Why does my MIL do the strange things that she does?

[katesorad]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt.

I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

 

[kwelch10377]

I don't think they are overly strange.

#1 There are lots of people who like to push their beliefs on other people if they don't agree with your beliefs

#2 Maybe she though you didn't want to have to worry about carrying it home. Why didn't you just say that she couldn't have it for lunch since you were going to bring it home for you

#3 Maybe she thought is was salty and wanted to let you know. The broth you used may have been salty. A litte rude to critize your cooking maybe, but not strange

Some people just don't have any couth.

 

[badblackpug]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner. I think this is rude, in general, when people do this, but in many religions proselytizing is part of their religious beliefs/teachings. I would toss the book and ignore it.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day. I don't know how I feel about this. If she is having a large family dinner, and everyone else eats meat, then making you a special meal doesn't seem fair. If she is inviting just you and your husband, then I would think that she would at least make the effort. If the meal you brought was just for you, and you weren't expected to share it with the rest of the table, then, no she shouldn't keep it. If it was something that was brought that was meant to share, then that is something different. When she put it away, I would say to her "No I'm sorry, that is my lunch for tomorrow." or I would bring an amount I know I will finish.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt. Just rude. When someone does something nice for you, or gives you a gift, you say thank you and graciously accept it. You don't criticize. My mother does this and it drives me crazy. She critiques everything. It makes me feel like crap.


I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

I don't think these things are bizarre, they are just rude, and somewhat passive-aggressive. I think mostly she does it to get a rise out of you so I wouldn't feed into it.

 

[mamacatnv]

Oh dear......well, your MIL is just trying to mold you into the wife she imagined in her mind for her DS. She hasn't learned to accept you for who you are. She may never, but hey most of this is just annoying.
Ignore and do not engage on the beliefs, that one IMO is not one you will ever solve or win.

Learn to eat before you go to her house

Ask her to help you make a broth or a meal or a certain dish. You may be a superior cook, a superior house cleaner or whatever but she is feeling the need to help you take as good of care of her son as she did/does. BTW I bet she has no idea how obnoxious her behavior really is.

My FIL is the one who annoys me and I have been married to his son now for 23 years! I still quake at the thought of him coming to visit because he is so flippin rude. He loves me, thinks I'm the best daughter in law in the world but he has never learned where the boundaries are.

He has been known to say things like:

Thought you had a housekeeper?

Or once when they were visiting and I had spent weeks cleaning, etc. My house was the most amazing showpiece for at least 100 miles. I came home from work to be informed by my inlaws that they had cleaned my fridge.......

Last visit it was stuff like:
Where is the nearest store, I need some bar soap (because the 16 other kinds of soap in the shower would not do)
Nor would my brand of peanut butter
or my lack of daily newspaper delivery
or my brand of butter
or the meals I cook
or the time I go to bed
or the temperature of my house or car
or
or or
etc
etc
etc.........
I am sooooo glad they live in FL!

 

[Imzadi]

A little strange.

The next time she emails you a criticism, just reply back, "Thank you for sharing," send it, and let it go. It's a 12-Step group process saying. Kind of a catch-all acknowledgment for the gamut of what a person might say to you.

Next time, make up an individual serving of your whole meal on a paper plate. Only put on as much as you know you will eat. When you are done, toss the plate in the garbage.

 

[Pumbaa_]

based on the photo of you and your hubby can I guess MIL is irish catholic?

if so, your beliefs must be so foreign to her!

not saying she is right mind you

good luck with this one. I think the key is to not take it personally. I am sure it hurts when she does this, but the key is - it is kinda funny

As long as your DH supports you and is in sync with you, then life is good.

Now you just have to start turning her reaction into a game

before you go over, make a bet as to what she will pull. If you bring food, will she keep or let you take. whatever gets you through the visit

on the plus side, she did bring her dh into this world for you to find. That has to count for something right?? maybe? lol

good luck!

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

#1 - Annoying, but I guess since she sees you as family and the possible future mother of her grandchildren, it kind of makes sense that she's concerned for your 'immortal soul'.

