Why is "tattling" bad?

[Darsa]

I was told I was tattling by my school counselor in the 10th grade, when I went to discuss why I had missed so very many days of school and explained it was because I was being bullied in class, and nothing was being done about it.

I ended up quitting school in the 10th grade. Didn't commit suicide (obviously) but boy, if my DD is EVER accused of tattling there better be irrefutable, undeniable evidence of it and an inexcuseable reason as to why this is a bad thing, before anything is said to her. And it STILL might not be said. I'd rather know then have her hold it in like I did at her age and for so many years.

 

[DawnCt1]

I was told I was tattling by my school counselor in the 10th grade, when I went to discuss why I had missed so very many days of school and explained it was because I was being bullied in class, and nothing was being done about it.

I ended up quitting school in the 10th grade. Didn't commit suicide (obviously) but boy, if my DD is EVER accused of tattling there better be irrefutable, undeniable evidence of it and an inexcuseable reason as to why this is a bad thing, before anything is said to her. And it STILL might not be said. I'd rather know then have her hold it in like I did at her age and for so many years.

You certainly were NOT tattling and the school counselor evidently reached her "peter principle" or level of incompetence. Being bullied is not a small thing, nor is it inconsequential. It is hurtful and adults that tolerate it, are as bad as the bulliers. That said, children need to be taught the difference so they do not become victims of bullying or end up bullying someone else.

 

[Erin1700]

To me, tattling is "Johnny and Billy are talking at quiet time!"

Telling is "Please help Mary, she is being picked on"

(I know you all dont agree, but I stand behind my childs decision to "tell" about the ice incident.

 

[Liberty Belle]

What's petty and inconsequential to one kid may be very hurtful to another.

Then that person can "*******"

 

[DizBelle]

I would also suggest that bullying is subjective. One kid may be able to tolerate a lot more than another. The same treatment could be bullying to one kid but not to another.

 

[luvsJack]

I would also suggest that bullying is subjective. One kid may be able to tolerate a lot more than another. The same treatment could be bullying to one kid but not to another.

This is probably true, but a real bully usually seems to know just which kids have a hard time taking it. They seem to know their victims weaknesses and prey on that. My ds was always small for his age and this made him less self confident. The boy that bullied him really played on that making ds feel worse and worse about himself. The bully just didn't count of ds deciding enough was enough and defending himself. He was little but decided he didn't have to back down.

 

[Aneille]

Why does it matter if you're trying to help someone or get someone in trouble? In both cases, someone did something they shouldn't have. Why shouldn't someone with authority to do something about it be notified?

So, Bobby ties Johnny to a tree in the woods next to the school playground. Seth knows that Bobby did this but doesn't like Bobby or Johnny. He has no interest in helping Johnny but would love to get Bobby in trouble. Since his motive would be to get Bobby in trouble, he shouldn't tell the teacher since it would be tattling.

Either way, Johnny is being tormented and tied to a tree.

Tying someone up to a tree is harmful and dangerous to Johnny. And you are correct the movitation of Seth will get the same results.

Johnny should be taught that when he gets out of that rope he needs to go "tell" on Bobby and it is not tattling.


Seth was an outsider. He should want to help Johnny but no one can make him. Seth has something to learn about being a kinder person and doing the right thing for the right reasons. And he can learn that by being taught that he should be "telling" in that situation to aid Johnny. He should not be "tattling" to get Bobby in trouble. Because "tattling" is wrong because the motivation is wrong. He should want to "tell" because someone is hurting someone else. When Seth see's someone being hurt he should "tell" someone because that is the right thing to do.

I am not sure if I am getting my point across correctly and I can't get typed out to my satisfaction.

But kids do need to learn about motivation and doing the right thing for the right reasons. It feels good to "tell" and to help someone, it doesn't feel as good to "tell" for the wrong reasons. And for kids its easier to use 2 different words for the motivation behind it.

 

[MushyMushy]

Do you have two or more kids at home?

If so, then you'll probably learn real quick the difference between tattling and informing.

 

[NotUrsula]

It feels good to "tell" and to help someone, it doesn't feel as good to "tell" for the wrong reasons.

While I agree on your distinction betweeen tattling and telling, I don't know if the above statement holds that true, especially for younger kids.
They tend to feel pretty darned good when someone they don't like gets in trouble.

