Why do people insist on...

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

First, I only read OP and not the responses:

I agree! We had the family party this year - (I am kinda particular and they know it, but if someone were to call ahead and offer something I doubt I would turn them down - unless I had already planned it and had purchased the supplies.)

First, MIL doesn't bother to call and offer anything or ask - she just shows up with her usual tray of cookies baked and frozen ahead weeks ago (at the very least, if we are lucky) - this year half are burnt. Looked kinda sad next to the Italian Cookie Tray we had purchased from our friends bakery.

Second, SIL called to ask if she could bring something - I told her I had everything under control and as usual probably planned way more than we could possibly eat, but if she had a favorite holiday buffet style food or dessert to share she was welcome to contribute, I only asked that she check with me first as I was serving alot of the usual stuff we have at our family gatherings. So, without another word from her she shows up with the veggie dip in a rye bread bowl - which I had, OF COURSE, already made!!!

Third, other SIL shows up without a word with her onion parmesan dip - which she still needs to prepare - as I am rushing around trying to get everything together!!!

For the record, I always call to ask and OK whatever I am bringing ahead of time - and make sure it fits with the plans of the hostess - and that I am in no way surprising her!!! I don't understand people just showing up with stuff!?

relatives....,heavy sigh!

(just read the post above mine - we are also a vegetarian home - and I know well about the control issues! !!)

 

[disneymom3]

. Insisting on bringing of all things cheeseburger puffs to a vegatarian home was rude.

Yeah, that is rude.

 

[Zurealsoon]

Maybe they were worried on what sort of food would be served. Honestly , some people do not eat vegggies.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Our dinners aren't potluck, they are "sit down" served meals.

Lillygator, I realize that you were not planning a pot-luck meal.

I am sorry if you feel like you are seeing pages of judgement.
I think you are missing the point that everyone else is making here.

If this was your family Christmas get-together, you have to realize that it may come off as rude for you to be so controlling about the whole thing.

You know, you may be the most FABULOUS gourmet cook. However, to many, it may come off the wrong way to take complete and utter control of the family Christmas gathering!

If you want to host some fancy-schmancy dinner party, and recieve all kinds of Kudos and glory, then there are plenty of other occasions throughout the year.

I actually HATE the kinds of dinner parties where it is all 'stiff' and 'presented' and all about showing kudus and gratitude to the hostess. Where you don not feel free to be 'comfortable'. Where you are afraid that the kids will spill something, or make a mess, or be too loud, or will not like he fancy-schmancy foods that they cannot even pronounce. In my family, this kind of thing simply does not even exist.

Christmas is about family togetherness, not exclusion.

 

[tarmand]

To me, scalloped potatoes would be a nice addition to that meal.

Absolutely! I think they would make it sound even more yummy.

 

[lillygator]

Lillygator, I realize that you were not planning a pot-luck meal.

I am sorry if you feel like you are seeing pages of judgement.
I think you are missing the point that everyone else is making here.

If this was your family Christmas get-together, you have to realize that it may come off as rude for you to be so controlling about the whole thing.

You know, you may be the most FABULOUS gourmet cook. However, to many, it may come off the wrong way to take complete and utter control of the family Christmas gathering!

If you want to host some fancy-schmancy dinner party, and recieve all kinds of Kudos and glory, then there are plenty of other occasions throughout the year.

I actually HATE the kinds of dinner parties where it is all 'stiff' and 'presented' and all about showing kudus and gratitude to the hostess. Where you don not feel free to be 'comfortable'. Where you are afraid that the kids will spill something, or make a mess, or be too loud, or will not like he fancy-schmancy foods that they cannot even pronounce. In my family, this kind of thing simply does not even exist.

Christmas is about family togetherness, not exclusion.

As I said, it wasn't such a huge deal until she kept harping on the issue, calling back time and again. And also, I do my best at making anyone feel welcome in our home. I would never not serve something that was brought. And our sit down meals aren't "fancy-schmancy", they are simply a chance for us to all be at the table TOGETHER (since you all love the togetherness factor) and enjoy the meal. Any potluck I have been to people are sitting all over the place and unless you go search someone out you may miss chatting them up....

I see what point everyone is making but it seems as no one is seeing my point, instead they are saying I am an ungrateful, unkind hostess and I should just be glad I have a MIL who is a) living, b) willing to bring something or c) still speaking to the family.

 

[cardaway]

I see what point everyone is making but it seems as no one is seeing my point, instead they are saying I am an ungrateful, unkind hostess and I should just be glad I have a MIL who is a) living, b) willing to bring something or c) still speaking to the family.

Actually it doesn't sound like you are getting their point. Probably not the best place to vent if you're not interested in the feedback.

People, especially older people, don't feel like they are doing right unless they bring something to that kind of gathering. It's a shame you don't understand that.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I can understand that they fell better bringing something - but doesn't it register with people that it would be considerate -and avoid problems (like doubles of same thing) if they just gave the hostess a heads up on their plan?
If the hostess (politely, of course) mentions that won't work or won't be needed - then what? Is it OK for them to bring something at that point just to make themselves feel better - against the wishes of the hostess?