#2 - A bit strange. I agree with others that it might be a better option to bring a single serving in the future

#3 - A bit rude, but maybe she thought that since you're a vegetarian you wouldn't have taste-tested the chicken soup and therefore you might want to adjust the recipe next time you make it?

 

[Jennasis]

Your MIL is an uncouth witch. Time to have your DH have a talk with her. He needs to put an end to her religious zealotry with you. The other stuff? All I can suggest is to bring over enough food for just you.

 

[sparks19]

yeah passive aggressive was the first word that came to my mind.

if it bothers you enough I would talk to your hubby and ask him to talk to her about it because if you do it's just going to make it worse as she's not going to take anything you say seriously.

My MIL is pretty good but sometimes she says or does something that really rubs me the wrong way so hubby brings it up with her later and just tells her that sometimes she can just be overbearing and bossy lol. but I know she doesn't mean to do it it's just part of who she is... she just needs to be gently reminded sometimes to dial it down just a bit lol

IF she really persists in saying things that hurt your feelings I would gently say in the moment "that really hurt my feelings". don't be accusatory (that will just make her defensive) but just say that that comment really hurt your feelings and see what her response is. it's worth a shot

 

[MIGrandma]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt.

I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

I don't think any of these things are really bizarre, just kind of pushy and rude. About the book, if it were me I'd give it back to her, with a smile, and tell her I have my own religious beliefs.

The vegeterian meal you brought and only ate half of, when she took it to put in the refrigerator and announced she would be eating it the next day you should have made sure you grabbed it before you went home. She asked you to bring your own food, she didn't have the right to keep the leftovers. Personally, she should make a dish that you would eat. Pretty rude to ask you over to eat, then tell you to make/bring your own food.

The chicken noodle soup? She should have kept her mouth shut.

I'm a mother-in-law myself and it's really best to just keep my mouth shut most of the time. DS knows I don't tolerate gluten very well, so he made bean soup the other day, with no flour or anything that had gluten. I hate bean soup. But I ate a bowl of it, just because he made it special so I could eat it. And I told him it was good, which it probably was, for bean soup. But I just don't care for it. But no way was I going to tell him that when he made it special for me. Sometimes it's just best to suck it up and deal with things you don't like, rather than hurt someone else's feelings.

Sorry you have to deal with an insensitive MIL.

 

[kirstenb1]

She's being mean. If you guys were kids, I'd tell you to turn her in for bullying!

 

[sparks19]

It also seems that maybe she's threatened by you (which seems to be pretty normal for mothers with sons lol) maybe she's trying to solidify that she's the top mom around these parts

There was one time my MIL asked me if I would fly down to visit with my DD. I told her Iw ould love to but I can't... I'm afraid of flying and I just can't bring myself to do it. especially not with a 3 year old.

I know that upset her... she misses her granddaughter and I understand that but I can't help it. She didnt' really say anything to me at the time other than the usual responses I get about being able to fly "more likely to get in a car accident etcetc"

but then she didn't talk to me for a couple of days (we normally talk on the phone everyday). Then she called hubby to tell him that she was worried for my soul because she felt I didn't have a personal relationship with God (which I do). her reasoning was that if I did have a good relationship with God then I wouldn't be afraid of flying.

My hubby came back and told me that and I told him what had spurred this sudden worry for my soul and that she hadn't talked to me for a couple of days.

he called her the next day and just flat out asked her "are you mad at my wife? you know she's upset that you haven't talked to her since she told you she's afraid to fly. she feels like she's upset you with something she can't control. Iknow you have your feelings but you are being selfish and need to take her feelings into consideration too"

At that point MIL realized how unreasonable she was being and she was over the initial hurt from my refusal to fly to visit and she called me right away to apologize. sometimes a gentle reminder that others have feelings too goes a long way

sometimes they just need to be reminded that they

 

[belle&beast]

I have a difficult MIL, too, so what you have described seems to be par for the course in my life. DH and I have just learned to ignore what bothers us and laugh about it. We have been married for 11+ years and have 3 kids. We had the first grandchld and she had an opinion about everything we did with her. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I very politely said, "I know you think we are making mistakes with XXXX. But we are not doing anything that would hurt her, and you have to let us learn to be parents." Since I stood up to her very respectfully and calmly, she has backed off quite a bit. She is still very opinionated and loud- that's just her personality, but she does treat us like adults and she has actually complimented our parenting, even going as far as to say our children are the best behaved of her 7 grandchildren! (She still says things she shouldn't...)

