Widows and widowers....need advice!

[Val]

I am a long time DISer....mostly a lurker, an occasional poster. Been on here for years. But, my life has now drastically changed.

10 days ago I lost my 52 year old husband to a massive heart attack. No warning- he went out to change the sprinkler, came in, sat down and went into cardiac arrest. My DS and I worked on him for 15 minutes until the paramedics got to him, they worked another 45......but they just couldn't bring him back. We were married for almost 25 years, and have 4 kids 13, 14, 18 and 22. To say we are devastated is a gross understatement.

Tomorrow the two oldest go back to college, and the three of us are left alone. We made it through the visitation, the funeral, etc. Financially there were a few major bad surprises (if he was still alive, I just might strangle him!) but we will be okay. But now it is starting to feel so empty and sad. This is where I need you more experienced folk- where do you begin to build your new life? How do you help your kids cope? When will it stop feeling numb and the healing begin? Can you go to Disney again and enjoy it?

We have lots and lots of help....friends and neighbors and work colleagues have brought massive amounts of food. We have lots of offers of help- its not the functioning of the house we worry about- its the emptiness. He left such a big hole. We KNOW will will be okay- but can we be better than okay? Maybe some of you who have been there/done that have some words of wisdom and advice. Again- we are okay financially, we have lots of help. No family in the area, but lots of friends. We just have to redefine who and what "family" is......but hey, we still have family. Much much much more lucky than most!

Thanks!!!!!! And those of you reading this who have a spouse/children- hug them. You never know when it might be the last time....I sure didn't!!

 

[Belle0101]

I don't have any advice but I did want to say that I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[NancyK]

I'm so very sorry.

 

[hereyago]

First off: I am very sorry for you and your family's loss.

I am not a widow, but my most recent loss was my DF and it was 6 years ago. And you just take it one day at a time. Mourning has so many stages and you have to get through them all, but you and your family WILL GET through this with time.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been through what you have but you and your kids WILL bet through it and find joy in life again, but it will take a while. Give it time.

Not sure if we ever chatted about this, but I used to live in Bloomington waaaay back in 1992 and taught at the Junior High School in Bloomington. A good friend of mine still teaches there.

 

[Mimi1965]

My Mom was in your boat-many, many moons ago with 4 kids of similar ages.

What happened is we moved 6 months later to live with her Mother who was dying and started a new life-surrounded by extended family,I really think it helped Mom cope

 

[abdmom]

Sent you a PM.

 

[april5675]

I know exactly what you are going through!!! My husband passed 5 years ago. He was hit by a car and 5 day later pronounced brain dead and I had to make the decision to let him go. I was only 30 years old and had 2 kids, they were 9 and 12. It has gotten easier with time. Do not push yourself to move on. It is ok to cry as much as you want. I didn't really cry or break down in front of my kids.....I did it while they were at school or asleep for the night. I put us into counseling and it has helped so much. I'm not sure if your a christian or not, but alot of churches have a group called Grief Share. This group was so helpful to me!!! As for going to Disney....we go and still have so much fun!!! Disney has become our Happy Place!!! Go ahead and start plannign your next trip.....your kids would really love it and so will you!!! Just know your going to get through this....it dosen't feel like it right now but you will! It just takes time!!! Feel free to PM me if you would like!!! Your in my prayers!!!

 

[kirstenb1]

No wisdom, just couldn't let this go without saying way too young, and my sincere condolences.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm so very sorry for you loss.. Such a shock - and so young..

My DH passed away in January of 2005.. It wasn't a surprise - he had been battling cancer and other health issues for around 10 years - and I was left in a terrible financial bind.. He was 15 yrs. older than I - I was 55 at the time.. Were it not for my Dson-in-law and what he did for me (long story); my DD, and my DGD, I don't know how I would have gone on.. We were married just short of 28 years - together 30 years..

I didn't have any young children at home, so that changes a lot.. We had also moved in with my DD and her family just a few months before my DH passed away, so that makes a big difference too..

For me personally - being around my DGD all the time is probably what helped pull me through.. I felt so lost and alone.. There's much that I could share with you, but I won't do it publicly - on this board..

Nothing will ever be the "same" - not exactly the same - but you and your children will develop a new "normal" - over the course of time.. How much time? There's no way of saying.. Everyone grieves differently.. People recover from a loss like this in different time frames - no two are alike..

If you would like to ask me anything specifically, feel free to PM me.. I'll be happy to answer whatever questions I can and share some of my experiences if you think it will help..

Meanwhile, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..

 

[ameraumi]

I am so sorry for your loss!!!

I lost my DH early last year to Pancreatic Cancer. I guess I was blessed (if you want to say that) that we knew that the diagnosis was not good and we had time to prepare. It also gave me that chance to grieve with him and accept what was to come. It was still hard when he actually passed, and I still felt empty, but I knew life had to go on for my kids. I had a lot of good friends and family that kept me busy. My friends got me back out and enjoying company again too.

Just take one day at a time. Let yourself cry when you feel it coming on. Take your time going over any paperwork and be sure to ask someone to help you if needed. Sometimes having someone with a "fresh" mind does wonders!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I have 2 friends that lost their husbands at a young age.

They have found comfort on this widow/widower's site:
www.ywbb.org

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

 

[Cindy B]

Val: I'm so sorry to hear this.

First, did you call Social Security yet? I am a former SS employee. (as of today). First, you are eligible for a small $255 death benefit. Secondly, your kids will be eligible for survivor benefits quickly. I quickly read the ages of the kids--you do get benefits up to age 19 (if full time student).

Once you turn 60 and remain unmarried, you are eligible for widow's benefits. Widow's benefits are most time higher than individuals own Soc. Security benefit.

Set the appt up so you can protectively file. Please do it quickly.

I am terribly sad for you.

 

[tiggerlover]

I have never been in your position, but I felt compelled to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine how devasting it is to lose someone you love so much so unexpectedly.

 

[minijeanie]

I am so sorry. I know how you feel. My husband passed a year and a half ago. He had pulmonary fibrosis and once diagnosed he was gone in six weeks. All my son wanted him to do was see him graduate from high school.. It was so so hard. How severely hard it is for you and your children....

I too often wondered how/would I go back to wdw. We went quite often with the kids. He often told me once we retired he wanted the job in MK taking the guests by horse drawn carriage to the castle... In some ways i want to put some of his ashes in a flowerbed at MK..

I know that after the shock wears off..which for me was just last week... I unfortunately was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months after I lost my husband. It has been a tough battle...But I think we all move on.. That is my new motto.
Cannot tell you how to feel or when to feel it. I just know that you will get on each and every day somehow. I would be very happy to talk to you if you want
and...who knows.. maybe we can meet up in wdw one day ...

god bless...my prayers are with you and your family

 

[dislaney]

No advise but I am so sorry for your loss!

 

[Imzadi]

I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for you loss.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Miss Peach]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Last week we lost a member of our family. He was only 30 and a newlywed. Killed by a drunk driver. In the middle of the day. We are all so shocked, and it is going to take time for things to not seem so raw.

Everyone is handling it differently, some, I fear, have lost all sense of the goodness of life. I am hoping that in a years time we will have made our peace.

I hope you will move forward at your own pace and one day be happy again.

Cathy

 

[4nana]

I have no advise, but wanted to say how very sorry I am for your sudden heartbreaking loss . I can't begin to imagine the grief and emptiness you're suffering, but please know that many prayers are being sent your way. We have many wonderful Dis'ners here that share your pain and can offer you lots of hope, encouragement, and advise. Godspeed and may all the wonderful loving memories you and DH shared help warm your heart and guide you and children in all your days.