Why don't I feel any connection to my first grandchild?

[texaslassie]

Thanks to everyone for all your advice. My son's girlfriend is very, very, did I say very close to her mother. They're what you call joined at the hip. My son and his girlfriend moved in together and her mother ( used to live 15 miles from them) decided she needed to move right across the street! Her mother has been divorced a long time so I guess her daughter is her main focus.

My husband I were basically pushed out of the delivery room at the time of the birth. Her mother was pretty much ordering everybody around even the nurses! I'm not confrontational so I just let it be.

So I guess I feel like second choice maybe?? When it comes to being grandma. When I was around her mom I felt like I was being judged by her on how I was holding and interacting with this grand baby. I just feel like I'm totally left out and I guess I don't want to over expect. iDK

I wonder if other mothers of the sons feel this way? Her mom also insisted she breast feed. My son said girlfriend didn't want to but had to.

 

[kim929]

Do you think your afraid the parents might separate then you will have your heart broken if you don't get to see the baby?

 

[texaslassie]

I guess they could separate. I think with girlfriend's mother being so controlling and the age difference of the parents could make it so. My son is 29 his girlfriend is 20. I want to be in this baby's life more so I could bond. My son for all his life said he never wanted kids. This whole situation is just odd to me.

 

[Robbi]

Thanks to everyone for all your advice. My son's girlfriend is very, very, did I say very close to her mother. They're what you call joined at the hip. My son and his girlfriend moved in together and her mother ( used to live 15 miles from them) decided she needed to move right across the street! Her mother has been divorced a long time so I guess her daughter is her main focus.

My husband I were basically pushed out of the delivery room at the time of the birth. Her mother was pretty much ordering everybody around even the nurses! I'm not confrontational so I just let it be.

So I guess I feel like second choice maybe?? When it comes to being grandma. When I was around her mom I felt like I was being judged by her on how I was holding and interacting with this grand baby. I just feel like I'm totally left out and I guess I don't want to over expect. iDK

I wonder if other mothers of the sons feel this way? Her mom also insisted she breast feed. My son said girlfriend didn't want to but had to.

I'm sorry. Our daughter had our first grandbaby a few weeks ago. She and I are very close. When the other grandparents came to visit in the hospital, I got the feeling they felt like I was a "takeover" grandmother but I'm really not. I spent the first couple of weeks with them because my daughter had a c-section and needed my help. When I knew dad's family was coming for a visit, I would leave to give them space.

Could it be because you're the paternal grandmother? It isn't right but so many times that side gets shunted aside in favor of the maternal grandparents. My mom always tried to push her family ahead of my dad's parents in our lives. Dad was an only child. As hard as mom pushed though, in the end, my brothers and I were much closer to dad's parents.

Hopefully, you'll start to get the grandmotherly feeling soon.

 

[mom2rtk]

I actually am not shocked that you were pushed out of the delivery room. I don't think anyone has a right to be there but mom and dad. If the mother is modest and only wants her own mother there, then I totally understand. Especially if the girl is only 20.

Give it time. You haven't had much chance yet to establish a bond.

 

[ilovejack02]

I didn't allow my parents or inlaws in hospital room , I only wanted it to be DH and I . It didn't sit well with either group , but I can't imagine what would have happened had I let one in over the other .


My best friend gave birth three years later and her MIL was very pissed in the waiting room , as my Best friend only had her Mom and DH in . I finally told her that girl that the woman giving birth gets to choose who is in the room and there is nothing anyone can do about it , a girl needs her Mom at some point and giving birth is normally it . It calmed her down ( well maybe not calm ) but she got it . Guess who is the favorite Grandma now ? Her Dh's Mom , not the Maternal Grandma . Keep making an effort , walk softly and things will most likely come around. Good Luck !

 

[Colleen27]

I don't think it is an age thing, but it could be a personality thing. It took me time to bond with my own children so I won't be surprised if it also takes some time with my eventual grandchildren. I'm not a baby person in general, and I don't get that "love at first sight" thing that touching essays on motherhood always talk so much about.

But given what you've said, my first thought is that it is situational. Your son isn't married, his girlfriend is younger, the pregnancy was unplanned (?), your son has said he didn't want kids, and her parents are very involved. It is perfectly reasonable, even if on a subconscious level, to worry about getting attached to your grandchild only to have him yanked out of your life if something happens between your son and his girlfriend. I am not generally a traditionalist about family/marriage but I'd have a hard time relaxing and building a relationship under those circumstances as well.

Whatever the reason, I hope you're able to enjoy your grandchild more with each passing day!

 

[rigs32]

I know very few women that would be comfortable having their in-laws (or baby father's parents) seeing them naked from the waist down in the delivery room. Heck, I would say the majority of women wouldn't want their own father in the delivery room. That doesn't seem like a valid argument. Of COURSE you were second best during the delivery - your child was the supportive parent while SHE was giving birth. It's just the nature of things.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i'm sure it'll eventually come, and i'm also sure you're not the only one who's felt that way, so don't beat yourself up over it too much. the baby is still little, once it's older and walking and talking i bet you'll start feeling different.

i feel like for my mother it's the opposite. my sister is older than i am, so she has an 18 year old daughter and a 10 year old son and i JUST had my DS 4 months ago and to me it sort of feels like the novelty has worn off for my mother(my father is a different story, he loves my son to pieces). it's very different from when my sister had children and i can't figure out why but i try not to dig too deep and i'm sure she loves him just as much.

