Why do parents not like to call their adult children?

[NMAmy]

My mom has gotten much better about calling me--mainly because I'm the only one who lives close and she wants me to do stuff for her. Which I'm fine with, I'm glad she'll ask if she needs help. When dd was younger, she didn't call as much because she felt like she'd be catching me at a busy time.

Now DH's family, on the other hand, are exactly like the OP describes. They'd never call but get irritated when DH didn't call them. His mother has passed away and his dad doesn't like to talk on the phone much so it's actually kind of painful to listen to him and DH struggle to make conversation. Usually about 5 minutes in, DH gives up and hands the phone to me. At that time, his dad lets loose and chit chats away with me for a half hour. It's very frustrating to DH.

 

[HelenePA]

I'm a long way from having my kids out of the house, but I don't plan to call them very often once they are married. I won't want to intrude and I never want to be THAT mom or MIL . Most of my friends just roll their eyes when their mother or MIL calls.

But I will be up front with them and let them know my reasons for not calling and that I will always be available for them when they want to call. And I'll never be one of those moms that makes snide remarks about them not calling.

Oh I'm sure I will be that MIL ... trust me I'd rather be that MIL than the kind who ignores your family like my IL do.. we dont hear from them AT all. They put it all on Dh. I dont call them because they dont like me so basically my kids dont know them from the next stranger on the street. The last time we heard from them is when my ds turned 1.. he'll be 3 in about 18 days... do I miss em? nope do the kids? nope they are the ones loosing out on the relationship they could have with their grandchildren.. of course there is also the issue they only want anything to do with my son and not my daughters (all of whom are from Dh) I plan to equally call and bother all of my children each day

 

[goofy4tink]

My mom used to call me frequently, sometimes every day. When she died, I used to think it would be her every time the phone rang. My dad has severe hearing issues so he doesn't call but my step-mom calls to check in every few weeks. But, we stay in touch via email for the most part.
My mother-in-law is a whole other story. My dh calls her every Sunday night. She never calls us unless there is something urgent...which almost never happens. She just waits for dh to call her.
I talk to my 32 y/o dd frequently, but she is usually the instigator when it comes to phone calls....seems she always has something to say. My ds never calls me. Seldom even emails. He does call if there is something he needs to discuss right then and there, but again, not very often. my d-i-l used to call once a week...but she was ds's fiance then. After they got married the phone calls slowed down. Then she took a new job with less downtime, so she doesn't call much anymore.

It's pretty much a two way street. I know my ex-husband really gets annoyed when my son doesn't call him. He was always like that though...he thinks its disrespectful for ds to not call regularly. But, he doesn't pick up the phone either. I keep telling him that ds doesn't call me either...just the way ds is.

 

[momto2girls]

Oh I'm sure I will be that MIL ... trust me I'd rather be that MIL than the kind who ignores your family like my IL do.. we dont hear from them AT all. They put it all on Dh. I dont call them because they dont like me so basically my kids dont know them from the next stranger on the street. The last time we heard from them is when my ds turned 1.. he'll be 3 in about 18 days... do I miss em? nope do the kids? nope they are the ones loosing out on the relationship they could have with their grandchildren.. of course there is also the issue they only want anything to do with my son and not my daughters (all of whom are from Dh) I plan to equally call and bother all of my children each day

I definitely think it depends on your family dynamic. We are very much a "raise them well and then release them to the wild" kind of family. So, that is where my perspective comes from, kwim? I also think that living is for the young and I want my kids to have the freedom to live their lives without being bothered by us.

 

[disneyfreakk]

I used to talk to my mom all the time when she was alive. Heck, I still talk to her.... she just can't talk back.

The last time I called my father was on Christmas, and then I had to call a couple of times to wish he and his family a merry Christmas. He wouldn't call me back. So.. after feeling all of that love (rolls eyes) I decided to see how long it would take him to call ME. Guess what? He hasn't called once! However, I did get an email (that he sent to all of his contacts) telling everyone that he had quit his job and moved, but he didn't include an address. So now I don't even know where my father lives, and the only phone number I even had for him was his work cell phone. How strange is that?? Yep, I can take a hint. My own father wants nothing to do with me.


Now my in-laws are a whole other story! LOL. My DH calls his parents atleast once a day. And when they are traveling he has to wait until 9pm their time, because my MIL doesn't want to run up her minutes. They have a 300 min a month phone plan with roll over! LOL. I always wonder how many mins she has stockpiled!

 

[bumbershoot]

My mom and stepdad, once I went to college (which is when he became my stepdad), got an 800 number for their phone, so that I could call them and it was always on their dime. They would get annoyed if I used my long distance to call them. My mom and I talked ALL the time, it didn't matter which one did the calling.

Once I got a cellphone I didn't use the 800 number as much, b/c it wasn't as important (I was paying for the minutes anyway, might as well not have two people paying for the call), but we both still called.

After she died, stepdad kept the number but then when he got remarried and moved that number went away.


My dad has always been a piece of work when it comes to calling or not calling. He has always thought that "I was thinking about calling you for the last" x number of months or even years actually "counts". (what's scary is to watch myself go into that way of thinking!)

But in my family no one gets on anyone's case for not calling; if we haven't talked in awhile it means that NO ONE has called, so there are usually apologies on both sides!


