Why don't I feel any connection to my first grandchild?

[texaslassie]

My 27 year old son and his girlfriend just had a baby 3 months ago. I don't feel any connection with this child I'm 50 years old and just don't feel anything! What is wrong with me? I keep this to myself and even my husband doesn't know I feel this way. I love this baby really I do but I have no natural instincts to be a grandmother why? Help!

Feeling very down on myself
Signed me

 

[Handbag Lady]

My 27 year old son and his girlfriend just had a baby 3 months ago. I don't feel any connection with this child I'm 50 years old and just don't feel anything! What is wrong with me? I keep this to myself and even my husband doesn't know I feel this way. I love this baby really I do but I have no natural instincts to be a grandmother why? Help!

Feeling very down on myself
Signed me

Probably because you are too young to be a grandmother! I'm not a mom or a grandmother but that's what I think. It will click, though. My aunt really wasn't an "aunt" until we were old enough for make-up and fancy clothes and she kicked into high Aunty gear then.

 

[sonnyjane]

This is total conjecture, but my brother had a baby with his (now) ex-girlfriend. The baby is more than a year old and though my mom does get to see her every few weeks (the mom still lives in the same town), my brother is no longer with the mom and while he is somewhat involved (pays support and sees the baby on weekends), it's far from an ideal situation as far as what my mom's expectations where for her first grandchild (doting grandma spoiling her first granddaughter). She doesn't feel a "grandma" connection to the baby. I think that if my brother and the mom were married and they all lived together as a family unit, my mom would have different feelings. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but it's my guess as to why my mom doesn't feel that connection with hers.

 

[Pakey]

My first grandchild came when I was 50. Son and daughter in law were married so that had nothing to do with it.

It took me awhile to warm up to it. I think it was, like PP said, just such a shock to consider myself a grandmother. I now have 4 and love them to pieces. But I had to ease into the grandmother role. And it helps that they call me something other than Grandma!!!!

 

[MrsDuck]

No advice, just sending you s.

 

[sonnyjane]

I also wanted to come back and add that I think you'll get that feeling eventually as the child grows. I know a lot of MOTHERS AND FATHERS who didn't feel they had a "connection' at 3 months.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My Mother-in-law became a grandmother at about the same age. It took her a long time as well. I think the age plus still being many years from retirement were both factors.

 

[willowsnn3]

Probably because you are too young to be a grandmother! I'm not a mom or a grandmother but that's what I think. It will click, though. My aunt really wasn't an "aunt" until we were old enough for make-up and fancy clothes and she kicked into high Aunty gear then.

Too young????
Lol, I was 42 when my first grandchild was born. That was 20 years ago & he has lived in my heart from the first moment he was born.
Give it a little time and let those little smiles do their magic.

 

[ilovejack02]

My mom really loved my DS , but I think the connection didn't really kick in until she retired and had the extra time to spend with DS . At first it was a big deal to get her to baby sit just once a month or so , though when she did it she enjoyed it . Now she pouts if she doesn't seem have him every other weekend for a night lol. She is not tired from a long work week and thinking of all the stuff she needs to get done, which you can't get done with a baby in house before she went back to work on Monday . I think once he got older and not in the constant needy stage helped too .

Heck I had to ease into to becoming a Mom, it was not that instant bond , that is so flowery described in blogs,
books, magazines and celebrity interviews ; ) .

 

[smallblackstars]

My DD was born when my mum was 46 so I don't think the age thing matters as she just fell right into the role of 'Granny' and has been great with my DD. Do you see the baby often? Were you there at or soon after birth? My DD was an emergency section at 34 weeks and although they showed me her for a minute right after she was delivered, she was quickly whisked away to ICBU and my family got to touch her and spend time with her before I did as I was in recovery after having the epidural and I think my mum really got that first bond with her then. Is it maybe that you haven't had enough alone time with the baby to really get the peace to make that connection? I can't imagine how you are feeling as I got that 'bond' with my daughter the instant I set eyes on her but I am sure it will all fall into place for you, don't worry about it, I am sure you will be a great Grandma! The fact you are even asking this here shows how much this baby means to you.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My mother had 11 grandchildren and, for various reasons which I won't get into, didn't feel the same about all of them. She was 50 when the first THREE were born, within 6 days (one girl, then twin girls).