 

[low-key]

come on now, you got to show your 3 month old kids/grand-kids all the love they can handle. Im sure it will come, but until then fake it

 

[texaslassie]

I value all honest opinions especially from a great bunch of people! I'll do my best and then some. This is my grand baby, my blood, and by God I want to see and hear those first smiles and giggles!

The next time I see this babe I'm going to hold baby close to my heart and let the magic begin

 

[glammadiva]

I value all honest opinions especially from a great bunch of people! I'll do my best and then some. This is my grand baby, my blood, and by God I want to see and hear those first smiles and giggles!

The next time I see this babe I'm going to hold baby close to my heart and let the magic begin

Ah! I do believe the magic has begun!! Enjoy Grandma! There is no other ride in life like it!!

 

[luvsJack]

OP, maybe you can offer to baby sit for them to have a night out. Have some time alone with the baby to hold and feed and cuddle and most of all bond.

I didn't bond as quickly with my oldest dgd. I love her, but just kept feeling not as close as I thought I should. The situation was similar to yours and ds and gf actually lived with her mom. Once I had some time alone with the baby it all changed.

Some grandmas seems to have the same connection with a grandchild that they do with their own babies while they are infants and some don't.

My mil is a wonderful grandmother but she seems on the don't side. When her grandbabies visit, she doesn't sit around holding the baby (huge family so there is always a baby around lol) but as they get older its very obvious that she loves them and they love her.

Don't expect yourself to be the stereotypical grandmother that makes the grandchild her whole world. Just be the best kind of grandmother that is right for you. And don't worry so much, just the fact that you are shows that you love this baby and want to do your best by him/her.

 

[Tinkerbell53]

OP - I really hope you can find a way to bond with your grandchild. My BFF became a grandma 2 years ago at the age of 40. She was feeling like she was too young to be a grandma and she and her daughter have issues going way back, and both of these things seemed to really affect her ability to bond with him. She loves him and buys him stuff but doesn't really want to spend time with him.

I am pretty much his grandma now. I babysat for him the first time when he was 1 month old and I was in love. He has a bed, highchair, toys, etc. at my house and comes here often. I have had both of his birthday parties at my house. My youngest is 16 and oldest is 21 so grandkids are probably far off for me but BFF's grandson is kinda like my first grandchild.

I am so sad for my BFF because she should be enjoying him like I am. He asks to come to my house and not hers and prefers me over her when we are together. I baby sit for him and take him places and she doesn't. I feel that eventually she is going to come to regret not being close to him and it breaks my heart for all 3 of them.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks to everyone for all your advice. My son's girlfriend is very, very, did I say very close to her mother. They're what you call joined at the hip. My son and his girlfriend moved in together and her mother ( used to live 15 miles from them) decided she needed to move right across the street! Her mother has been divorced a long time so I guess her daughter is her main focus.

My husband I were basically pushed out of the delivery room at the time of the birth. Her mother was pretty much ordering everybody around even the nurses! I'm not confrontational so I just let it be.

So I guess I feel like second choice maybe?? When it comes to being grandma. When I was around her mom I felt like I was being judged by her on how I was holding and interacting with this grand baby. I just feel like I'm totally left out and I guess I don't want to over expect. iDK

I wonder if other mothers of the sons feel this way? Her mom also insisted she breast feed. My son said girlfriend didn't want to but had to.

I think this information makes your feelings valid. I am not suggesting that you should build a protective wall around your heart, but I bet you have instinctivly started to do so. Your DDIl has a very strong bod with her mother, to the point that she is not in charge of her own body, so it is not beyond belief that the mother will also try to create tension in order to keep you from the baby. I think that you could do what you said in a later post, just be yourself, hold and love the baby, and let nature take it's course. All of those feelings that people insist are instantaneous are not, they take time to grow and develop, and if you were not allowed to bond before this baby came, you are just starting that process. I also think that your decision to go slowly in order not to cause tension is a good one. My DH has a cousin whose adult son just had a baby. She just had a pretty personal discussion with teh GF, and it did not go well, to the point that the GF told her that the DS could stay or go with Mom, she did not care at that point. The son had moved out of State to follow the GF who had moved to live with her Mom. I think the prospect of the baby was frightening, and she gravitated to her mother for assurance. I bet your DDIl did the same thing, and needs time to gain confidence, and to figure out how to be a family with your son. BEst wishes! and congratulations on your first grandchild!

 

[auntie]

Too young????
Lol, I was 42 when my first grandchild was born. That was 20 years ago & he has lived in my heart from the first moment he was born.
Give it a little time and let those little smiles do their magic.

