Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

[mdsoccermom]

Perhaps your sister didn't ask for help because 1) she feels she has the situation ubpnder control and 2) she oesn't want people in her business. That's lovely that she took you in, but that doesn't mean she has an obligation to disclose her financial situation to you.

 

[tnmt]

I don't think this question has been asked. Does niece have a job? When I was 17 I was working part time and I paid for all my clothes, gas, ins, etc. We didn't have much growing up so I knew getting a job would benefit me greatly.

 

[Hannathy]

I don't think this question has been asked. Does niece have a job? When I was 17 I was working part time and I paid for all my clothes, gas, ins, etc. We didn't have much growing up so I knew getting a job would benefit me greatly.

Perhaps the girl is taking a lot of AP classes so she can save money in college? If she has several AP's it can be hard to hold down a job and do well in those classes. Also some places it is hard for kids to find jobs right now.

 

[eliza61]

Perhaps the girl is taking a lot of AP classes so she can save money in college? If she has several AP's it can be hard to hold down a job and do well in those classes. Also some places it is hard for kids to find jobs right now.

Doesn't even have to be ap classes. My son took a few honors classes but thruthfully he was always a kid that had to do serious studying. He got a job in retail but most of the stores want the kids to work 25-30 hours, every weekend day. My son simply could not handle his full school load and the job.

He did try to get his hours cut but the store he worked at (Boscov's) said sat & sund plus 2 school nights were mandatory.

We had him quit. Now he's a freshman in college, he worked over the summer and saved his money but we buy his clothes. His freshmen year, I'd rather he concentrate on his studies and yes, even college life than worrying about holding down a job.

 

[mickeysgal]

The OP's niece could try reselling her clothes she didn't want anymore.

During H.S. my daughter used to take her good condition "old" clothes to Cillies (I think that's how you spell it). It's a second hand store that would buy her clothes if they wanted them. She would make $12-$25 every time she took clothes there. She'd take back what they didn't want, wait a couple of months, then take it back with some new "old" clothes. Often they'd take the stuff that they originally rejected...it just depends on the person and what they are looking for at the moment. It put some spending money in my DD's pocket for those clothing extras that she just had to have but weren't necessities (we bought those for her).

 

[dogluva]

Doesn't even have to be ap classes. My son took a few honors classes but thruthfully he was always a kid that had to do serious studying. He got a job in retail but most of the stores want the kids to work 25-30 hours, every weekend day. My son simply could not handle his full school load and the job.

He did try to get his hours cut but the store he worked at (Boscov's) said sat & sund plus 2 school nights were mandatory.

We had him quit. Now he's a freshman in college, he worked over the summer and saved his money but we buy his clothes. His freshmen year, I'd rather he concentrate on his studies and yes, even college life than worrying about holding down a job.

Well my daughters and my son must be the exception. They never had a problem with holding down jobs and making honor roll. It actually may help them organize their time. The jobs they work are giving them experience in what they want to do when they graduate. Example, my daughter is a CNA and wants to be a nurse. So, she is getting paid and experience. She is a member of the national honor society and has a social life. She enjoys her job and does not worry about "holding it down".

 

[worm761]

I don't think this question has been asked. Does niece have a job? When I was 17 I was working part time and I paid for all my clothes, gas, ins, etc. We didn't have much growing up so I knew getting a job would benefit me greatly.

I worked a full time job in high school. I know how it is.

My niece doesn't have a job because she had to babysit the younger kids all summer. She just got her license and is currently looking for a job. They live in the middle of nowhere, closest neighbor is a field or two away. Walking wasn't an option.

 

[shortbun]

Perhaps the girl is taking a lot of AP classes so she can save money in college? If she has several AP's it can be hard to hold down a job and do well in those classes. Also some places it is hard for kids to find jobs right now.

Got that right! Jobs are hard to find and AP courses take lots of time and effort! If a student is that busy and doing well, they should be supported if possible. Many of the kids I know are taking AP's, playing an instrument, either marching in the band or playing a sport-or both and doing volunteer work as well as attending a church. What employer would be able to be that flexible with hours and how many hours could those kids work? Imho, it's the job of the student to do a good job making themselves scholarship material. That way, fewer loans and lower cost for college which is more important that a job earning $50 a week max which lowers their study time.