On hubby's side, though, his mom wants a schedule "say hi and how are you" call. It so incredibly meaningless! We haven't spoken since January '07 (though I encourage DH and DS to have a relationship with her) for many reasons, but the kicker was after I spent 90 minutes on the phone with the IRS, finding out some Very Bad News about the state of her taxes thanks to her just-passed-away husband (problem with turbotax e-filing is that it only requires signatures from both spouses ONCE, so if you're in a bad relationship the tax-doer can lie and lie that taxes have indeed been filed for, oh, the last 6 years). I went through the wringer for her, after spending the last 2 months doing EVERYTHING paperwork-related after FIL's death. She didn't miss one month of pension or social security, she got everything taken care of for her, and the only thing she had to do was get on the phone, verify identity, and say it's OK to talk to me (she's Korean and not comfortable speaking English to strangers). I spent 2 months and then 90 minutes, and 2 minutes after I explained it all and what she would need to do....she said "can you do me a favor?" She wouldn't say what it was until I agreed. I said yes, and she said she just wanted me to call once a week, just to say hi...and I exploded. Her other son and her daughter had ignored her for those months, I did everything for her, everything REAL and meaningful, and she ruined it by wanting me to do something stupid, nonsensical, and for face-value only so she can tell her relatives in Seoul that her DIL calls her every week...

She has continued to try to get her kids on a schedule of calling, but she never calls, and the calls are NEVER for anything more than "I need this from you" or "how are you" without listening to the answer. Every so often Robert will call her to talk, and she has expressed astonishment that he does that, b/c her other two kids (who agreed to the schedules) just say "hi how are you bye".


I can't imagine planning on not calling my son when he grows up. Sure sometimes I might catch him at a bad time, but I hope he can either not answer or he can say "oh I'm doing xyz right now, let's talk later". I remember how warm and cozy it felt, even if I acted annoyed, that my mom was calling. And she was always calling just to talk, to find out how I was doing and what I was thinking about...she put a warm blanket and a hug around me from across the country, and I can't imagine leaving my son cold and alone, just b/c I didn't want to bother him while he was doing something.

 

[MICKEY88]

I told DH that if I die, make sure to check his mother's schedule for her availability, because I'd be really embarrassed if my own MIL didn't show up at my funeral.

to ease the burden on your DH, in his time of grief, it would be more convenient if you checked your MIL's schedule and planned your death accordingly..

 

[momto2girls]

I can't imagine planning on not calling my son when he grows up. Sure sometimes I might catch him at a bad time, but I hope he can either not answer or he can say "oh I'm doing xyz right now, let's talk later". I remember how warm and cozy it felt, even if I acted annoyed, that my mom was calling. And she was always calling just to talk, to find out how I was doing and what I was thinking about...she put a warm blanket and a hug around me from across the country, and I can't imagine leaving my son cold and alone, just b/c I didn't want to bother him while he was doing something.

Like I said-- different families, different perspectives. What works for one might not work for another.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think it depends on the relationship between the parents and the children. My mom calls me, or I call her, daily. When MIL was alive, she called DH at least weekly; DH also called her. That's how we've always done it. There has never been this, "I called you last time. Now it's your turn to call." I don't get that. Why keep tally? I mean, if you really want to talk to your parent or to your child, then just call. If it isn't a convenient time, then say so.

I do have one friend that keeps track of "who called who last and whose turn it's next". I don't care for that nonsense. In fact, it makes me not want to call her.

 

[Stitchfans]

I call my oldest DD often and she calls me. My mom (God rest her soul) would call me and again I would call her. My dad calls me once in a great while. I call him more. DH's mom on the other hand never calls him and yes does put him on a guilt trip for not calling often enough in her opinion. Don't know the answer to the this question.

 

[RadioNate]

Oh I'm sure I will be that MIL ... trust me I'd rather be that MIL than the kind who ignores your family like my IL do.. we dont hear from them AT all. They put it all on Dh. I dont call them because they dont like me so basically my kids dont know them from the next stranger on the street. The last time we heard from them is when my ds turned 1.. he'll be 3 in about 18 days... do I miss em? nope do the kids? nope they are the ones loosing out on the relationship they could have with their grandchildren.. of course there is also the issue they only want anything to do with my son and not my daughters (all of whom are from Dh) I plan to equally call and bother all of my children each day

I am totally with you. I'm calling when ever I feel like it. My inlaws don't call ever yet they are constantly telling SIL that they are 'mad' at us because they don't get to talk to DH or the grandkids. Well then PICK UP THE PHONE!!!

My parents and grandmother call us when they want to talk to us and I call them when I want to talk to them. It is a 2 way street.

I made DH call on Mother's Day but they couldn't be bothered to call on DS's birthday in May or my birthday yesterday. We didn't even get cards in the mail or an email. Heck, even my uncle who's wife just died managed to send birthday cards!

What burns me is that they are constantly griping to SIL about their poor relationship with DH (and me and the kids) when they put in zero effort. It is funny because SIL lives with us during breaks from college and MIL calls her cel phone daily but never calls DH's cel phone or the house phone.

 

[WDW~Lover]

are you kidding me? How do you make this happen? Mine calls me at LEAST 20 times a day, I have even changed my number!!!!!

I cannot take it