Why does my MIL do the strange things that she does?

[luvmy3]

I would be super annoyed if my MIL put that book into my bag, and I would love to tell her where she can put that stuff next time (of course I wouldn't really but I'd be daydreaming about doing it)
I can't believe she makes you bring your own food when she invites you to dinner. I can see her not wanting to do a full vegetarian meal, but to not even have something for you is just downright rude. I would just decline her dinner invites.
The chicken soup thing doesn't really show up on my radar so that wouldn't bug me too much, but the other two things would.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

passive aggreesive with a dose of bad manners!

 

[Schminston-Mo]

Maybe next time you can slip a vegetarian cookbook into her bag!

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Maybe next time you can slip a vegetarian cookbook into her bag!

I love this idea.

 

[S. C.]

Wonder what MIL is posting about you on some message board....


-My poor DIL, I keep trying to save her soul. I try to not bee too push, just slip her a book in case she ever wants to know about Jesus, and doesn't want to ask...

- DIL is the only vegetarian in the family, yet makes a big deal when I don't cook something that is meat free. I asked her to bring her own food to the last meal. It looked tasty I am going to have to try her left overs!

- Sweet girl made me soup. I know it must have been hard where she is a vegetarian. I just sent her an email letting her know that is was a bit salty, so next time she makes it for my DS it will be perfect.



Not saying you are in the wrong in anyway here OP, but it just sounds like regular MIL stuff

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

I find this unacceptable and highly offensive. It would infuriate me and I would not be over to see her again until she agreed to sit down with you and your DH for a long talk about boundaries.

What does your husband say about this?

To be honest with you, she sounds like a mean person that doesn't really like you. If I were your husband, I would be mortified at how she is treating you.

I am surprised at all of the people who would just accept this behavior and chalk it up to "Oh well. That is how MILs act".

No they don't. And if they do act this way, they should be informed to STOP.

 

[Minnie_me]

MILs are really clueless sometimes, and sometimes they are consciously being passive-aggressive.

My MIL was a little bit of both. One of her moves that left me shaking my head was when she told us she was going to take us ALL on vacation for a week. This meant my DH and our two kids, his brother and 3 kids. She tossed around some destination ideas: Disney, Georgia, Myrtle Beach.......

Then one day, she called with the news that she had booked the place! It was a cottage on a lake, and we had it for a whole week! I was so excited -- I asked her what lake??? The answer will puzzle me for the rest of my life. It was LAKE ONTARIO. Why is that so bad? Because WE LIVED ON LAKE ONTARIO AT THE TIME!!!!! My house was half a block from the lake. The cottage she rented was 12 minutes from my house.

 

[katesorad]

Thanks for your responses everyone!

Someone asked me if my MIL was Irish-Catholic.. and she's not, she's just a very pushy Christian woman. My own mother actually IS Irish-Catholic but she's incredibly understanding and actually rather liberal for being Catholic. In fact, she is the one who pushed me to take my own steps in my spiritual journey.

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

And I'm sure some are wondering how I cooked the chicken soup -- I had DH there with me and he taste tested it the entire time.. he said it was the best chicken soup he's ever had, which he also told MIL when we stopped by with the soup!

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong."

Good luck with that

 

[sparks19]

Thanks for your responses everyone!

Someone asked me if my MIL was Irish-Catholic.. and she's not, she's just a very pushy Christian woman. My own mother actually IS Irish-Catholic but she's incredibly understanding and actually rather liberal for being Catholic. In fact, she is the one who pushed me to take my own steps in my spiritual journey.

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

And I'm sure some are wondering how I cooked the chicken soup -- I had DH there with me and he taste tested it the entire time.. he said it was the best chicken soup he's ever had, which he also told MIL when we stopped by with the soup!

I'm sorry

since it seems you have to handle it yourself ... I would suggest just saying "That really hurt my feelings" the next time she does something like that.

Like if she puts a book like that in your bag again.. take it out and catch her when she's not around everyone and ask her "did you put this in my bag" when she says yes tell her that it really hurts your feelings that she won't just accept you for who you are or when she calls to tell you your soup wasn't good when you made it out of the kindness of your heart tell her that you are sorry she didn't like it and you won't make it for her again but to call and tell you it was bad when you were just trying to be nice is really hurtful to your feelings.

don't be antagonistic about it or accusing but just be honest and show in the tone of your voice that you are hurt. She might stop if she has to be accountable for her actions every time.

good luck. this isn't an easy position for you to be in.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Thanks for your responses everyone!