I had always pictured my MIL to be my friend and like a second mother- that is what I had seen my whole life with my parents and grandparents, but it just is not going to happen for me. She loves me, I know that. She loves our children, she shows that. But she is just not the warm fuzzy person I had always pictured in my life, and that's ok. She did something right- my DH is a wonderful person and she has a lot to do with that, so I tolerate her irritating and rude comments. You look younger than I am from your picture, and it took me a long time to get to this point, but I am much happier now that I have learned to accept her for who she is. Don't get me wrong, sometimes she drives me crazy, but it doesn't eat at me like it used to. Good luck!!!!

 

[My sister's princess]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt.

I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

Wonder what MIL is posting about you on some message board....


-My poor DIL, I keep trying to save her soul. I try to not bee too push, just slip her a book in case she ever wants to know about Jesus, and doesn't want to ask...

- DIL is the only vegetarian in the family, yet makes a big deal when I don't cook something that is meat free. I asked her to bring her own food to the last meal. It looked tasty I am going to have to try her left overs!

- Sweet girl made me soup. I know it must have been hard where she is a vegetarian. I just sent her an email letting her know that is was a bit salty, so next time she makes it for my DS it will be perfect.



Not saying you are in the wrong in anyway here OP, but it just sounds like regular MIL stuff

 

[Allison]

passive aggressive

 

[ilovejack02]

Wonder what MIL is posting about you on some message board....


-My poor DIL, I keep trying to save her soul. I try to not bee too push, just slip her a book in case she ever wants to know about Jesus, and doesn't want to ask...

- DIL is the only vegetarian in the family, yet makes a big deal when I don't cook something that is meat free. I asked her to bring her own food to the last meal. It looked tasty I am going to have to try her left overs!

- Sweet girl made me soup. I know it must have been hard where she is a vegetarian. I just sent her an email letting her know that is was a bit salty, so next time she makes it for my DS it will be perfect.



Not saying you are in the wrong in anyway here OP, but it just sounds like regular MIL stuff

Most of us will never understand our MILs , just like they don't understand us . Nothing new here. Learn to roll with it , quietly laugh to yourself, and say you will never act like that when your kids get married . ; )

Years from now , our Dil's will talk about us and so on and so on , it never ends lol.

I adore my MIL, but Lord there are things that she does that make me roll my eyes on a weekly basis, I just thank my lucky stars she isn't some insane crazy witch . I imagine she feels the same about me too lol.

 

[powellrj]

Wonder what MIL is posting about you on some message board....


-My poor DIL, I keep trying to save her soul. I try to not bee too push, just slip her a book in case she ever wants to know about Jesus, and doesn't want to ask...

- DIL is the only vegetarian in the family, yet makes a big deal when I don't cook something that is meat free. I asked her to bring her own food to the last meal. It looked tasty I am going to have to try her left overs!

- Sweet girl made me soup. I know it must have been hard where she is a vegetarian. I just sent her an email letting her know that is was a bit salty, so next time she makes it for my DS it will be perfect.



Not saying you are in the wrong in anyway here OP, but it just sounds like regular MIL stuff

Thats what I always think of when I read posts like this. There are always 2 sides to every story. I know at times my kids think I am strange and when they tell it back to me the way they see it, it is odd, but it wasn't how I meant it to appear at all.

 

[Normangirls]

Some of you may enjoy (or really need!) this website:

www.motherinlawstories.com

Funny, sad, and helpful at the same time.

 

[Magpie]

Sounds like my mom! (Especially the chicken soup thing!)

I'd just shrug it off and laugh. She is who she is. She's not doing anything particularly horrible, especially if she belongs to the kind of religion that demands she try to save you (and all she did was sneak a book into your bag? Not bad!).

And hey - clearly she enjoys your vegetarian cooking!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'd ignore all this stuff if I were you. Life is much better without strained in-law relationships. The things she's doing are pretty petty in the grand scheme of life.

She just wants to irk you a bit--don't give her the satisfaction.