Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

[duffy]

I often find that gifts from family aren't really gifts. They come with strings attached. As in: "after all I've done for you, you should take my side!" They expect me to keep polishing their halo.

I vowed years ago to not take "gifts" from family. Maybe your sister feels the same way.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My other sister has a coupon for $20 off $40 at Rue 21 and has a teen girl that can help her get the "cool" stuff.

Our local one had a handful of "blingy" jeans marked way down last week. Got 2 pairs for my wife for $6 each. Figures, I went in there to get something for my daughter & couldn't find anything in her size on sale

 

[worm761]

If the niece is going off to college next year, you might want to think also about senior year expenses. Senior photos and Prom alone are pricey.

For Prom, there are a few things you can do to help get a nice dress, and one of those is hitting the after-Christmas party dress sales in January.

Thank you. I didn't even think of this. I did make a line in my savings budget with her name on it. So I will start saving for her just like I do my kids.

As for college, she is moving to my other sister and her and her cousin have big plans to go to school together. Sister is willing to let her live there while in college and to get on her feet. I am pretty sure she is planning on financial aid and loans. She knows her mother just can't pay for it.

As for either of my sisters seeing this post, I am the only Disney nut in my family so they would never come here. They have both been and don't quite get why I keep going back.

 

[worm761]

I often find that gifts from family aren't really gifts. They come with strings attached. As in: "after all I've done for you, you should take my side!" They expect me to keep polishing their halo.

I vowed years ago to not take "gifts" from family. Maybe your sister feels the same way.

I would never do that to her. And like I said before, when I had no where to go when I left my ex, this is the one person in my family that took me and DS in. DS is autistic and not many people could or can handle him. If anything, she could say to me after all she did for me that I owe her. She is the reason that I got back on my feet. I am very grateful. And not once has she ever brought it up as an I owe her kind of thing.

 

[Deesknee]

It was nice of you to help.

Just curious, how is her daughter off to college in fall when the mom can't afford pants?

My husband lost his job when my kids were juniors in high school. He is now what is called "underemployed" . My triplets are primarily putting themselves through college. Some kids want it bad enough, to work while in college & take out loans in their own names. We gave them the options, that we would down size the house, which would be a sacrifice for the entire family, to help them so their loans are minimal. They choose to keep things the best we could, and take a student loans out themselves. That said they all got incredible scholarships, and grants.

 

[VickiVM]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

Sorry, but the tone of your email sounds like you're annoyed with your sister, as though something's wrong with her for not speaking up.

What you're doing for your family is wonderful, but don't make your sister out like she's neglectful. I can totally identify with her - my kids do go without when we are stretched financially, which is often. We will defer purchases until the 'next paycheck' because we can't get everything we need at once. We triage requests often.

 

[Kitzka]

ITA.

Years ago, my dh and I were both laid off from our jobs shortly after we'd bought a house. There were not only no jobs to be had in our field, we couldn't even get fast food jobs. Even being extremely careful, we ran through our savings and were in financial trouble. When we asked our family for a little bit of help, we didn't get it. Instead, what we got were nasty diatribes about how we must have "done something to deserve being laid off." (The fact that our employers laid off tons of people because the economy was in the toilet was irrelevant, you see. If we'd been "good" employees, we would have "naturally" been kept on. Because only "bad" employees get the pink slip in a lay off.) And if we'd been "smart", we wouldn't have bought our house. Our very modest 1000' house that we'd saved for 7 years and had a 25% downpayment on. Yeah, somehow that little house was an "extravagance that you're now paying for" -- all said by people living in 5000 sq foot homes driving huge SUVs and with boats in the garage and designer purses on their arms. Years later, we are long since recovered financially (with no one's help, mind you) and that time still gets thrown in our face. Believe me, we both wish we'd never swallowed our pride and asked for help.

So I'd have to truly be starving before I'd ever ask for help again.

I just wanted to comment on what you have said. DH lost his job back in Nov. his company shut down and everyone except for 1 HR woman, house attorney and the accounting person were let go. When we told DH's family they were very negative and remarked "i hope you don't come to me when you need money." This is from his only sister who has a very lavish (we assume heavily in debt) lifestyle. we live much mroe modestly and will be fine and can manage for 3 years before we have to ask anyone for help but after 3 years we would have to ask for help. Luckily my salary covers the mortgage, bills, and general living expenses without cutting anything. We can always save by cutting things if we needed to.

I also know that I can ask my brother without any issue. He doesn't make a lot but has been a big help. he lives 3 hours away but if we know that I have to work and DH has a job interview he will come down and stay with DD and get her where she needs to go and spend time with her until one of us gets home.

DH's sister lives 45 mins away and won't even pick up the phone to call DD on her birthday. We asekd once for help with picking DD up and she called 30 mins before she was suppose to pick her up saying that he couldn't make it.

So, if the time came and we needed grocery money or what not, i know my brother or parents would come through without judgement. Hubby's family? there would be a mountain of judgement with a side of righteousness.

to the OP-sorry to go off topic but you are a wonderful aunt and sister. they are lucky to have you.

Lara

 

[luvmy3]

Sorry, but the tone of your email sounds like you're annoyed with your sister, as though something's wrong with her for not speaking up.

What you're doing for your family is wonderful, but don't make your sister out like she's neglectful. I can totally identify with her - my kids do go without when we are stretched financially, which is often. We will defer purchases until the 'next paycheck' because we can't get everything we need at once. We triage requests often.

I got the same vibe from the OP too.
It would be one thing if the kids were starving and she wasn't asking for help and being upset, but not over some clothes.

 

[JessicaR]

ITA.