 

[Nancy]

Actually it doesn't sound like you are getting their point. Probably not the best place to vent if you're not interested in the feedback.

People, especially older people, don't feel like they are doing right unless they bring something to that kind of gathering. It's a shame you don't understand that.

If I tell my elderly mother not to bring something she doesn't...why would she want to hurt my feelings by bringing something when I specifically said not to? My MIL finally realizes that all I want is her company at my dinners, I don't want her food. At their ages they should sit back and relax and let the younger generation do our thing.

I have to add something here because everyone keeps stressing the "family Christmas gathering" thing. So what if it is the family coming over? I can't make all the food and ask everyone to come empty handed and just enjoy being at my house? We have plenty of barbecues and get togethers and we will bring a dish to them. Christmas to me is a "special" day, I LIKE to do it all and let my two Mom's sit back and relax...they had their time and now it's mine. They busted their butts making the meals all those years when we (the kids) were growing up. I look at me cooking the meal and NOT letting them bring anything as their badge of honor for all they have done for us through the years. IT is not a control issue, it is an "I love my Moms and I want them to do nothing on the holiday" issue.

 

[Chicago526]

Look, the OP C L E A R L Y stated that it was the MIL that repeatedly asked if she could bring something after being told nicely "No, you're busy and I'm happy to take care of everything" and after finally relenting, the MIL didn't even bring what she was asked to bring. The OP then politely served that dish and didn't show a single bit of bad attitude to her MIL and never at any point made an issue of this to her MIL.

What else should she have done? Honestly, you keep on her about how she should have acted, when she behaved EXACTLY as you keep telling her she should have. Do you people read posts, or just type out the first thing that comes to your head?

I'm sorry but the MIL was in the wrong here, and the OP has a right to vent about it. Just because a person is older, it doesn't mean they can be inconsiderate. "Life being short" or "just be grateful your MIL speaks to you" has NOTHING to do with the fact that the MIL in this case was either clueless or rude. Bad behaivor is bad behavior.

If I had a party, and a guest asked to bring a dish and I said "no, thanks, I've got it covered" and they STILL brought one, I'd be anoyed. If they kept calling day after day after day and were still told "that's very nice of you but it's all under control" I'd be anoyed. If I finally gave in to make the phone calls about this stop, said, "sure bring dish X" and then they bring something COMPLETELY differant, I'd be anoyed.

Just like the OP, I wouldn't show it to the guest. Just like the op, I'd serve it with a smile.

But I'd be anoyed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I see what point everyone is making but it seems as no one is seeing my point, instead they are saying I am an ungrateful, unkind hostess and I should just be glad I have a MIL who is a) living, b) willing to bring something or c) still speaking to the family.

Lillygator,
in a way, we do see your point. There have been several who have posted that they might feel the same way.

And, IMHO, the fact that your MIL seems to be the one who kept 'insisting' does make me feel that she was, perhaps, in the wrong.
EDITED TO ADD: However, if you had simply graciously accepted her offer, then that would have stopped the whole argument.

But, this whole thing goes further than that. So what if your MIL was a bit in the wrong. The fact that you took such offense over such a trivial matter took that molehill and made it into a mountain. I agree with cardaway (for once!!! LOL!!!) If your MIL was to pass before next Christmas, from your posts, it sounds like you would be heaving a great sigh of relief, because you wouldn't have to deal with her unwanted contribution.

And, yes, in our family, we do have our traditional 'Christmas' favorites. Mom's ham, oldest sisters time honoured carrot-cake with cream frosting. My homemade from scratch (including fresh pumpkin) pumpkin pies. (traditional Christmas foods, not things one would have at a barbeque!) For many families, preparing these things and sharing them with our family is part of what Christmas is all about.

I do have one sister who would be like you. And, Christmas would be all about 'her' and her menu, and her table-settings, etc.. etc... Sadly, if she hosted our Christmas in this way, nobody would be able to share these things. Nobody would be 'comfortable', etc...

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

12 pages later and has anyone changed their minds? Does anyone ever change anyone's minds on these threads? Other than me of course...I think I'm going to make my brother a pudding of peace when I log off right now.

 

[Michie]

Lillygator, I understand about having a controlling MIL, mine was that way when me and the Dh were first married. She has since apologized and we get along fine. And I understand about you venting. But what I don't understand is that you said that you asked her if she did not like your cooking. Did you expect her to say no?? What if she had?

 

[Chicago526]

12 pages later and has anyone changed their minds? Does anyone ever change anyone's minds on these threads? Other than me of course...I think I'm going to make my brother a pudding of peace when I log off right now.