Someone asked me if my MIL was Irish-Catholic.. and she's not, she's just a very pushy Christian woman. My own mother actually IS Irish-Catholic but she's incredibly understanding and actually rather liberal for being Catholic. In fact, she is the one who pushed me to take my own steps in my spiritual journey.

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

And I'm sure some are wondering how I cooked the chicken soup -- I had DH there with me and he taste tested it the entire time.. he said it was the best chicken soup he's ever had, which he also told MIL when we stopped by with the soup!

Oops!! Sounds like MIL feels a bit threatened.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Thanks for your responses everyone!

Someone asked me if my MIL was Irish-Catholic.. and she's not, she's just a very pushy Christian woman. My own mother actually IS Irish-Catholic but she's incredibly understanding and actually rather liberal for being Catholic. In fact, she is the one who pushed me to take my own steps in my spiritual journey.

My DH just says "That's just my mom.. She did nothing wrong." Now, I understand that he thinks this way. If it was my mom, I'd be defending her too. These things that she did can be considered petty I guess, but they still hurt me.. and I guess DH just doesn't really realize it. He thinks it's silly for me to get wrapped up in it. And it probably is.

And I'm sure some are wondering how I cooked the chicken soup -- I had DH there with me and he taste tested it the entire time.. he said it was the best chicken soup he's ever had, which he also told MIL when we stopped by with the soup!

Oops!! Sounds like MIL feels a bit threatened.

 

[shortbun]

Feel free to come here to rant or vent. She likes to push your buttons. Hide your buttons and don't react if she finds one. I just launched a major rant about my MIL at my husband last night. I don't share much close personal stuff here but she really had me going. It's always about her-if someone else is dying, it's about her.

 

[hereyago]

My MIL drives me nuts. She does some very questionable things.. and I'm just curious if these things that she does are common/normal? Now, my family isn't "normal" by any means, but my MIL's actions really just baffle me. Here are some of the things she's done within the last few months:

- Despite knowing that I have my own beliefs, she sneaked a book about why I'm going to hell because of my beliefs, into my bag before I left her home after a family dinner.

- She invites us over to dinner, and after telling us what we'll be having, asks me to bring my own food, because it's too much of a hassle to either meet us at a restaurant or make something vegetarian friendly. Then, she will keep whatever meal I bring for myself, for her lunch the next day. Last year, I brought over an order of Pick Up Stix tofu and broccoli and only ate 1/2 of it, and put the other half near my bag to bring home.. she then put it in the fridge and told me she'd be eating it the next day.

- I made her chicken noodle soup once when she wasn't feeling well, and that night, she proceeded to e-mail me and tell me that it was too salty for her liking, and that she had to water it down. That's fine.. but why tell me about it? Especially when I didn't add any salt.

I don't get it.. am I overreacting to normal situations, or are these things really as bizarre as I find them to be?

You need to set some boundaries. Your DH is used to her antics and I am sure by now he is "programmed " not to rock that boat. I wouldn't be making her any more food, let your DH do it.

The book sneaking thing: You nip that in the bud, don't worry about telling her how hurt you feel, she doesn't care. She may act like it then do a "its still about her drama scene.

Next time about asking you over and she pulls the bring your own food, just tell her ya'll aren't coming as in you and DH, asking someone over for dinner is not having them bring their own food. and the food snatch thing, she did it because you let her, you didn't say anything like Um I bought that food, I will be taking that food with me!

 

[postage stamp]

I have a very religious, pushy, sometimes obtuse MIL myself. Here are my rules for survival:

Set boundaries. Explain what is and is not acceptable. It's OK if there are topics you don't discuss like religion or politics. It's OK if you don't believe the same things. But you need to come to a consensus on where these boundaries are and stick to them. (Like not sticking religious materials into your personal belongings when you are not looking. My MIL sent my dying mother leaflets on how to make peace with God before her final journey. It wasn't pretty)

Find something in common. I know it may be difficult, but search. There will be SOMETHING. My MIL and I, as different as we are, have very similar taste in movies and love museums of all types. We've made a point to enjoy these things together, to talk about these things, and to focus on them rather than the things we'll never agree about.

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! Decide what you can and cannot live with. People are always going to do things that annoy you. Let go of what annoys you and if something needs to be dealt with deal with the things that HURT you.

 

[tlbwriter]

I don't think ANY of this is "normal MIL stuff." It's all horribly pushy and rude. But you have an even bigger potential problem in your husband... he's obviously been raised to think such pushy behavior is normal, and so he's going to expect you to accept it.