 

[auntie]

Perhaps your sister didn't ask for help because 1) she feels she has the situation ubpnder control and 2) she oesn't want people in her business. That's lovely that she took you in, but that doesn't mean she has an obligation to disclose her financial situation to you.

EXACTLY. It doesn't seem as if anyone was going without meals. Money appears to be a little tight. It's their business. Kids also learn what it is to be a family and to appreciate what they do have during tough times. While well intentioned, sometimes the "help" is more about the person giving it..than the one receiving it (especially when the recipient didn't indicate they wanted any).

 

[eliza61]

Well my daughters and my son must be the exception. They never had a problem with holding down jobs and making honor roll. It actually may help them organize their time. The jobs they work are giving them experience in what they want to do when they graduate. Example, my daughter is a CNA and wants to be a nurse. So, she is getting paid and experience. She is a member of the national honor society and has a social life. She enjoys her job and does not worry about "holding it down".

And that's the beauty of education, it follows a wide arc. Some kids can manage multiple activities, some cannot. Nothing exceptional about your kids in that aspect (LOL I mean all mamas think their kids are exceptional, myself included) they are simply different. some kids pick things up easy, some do not. some have an affinity for certain areas, some do not. Some will be national honor society members, others will not.
Most of the kids I know get average, every day teenage jobs such as fast food, retail, manual labor.
My son is not sure about what he wants to major in and that's perfectly A-ok, not every teen has to have all the answers at 17.
My brother played basketball and got grades good enough that enabled him to get into the naval academy, Me, I had to work hard for every B I earned high school through college.
It's not a about "worrying", it's about knowing your kid. why should I force my kid to get a job, in what is probably a minimum wage job when I know that's not conducive to his education? Even if it was in a field he thinks he would want to do later in life, it would be pretty counterproductive wouldn't it, if working caused his grades to drop, now wouldn't it.

 

[dogluva]

And that's the beauty of education, it follows a wide arc. Some kids can manage multiple activities, some cannot. Nothing exceptional about your kids in that aspect (LOL I mean all mamas think their kids are exceptional, myself included) they are simply different. some kids pick things up easy, some do not. some have an affinity for certain areas, some do not. Some will be national honor society members, others will not.
Most of the kids I know get average, every day teenage jobs such as fast food, retail, manual labor.
My son is not sure about what he wants to major in and that's perfectly A-ok, not every teen has to have all the answers at 17.
My brother played basketball and got grades good enough that enabled him to get into the naval academy, Me, I had to work hard for every B I earned high school through college.
It's not a about "worrying", it's about knowing your kid. why should I force my kid to get a job, in what is probably a minimum wage job when I know that's not conducive to his education? Even if it was in a field he thinks he would want to do later in life, it would be pretty counterproductive wouldn't it, if working caused his grades to drop, now wouldn't it.

Well if the 17 year old cannot afford pants that fit (although the thing about the flood pants doesn't make sense, most girls stop growing around 14 or so so they probably didn't fit for awhile), she could probably try to find a way to make a little bit of money, maybe babysitting or something? I don't think kids are studying all day and night-I also don't know any kid around here who volunteers (except mine-they teach religious ed-another brag, sorry).

 

[Hannathy]

-I also don't know any kid around here who volunteers (except mine-they teach religious ed-another brag, sorry).

None of your DD's friends are in NHS with her? because you have to volunteer a lot of hours to be in NHS.

Also to get into a big Name college you have to be volunteering, so I'm very surprised you don't know any teens who volunteer.


And my DD didn't reach her adult height to 16 so some girls do keep growing in high school.

 

[luvmy3]

It wouldn't upset you that your niece is being made fun of for wearing clothing that doesn't fit? I am not annoyed with my sister. I just don't understand why she wouldn't ask for help this time when she has in the past. She knows that she be fine in a few months time. Things are just hard now. She also knows that I don't have back to school expenses since DS does his schooling online and DD is only 2. I know that if I need help then I can/will/have called both of my sisters for that help. If she can't buy a $10 pair of pants then I am guessing it is time to ask for some help.