I was 54 when my first DGD was born; I babysit for her once a week or more, and she's the light of my life, from the moment she was born. This is also my DD's DD, so there was a bond throughout the pregnancy, even tho we were not overjoyed in the beginning and it took some time to get to that point.

So, whatever the circumstances are can affect how you feel. It's not just a matter of biology. BUT, I expect I'll always be the warm type of grandmother my mother was to my kids, vs my MIL, who always put herself first.

If I were you, OP, I'd just try not to put to much pressure on myself, but spend time with the baby whenever you can. Once the baby is more responsive to you, I think you'll warm up.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

My mom really loved my DS , but I think the connection didn't really kick in until she retired and had the extra time to spend with DS . At first it was a big deal to get her to baby sit just once a month or so , though when she did it she enjoyed it . Now she pouts if she doesn't seem have him every other weekend for a night lol. She is not tired from a long work week and thinking of all the stuff she needs to get done, which you can't get done with a baby in house before she went back to work on Monday . I think once he got older and not in the constant needy stage helped too .

Heck I had to ease into to becoming a Mom, it was not that instant bond , that is so flowery described in blogs,
books, magazines and celebrity interviews ; ) .

Yes, this. It was not an instaneously love for my 1st child (ds12.) There was definitely an easing-in period. And that was MY OWN child - not even a child of my child. I'm not a baby person. I don't go ga-ga over babies when I see them. Never have. I love my kids (it WAS instaneous love with my 2nd-dd8) but I don't get all gooey when friends/family have babies. I don't even care about holding other people's babies! Now, bring in a puppy, and that's a different story!

OP, I think you're feelings are totally normal and you'll likely eventually ease into feeling a grandmotherly attachment.

 

[dyna]

I can't say it's an age thing...1 of my aunts was grandma at 30 she a doting gma too. lol

My mom was babied out she really never enjoyed being grandma.

Mom was 40 when she became gmom

Myself I was late 40's I think I was as ready as I was gonna be. Actually pleased that my DD's did not make me gma sooner.

 

[Schmeck]

My 27 year old son and his girlfriend just had a baby 3 months ago. I don't feel any connection with this child I'm 50 years old and just don't feel anything! What is wrong with me? I keep this to myself and even my husband doesn't know I feel this way. I love this baby really I do but I have no natural instincts to be a grandmother why? Help!

Feeling very down on myself
Signed me

How's your relationship with the girlfriend? How is their relationship?

I'd have a hard time bonding with a girlfriend/baby situation, as I'm a traditionalist about those types of things. If you love someone enough to create a new life with him/her, why don't you love that person enough to legally commit to a life together raising that child? I'd be wondering how long that baby would be around, or if the relationship was going to last, etc. As much as I would want to bond/love that baby - who had nothing to do with the relationship - I'd be protecting myself a bit around the heart. I'd be hoping that the baby would be part of my family forever, but the lack of that commitment would make me question things.

 

[NHTikiBeckie]

How's your relationship with the girlfriend? How is their relationship?

I'd have a hard time bonding with a girlfriend/baby situation, as I'm a traditionalist about those types of things. If you love someone enough to create a new life with him/her, why don't you love that person enough to legally commit to a life together raising that child? I'd be wondering how long that baby would be around, or if the relationship was going to last, etc. As much as I would want to bond/love that baby - who had nothing to do with the relationship - I'd be protecting myself a bit around the heart. I'd be hoping that the baby would be part of my family forever, but the lack of that commitment would make me question things.

The baby could very easily have been a surprise, and getting pregnant is NOT reason alone to get married.