 

[ilovejack02]

To be honest with you, she sounds like a mean person that doesn't really like you. If I were your husband, I would be mortified at how she is treating you.

I am surprised at all of the people who would just accept this behavior and chalk it up to "Oh well. That is how MILs act".

No they don't. And if they do act this way, they should be informed to STOP.

You got that she doesn't like the OP from just those few little SILLY things.

There are times to fight and there are times to not sweat small stuff. This is one of them. Those of us, who say to just let this go, have been there and done that, and I also imagine married for years . We have lived and learned and know we will also be in that MILs shoes one day. ONe day I bet the OP will realize this too, she is still young, as I was when I was first married. Looking back now, the things that I would get furious about , aren't even a blip on my radar now.

If these little things like this set you off, I bet you are a peach to get along with in real life .

OP if she continues to be horribly pushy about religion then sit down and have a talk with her , but slipping a book in your book bag , just throw it away or give it back to her and let her know she lost something. Heck, I would be happy if my Mom just slipped things in my purse , instead of constantly wanting to discuss religion face to face. lol.

Let DH make her food from now on and if she wants you to bring your own food , either eat before or tell decline invitations

Good luck op , ive read some horror stories on the DIS and have friends that live it on a daily basis and be glad your MIL isn't that kind of crazy . : )

 

[postage stamp]

You got that she doesn't like the OP from just those few little SILLY things.

There are times to fight and there are times to not sweat small stuff. This is one of them. Those of us, who say to just let this go, have been there and done that, and I also imagine married for years . We have lived and learned and know we will also be in that MILs shoes one day. ONe day I bet the OP will realize this too, she is still young, as I was when I was first married. Looking back now, the things that I would get furious about , aren't even a blip on my radar now.

If these little things like this set you off, I bet you are a peach to get along with in real life .

OP if she continues to be horribly pushy about religion then sit down and have a talk with her , but slipping a book in your book bag , just throw it away or give it back to her and let her know she lost something. Heck, I would be happy if my Mom just slipped things in my purse , instead of constantly wanting to discuss religion face to face. lol.

Let DH make her food from now on and if she wants you to bring your own food , either eat before or tell decline invitations

Good luck op , ive read some horror stories on the DIS and have friends that live it on a daily basis and be glad your MIL isn't that kind of crazy . : )

YEP! I think the first two years of my marriage were spent trying to figure out how a person could behave that way and I be the only one to see it, LOL! Does my MIL still do things that drive me batty? Yes, but not nearly as often as before because we've learned to co-exist. She's learned that there are things that are unacceptable to say and do and I've learned to let things roll off my back. Depending on the people it can take effort and time, sometimes not. My husband an my mom ALWAYS got along, so it wasn't ever an issue for them. I get along with my FIL better than I did my own dad. Sometimes there are just personality clashes and you have to learn the best way to deal with them.

 

[ready123go]

She's just being an old-fashioned "nice-girl" bully. And because you are not, you find her behavior perplexing. Just because someone isn't beating you doesn't mean they aren't hitting below the belt. Where you find it hurtful, is where she has crossed a boundary.

Figure out where your boundaries are and learn to firmly, but politely, stand up for them. I.E. - Slipping religious material into your handbag? Response - "I brought this back. I think this must have gotten mixed into my stuff the last time we were here and I know you must be missing it." Soup too salty? Response - "Oh, I'm confused. I didn't put any salt in it, so that you could adjust it to your taste."

You don't have to get nasty to stick up for yourself. And you're not attacking her, your just calling her on her B.S. and saying, "Nice try - I don't think so."

 

[luvsJack]

My dil is an atheist, we are Baptist. I don't try to convince her of my beliefs and only discuss them if she asks, BUT my mom is terrified of what is going to happen to the poor child's soul. So she leaves books (not pamplets, but actual books about Christianity) around hoping dil will read them. My advice to dil was this: please, remember that she does this because she loves you. Dil took that with a smile and now she just ignores it.

The food you bring--Just say "thank you! I will take that as a compliment". After all, she must like your cooking or she wouldn't want to take it for her lunch.

The last part, I had to laugh. Not at you, please don't misunderstand, but my own mother does the same thing to me! Not by email but as she is eating the food! She will come over for a bbq or one of the kids birthday dinners and invariably will say that something is too salty!
I think she has gotten to the point of so expecting something to BE salty that she tasts salt even though its not there! I just say "oh, ok. Sorry about that." and let it go.

Sometimes its just not worth stressing yourself over.