I don't think 50 is too young to be a grandma either. My mom was 39 and dad 40 when my older son was born. Granted, they were young. (they had eloped at age 15 and 16 so they had an early start on things). That being said, they were beyond THRILLED to be grandparents and enjoyed being young enough to really enjoy their first grandchild.
I'm 55 myself and would love to welcome a grandchild into the family. Still waiting on careers and college though.
The "grandma" thing doesn't bother me in the least. You can't turn the clock back, so I figure you may as well enjoy it. I plan to spoil rotten and GIVE THEM BACK!, lol!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My 27 year old son and his girlfriend just had a baby 3 months ago. I don't feel any connection with this child I'm 50 years old and just don't feel anything! What is wrong with me? I keep this to myself and even my husband doesn't know I feel this way. I love this baby really I do but I have no natural instincts to be a grandmother why? Help!

Feeling very down on myself
Signed me

I always think it has to do with the connection you have with your child/couple.

As I read further into this thread you indeed are having "connection issues" with the parents due to the mom of the GF.

So, my suggestion to you is to just allow things to happen naturally. Invite them over for dinners, outings, etc. and begin to build your own foundation with them.

Holidays are the tricky parts. So be proactive and host a "holiday party" with them but NOT on the actual holiday. Think about traditions you want to do with them as a family.

You could say, hey I want to get a pic of us and the baby with Santa at the mall, stuff like that.

In other words do things in your own personal way to make your connections.

Congratulations grandma!

I am 48 and my dh has a dd from a previous relationship that we never even KNEW about until 6yrs ago. We became instant grandparents. The oldest is turning 8, then next is 6, and then we have 4.

He was just turning 40 when he found out.

 

[njmom47]

I became "Grammy" at age 50 so I don't think age matters. My dd was only 18. That was a bit shocking.
What kind of expectations do you have for yourself as a Grandma? Do you know what you're "supposed" to do as a Grandma? What exactly do Grandmas do?
I think those answers are easy: love and be there for your child and grandchild, for whatever they may need. And from there, just let things flow.
Honestly, there is no feeling like being a Grandma. I hope you get to that point.

I do think that being the paternal Grandma may also have something to do with the situation...girls are usually closer with their moms. Maybe your ds isn't exactly sure how to help you become the Grandma you want to become.
You also just need to find your grandparenting style. I'm the one who sits and rocks and reads books and takes her for walks in the wagon and to the park. The other grandma is the one who takes her places like Chuck E Cheese or to the mall or pumpkin picking. We just have different styles is all.

 

[sasywtch]

Thanks to everyone for all your advice. My son's girlfriend is very, very, did I say very close to her mother. They're what you call joined at the hip. My son and his girlfriend moved in together and her mother ( used to live 15 miles from them) decided she needed to move right across the street! Her mother has been divorced a long time so I guess her daughter is her main focus.

My husband I were basically pushed out of the delivery room at the time of the birth. Her mother was pretty much ordering everybody around even the nurses! I'm not confrontational so I just let it be.

So I guess I feel like second choice maybe?? When it comes to being grandma. When I was around her mom I felt like I was being judged by her on how I was holding and interacting with this grand baby. I just feel like I'm totally left out and I guess I don't want to over expect. iDK

I wonder if other mothers of the sons feel this way? Her mom also insisted she breast feed. My son said girlfriend didn't want to but had to.

I don't think it's the grandchild bond, it's the family dynamics.
I have 2 grandkids, another on the way. Same son. Waiting for my daughters but so far, they aren't interesting in having kids yet. I had some problems with my daughter in law for a few years. Misunderstandings, her perceptions of me from the way she was raised but I think it's all worked out now. Example: I'd go babysit and do the dishes. I did them because I was bored and because I had 4 kids and remember working full time and would have loved for someone to help out. She took it as I thought she was not doing her job at home. I think I finally told her and explained that I had 4 kids and knew how rough it was. Now when I go to babysit, I get a "you can do the dishes if you want" LOL

In a twist, her mother is the one who always feels left out. However, the kids have baseball games a few blocks from her house, she shows up for one inning and then leaves???? I drive 20 miles and stay the whole game. The kids will notice later on.

My suggestion to you is to just put in the time when the baby is little and they will notice when they get older. Express your desire to babysit once a month. You do not need to compete with the other grandma. If both of them are working, offer one night to bring over pizza and spend an hour with the baby.

When the child gets older, arrange a Saturday for a movie day. If they are in activities, go to the activity and stay the entire time. They notice. My grandkids ask for my cupcakes whenever I come over. You will bond. It just takes some time when it's a situation such as yours. My situation is completely opposite where her mother feels left out but most of it, she could fix but doesn't. All you can do, is try.

 

[Robinrs]

I value all honest opinions especially from a great bunch of people! I'll do my best and then some. This is my grand baby, my blood, and by God I want to see and hear those first smiles and giggles!

The next time I see this babe I'm going to hold baby close to my heart and let the magic begin

Soooo glad to hear this!! Enjoy this time it goes by sooo fast!!