why do men leave

[NMAmy]

And, by the way, just because you find it offensive doesn't mean it's false. In fact, I knew two different couples where that was exactly what happened. Physical attractiveness and sex are very important to alot of guys, and they are shallow enough to leave on that alone.

And just because it's what happened to your huge sample of two couples doesn't make it true for a large percentage of divorces.

 

[brerrabbit]

I think that a lot of spouse leave because in the world we live in today many people getting married have this idealic notion that once they are married everything is going to be wonderful and rosy. Face facts people, marraige is all at once, wonderful, fulfilling, scary, hard, a lot of work, a lot of sacrifices, and in the end something that really is worth the effort. My wife and I have been married for 23 years and we have had ups and downs. We love each other even more today than when we first got married and believe me she looks even better today than she did when we were first married. Sex is not a problem. But then again as someone stated earlier that kind of problem is just symtomatic of other deeper issues in the relationship. We all have dreams and ambitions and a lot of times when we are not living those dreams we tend to try and blame our failures on somebody or something. A lot of times married people blame their spouse and figure the only way your going to get where you want to be is to leave. In America today 50% of all marraiges end in divorce. I think that is a sign of the times and the world we live in. People believe its a disposable world and if something doesn't work then just through it away and get a new one. This attitude has spilled over into marraige as evidenced by the divorce rate.

 

[Tiggeroo]

The end result is the same, there are no bonus points during the divorce hearings for trying to stick it out

It's about knowing you did your best. It's about putting your kids and wife, the family, first. If the marriage ends you should feel you did everything possible, including counseling, to save it. This way you can look the kids in the face later.
As I said divorce doesn't bother me. I truly see men frequently, who've allowed things to slip in their marriage (on both sides) and they find another female who boosts their ego. When a guy says I need space, I don't love you any more, I think we should try being apart for awhile, it's almost always code for i'm doing someone else usually younger. I've seen it happen to attractive women too. Although it's sad I happen to agree that with men it's almost always about sex. I don't understand though how you can just walk away from things that just a few months ago meant everything to you.

 

[numbercruncher]

Do I just over think things or am I right in this.

Some men probably leave due to paranoid wives!

 

[WIcruizer]

And just because it's what happened to your huge sample of two couples doesn't make it true for a large percentage of divorces.

It's far more than two couples, and you know that. This is the reason an awful lot of men leave. Thre are obviously other problems going on with these "men" to want t oleave over that reason, but that doesn't change the reason.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Some men probably leave due to paranoid wives!

i'm sure they do. But most women I know, and probably men, who are paranoid find out that there was a good reason for it. It was their sixth sense telling them this person wasn't trustworthy.

 

[Planogirl]

My husband was laid off earlier this year plus we had a few financial disasters hit around the same time. Frankly, they were financial disasters that he created. I was also not working which seemed to be OK at the time.

He's since found a job but it's out of town so he's basically moved there. He said it was temporary and he would continue to look for something in our area. He hasn't done so as far as I can tell and DS and I rarely hear from him. As far as I'm concerned he left and he did so because he doesn't want to deal with several bone-crushing financial problems. I guess that it was easier to create them than to own up to them.

I don't know why I'm telling anyone this except to point out that men leaving is not just due to boredom or relationship issues, or at least that isn't necessarily the primary causes. It can also be a kind of running away.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't know that I should be even replying to this thread but I am a married women (3 years on the 21st ). I think that people just grow apart honestly. Once a couple starts having children more and more focus goes to that child/children and they loose focus on each other. Yes obviously the married part takes a back seat at times but shouldn't be in the back for the 18 years or whatever to get the children raised and out of the house. I think that couples have to make effort to still be a REAL couple that have things in common and common goals to achieve. Many people wake up one day and realize that they have no idea about the person sleeping in the bed next to them.
Another problem is instant gratification. We are a selfish society for the most part. We have instant everything now and people expect to be constantly happy without the long hard work that it takes to keep a marriage going and when the lows hit, and we all know they hit, it could be more than an instant before it raises back up. Well by then the attention span has shifted to something else that makes that person happy whether it be a hot young thing in the office, hot words on the computer, or cha-ching of the credit card at the mall.

Do you think couples should just stay together for the sake of children and family? Is that something to show your children? That even though you aren't happy, you are sacrifing for them so when they are older and happier the parent has nothing besides what could have been?

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Guess what, I thought something was going on with my DH and I would say something to him and he would deny it - I was right he was having an affair, all the times I thought he was lying about where he was and he would get so mad at me for questioning him - I later found out he was lying about were he was.

To this day I still don't know why he cheated - he says it was "him" had nothing to do with me!

 

[lisajl]

On December 19th, I will have been married 34 years. We were married over 4 years before our only child was born. Has our marriage always felt the same way it did before our child was born? NOPE.

You have to love a lot and fight a bit to make a marriage work. You can't give up so easily.

Sometimes I think that men and women give up on their marriage way too soon. A good marriage is worth fighting for. Compromise is what is called for and not giving up.

We have had a wonderful marriage. There have been some years that were easier than others but we persevered. Now, we are both impatiently awaiting the birth of our first grandchild.

Katholyn

I agree with you Katholyn!
Things change with the years, and children. My DH and I have been married 21 years and this New Years Eve will have been together for 23.
I don't know how we have made it through all our tribulations, but we have stuck it out.
Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. Luckily we have not had the affair problems or abuse problems that some people have gone through.

Lisa

 

[Planogirl]

Some of us fight for our relationships and have stayed together for over 20 years and still wind up with a failure on their hands. There are no guarantees.