No, rarely does anyone change their opinion, or if they do they don't admit it! Usually the only time I change my mind is if further info comes out that clarifies the issue.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I agree not everyone eats Veggies...However I would never serve veggie type stuff to guests in my home.
The menu here was Baked Ziti, salad, Fruit salad, Lasagna, Eggplant parm, Quiche, Middle of the road stuff Not Tofu and not Cheeseburgers puffs!!!

 

[mum4jenn]

On my dh's side of the family we always get together on Christmas Eve. Every few years the menu changes. For many years it was tacos....tacos on Christmas Eve??? I always thought yuck and I did not like the way they were made so I went hungry or ate before we went. Then after my FIL died no one could stand the thought of eating tacos ever again so then we went to some mexican soup....corn..black beans..double yuck. So when we are assigned to bring something each year it is usually ice and sodas. BUT... we don't want to go hungry so last year we brought two 50 count buckets of hooters wings!!! Every single one was eaten!!! This year the same soup was on the menu so we took a huge crockpot of home cooked BBQ. Did it go with the soup?? NO...Were we asked to bring it? NO But it at least gave me and dd and dh something that we liked to eat. And you know what? Every bite of the BBQ was eaten and they had tons of soup left!!

Oh and BTW...I LOVE chocolate pudding and do not care for scalloped potatoes!!!!

 

[lillygator]

Lillygator, I understand about having a controlling MIL, mine was that way when me and the Dh were first married. She has since apologized and we get along fine. And I understand about you venting. But what I don't understand is that you said that you asked her if she did not like your cooking. Did you expect her to say no?? What if she had?

Oh yes, she is very vocal about things like that - she doesn't like my creamed spinach or potato salad but is dying for my mashed potato recipe (family secret!).....she has told me that she doesn't like my "folding" skills (laundry) among other things....I always smile. Nothing will be as good as the way she does it - that I realize!


Well, this has gone pretty far, but to Wishing on A Star, why do I have to accept her offer? Why can't she accept mine? Because she's my elder? to keep the peace? )Just posing the questions....I am not trying to argue)I mean, she asks me not to help her with the dishes or not to bring a dish to a meal at her home, I respect those wishes. I know it may seem like making a mountain into a molehill, but I was just annoyed that some people will insist upon bringing a food item/item to be served at any gathering....not just Christmas, but anytime....and BTW - I have an almost whole pecan pie and two full containers of brownies that I now will be taking into the office since we won't eat them.
And the Christmas wasn't "all about me"...yes all me (and DH) doing the cooking, setting up and cleaning up....but not the way you are suggesting.

 

[sha_lyn]

I agree not everyone eats Veggies...However I would never serve veggie type stuff to guests in my home.
The menu here was Baked Ziti, salad, Fruit salad, Lasagna, Eggplant parm, Quiche, Middle of the road stuff Not Tofu and not Cheeseburgers puffs!!!

LOL... I wish my vegetarian friends realized not everyone likes soy cold cuts and all the over processed imitation meats. I use to think they only served that to guest trying to offer them something similar to what they would have at home. However I realized they really like the stuff. I remember being at a park concert one day and the BF was eating those imitation scallops straight out of the can.
However I would never be so rude at to bring meat into their home. Usually bring something common I would bring to any pot luck such potato salad, brownies and drinks. I just bring more of the sides and don't bring an entrée.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I will answer, since we seem to be having an amicable conversation.

( I know that I tend to speak/post very directly, and I hope that you haven't been too offended.)

Basicly, you are right when you are thinking that you shouldn't graciously accept because she is your elder. I HATE that line of thought. My inlaws have always been quick to use that line of thinking. Ugghhhh!!!! At this point, everyone is equal adults. Anything else is just not right.

I do think that perhaps 'to keep the peace' is a very valid reason.

I think it all comes down to a 'pick your battles' kind of thing. I am thinking that many of the posters who have 'vented' about your vent, are like, is a pan of potatos really worth all the strife!!!?????. Is that really something to feel like you have to vent about.

That about sums up my thoughts.

Many here on the DIS may know that I have a very very strained relationship with my inlaws. ( FIL in particular ) Believe be, if a pan of potatos were all I had to be concerned about with my inlaws, I would be jumping for joy!!!!

Just a note: As we speak, said FIL is in the hospital, as his days are numbered with terminal cancers. All said and done, I am glad that I can say that I did not choose petty battles and that I can say that I have no regrets.

Seriously, if a pan of potatos is something big enough for you to vent about, then you must lead some kind of a charmed life!! LOL!!!

I can only imagine the really serious problems that others have had to deal with over the Holiday season.

I know that you were just Venting!!! And I can appreciate that. However, and do not take this the wrong way, but if your menu, table settings, etc... are more important than being 'gracious', well, to some people, this could appear to be petty.

I know that you did try to handle it graciously in the end. But, in reality, the fact that this became such an issue to begin with tells the tale.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me again!

Hey, I'll PM you my address, and you can send those brownies and that pecan pie our way. I'll make room in my fridge.
My DH LOVES both of these desserts!!!