to invite and not invite anyone she wishes. Is excluding the sister the right thing for her to do? From the OP's account, my thought is that it isn't. But that doesn't matter, because the bride is well within her rights to exclude the girl for any reason at all. Maybe there's more backstory there that would explain the exclusion, and maybe there isn't. But when it comes right down to it, it's her wedding and she can exclude anyone she wants to.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Personally, I'd rather burn it and move on without being an *******. But maybe that's just me.

The whole idea of burning a bridge is just that; burning it. Not sprinkling pixie dust on it and calling it a day.

No, it's not just you. I think any civilized person would feel the same way. The suggestion to attend with the sister as a guest and then intentionally behave badly sounds completely childish and incredibly rude. It's ridiculous. There is no excuse for anyone behaving that way. I can certainly understand the temptation to do something like that - but surely no one would be so "low class" as to actually behave in such a way.

The fact is, the cousin has every right to invite and not invite anyone she wishes. Is excluding the sister the right thing for her to do? From the OP's account, my thought is that it isn't. But that doesn't matter, because the bride is well within her rights to exclude the girl for any reason at all. Maybe there's more backstory there that would explain the exclusion, and maybe there isn't. But when it comes right down to it, it's her wedding and she can exclude anyone she wants to.

If the OP and her mother disapprove of the exclusion, the right way to respond is to RSVP "No" and move on. That's it. If you feel strongly enough about the situation, then cut the bride and groom out of your life completely after RSVP-ing. Register your displeasure that way, like an adult. Don't RSVP "yes" and then be a no-show - that brings you down below the cousin's level. Don't go to the wedding and behave like a buffoon - that just makes you look like a fool to everyone else and proves the cousin right. OP, I know you aren't doing either of those things and I think you are handling this perfectly. The bride and groom are also handling this well at this point - they absolutely should not be responding to your mother's drama.

OP, It's very unfortunate that your family has had such a terrible falling out. I hope someday they can find a way to mend the breech. But in the meantime, staying out of it is probably the best thing you can do!

Um, so tired of family treating you like garbage and then having to make nice at the next reunion/function/wedding?

Yeah, me too.

I'm not going to be bothered with "registering my displeasure", lol. If she's going to be such a spoiled, useless brat as to cut my sister out of her wedding, then she needs to know that such ugly behavior on her part will be met with immediate and serious consequences.

C'mon, how many people out there spend their lives in quiet desperation with their stupid family, letting them treat you like crap and then having to be polite about it?

So, the wedding rolls around, you show up with your sister, and during the ceremony you cough, a lot. Especially during the part where they say "should anyone have just cause why these two should not be married."

Then during the reception, oops, knocked the cake over. My bad! Of course, you should be stone cold sober because then relatives will have nothing to blame your behavior on other than revenge. Which is the entire point. Treat me like crap, I treat you like crap. Are we done now?

This will serve two purposes: one, you'll save a ton of money on gifts to stupid relatives weddings because you won't get invited to them, and two, the cousin will know not to mess with you or your sister, ever again.

 

[TwinsinCA]

C'mon, how many people out there spend their lives in quiet desperation with their stupid family, letting them treat you like crap and then having to be polite about it?

Which might be exactly what the bride is thinking. She's done being polite and wants her day to be the way she wants it.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

IrishTigger-HS was 17 years ago for my sister

Missed this first time around. "A few decades" ago sounds a little more dramatic than the actual 17 years. Not that 17 years isn't a long time to hold a grudge, IF that's what it's about.

There are people (very few) who wouldn't understand my cutting my sister out of my life. There are many more who do, as they've done the same (or wanted to). But if it came down to it and I didn't invite my sister to my kids' wedding, the ones who don't "get it" would be outraged. But, I'm not going around telling everyone in the family what has transpired with her. They can choose to come or not to my kids' weddings, but I would hope they wouldn't ruin their weddings for revenge. That would be despicable. Actually, I know who the ones who wouldn't "get it" are at this point, and I wouldn't invite them either. Luckily, with DDs 21 and 19, I pretty much know what type of wedding they'd like, and they'd be small.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The whole idea of burning a bridge is just that; burning it. Not sprinkling pixie dust on it and calling it a day.



Um, so tired of family treating you like garbage and then having to make nice at the next reunion/function/wedding?

Yeah, me too.