Sorry, your post does comes off like you are annoyed with her. I get that your heart is in the right place, but if it were me, I'd respect my sister's decision to not ask for help, whether or not I agreed with it. I would also assume that my 17 year old niece was able to understand their situation and that they have discussed it and what it means as far as not being able to have this or that, and that since they didn't go asking for help that they have decided they don't actually want it.

 

[dogluva]

None of your DD's friends are in NHS with her? because you have to volunteer a lot of hours to be in NHS.

Also to get into a big Name college you have to be volunteering, so I'm very surprised you don't know any teens who volunteer.


And my DD didn't reach her adult height to 16 so some girls do keep growing in high school.

Well, my two oldest go to state schools, not "big name" colleges. I went to a state school and have done very well. No, she and her sister are the only ones that I know who volunteer. Her friends do not. She is the only one of her friends in the NHS and I don't know what the requirements are as far as volunteering. She has only been in it since May.

I still don't understand why a 17 year old cannot find some way of making money to buy some school clothes, even with all the excuses her about "AP" classes. They don't exist in the summer where I live. She had the summer off (I am sure she was not watching her younger siblings 24/7) and could have found some way to make some money. My 12 year old even knows how to figure out how to make some money when he needs it.

 

[eliza61]

Well, my two oldest go to state schools, not "big name" colleges. I went to a state school and have done very well. No, she and her sister are the only ones that I know who volunteer. Her friends do not. She is the only one of her friends in the NHS and I don't know what the requirements are as far as volunteering. She has only been in it since May.

I still don't understand why a 17 year old cannot find some way of making money to buy some school clothes, even with all the excuses her about "AP" classes. They don't exist in the summer where I live. She had the summer off (I am sure she was not watching her younger siblings 24/7) and could have found some way to make some money. My 12 year old even knows how to figure out how to make some money when he needs it.

Because it's not as easy as opening your door and saying "here I am give me a job". If it was as easy as you evidently make it sound like than unemployment among teens would not be about 15%

If a 12 year old is making money that means HIS parents are either giving him chores or they are in some way making htat possible. don't know where you live but in NJ 12 year olds cannot work nor drive. paper routes around here are jobs for adults with cars, the Philadelphia inquirere does not hire anyone who does not have transportation and in fact they prefer for you to be married so if you can't get up to deliver the papers your spouse agrees to do it. Op doesn't have any money so we're back to square 1.

Yes my 17 year old did get a job but as I said the requirements of that job meant poor grades. that is not a trade off I'm willing to accept. Now my son did work during the summer but once again you are not reading the post, op is talking about now during the school year. as for babysitting. see my thread about that.

Now my kid is 18 and goes to the University of Cincinnati. His not working paid off because he is able to attend the college of his choice with some financial help from the school. Not all the tuition but a heck of a lot more than he would have made at some minimum wage job that would probably have been detrimental to his grades resulting in no scholarships.

 

[dogluva]

Because it's not as easy as opening your door and saying "here I am give me a job". If it was as easy as you evidently make it sound like than unemployment among teens would not be about 15%

If a 12 year old is making money that means HIS parents are either giving him chores or they are in some way making htat possible. don't know where you live but in NJ 12 year olds cannot work nor drive. paper routes around here are jobs for adults with cars, the Philadelphia inquirere does not hire anyone who does not have transportation and in fact they prefer for you to be married so if you can't get up to deliver the papers your spouse agrees to do it. Op doesn't have any money so we're back to square 1.

Yes my 17 year old did get a job but as I said the requirements of that job meant poor grades. that is not a trade off I'm willing to accept. Now my son did work during the summer but once again you are not reading the post, op is talking about now during the school year. as for babysitting. see my thread about that.

Now my kid is 18 and goes to the University of Cincinnati. His not working paid off because he is able to attend the college of his choice with some financial help from the school. Not all the tuition but a heck of a lot more than he would have made at some minimum wage job that would probably have been detrimental to his grades resulting in no scholarships.