Years ago, my dh and I were both laid off from our jobs shortly after we'd bought a house. There were not only no jobs to be had in our field, we couldn't even get fast food jobs. Even being extremely careful, we ran through our savings and were in financial trouble. When we asked our family for a little bit of help, we didn't get it. Instead, what we got were nasty diatribes about how we must have "done something to deserve being laid off." (The fact that our employers laid off tons of people because the economy was in the toilet was irrelevant, you see. If we'd been "good" employees, we would have "naturally" been kept on. Because only "bad" employees get the pink slip in a lay off.) And if we'd been "smart", we wouldn't have bought our house. Our very modest 1000' house that we'd saved for 7 years and had a 25% downpayment on. Yeah, somehow that little house was an "extravagance that you're now paying for" -- all said by people living in 5000 sq foot homes driving huge SUVs and with boats in the garage and designer purses on their arms. Years later, we are long since recovered financially (with no one's help, mind you) and that time still gets thrown in our face. Believe me, we both wish we'd never swallowed our pride and asked for help.

So I'd have to truly be starving before I'd ever ask for help again.

That IS horrible! They didn't even help and yet they still throw it in your face years later? I can say that I would not have any relationship with people that treated me that way. Family or not.

OP - glad you were able to help your sister out. I'm sure it is greatly appreciated.

 

[worm761]

I got the same vibe from the OP too.
It would be one thing if the kids were starving and she wasn't asking for help and being upset, but not over some clothes.

It wouldn't upset you that your niece is being made fun of for wearing clothing that doesn't fit? I am not annoyed with my sister. I just don't understand why she wouldn't ask for help this time when she has in the past. She knows that she be fine in a few months time. Things are just hard now. She also knows that I don't have back to school expenses since DS does his schooling online and DD is only 2. I know that if I need help then I can/will/have called both of my sisters for that help. If she can't buy a $10 pair of pants then I am guessing it is time to ask for some help.

 

[happygirl]

It wouldn't upset you that your niece is being made fun of for wearing clothing that doesn't fit? I am not annoyed with my sister. I just don't understand why she wouldn't ask for help this time when she has in the past. She knows that she be fine in a few months time. Things are just hard now. She also knows that I don't have back to school expenses since DS does his schooling online and DD is only 2. I know that if I need help then I can/will/have called both of my sisters for that help. If she can't buy a $10 pair of pants then I am guessing it is time to ask for some help.

It's not that easy

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Ummm...YOU are venting and annoyed because your sister did not want to ask you for help? I would never ask either. If I was you I would have felt bad that my sister felt that she couldn't ask me for help when she needed it. I wouldn't be annoyed and I certainly wouldn't post it on the internet even if she doesn't read here. Maybe it is me but I don't see what there is to be annoyed about. I hate taking anything from anyone so maybe she is the same way or maybe she felt that she couldn't ask you and was embarrassed.

 

[Andtototoo]

That IS horrible! They didn't even help and yet they still throw it in your face years later? I can say that I would not have any relationship with people that treated me that way. Family or not.

Thanks! Luckily the worst amongst them -- my MIL and my father -- have died and gone onto what I hope is their just reward. The worst of them are in dh's family (my family has died out) and unfortunately he has trouble seeing them for what they are 99% of the time. It's a definite issue in our marriage, I'm not going to lie.

 

[auntie]

I got the same vibe from the OP too.
It would be one thing if the kids were starving and she wasn't asking for help and being upset, but not over some clothes.

I agree. While certainly the OP is well intentioned, I believe the sister's privacy and choices should be respected. No one's starving..they had to wear old clothes. Clearly, the sister has her reasons for wanting to keep her financial situation private.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Sorry, but the tone of your email sounds like you're annoyed with your sister, as though something's wrong with her for not speaking up.

What you're doing for your family is wonderful, but don't make your sister out like she's neglectful. I can totally identify with her - my kids do go without when we are stretched financially, which is often. We will defer purchases until the 'next paycheck' because we can't get everything we need at once. We triage requests often.

Okay I am in the minority because to me she sounds confused

 

[dogluva]

Your neice is 17-not seven. She should have a part time job and buy her own clothes. I haven't bought school clothes for my 17 year old daughter in about two years. I do buy her stuff but she shops for all her own clothes. If money is so tight, she should have a babysitting job or something.

 

[happygirl]

Your neice is 17-not seven. She should have a part time job and buy her own clothes. I haven't bought school clothes for my 17 year old daughter in about two years. I do buy her stuff but she shops for all her own clothes. If money is so tight, she should have a babysitting job or something.

I disagree, I would never expect my teen to buy there own clothes

 

[dogluva]

I disagree, I would never expect my teen to buy there own clothes

That's nice-I don't have a problem with it. Trust me, they get a lot from me! I also have six kids. There is nothing wrong with having your children (who are old enough) pay for things. My kids are not hard done by.

If the girl is wearing pants that don't fit, I think she might consider a way of making her own money somehow.

 

[Hannathy]

I disagree, I would never expect my teen to buy there own clothes

I agree if I had them I have a duty to clothe them. Now if they want ultra expensive jeans or a fad purse or something then they can work for it, but basic clothes and shoes should be my responsibility.

 

[dogluva]

I agree if I had them I have a duty to clothe them. Now if they want ultra expensive jeans or a fad purse or something then they can work for it, but basic clothes and shoes should be my responsibility.

You are right, I guess I should be more specific. I do buy basics-my kids (including a winter jacket) but I have limits. I know, though, if money was tight in my house, my kids would just buy what they needed themselves. Not the little ones, but my teens can afford to buy a new pair of pants.

I just don't get why the girl can't buy a few thingsherself with money she has earned if money is that bad.