I hope you are able to feel a bond soon, OP...I am sure it will take time! Right now the baby is just a newborn, and let's face it, babies take several months to become interesting Wait till the baby starts smiling and laughing...I bet you will feel a bond faster than you think

 

[glammadiva]

I was blessed to become a grandmother for the first time @ 50. I don't have any suggestions. But I do know I am crazy about my grandkids, love them, spoil them and just adore them. Love finding my traits in each of them! Love taking them to Disney! I fell in love with each of them before they were even born.

 

[Stitchfans]

I also don't think it is an age thing. I was 54 when my grandson was born. I was there in the delivery room and of course saw him the second he was born. Instantly, I fell in love with him. There is a bond which will never be broken between us. Now, my grand daughter is another story. I love her with all my heart but do not feel as close to her. She just turned 1.

My grandson's father is not in the picture. He will not acknowledge the child. Grand daughter's is. He made sure to it that I did not and could never really bond with her. Saw to it that I did not witness her birth. At the time of her birth he was staying at my house (long story) when she was brought home he hid the bedroom with her, seldom coming out or bringing her out.

Shortly after he whisked my DD and grandchildren to another state to live by his father and sister since I did not have the funds to support him and they do. They of course see both children often. Me once in a while. DD has been leaving my grandson with me on and off for fairly long visits and my grand daughter stays with her other grandmother. (so there is no hard feelings???)

So you see, the reason for this long story, is many things can determine your feelings, relationship with your grandchildren, children, any family members. This may sound harsh, but I love both my grandchildren to pieces, but feel closer to my grandson and most likely it will always be that way. I would do anything for either of them, so I hope no one will try to accuse me of favoritism. I love them both equally.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

How's your relationship with the girlfriend? How is their relationship?

I'd have a hard time bonding with a girlfriend/baby situation, as I'm a traditionalist about those types of things. If you love someone enough to create a new life with him/her, why don't you love that person enough to legally commit to a life together raising that child? I'd be wondering how long that baby would be around, or if the relationship was going to last, etc. As much as I would want to bond/love that baby - who had nothing to do with the relationship - I'd be protecting myself a bit around the heart. I'd be hoping that the baby would be part of my family forever, but the lack of that commitment would make me question things.

Unfortunately I agree with the above post. My second son had lots of issues when he was born. I remember crying to my husband that I was afraid to love him as we were not sure he was going to make it. He is now 23 and all is well and I love him to death.

For me I would also be disappointed that they did not follow my definition of tradition with marriage and then children. I have 3 unmarried children in their twenties, two of whom are out of college and working. My preference is that they would find someone they love, get married, and then have children. I am enough of a realist to realize that things may not happen that way and I will do whatever I can to have a relationship with any grandchildren no matter what happens. There still would always be that worry. especially with two sons as moms tend to get custody, that it might be very difficult to be involved in the child's life if the mom moves away or remarries.

Good luck OP and I can understand why you might be afraid to fall too in love with this child.

 

[Robinrs]

I'm so sorry, I hope that changes before the child notices. My son has that kind of Grandmother and so did I and it affects your life. Don't lose out on this relationship.

And it's HARDLY the age, my Mom was 39 when she became a grandmother and she was thrilled, in fact MORE thrilled than being a mom!

 

[Dsnyfireman]

I had a similar issue with my first child. Was supper exited to be a dad the whole time dw was pregnant . After he was born kinda didn't feel like I thought I should, was wondering what was wrong with me. Then a friend of mine who is about 15 years older and has two boys of his own came up to me and just out of the blue said that sometimes it takes awhile to get that bond with kids. I had never told anyone that I felt this way, he just must have known or something! He said it takes until the kid starts having its own personality and things settle down a bit. Then you will love him more than life itself he said . He was right! First three months as new parents we were exhausted !!! No sleep , no idea what the hell we were doing! Lol! But he first time he smiled at me and fell asleep on me I the chair , man I was hooked! Give your self some time and let it come to you, it will! Good luck!