I'm not going to be bothered with "registering my displeasure", lol. If she's going to be such a spoiled, useless brat as to cut my sister out of her wedding, then she needs to know that such ugly behavior on her part will be met with immediate and serious consequences.

C'mon, how many people out there spend their lives in quiet desperation with their stupid family, letting them treat you like crap and then having to be polite about it?

So, the wedding rolls around, you show up with your sister, and during the ceremony you cough, a lot. Especially during the part where they say "should anyone have just cause why these two should not be married."

Then during the reception, oops, knocked the cake over. My bad! Of course, you should be stone cold sober because then relatives will have nothing to blame your behavior on other than revenge. Which is the entire point. Treat me like crap, I treat you like crap. Are we done now?

This will serve two purposes: one, you'll save a ton of money on gifts to stupid relatives weddings because you won't get invited to them, and two, the cousin will know not to mess with you or your sister, ever again.

Is this a reality show, like Bridezillas or an episode of Jerry Springer? Sorry no way in heck would I ever do something like that. You would really knock over their cake?

 

[Disneyrsh]

Is this a reality show, like Bridezillas or an episode of Jerry Springer? Sorry no way in heck would I ever do something like that. You would really knock over their cake?

Maybe just the top tier. Spare them having to eat it after it's been sitting in the freezer for a year. See, I'm doing them a favor, actually!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Um, so tired of family treating you like garbage

Well, if you act like garbage...

I suspect if you're this intent on behaving in the manner you describe, you've already put yourself out there as such.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Is this a reality show, like Bridezillas or an episode of Jerry Springer? Sorry no way in heck would I ever do something like that. You would really knock over their cake?

Jerry Springer has a new source for guests...the DIS!

 

[piglet too]

While I agree that 17 years is a long time, and the OP's sister has probably changed a lot, it is the bride's choice. Does not mean that I would be OK with it if I was the OP, I just would not be seeking revenge like some have suggested.

When my uncle got married (close to 23 years ago now) they did not invite my older sister. Why? Because my nephew was only a few months old and they did not want a baby at the wedding. Never mind that there were plenty of people that could have watched him, they just assumed that she would bring him. This (plus the way his wife treated my parents, my other sister, and myself at the wedding) is a big part of why we don't have much to do with them anymore. My youngest is 8, they have never met her. (Their choice, I have tried many times to get together with them) Nor have they met my 11 year old or my 13 year old neice.

 

[Heidict]

Is this a reality show, like Bridezillas or an episode of Jerry Springer? Sorry no way in heck would I ever do something like that. You would really knock over their cake?

I think she was joking considering that in her first post she clearly stated that she responded no to the RSVP and was not bringing her sister.

I'm sure she is just imagining a fun little revenge scenario in her mind. I know I have done that a time or two.


OP, I don't know the back-story as to why your cousin would exclude your sister but barring something horrible, like she slept with a BF or personally hurt a family member, then I really can't think of a reason to exclude her.

It's her decision though and one that she will have to deal with the consequences of.

Hope you and your DS plan a fun day together. Let her know who her true family is.

 

[Metsfan520]

No, it's not just you. I think any civilized person would feel the same way. The suggestion to attend with the sister as a guest and then intentionally behave badly sounds completely childish and incredibly rude. It's ridiculous. There is no excuse for anyone behaving that way. I can certainly understand the temptation to do something like that - but surely no one would be so "low class" as to actually behave in such a way.

The fact is, the cousin has every right to invite and not invite anyone she wishes. Is excluding the sister the right thing for her to do? From the OP's account, my thought is that it isn't. But that doesn't matter, because the bride is well within her rights to exclude the girl for any reason at all. Maybe there's more backstory there that would explain the exclusion, and maybe there isn't. But when it comes right down to it, it's her wedding and she can exclude anyone she wants to.

If the OP and her mother disapprove of the exclusion, the right way to respond is to RSVP "No" and move on. That's it. If you feel strongly enough about the situation, then cut the bride and groom out of your life completely after RSVP-ing. Register your displeasure that way, like an adult. Don't RSVP "yes" and then be a no-show - that brings you down below the cousin's level. Don't go to the wedding and behave like a buffoon - that just makes you look like a fool to everyone else and proves the cousin right. OP, I know you aren't doing either of those things and I think you are handling this perfectly. The bride and groom are also handling this well at this point - they absolutely should not be responding to your mother's drama.

