Why do we ignore red flags in a relationship?

[NY Disney fan]

I was thinking about the whole Jesse James/ Sandra Bullock mess and how Jesse James had had a very sordid history with women including a sex harrassment lawsuit by one of his former employees. Now I'm not blaming Sandra for anything that happened to her, but why do we ignore people's past? Is it because we are afraid to judge others? Is it hoping that *we* can change them?

As time goes on, we see those red flags that we ignored come into our lives and they end up destroying relationships, or even lives. Can anyone relate?

 

[Mermaid02]

I was thinking about the whole Jesse James/ Sandra Bullock mess and how Jesse James had had a very sordid history with women including a sex harrassment lawsuit by one of his former employees. Now I'm not blaming Sandra for anything that happened to her, but why do we ignore people's past? Is it because we are afraid to judge others? Is it hoping that *we* can change them?

As time goes one, we see those red flags that we ignored come into our lives and they end up destroying relationships, or even lies. Can anyone relate?

Love- it can make you stupid.

 

[HOGFAN]

Love clouds the vision

 

[kellyg403]

I am in the 'we think we can change them' camp. Love is blind, we think they have never loved anyone as much as us etc. And I don't think we miss the flags, just don't trust our instincts as much as we should.

Kelly

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Yeah they love us MORE then so and so and they wouldn't do that to ME
Guilty of it myself a few times. Never see the sign till AFTER

 

[Disney Ella]

Yeah they love us MORE then so and so and they wouldn't do that to ME
Guilty of it myself a few times. Never see the sign till AFTER

Exactly. It's how someone like Charlie Sheen keeps getting women. They think, "The awesome power of my love has made him a changed man!" And the person does stop the behavior when the relationship is new and shiny, but once the relationship becomes routine and not quite as exciting, it's back to the other women/porn/whatever.

 

[ndelaware]

Some of us don't ignore the red flags.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I am in the 'we think we can change them' camp. Love is blind, we think they have never loved anyone as much as us etc. And I don't think we miss the flags, just don't trust our instincts as much as we should.

Kelly

Yeah they love us MORE then so and so and they wouldn't do that to ME
Guilty of it myself a few times. Never see the sign till AFTER

I totally agree on both counts!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Now you know there is more than one reason, so I will shoot a few off the top of my head.

I am the exception.

You put your belief in what the person says and not their actions, hence the love is blind mantra.

You excuse the "red flags" and think that you can handled the damaged goods for now, but with your help you will change this person.

You have a psychological need to have a relationship that is "red flaggy" to play out your past and if you can correct it this time you fix your past.

Available and good sex. When it is good, it is very good. An intense relationship can be fun. So you take the good with the bad.

You are not healthy yourself so you cannot attract a healthy mate.

A need to feel superior. Some people want damaged goods so they always feel like they are the "good one" in the relationship. Likewise they have trouble being with someone who is their equal.

and so on.....

 

[bicker]

I think selective memory may be underlying some of this "red flag" logic: Very often when an "obvious" red flag doesn't manifest later, there is practically no attention paid to it, if any. Also, if desired, the absence of "red flags" can be cast as a "red flag", thereby ensuring that whenever bad things happen, it is possible to second-guess the decisions made. I think second-guessing, itself, is a far bigger problem than people ignoring "red flags".

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I think some women like to blame the women in the past relationships for the problems. "He cheated on her because she was a horrible crazy monster." Since they obviously don't think that about themselves, they don't see how he would repeat that.

 

[Stacerita]

Sometimes people don't see the red flags. Hindsight is everything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and strong individual...

Yep, I admit that I ignored very clear red-flags...
(NOT any kind of cheating!!! but other problems.)

20 years later, SAME issues.....

Honey, if it happened to me, it can happen to ANYBODY.

In my case, I attributed the problems to my DH's youth, lack of finances, etc... There is always SOME reason or excuse...

Yes, I think that most woman DO see them.
Most woman just choose to 'excuse' them with whatever endless excuses and rationalizations there are.




My advice to any woman would be to NEVER, EVER, ignore a red flag.

 

[castleview]

For me the red flag would have been previous marriage to a porn star.

 

[GeorgeG]

I think most people want their lives to be perfect, which is quite natural. It's not easy to accept that your life may not be going as well as you want it to. A good, loving person will tend to give the benefit of a doubt to someone they love (denial, if you will) and that makes things harder when that trust is violated. Part of living a happy life is accepting little imperfections here and there. Little imperfections do not include infidelities... there's a definite line to be drawn there.

 

[bettymae1121]

This ---> "But this is TRUE LOVE and we are SOUL MATES, he will CHANGE for ME!!!!!"

 

[Ember]

When I was in high school my best friend dated this scum bag for a while. We all knew the guy was trash, the whole school knew. At the time my best friend insisted she could see his "moon beam side." I always thought that summed up blind stupidity pretty well. She thought she saw something special in him that no one had seen before and that their love would change his past behavior. (Luckily she came to her senses in a few weeks.)

So for the past decade or so seeing a person's "moon beam side" has become a running joke for making up that the person isn't a jerk. Sandra obviously saw Jessie's moon beam side.

 

[Poohbear123]

Yep, I was not aware of the "RED FLAGS" untill I was deep in the relationship....not one of his "FAMILY" Alerted me to this either, I had to experience it myself....for 5.5 years...I finally escaped....been 24 years now, and the one I am with now, has made a few, but no RED FLAGS more like Yello ones! I really feel Bad for Sandra, apparntly he told her some crap that he was a"Changed Man" and would NEVER do that to her!..... yea right...

 

[JCJRSmith]

Love is blind.....



...deaf and dumb, too

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

IMHO...I belive in that "love is blind" stuff, but not in a good way.

I believe that when we think we love someone, we are more prone to miss those red flags of "obvious" negative behavior--i.e.verbal or even physical abuse, mistreatment, lack of caring--etc.

This may or may not be "real love". But the people whom I have known to make such mistakes that they later realized--they ignored all wise counsel up until they realized it themselves. And the kicker--more often than not, they'll wonder why noone ever said anything...in some of those cases--people did, but they were so "head over heels in love" that they couldn't handle the negative observations of their relationship by outsiders who "just don't understood what they see in him/her".

As a race---humans usually seek companionship, and sometimes an abusive or unhealthy companion is better than no companion at all. (Though in our sane minds, we'd never settle--but in the midst, we don't necessarily respond rationally to negative stimuli.)

I have no idea if my observations are correct---but from the relationships that I myself have been in and the relationships I have witnessed of others either firsthand (as in my mom's multiple marriages) or second hand--just knowing hte people, but not living with them...it is what I have noticed and how I have interpreted (in hindsight) the red flags that were there but were ignored by the person.