 

[laurie31]

Do you have two or more kids at home?

If so, then you'll probably learn real quick the difference between tattling and informing.

I agree with the "tattling has the motive to get the other person in trouble" bit, so far as it goes.

I would put the water in the chair, ice in the pockets, in the catagory of telling, because it goes beyond a harmless joke. I can't think of anyone who would find it amusing to sit in water. By second grade, kids aren't bringing a change of clothes to school, so a parent would have to bring dry clothes. Not funny, not one little bit.

Tattling is about inconsequential stuff that a parent or teacher wouldn't do anything about even if they had stood right there and watched. Or maybe they might have said, "Please don't do that" but certainly not PUNISHED the child.

"Johnny's picking his nose." Yeah, gross, but not worthy of detention or anything.


Also, tattling is attention-seeking behavior. Sometimes the motive isn't to get someone else in trouble, the tattler is just seeking attention for herself.

 

[Aneille]

While I agree on your distinction betweeen tattling and telling, I don't know if the above statement holds that true, especially for younger kids.
They tend to feel pretty darned good when someone they don't like gets in trouble.

I agree with you in a sense. Children are self centered and do feel good when others get in trouble. But its our job as adults to teach them to think of others and have empathy and understanding. I also think that by the time a child is in Kinder they do have some sense of right and wrong, obviously some more than others.

On another note:
And in no way do I think little Johnny or Bobby should be tied up to a tree just because Seth couldn't tell for the right reasons. I just think we should be really trying to get children to understand the difference and want to tell for the right reasons. No one would know Seth told for the wrong reasons unless he spills the beans himself. So hopefully by praising him considerably for speaking up for Johnny, at the right time will make him feel good about himself. The next time he may want the praise that goes along with helping someone in trouble.

 

[luvmy3]

One of my kids is what I call a tattletale.. there is a time and place for tattling... I do NOT need to know every time your sister does this your brother does that.. work it out yourself sometimes! I can't always be around to fight your battles for you! Seriously I deal with this on a daily (muti-times a day!) sometimes kids do need to work it out them self. Murder is a whole other ball game than she knocked down my blocks

Yours is the only post I read in this thread and I could have written it.
While I don't want to hear that somebeody looked at somebody wrong, or said this, I would want to know about anything physical happening. At my kids school, just like any other, bullying is frowned upon and I find it acceptable for a student to tell on another student that they see causing any physical harm to someone else.

 

[DizBelle]

What happens when a child who takes everything to heart (this is my 6 yr old) and has no idea how to handle anything herself? Who is she going to tell as an adult.. call the cops every time someone calls her a name?

Uh, that's what parents are for. To teach their child what is and is not appropriate behavior. But if the child never tells of the bad behavior of another, how are you supposed to have those teaching/learning opportunities?

 

[PollyannaMom]

I tell the kids in my classes (and my own DS) that -

"Tattling just gets someone into trouble,
Telling gets someone out of worse trouble."


So, "Suzy used the pencil sharpener during Social Studies, and that's not allowed!" is tattling, because it just gets Suzy into trouble.

"Bobby tied Johnny to a tree!" is telling, because Bobby gets into trouble, but Johnny gets OUT of more dangerous trouble.

And the biggie I'm not sure anyone has posted yet - "I think my friend is doing drugs." is telling, because even though you get your friend in trouble, you get him/her out of worse trouble.

 

[HelenePA]

Uh, that's what parents are for. To teach their child what is and is not appropriate behavior. But if the child never tells of the bad behavior of another, how are you supposed to have those teaching/learning opportunities?

Yes, I'm teaching my kids what is appropriate behavior and also when its appropriate to let a grown up know some one did something wrong. I do not need to hear, he touched me, he did this he did that, she said hate, she said I dont like you.. THAT is tattling. Tattling does not get you points as my mom use to say... At what age will you allow your children to try to work it out some of this stuff out them self? 4? 5? 30?

 

[DizBelle]

I tell the kids in my classes (and my own DS) that -

"Tattling just gets someone into trouble,
Telling gets someone out of worse trouble."


So, "Suzy used the pencil sharpener during Social Studies, and that's not allowed!" is tattling, because it just gets Suzy into trouble.