OP, It's very unfortunate that your family has had such a terrible falling out. I hope someday they can find a way to mend the breech. But in the meantime, staying out of it is probably the best thing you can do!

Great post.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Well, if you act like garbage...

I suspect if you're this intent on behaving in the manner you describe, you've already put yourself out there as such.

Gee, MaryAnnDVC, are you calling me garbage? Thanks for the personal insult.

Truth be told, there are much more satisfying ways to ruin a wedding.

This was the "burn bridges" method, where the bride knows who screwed up her super-precious totally perfect everything will be done the way I want it Bridezilla day, because you'll never see her again and you don't care.

If you merely want to get her back for not inviting your sister, well, then that requires a more delicate, anonymous touch.

 

[Metsfan520]

The whole idea of burning a bridge is just that; burning it. Not sprinkling pixie dust on it and calling it a day.



Um, so tired of family treating you like garbage and then having to make nice at the next reunion/function/wedding?

Yeah, me too.

I'm not going to be bothered with "registering my displeasure", lol. If she's going to be such a spoiled, useless brat as to cut my sister out of her wedding, then she needs to know that such ugly behavior on her part will be met with immediate and serious consequences.

C'mon, how many people out there spend their lives in quiet desperation with their stupid family, letting them treat you like crap and then having to be polite about it?

So, the wedding rolls around, you show up with your sister, and during the ceremony you cough, a lot. Especially during the part where they say "should anyone have just cause why these two should not be married."

Then during the reception, oops, knocked the cake over. My bad! Of course, you should be stone cold sober because then relatives will have nothing to blame your behavior on other than revenge. Which is the entire point. Treat me like crap, I treat you like crap. Are we done now?

This will serve two purposes: one, you'll save a ton of money on gifts to stupid relatives weddings because you won't get invited to them, and two, the cousin will know not to mess with you or your sister, ever again.

I don't know what to say.

 

[dakcp2001]

OP here- I can't control how my mother behaves, and her decision to rsvp yes. I RSVP'd no. But I have to tell you, it hurts to just ignore something so mean. If I ever run into the bride & groom, I don't think I can be nice or friendly. I really believe in karma, so someone will be getting their comeupons.

My sister has never done anything personally to the bride or groom, she just had bad behavior in HS. BTW the other cousin that was exluded got out of rehab four years ago. These two were deemed "bag eggs". I think it is super interesting that everyone assumed my cousin is the bride. My cousin is the groom, and from what I have been told, it was his mother & sister who suggested leaving these two off the list. His mother being my mom's sister.

 

[Heidict]

OP here- I can't control how my mother behaves, and her decision to rsvp yes. I RSVP'd no. But I have to tell you, it hurts to just ignore something so mean. If I ever run into the bride & groom, I don't think I can be nice or friendly. I really believe in karma, so someone will be getting their comeupons.

My sister has never done anything personally to the bride or groom, she just had bad behavior in HS. BTW the other cousin that was exluded got out of rehab four years ago. These two were deemed "bag eggs". I think it is super interesting that everyone assumed my cousin is the bride. My cousin is the groom, and from what I have been told, it was his mother & sister who suggested leaving these two off the list. His mother being my mom's sister.

Some people are more stuck on appearances and family means nothing to them. They are more concerned with everything being "perfect". They don't care if they hurt people's feelings or cause rifts in family. It is best to write them off. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else.

Yeah, I thought the bride was your cousin. Don't know why I assumed that.

 

[Metsfan520]

OP here- I can't control how my mother behaves, and her decision to rsvp yes. I RSVP'd no. But I have to tell you, it hurts to just ignore something so mean. If I ever run into the bride & groom, I don't think I can be nice or friendly. I really believe in karma, so someone will be getting their comeupons.

My sister has never done anything personally to the bride or groom, she just had bad behavior in HS. BTW the other cousin that was exluded got out of rehab four years ago. These two were deemed "bag eggs". I think it is super interesting that everyone assumed my cousin is the bride. My cousin is the groom, and from what I have been told, it was his mother & sister who suggested leaving these two off the list. His mother being my mom's sister.

I think you are handling it perfectly. I don't blame you for not wanting to be nice or friendly to them, they don't deserve it. I believe in karma, too.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Yeah, I thought the bride was your cousin. Don't know why I assumed that.

Cause most guys wouldn't care about stuff like this.