 

[Debbie Jean]

My husband was laid off earlier this year plus we had a few financial disasters hit around the same time. Frankly, they were financial disasters that he created. I was also not working which seemed to be OK at the time.

He's since found a job but it's out of town so he's basically moved there. He said it was temporary and he would continue to look for something in our area. He hasn't done so as far as I can tell and DS and I rarely hear from him. As far as I'm concerned he left and he did so because he doesn't want to deal with several bone-crushing financial problems. I guess that it was easier to create them than to own up to them.

I don't know why I'm telling anyone this except to point out that men leaving is not just due to boredom or relationship issues, or at least that isn't necessarily the primary causes. It can also be a kind of running away.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You have to know you will be better off in the end... you need to heve someone you can count on through the good and the bad.

You have gone to the heart of the issue, I believe, in responding to the argument that the only reason people get divorced is because they weren't willing to work hard enough at it. It takes TWO to make a marriage work. If only one of you is willing to do the work, you are pretty much doomed.

I know. I was married 17 years. You would think the level of commitent was there. Apparently it wasn't, though I was clueless. Reasons? Ex-DH didn't really want the responsibilies... mid-life crisis, getting older, money, being tied down with a family & mortgage, etc. You get the picture. As you say, it was easier to run away.

In the end, I've realized it was very much for the best. I took on all the responsibilities, family and financial, and got a lot stronger. I've been divorced over 10 years and can't ever see myself getting married again... I enjoy my own company and am very self- sufficient, I love being single and having my independence.

 

[RitaZ.]

Some of us fight for our relationships and have stayed together for over 20 years and still wind up with a failure on their hands. There are no guarantees.

You are right, there are no guarantees. At that point, all you can do is walk away knowing that you fought for your relationship. I really do believe there are people that are wrong for each other, no sense in prolonging the misery for yourself and the children.

My neighbor and her husband divorced almost 2 years ago. She had been telling me for a long time that they were thinking about divorce. In the end, they were married for over 20 years and when she told her kids (early 20's) about the divorce, they were actually happy that the tension would end in their home.

There is no one-size-fits-all method to make a marriage work.

 

[WIcruizer]

Do you think couples should just stay together for the sake of children and family? Is that something to show your children?

Yes and no. I think a couple should show their children they have tried everything to make it work. And IMHO, many couples do not honestly try everything to stay together. ONe or the other (or both) are too immature to admit to themselves nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect.

 

[MICKEY88]

Although it's sad I happen to agree that with men it's almost always about sex. .

I respectfully disagree, I have seen many men leave because they are tired of wives are never satisfied....if a man isn't bringing home enough money, he should work more, when he works more he's never home, it's a no win situation, then there are the men who get tired of coming home to a house that looks like heck , because the wife spent the day on the internet..an neglected her work as a housewife...



you give men too little credit, few men leave just because of sex, because most are smart enough to know that science has discovered that there is a certain food that causes women to lose interest in sex...


that food is WEDDING CAKE...

therefore why would a man leave one marriage to go to another knowing that the sex will drop off again...if that's all a guy wanted he'd stay single and not have any long term relationships....


believe it or not, men want the same thing women do,,,,validation....

they like to be appreciated, and thanked for what they do, they like to believe they have some worth to their partner......this is not a gender thing it's an inherent human need....

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't mean to belittle the actual topic, but when I first read the title of this thread, "Why do men leave", I thought the rest of the sentence was going to be, "the toilet seat up". I thought maybe this thread was an open ended sort of post where people would supply different answers.

Sorry, back to the original post.

I thought the same thing!!!!!!

 

[mark&sue]

I really do believe that men have a higher sex drive then women do. It is a standing joke about women getting out of sex saying they have a headache etc. It is the way they are made.

I think that on average women are prepared to settle for less while men expect more and unfortunately sex is included in this. They think the grass is greener on the other side and as previously stated it is often too late when they find out that the grass just turns out to be muddy brown and worse then grass they left behind.



Susan

 

[Disney Doll]

DH has a co-worker with MS. Her husband left her because her MS was too much trouble for HIM. BTW, they have a 10 year old daughter.

It's quite depressing, really

Now that's a rotten guy!!! And if it were a woman who left a man with MS, I'd say the same thing.

 

[Disney Doll]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

Now in no way am I saying this is the whole story, or that it's the case every time. But this is a pretty typical situation for a man to leave. I've sen it ahppen with a couple acquaintances, and heard quite a few stories about "friends of friends, etc.) Again, I'm not saying it's a VALID reason for leaving, but that's why men leave. Boredom, routine, not appreciated...

You're making a big assumption here that themen in the scenario are staying the young, buff, virile stud muffins that they were when they first got married.

Bottom line...if you're married to someone long enough, both people change physically. Men as well as women get heavier, lose their hair, get that middle aged spare tire. The key is to marry someone who is not so superficial as to leave when he's not getting nookie 4 nights a week.

The key is to marry someone with integrity, who understands the meaning and value of commitment.

And quite frankly, in my experience, men like that are hard to find. I was forutnate. I found one. But I look at the men I encounter in my day-to-day life, and most of them are snaking around, looking to see where they can score and how they can keep their girlfriend/fiance/wife from finding out.

Integrity is in short supply in this day and age, as is an understanding of commitment. Everybody's doing what feels fgood for thme at that moment, with no thought to the future. Many of them end up learning a very hard lesson. And making their children victims of their shortsightedness.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

they like to be appreciated, and thanked for what they do, they like to believe they have some worth to their partner......this is not a gender thing it's an inherent human need....

I agree with this statement. Appreciation is the strategy I use to keep my marriage strong.

I have a question for the masses.

If I am fat BUT I enjoy sex and don't refuse, will that decrease my chances of DH leaving me?