"Bobby tied Johnny to a tree!" is telling, because Bobby gets into trouble, but Johnny gets OUT of more dangerous trouble.

And the biggie I'm not sure anyone has posted yet - "I think my friend is doing drugs." is telling, because even though you get your friend in trouble, you get him/her out of worse trouble.

Ok, so you can break the rules all you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else and you don't get caught.

Am I the only one to which this doesn't make sense?

 

[HelenePA]

Ok, so you can break the rules all you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else and you don't get caught.

Am I the only one to which this doesn't make sense?

As long as no one is hurt in my house yes... I really dont need to hear every little thing that happens. Work it out yourself when I didn't see it. Heck how do I even know if really happened? What if *gasp* someone lies to me... I know no one elses children on here would ever lie to their parents but mine have, mine will...

 

[DizBelle]

As long as no one is hurt in my house yes... I really dont need to hear every little thing that happens. Work it out yourself when I didn't see it. Heck how do I even know if really happened? What if *gasp* someone lies to me... I know no one elses children on here would ever lie to their parents but mine have, mine will...

Bobby: "Mom, Joe pinched me!"
Mom: "Joe, did you pinch Bobby?"
Joe: "No."
Mom: "Sorry Bobby, Joe said he didn't so he didn't."

How far does it have to go before you will get involved? Do they have to draw blood? Bobby is 4 and Joe is 8. Joe could really do some damage to Bobby but you've basically told Bobby that it doesn't matter what Joe does as long as he doesn't leave a mark. You've basically told Bobby that you don't care what Joe does to him. How, exactly, is a 4 year old supposed to "work it out" with an 8 year old when they he outweighs him by 25 lbs? Didn't you just give license to the 8 year old to abuse the 4 year old?

 

[mjkacmom]

I tell the kids in my classes (and my own DS) that -

"Tattling just gets someone into trouble,
Telling gets someone out of worse trouble."


So, "Suzy used the pencil sharpener during Social Studies, and that's not allowed!" is tattling, because it just gets Suzy into trouble.

"Bobby tied Johnny to a tree!" is telling, because Bobby gets into trouble, but Johnny gets OUT of more dangerous trouble.

And the biggie I'm not sure anyone has posted yet - "I think my friend is doing drugs." is telling, because even though you get your friend in trouble, you get him/her out of worse trouble.

I like this! When my kids tell on each other (if no one is hurting anyone), I tell them to solve it themselves. I don't want them to tell me that someone stole a cookie out of the cabinet without asking, someone called them a fart face, someone didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom (dd12 is the handwashing police!).

 

[HelenePA]

Bobby: "Mom, Joe pinched me!"
Mom: "Joe, did you pinch Bobby?"
Joe: "No."
Mom: "Sorry Bobby, Joe said he didn't so he didn't."

How far does it have to go before you will get involved? Do they have to draw blood? Bobby is 4 and Joe is 8. Joe could really do some damage to Bobby but you've basically told Bobby that it doesn't matter what Joe does as long as he doesn't leave a mark. You've basically told Bobby that you don't care what Joe does to him. How, exactly, is a 4 year old supposed to "work it out" with an 8 year old when they he outweighs him by 25 lbs? Didn't you just give license to the 8 year old to abuse the 4 year old?

Well see.. that is getting hurt.. I said I dont get involved unless someone is hurt.. Just curious how many kids do you have? I would do NOTHING but hand out punishments if I punished for every tattle I hear every day.. I pick and choose my battles.. I learned that early.. some stuff just isn't worth getting involved in... touching someone's hair, nope dont care, touching someone's toy... nope dont get involved unless other kid takes the toys other kid was playing with, knocking down blocks.. nope not getting involved, knocking down kid yep in the corner you go, telling me your sister/brother said a bad word (ie hate, stupid) tell kid who said it its not nice to say that word knock it off I hear them say it into the corner you go... not sharing (toys) nope not getting involved, not giving the other person a turn. yep I'll make kid give other kid a turn (ie wii, dsi) not playing a game the other wants them to play, nope not getting involved. I wish I could make my kids perfect but they aren't I dont claim they are, i'm not a perfect parent either. if you choose to do it differently good for you. it works well in our house how things are handled, no one has really hurt or maimed each other yet.