Obviously my 12 year old does not actually work. He finds odd jobs in the neighborhood! The 10 year old across the street mows lawns. I get the not working so you can concentrate on grades thing. My oldest is in a one year masters program and he cannot work. However, he worked like a dog all summer so he would have some money to use during the year. I still think a 17 year can find some type of way of making some money. I understand the unemployment thing, it is bad here as well.

17 is almost an adult.

 

[snykymom]

Your neice is 17-not seven. She should have a part time job and buy her own clothes. I haven't bought school clothes for my 17 year old daughter in about two years. I do buy her stuff but she shops for all her own clothes. If money is so tight, she should have a babysitting job or something.

I still think a 17 year can find some type of way of making some money. I understand the unemployment thing, it is bad here as well.

17 is almost an adult.

Obviously, you don't understand the unemployment thing if you insist that you "don't understand" why a 17 year old can't find a job. You simply assume she's not looking.

Around here, a relatively affluent area even in these times, adults who have been laid off can't get fast food jobs, never mind the kids. There is no retail around here. I know 16 and 17 year olds who have been looking for part-time jobs for six months, and there's nothing around that works with their school and extracurricular activities (necessary to compete for merit aid in college). Or they can't get there - the parents work and the kids either don't have licenses or don't have cars.

Babysitting gigs aren't easy to get either (when parents are unemployed or underemployed, they don't get out much), nor can they be counted on for a steady income.

Judgmental much?

 

[eliza61]

Obviously my 12 year old does not actually work. He finds odd jobs in the neighborhood! The 10 year old across the street mows lawns. I get the not working so you can concentrate on grades thing. My oldest is in a one year masters program and he cannot work. However, he worked like a dog all summer so he would have some money to use during the year. I still think a 17 year can find some type of way of making some money. I understand the unemployment thing, it is bad here as well.

17 is almost an adult.

I think with teens it's more to consider than just "get a job". I don't know op's situation so I'll give you my 17 scenerio.

My son turned 17 at the end of November so he immediately was able to get Christmas store job. Now like I said the malls around here during christmas schedule you at least 3 week nights and both sat and sunday. his hours were 5-10 pm. Now since both dh and I work we needed our cars and we don't get home until 5 for me, 7 for my dh. that meant ds had to get the bus. we live in the suburbs buses run about every20-30 minutes, so to be on time he caught the 4:15 bus. which meant he'd rush home, pack a dinner and try to get some home work done. Then at 10 pm either dh or I had to pick him up. 10:30 maybe another 30 mins of work then he'd drop exhausted into bed.
By the end of December his solid b grades had dropped to C/C- plus the cost of bus and the cost of one of his driving him home made working not the best choice. C- are not the grades I wanted him sending to colleges. So we made him quit.

Now he did work in the summer and he knew he had to save his money.

Like I said, maybe where you live teens can get jobs easily that are flexible but for us part time work after school comes with consequences. Now I live in a development, for the most part households are 2 working parents, they are not hiring kids to cut their grass, they do it themselves on the weekend. You should here all the lawn mowers going now or their own kids do it and I've never ever hired a babysitter in my life.

This was just my experience.

 

[SaraJayne]

It was nice of you to help.

Just curious, how is her daughter off to college in fall when the mom can't afford pants?

The same way the rest of us poor kids went ~ financial aid and loans.

 

[Swan4Me]

Thank you. I didn't even think of this. I did make a line in my savings budget with her name on it. So I will start saving for her just like I do my kids.

As for college, she is moving to my other sister and her and her cousin have big plans to go to school together. Sister is willing to let her live there while in college and to get on her feet. I am pretty sure she is planning on financial aid and loans. She knows her mother just can't pay for it. As for either of my sisters seeing this post, I am the only Disney nut in my family so they would never come here. They have both been and don't quite get why I keep going back.

If you cant buy pants for your kid, much less prom clothes, etc...and this teen cant find a way to get cheap clothes (hello-Goodwill! I give practically new clothes to there all the time)....how will she figure out loans and Finanicial aid for college?